Authors Notes: Glee and mirth and delight and general happiness involving rainbows and reviews and jellybeans and all that is good in the world! Oh, reviewers. You make me feel feelings I like to feel when I am feeling such a feeling that I feel I don't want to stop feeling the feeling you are making me feel. That is the only way I can describe what you do to me. You joyful bunch of people with fingers that type me reviews. Asdfghjkl and, just to mix up my gleeful inability to write anything intelligible anymore, lkjhgfdsa.

Dragons of Egypt - Awhhh, everybody loves a Morgause glomp :3 They are so rare, after all. The poor woman is rather socially inept. And if you felt sorry for Morgana in the last chapter...I wish you luck reading this chapter :P

PoisoningPigeonsinthePark - OH GOD. You typed so many nice things with your handfingers I can barely even function. Perhaps I will write a chapter where they DO enchant Gaius' ponchos...just for you. :D I will never question Richard Wilson's eyebrows again. It's just that...one is always raised. For all of time. Maybe he should go on Britain's Got Talent or something, I don't know. Hohohoho. Oh, and I read your one-shot which made me laugh more than is probably healthy. I was on the verge of a heart attack or something, I swear. And I blame you.

Kitty O - Aaaah, I know. Me and reviews seemingly have an intense love affair that will never be quenched. Never. Be. Quenched. Your sister is like Morgause? I don't know whether to be worried for you or to find it amusing. I think I shall do both. At the same time. ASDFGHJKL. Morgana was meeting Morgause then? My bad. Well, I might correct it if I can ever be bothered (which will, in all probability, be never). Om nom nom, Morgause's vanity. Om nom nom, more compliments. Om nom nom, 'beautifully written'. You make me happy.

Dawn that Shines - That is high praise indeed! That is the highest praise I can conceive of. I am smiling like a loon (if you could see, you would probably be scared, but I'm afraid that's just how my smiles roll). PS. It's ok, nobody makes sense here. Especially me. :D

vikky-leigh - GOSH. Thank you. It was quite a splendid line, dare I say so myself. :)


Evil, Shady Dealings


8.

Someday, You'll Say Something Intelligent


Morgana was in place. Plan number five hundred and sixty eight: Take Out Arthur From Behind By Throwing A Suitably Heavy Object In The General Direction Of His Skull was ready to be attempted!

Hidden behind a curtain with a brick tightly in her grasp, the raven haired witch listened as the sounds of footsteps echoed out from down the corridor. As Morgana silently prayed that she would not be found, the door to Arthur's chambers was swung open and the Prince himself entered the room.

"Merlin, you complete idiot!" Was the first thing the ward heard, and she rolled her eyes, battling the urge to let out a fully fledged groan of irritation. All Arthur and Merlin ever seemed to do was argue. How very childlike and immature. Morgana liked to fancy that she and Morgause engaged in far more intellectually challenging activities, such as plotting to take over an entire kingdom. They were far above petty squabbling.

Morgana frowned, flashbacks of times when she and her sister had spent hours at a time shrieking at one another flooding her mind. There had even been a few particularly nasty moments when Morgause had flung glasses and pitchers in her direction, screaming such vulgar things that Morgana had thought hell itself would open up beneath her and swallow her whole.

Hm. Yes. Perhaps they werenot quite as mature as she would like to admit –

"Where is my left gauntlet?"

"Uhh..." The sound of Merlin shifting nervously from foot to foot could be heard "I...I think I must have left it back at the training ground." Well, how incredibly typical. Morgana could almost envisage the sheepish grin appearing on the servants' face. The fool.

There was a pause. No doubt Arthur was staring pointedly at Merlin, who was of course without the brain power to understand such a look. Morgana almost wanted to blow her cover completely and spring out from behind the curtain, throwing the brick forcefully in the servants' direction. He was so stupendously dim-witted it was nearly physically intolerable to witness.

"Well go and get it then, Merlin!" Arthur finally ordered, his voice raised in exasperation. Hasty footsteps echoed out, finally fading as Merlin disappeared back down the corridor. Arthur muttered something that Morgana could not quite make out, but no doubt it was of little importance. The Prince rarely said anything that the ward found vaguely interesting these days.

Then, the sound of Arthur moving about the room. Now was the most dangerous moment of the plan – the moment where Morgana had to peek out from behind the curtain and wait until Arthur was facing the other direction so she could fling the brick at his head.

The young witch carefully peered around the edge of the curtain and, much to her relief, found that Arthur was indeed facing the other way. He was looking towards the door, no doubt waiting to impart a generously angry glare on Merlin when he scurried back. Morgana silently stepped out from behind the curtain, taking a small step forwards, hand holding the brick raised.

Now was her moment. Her time to prove that all of that training with Morgause had been well spent, her time to show her killer intent, her murderous malevolence! HER TIME TO STRIKE!

The brick was suddenly hurled in Arthur's direction, hurled with force and rage and –

Morgana's face fell. Time itself seemed to slow down as she watched in horror as the brick missed Arthur's head by centimetres and crashed loudly into the wall instead.

Arthur swung around with startling speed, eyes darting around to find the intruder. And find the intruder he did as his eyes landed on none other than Morgana herself, arm still outstretched.

"MORGANA?"

"I...I..."

"WHAT EXACTLY WAS THAT?" The Prince demanded, absolute shock evident on his handsome face "You could have killed me!"

"I..." Morgana stammered, her face pale with dread. She had to think up a reason for throwing a brick hard in Arthur's direction right now, otherwise she could be accused of anything. Right. Now. At this moment. She needed to speak up for herself. This awkward silence was doing anything but help her cause. All she had to do was say something! Anything! Anything would do – "Well I just...you see there was a...there was a...a fly." She gushed eventually, doing her best to look serious.

"A fly?" Arthur repeated, sounding none too convinced. "You threw a brick, almost killing me in the process, in order to hit a fly?"

"Yes." Morgana replied, possibly a little too quickly "Absolutely. Those things are devils."

There was a long silence, in which Morgana continued to stare resolutely at the Prince, giving a small, slow nod as if to try and help influence him to agree with her. Arthur stared back at her in utter bewilderment. "Where did you even come from?"

"...Oh...you know...I was just...around..." Morgana replied, vaguely gesturing around the entire room.

"In my chambers?"

"No, no! Heaven's no! I came in through...the..." It was at this moment that the ward realised the only way into the room was through the door which Arthur had been facing towards. And he most obviously would not have seen her coming through the door, on account of the fact she had, in fact, been hiding behind the curtains. "...through the window."

Another silence. Morgana did her best to keep a solemn expression on her face, despite the utter absurdity of what she was suggesting.

"You came in...through the window?"

"Evidently, Arthur. Do not be so stupid."

"I'm sorry," The Prince retorted, trying to get his head around the situation "You expect me to believe that you climbed up through my window, holding a brick, in order to squash a fly?"

"Now you are being ridiculous." Morgana snapped, trying her best to keep control of the conversation "Of course I did not climb through your window just to dispose of a fly. I...just thought I would...pop in to say 'hello'. And then I happened to spot the fly on the wall and there was a brick on your windowsill, so I did what anybody else would have done and threw the brick in the hopes of vanquishing the fly from the room."

A third silence. The longest one of all. Morgana rather wished she were anywhere else but in Arthur's room at this moment.

"You...you popped in, through my window, to say 'hello'? And there was a spare brick on my windowsill? I don't..." Arthur shook his head, brows furrowed in confusion "I don't think I quite believe you, Morgana-"

"WELL REALLY!" Morgana shrieked, the pressure finally getting too much for her "I can't do anything around here without being accused of doing something dreadful! Can a girl not climb through a window anymore? Are those days gone? You are so rude sometimes, Arthur! I shall go straight to the King and complain! I am the King's ward, I have rights!" And with that, she marched towards the door, practically radiating waves of displeasure.

Arthur, not quite believing what was happening, could only stand dumbfounded and watch as Morgana stormed out of the room, just as Merlin reappeared carrying his left gauntlet.

"Get out of the way, Merlin!" The ward snapped angrily before she vanished down the corridor.

Merlin frowned, glancing to the shocked looking Arthur. "Is...is everything alright?" He asked cautiously, not wanting to incur the Prince's short temper.

"I...I don't..." Arthur shook his head disbelievingly "...I think I need a drink..."


Morgause, to put it simply, could not believe her ears. "You said what?"

"I know, I know! Don't be like that, Morgause! Please! I felt so under pressure and it just came out!" Morgana whined ashamedly, wanting to dig herself a hole in the cave floor and stay hidden in it forever. Sadly, as it was, she was sat on the comfortable chair which had, after only a visit or two, become her chair. The wards' legs were curled underneath her, her shoes having been kicked off in a rather childlike tantrum when she first entered the cave. Everything about her posture indicated that she would like to just disappear from view altogether. "You should have seen his face. I don't think he believed a word of what I said."

"Really?" Morgause drawled sarcastically, sitting opposite her sibling on a chair that was rather more uncomfortable. In contrast to her sisters' withdrawn pose, the blonde was looking decidedly more at ease, leisurely leant back in her seat with her legs outstretched before her, feet resting on a stool. "Really, Morgana? Your deductive powers never cease to amaze me with their accuracy."

"Morgause! Do you not think I have had enough tribulation for one day? Would it hurt you to be kind and sympathetic for once?"

"I will be kind when you eventually decide to engage with your brain and say something intelligent."

"Oh, really - !"

"It is high time you learnt to lie effectively. What use are you as a spy in Camelot when you cannot think up plausible lies on the spot in order to cover yourself?" The blonde questioned in a tone that indicated she thought her sister more or less a complete fool "Tell me a lie."

"What?"

"Tell me a lie. Now."

Morgana frowned, mouth opening and closing a couple of times in pathetic attempts to conjure up some fabricated statement or story, before she scowled and shook her head. "This is ridiculous!"

"No, what is ridiculous is your inability to do anything correctly or well whatsoever! If it were not for me, I do not know what would have become of you! Now, lie."

Begrudgingly deciding that she was too tired to argue, Morgana took a deep breath and stated, "I find Merlin's big ears incredibly attractive."

No, no, no, no, no. Morgause let out a loud, long suffering groan. How she and her sister were at all related, she had no idea. "But that's just not plausible, is it?"

"It could be!" Morgana replied defensively "You get rather accustomed to them after knowing him for so long and-"

"Do not try to justify your ludicrously poor attempt at a lie, sister. I am not sure I can handle so much of your stupidity in one evening."

"Morgause!"

"Honestly, you are an utter travesty to the world of magic, you do realize that? You are so full of promise...so full of potential, yet you relentlessly seem to ignore this in exchange for sheer idiocy."

The raven haired witch gave a disgruntled huff, moodily staring at the fire to the side of them. Morgause, taking into account her sisters' rather defeated looking posture and apparent unwillingness to argue (which was stunningly uncharacteristic), decided to relent a little with her insults. Morgana had, after all, had a very difficult day.

"Try again." The blonde ordered, albeit in a somewhat gentler tone than she had been speaking with before.

"I don't want to now." Morgana replied sulkily, reminding Morgause greatly of a small child.

"I am only trying to help. We do not want you getting into another situation where you make a complete idi-" The older woman paused, catching herself just before she flung another insult at her younger sibling "...We do not want you to have to go through such a terrible ordeal again, do we?" She tried again, hoping the softer approach would appeal to Morgana.

And appeal it did, as the young witch slowly turned her gaze back upon her sister. "Fine. If you think it will help." She grumbled. Taking a moment to think over what she could say, the ward eventually settled on "Uther fell off a parapet today and died."

Morgause's jaw clenched in irritation, her very short patience all but gone already. Taking a steadying breath, the blonde forced herself to stay calm and level headed "Sister, that is not a lie, that is a wish."

"I think you will find it is both." Morgana retorted haughtily. "Must we do this? I am tired. I want to rest."

"You can rest once you have told me one lie that is in the least bit believable."

"I have just told you two! You have just chosen not to believe them!"

"Due to the fact they were not believable!" Morgause replied exasperatedly, wondering why she even bothered to impart her infinite wisdom upon somebody so unwilling to learn "Try again."

Morgana eyed her sister for a moment before, with a hint of an amused smirk on her face, drawling "I dislike my sister immeasurably."

"Morgana!"

"You cannot disprove it."

"Do not be absurd. Clearly it is a lie."

"How have you decided that? You do not know my mind."

Morgause scowled, disliking intently where this discussion was going "If you did not like me, sister, then you would not be here."

"Perhaps I felt obligated to visit as we are related."

"And perhaps soon I will feel obligated to throw you and your disastrous personality out of this cave and into the rain!" Morgause bellowed, the fire beside them briefly flaring up as her anger spiked.

Morgana shrunk back slightly in her chair, feeling much akin to somebody who had been poking at a cat and then been surprised when the animal pounced. She really should keep in mind, at all times, that Morgause had possibly the shortest temper known to the world -

"I completely despair of you sometimes!" The blonde was roaring furiously, having gotten up from her seat in order to stomp around the cave "My eyebrows have more tact and intelligence than you have ever displayed in all the time that I've known you! I took a year of my life to train you in the vain hope that one day you would do something of some worth, and instead you launch a brick at the Prince of Camelot, managing to miss his entire head when you were only feet away, and blame it on account of the fact you were trying to hit a fly. A fly, Morgana! Out of all the excuses you could have come up with! For Goddess' sake! Here I am attempting to cultivate a terrifying, powerful witch out of you and all you do is skip about in frivolity! Half of the time you sit there spouting some nonsensical drivel about fashion or hair, and I simply feel like throwing myself into a den of mountain lions just so I have something more productive to do!"

And then...silence.

Morgause halted in her mad pacing for a moment, attempting to bring her breathing back under control. She glanced to Morgana, noting the young witch was looking very meek and sorry for herself indeed. Urgh. The blonde scowled, trying her very best to remain unaffected by her sisters' large, apologetic eyes. As if eyes could influence her mood. As if the fact Morgana was reminding her very much of a kicked puppy could do anything but worsen her mood and –

"Morgana this expression of yours is not going to affect my decisions in the slightest."

Yet still, the puppy dog eyes.

"Oh, for the love of the Old Religion!" Morgause relented "I declare I may have spoken somewhat out of term."

Pause.

Big, shiny remorseful eyes.

With a disgruntled huff, the older sibling dragged herself over to stand beside Morgana's chair "You needn't look so sorry for yourself, it is your fault I became so angry after all." And still no verbal response. Morgause, much against her better judgement, was beginning to feel rather guilty over her actions "Really, Morgana! Must you resort to emotional blackmail?"

Apparently the answer was a resolute yes. The two continued to stare at each other for a moment or two more, and eventually Morgause plonked herself on the other woman's lap, looking thoroughly displeased with her own lack of willpower. "Fine. I apologize. There was no reason for me to be quite so discourteous."

Morgana's expression immediately switched to a large beam of triumph, and she latched her arms around her sisters' waist gleefully. "No reason at all. But you are forgiven as I realise you have grave anger issues."

"I do not have anger issues." Morgause retorted a little too defensively, a scowl still evident on her face.

Time passed peacefully for a minute or two more, with Morgana relishing in her victory over causing her sister to apologize. It so very rarely happened that the moment had to be savoured to its utmost, and Morgana intended to do just that.

But then - a small, unimpressed huff from the woman on her lap.

"This does not change the fact that you still unreservedly fail at lying."

The blonde was promptly pushed off of her sisters' lap, crashing to the ground in a manner that was anything but flattering, and she was left looking utterly perplexed as Morgana stalked moodily out of the cave.


Authors Notes: Awwwh, puppy dog eyes. They make even the fiercest of people melt. Actually, I'm going to push the boat out here and admit that I have a thing with dog ears. Not like, a weird thing. Just a 'THEY ARE SO SOFT AND I WANT TO...JUST LIKE...EAT THEM OR SOMETHING' thing. Or is that weird? That's probably weird. Don't judge me. You ain't Judge Judy (unless you are, in which case, please feel free to judge, Mrs. Sheindlin. You and your hammer of JUSTICE).

I need to stop talking now. I am rambling. And that never bodes well for me or my attempts at pretending to have some ounce of sanity left. Cool cool.

Just forget you are reviewing a mad persons' story and clickity-click-click that button and SPEAK TO ME. Tell me how the story is going. Tell me if you liked the chapter. Tell me you like unicorns. I don't care. I just crave REVIEWS. OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.