Chapter 8
~~~Tobias~~~
The sun rays start to come through the curtains the next morning. I never really lived before I met her. I just existed until then. I lie beside her and just watch her. Her breaths are even and steady. The peaceful look on her face reminds me of an angel. I brush the hair from her face and whisper, "I love you, babydoll."
It was worth waiting for. She was worth waiting for. Suddenly, I can't wait anymore. I run my hand down her side and over her curves. "Mmm" she moans in her sleep. I lightly press my lips to hers and she starts to kiss me back. I pull her in tighter and her fingers run up my back.
~~~Tris~~~
I can feel him hardening against me. Is it possible to just stay in this bed with him forever?
"Are you sore?"
I didn't notice until now. "Yes, I guess I am."
"We don't have to do anything right now. We can wait."
"Tobias?"
"Yeah, babe."
"Are you sure you were a virgin. How did you learn to move like that? Christina said our first time would be quick and I probably wouldn't enjoy it too much. She said it would get better over time but I can't imagine it gets any better than that."
"Tris," he laughs, "I was a virgin. I had no idea what I was doing. I just went with it. You made me feel things I didn't think were possible. But I can ask you the same question. How did you learn to move like that?"
"I was just following your lead I guess." I'm so embarrassed but I was always told if you can't openly talk about it you shouldn't be doing it. "Your hands were guiding my hips. I did what felt good and when I heard you moan I knew it must have felt good so I kept doing whatever it was I was doing."
"How did you know what to do to that popsicle, Tris." He asked. "I know you were a virgin and I was your first kiss…but that…that was skill!"
"Girls talk, Tobias." I admitted. "The rest of it… I went by how much I was being turned on by it and how much I was turning you on. I'm glad no one could see what I could feel beneath your hand." I grin.
"Weren't you scared by that?"
"I was terrified!"
"It's amazing." He said
"What is?"
"Fear does crazy things to people. But it doesn't shut you down, it wakes you up. I see it in your eyes. That's why I pushed you so hard in training. I just wanted to see it again." Tobias admitted.
"Two months ago I never dreamed I would not be in Abnegation. I always admired Dauntless. They seemed so free. I felt trapped in Abnegation. I felt suffocated. At the time, putting my blood on those coals seemed like the most selfish thing I had ever done. It may have been but it was the best decision I have ever made. I wouldn't be lying right here with you right now."
We lay in silence for a few minutes.
"Tobias, if we both stayed in Abnegation do you think we would have gotten together."
"Yes. But it would have been different."
"How so?"
"I'm sure we would have met at your initiation. It only took one look into your eyes for me to be addicted to you. I'm positive it would have happened there too. We would have worked together with the factionless. I probably would have even stolen a kiss. Our fathers are very influential people. They are both leaders of Abnegation. I'm sure your father would have gladly given me your hand."
"Marriage?" I am shocked that he was thinking of that.
"Yes, Tris, marriage."
We lay in silence a bit longer. I wonder what he is thinking. Would he really want to marry me? I know that I can't imagine myself with anyone else other than him. I don't know how to tell him what I remember.
"Why didn't you tell me you played guitar and sang?"
He kisses me on my forehead. "I can't give away all of my secrets at once. You may get bored with me." I can feel him grin.
"Do you have any secrets, Tris."
"I do."
"Go on."
"During initiation you knew I snuck out to train. But I also snuck out to do other things."
"Like what? Where did you go?"
"I had a few interests that I wasn't allowed to pursue being in Abnegation. Too self-indulgent."
"What are they?" he asked.
"I love to draw. I snuck down to the Chasm, where you first kissed me, and I drew all kinds of things. I would also sneak to the entertainment room where the bands practice."
"You play music!?"
"I love music, Tobias. It says everything I can't find the words to say. Music touches the deepest parts of people. It makes them feel things that otherwise would lay dormant inside them. Music can reveal things to people. I was shocked to find out you play guitar and sing. I mean, what are the chances that two Abnegation would have the same passions?"
"I learned to love music the minute I got here. Zeke is Dauntless-born and always played. He taught me how to play guitar. He took me in as his brother. He is the only one, before you, that really knew me. He knew I was from Abnegation because we were initiates together but he doesn't know my real name or about Marcus. We talk every day, though. He is the only family I have now."
"That's not true, Tobias. I am your family too." Tobias fights back a tear and gently kisses me.
"I know." He says and changes the subject. "So do you play anything or just go down and listen to music?"
"When you were in the bedroom with Christina and Will, it was the first time I heard live music other than at Abnegation services. Zeke played a song you both wrote together. It was amazing. I was instantly hooked. I learned how to play piano for Abnegation services but I was never allowed to learn anything other than the 'approved songs'." Something came across Tobias' eyes. I can't make it out. " I snuck out and played the piano and wrote songs of my own when I was still in Abnegation. Your father almost caught me once."
"What kind of songs did you write?" he ignored the mention of his father.
"I don't know. Mostly songs that was kind of depressing. I felt trapped and suppressed in Abnegation. I wanted to be free like the Dauntless. When I first got here I would lay down in bed and go over this melody over and over again. Every time I closed my eyes I played it in my head. That is when I started sneaking to the entertainment room. I never imagined Dauntless would have a piano. But when I saw it on the tour you gave us I knew I had to get in there. As initiation went on I started finding the words. I just didn't have the words until then."
"Will you play it for me?"
"I've never played my music in front of anyone before. I only played at the meetings but they weren't my songs. I'm a little scared. I'm not as good as you are. You were amazing!"
"Did you know I do a lot of my writing here in the apartment?"
"No I didn't know that."
"Zeke's apartment is too small for a lot of his equipment. Since I ranked first I got a bigger apartment and it's farther away from people so I let his band practice here. Have you not gone into the spare bedroom?"
"No, Tobias. Until yesterday I wasn't aware I was living here so I didn't snoop through your things." I laugh.
"Well, it's your apartment now, too." He told me. Tobias got up from the bed and put on a pair of night pants and handed me one of his long t-shirts. "Come with me."
He walked me to the spare bedroom and opened the door.
"A piano?!"
"Yes. You can play it anytime you want."
"Oh my god, Tobias. That's…"
"Will you play me your song?"
"Actually Tobias, it is your song."
"You wrote a song for me too?"
"I did."
"Please let me hear it."
I walked over to the piano. I let my fingers glide over the keys as if caressing each one. Tobias pulled the bench out for me and I sat down. He leaned on the top of the upright piano onto his forearms.
"You know those muscles are distracting." I giggle.
"Are they now?" He smiles and flexes.
"I'm nervous."
"Be brave, Tris."
I take a deep breath and begin to play.
(See link in Authors notes to hear Tris play for Tobias.]
There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope
Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope
I give You my destiny
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope
I sit there still looking at the piano in silence. Still too afraid to move. I am supposed to be brave and I just exposed the most vulnerable side of myself. A side no one has ever seen and until now I wasn't allowed to have this side of me. I'm frozen.
Tobias places his finger on the side of my chin and pulls my face to look up to where he is standing. I see a tear run down his cheek.
"No one has ever loved me like that." He says as he lets another tear fall.
"Tobias…" I jump from my seat and wrap my arms around his shoulders putting my hands into his hair and bringing him to me. His arms wrap around my waist and pull me closer to him. We hold our embrace neither one of us wanting to let go. Tears stream down my face. Tobias pulls me back and wipes the tears from under my eyes with his thumbs.
"I love you, Tris. You are the only person I have ever loved. I will never stop loving you."
"I love you, Tobias. I prayed for you before I knew you." I sigh and look down.
"Tris, what's wrong?"
"When I learned your name, in your fear landscape, I remembered you. I remembered you from Abnegation. I was at your house. I was at your mother's funeral. I used to look at you during services. I was only 14 when you left. But I knew you. And I knew then that I wanted to know more about you. I should have known, Tobias. I rarely caught glimpses of you in the halls at school and never saw you out working. I should have known something was wrong. I could have done something." I cried.
"Tris, you couldn't have done anything to prevent what happened. But I knew you too."
"What?"
"It wasn't until I kissed you at the Chasm that it all clicked for me. I remember you at my mother's funeral. We were just small kids. My father used to talk about Andrew and Natalie Prior and their children. Until I heard your voice singing just now I didn't realized you were the Angel that kept me going. I looked forward to Thursday night meetings every week. You and your voice kept me strong."
"You knew me but I didn't know myself. I don't know who I am, Tobias."
"I know exactly who you are, Tris!"
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yes, I am."
~~~Authors Note~~~
I can't believe I got over 1,000 readers in one day! You all are amazing. Your reviews really touch me! I was so afraid to share my stories with people. Thank you so much!
Please follow this link to hear Tris play for Tobias. I can't post a link so just delete all the spaces.
Tris' song to Tobias
