H ~ Heart

June 2, 1995

She woke me up from my dream, when she slid into my bed. Her perfectly manicured fingers lightly touched my upper arm as she brushed her nose against the top of my head like she always did when she got comfortable behind me. The unique smell reminded her of the day I was born.

"Hey," I mumbled in a raspy voice, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

"Hey, I'm sorry sweetheart. I didn't mean to wake you up."

I shrugged my shoulders, a simple gesture to let her know I didn't care.

"Did you have fun tonight?" I asked, genuinely interested.

She went on a third date with some guy she met at work. Never in the past fifteen years, she had shown any interest in men. I knew she didn't want to start something serious with a man because of me.

"Yeah, he took me out to dinner and we went to see a movie afterwards," she answered and although I couldn't see her, I was sure she was beaming.

"Well, why are you in my bed then?" I whispered teasingly "Where is he?"

She playfully squeezed my arm and kissed my cheek.

"You're being awfully cheeky for someone who just woke up Vause," she chuckled.

"No, I'm serious! Why don't you just invite him over if you like him so much?"

I knew it was a bold question. I shouldn't interfere in her dating life, but I just wanted her to be happy and have some fun.

"You know why Alex."

I did. She didn't bring men home, because she didn't want to confront me with them in the morning and didn't want to introduce me to guys who didn't have the intention to stick around for long. It's something I'm silently thankful for, but I don't expect her to stay alone until I'm leaving the house once I'm old enough.

"Mom, I'm fifteen. I'm sure I can handle it," I assured her.

She let oud a hard laugh. "Sure, I'll speak to you again when you're preparing breakfast in the kitchen in just your smelly Nirvana t-shirt as some random half naked dude walks out of my bedroom."

O god. I hate to visualize things. Maybe, it wasn't such a good idea.

"Um yeah, maybe you can bring him home when I'm staying over at Matt's place," I offered lamely, but still trying to encourage her to take steps into the world of dating, which was completely new to her.

She chuckled and opened her mouth to speak.

"Speaking of Matt, you're staying over at his house tomorrow night right?"

I shook my head. We had a real big argument this afternoon. We were supposed to hang out tomorrow night, but he had canceled our plans. My blood boiled with anger as I thought of him.

"No, he ditched me for his boyfriend," I growled.

Her fingers squeezed my arm again as some kind of comforting gesture.

"Oh well, it's nice for him he is in love with someone don't you think?"

I wasn't sure why she was asking me this, she already knew the answer.

"No, fuck him. His boyfriend is nice though, he taught me how to apply eyeliner, but Matt is not spending time with me anymore. I can't believe I'm losing my only friend to some boy who wears mascara to school. I mean, come on." I rolled my eyes in frustration to emphasize my anger, although my mom couldn't see me.

"Oh Alex, your time will come sweetheart."

My body immediately froze at her words. Last year, I found out I was into girls, but I hadn't told anyone yet.

I was fourteen when Matt and I decided to spend our free Saturday morning at an indoor waterpark. He immediately jumped into the pool and begged me to join him, but I refused and got comfortable on a lounge chair. I was admiring my new black and white striped bikini as a group of girls walked by. There wasn't anything special about them, so I didn't pay much attention until …. she came into view. A ginger-haired goddess. She was probably around the age of sixteen and placed her towel on the lounge chair next to mine. Her friends walked around the pool before diving into the water, but she just stood there with her back turned towards me. My eyes wandered over her gorgeous body. Her thick curls fell loosely around her shoulders, her butt was full and round and her legs were toned and elegant. My mouth went dry when she hooked her thumbs under the edge of her bikini bottoms to adjust them, before she positioned herself on the chair. I could feel my temperature rising by the sight of her as my body tingled in all the right places. All those new feelings swirled around in my body like an ocean of waves. I had always been intrigued by females, but these emotions were completely foreign to me and in that moment, I realized that I might be gay.

I don't care about my sexuality. I'm okay with it, but I hadn't told anyone yet. I'm scared to disappoint my mom or that the girls at my school would find out, which would give them another reason to bully me. But maybe, this was the perfect moment to test the waters.

"No, that's never going to happen," I stated.

"Don't be pessimistic. Of course you'll meet someone and go on dates."

Okay, she wasn't getting the point, maybe I've been too vague.

"No mom, I'm never going to have a boyrfriend," I said firmly, while my stomach was doing somersaults. If she didn't get it now….

"I wasn't talking about boys Alex," she whispered.

My breath hitched in my throat.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked while my tone was weak and quivery.

"No, I don't want to put words in your mouth. So, please sweetheart, explain to me what you mean."

Fuck, she knows. I'm sure she knows, but she wants me to say it out loud.

"I… I only like girls. I .. I'm gay mom." I cursed myself for not being able to keep the sudden stutter under control. An overwhelming sense of peace and relief washed over me as the words left my lips. This was the first time I said it out loud and referred to myself as gay and it felt liberating. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, waiting for her to respond.

Her fingers left my arm and she started stroking my hair.

"Can you turn around please?" her voice was trembling with emotion and I was scared she was mad at me, or worse… disappointed.

I slowly turned around to face her, bracing myself for what she was going to say.

"I know Alex. Thank you for telling me," she whispered as tears rolled down her face.

I was astonished. She knew. Was it so obvious?

"Why are you crying? Did I disappoint you?" I asked nervously.

" O god no! No! It's just … you were always a little different. I've suspected this since you were five years old darling. I'm just relieved that after ten years, you discovered it yourself. I was hard for me not to ask you about it during those years."

My eyes widened in surprise. Since I was five? Really?

"Why didn't you ask me? It could have made things a little easier for me you know."I wasn't sure if I was a little mad her for not helping me to come out.

"I wanted you to explore your sexuality yourself. I didn't want to push you in any direction or have some influence on you. I was convinced you would come to me when the time was right," she said while her hand cupped my cheek. "Are you in love with anyone Al?"

I shook my head. I'm seriously crushing on my math teacher, but it's nothing really worth mentioning.

"Is there another reason you're telling me this right now?"

I swear to god, she has some kind of sixth sense for things like this. She always knows when something had happened. A blush covered my face and I was sure my mom could feel the sudden warmth against her hand. I wanted to tell her, she's my best friend, but felt a little embarrassed about the reason why I told her all of this.

"You remember that stupid party at Jessica's house last Friday right? You know, the one I wasn't invited to?"

She nodded and took my hand in hers, stroking the back of my hand with her thumb. I knew she hated it when I talked about my lack of friends or the bullying.

"There's some new girl in my class who also didn't get invited. So, we thought it would be nice to hang out together. We went to the indoor skatepark and I kissed her full on the mouth. She's nice, but I'm not in love with her," I said, not looking at my mom.

A bright grin formed on my mother's face, failing to keep her excitement under control.

"I see, and you're telling me this now because … after that kiss you know for sure you're into girls?" she asked tentatively.

"Yeah," I nodded.

"You seem to be okay with being gay honey. Am I right?"

I immediately tensed up. Why was she asking me this?

"Yes, I am. Are you okay with your daughter being gay?" I needed to know the answer.

She was silent for a few seconds, which made me nervous all over again.

"Of course I'm okay with it Alex. It's just … I was scared you wouldn't accept yourself the way you are. You're already a little different from other girls your age and maybe realizing you were gay wasn't making it easier for you to stay true to yourself," she whispered as another round of tears streamed down her cheeks.

She's such a strong woman, but can be so emotional sometimes, showing her caring personality. I love that about her. She only showed this side of her to the ones who are close to her. I guess I inherited her characteristics. Before I could respond, she parted her lips to continue.

"Al, the world is cruel okay? I'm proud of you for being comfortable in your own skin, but some people won't accept you sweetheart. I mean, we live in the nineties, but some people are still close-minded towards homosexuals. Homophobia is still a huge problem and I…. I'm scared for you."

Her fear shattered my soul into a million pieces. I could hear her unconditional love for me seeping through the words and I almost started crying with her.

"I know mom, but please don't be scared. People will always find a reason to hate on others."

She gave me a weak smile and wiped the tears from her cheeks.

"I heart you," she said before placing a kiss to my temple. It felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I didn't care about what people might think. The only person I wanted approval from was my mom.

It was silent for a long time and I was sure she had fallen asleep, until she bolted upright and the sound of her voice filled the room again.

"Alex, you didn't have sex with that girl after you kissed her right?"

I wondered how she managed to make me so feel awkward … so fast. She could be straightforward from time to time.

I started fidgeting with the hem of my Death Maiden t-shirt, blushing fiercely.

"Of course not. I'm not ready for that yet mom."

My mother let out a deep breath and relaxed back into her pillow.

"Good."

"Good?" I frowned, looking her straight in the eye.

"Yeah, I know it isn't my business, but I think you should wait until you're in love and share you're first time with a girl you really like. I didn't wait and wasn't ready at all. I still regret that," she said in a soft voice.

I knew she didn't have the best experience. She had told me that she shared her first time with some eighteen year old dude in the back of his car. My mom was just fourteen years old and they didn't really like each other, but he had offered her a place to sleep when her alcoholic parents had kicked her out again.

"And by the way, I think it's important to get to know your own body before you explore someone else's," she continued in a serious tone. "But judging by the deep flush that's covering your face right now, I assume you're already familiar with that part Vause,"she teased. She didn't even try to hide the amusement in her voice.

"Mom! I'm not going to talk to you about that," I groaned as I buried my face into the pillow.

"Oh, are you going to act like an embarrassed teenager now?" she laughed. "That's new."

Before I could give her a clever reply, her hands grabbed my waist and started tickling me. I burst out laughing while my body twisted uncontrollably. Her fingers traveled up to my armpits, causing me to scream.

"STOP… please," I begged her and when I had to gasp for air in order to prevent myself from suffocating, she released me.

"You know I was teasing you Al. But seriously, please don't feel embarrassed about those things. You can talk to me about everything. I just want you to know that."

I nodded as I tried to gain my breathing and let my muscles relax again.

"I'm fucking glad I don't have to tell you about condoms. I was not looking forward to that," she stated.

I couldn't suppress the snort that erupted through my nose.

"Fuck, I would rather have a daughter that's gay than a daughter who is addicted to drugs," she stated out of the blue while placing her hand on her forehead. "I actually feel a little happy that you're a lesbian. Maybe your future girlfriend wants to shop with me."

I rolled my eyes at her, shifting on the bed to lay on my back as I positioned my arms behind my head and gazed up at the ceiling.

"Mom, I can ask you anything right?" I whispered softly.

"Of course."

"Do you think dad would have disapproved of me for not being heterosexual?"

I could feel her stiffen beside me.

"Oh Al, I don't know."

She wasn't being honest with me. I knew her too well.

"Yes you do! I can hear it in your voice," I said.

"Why is that important? He is not a part of your life honey."

"Because I'm going to meet him in a few years mom, that's why. Maybe I'll have a girlfriend around that time and bring her with me." Excitement unfolded in my chest as I visualized our first meeting.

My mother exhaled deeply, placing a warm hand on my shirt-covered belly.

"He wasn't exactly open-minded towards same-sex relationships at the time. I hope he's changed when you meet him darling, but I seriously doubt it."

I was thankful for her honesty, but wasn't happy with the answer.

"I'm sure he's changed. He'll accept me so we can develop a real father-daughter relationship," I stated, more to convince myself than to convince my mother.

She kissed my cheek and suggested that we should close our eyes and get some sleep. I rolled over, facing the wall and I pressed my back against her chest. I always felt extremely safe when she was lying this close to me.

"Are you sure you're okay with me being gay mom?" I asked her one last time.

"Yes I am. I don't care whether you like boys or girls or whatever. I just want you te be happy that's all that matters to me. Don't worry Alex. And besides..."

She kissed my shoulder, before she continued.

"You can't control where your heart goes."

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A/N: I do not own anything, but I just loooove LP's quote about controlling your heart and I thought it would be perfect for this Alex/Diane moment, so I used it ;)