Disclaimer: I do not, nor have I ever, claimed to own iCarly.
I wake up alone, my arm stretched out over the empty bed, and it feels like I've lost something, like I'm reaching for something. I lift my head off the pillow, groggy, and then I snap awake. I'm in Carly's bed. It wasn't a dream... it was real. She kissed me. She felt something. And I feel my heart start to thud crazily and I'm elated and scared at the same time. And for once, I'm almost able to forget what happened. Forget everything that happened.
I sit up, my blonde hair tumbling around my face, rubbing my eyes. Carly walks in, ruffling her hair with a towel and I freeze, mid stretch. She smiles at me. "Morning Sam!"
And I relax, "Morning Carls." And I'm too paranoid, always waiting for something to go wrong. Maybe this time, it's right. I stand, feeling my skin warm in the glow of the sunlight spilling through the window. I move over to her, my heart thumping. "Carly?"
She turns, looking at me, and I want to ask her what's happening, what's going on and what the fuck we are right now, but I'm scared, so I look away, my guts twisting inside me. "Whatcha doin' today?" I say instead, my mouth feeling dry. She shrugs, playing with her hair in the mirror, turned away from me, and I touch her arm softly. And she jumps, and I let my hand drop.
She smiles quickly, a nervous laugh coming from her, "Oh, I don't know. School I guess."
I smile tightly, "Oh, right. School."
Her brow furrows, "Sounds like you miss it. Having withdrawals from the cafeteria food?"
I laugh, "Yeah, sure, and Miss Brigg's sweet voice." But what I really want to say is, 'I miss spending time with you.' And I've never been good in the morning. Especially a morning like this. I want to kiss her, so bad, but I don't know where I stand. And I'm not going to touch her without her permission. Never again.
We head down to breakfast, me still in my boxers and tank top, because, what's the point in changing? I'm not going anywhere. And it's not that things are awkward between us, it's that she's pretending like nothing happened. But Carly's never been that good an actress, and I can sense something underneath. And I just wanna ask her, just wanna know what the fuck is going on, and why can't she look at me?
And when she goes to school I calm down, pacing the iCarly studio. I'm reading too much into it. She said she needed to see – I shiver at the memory – but what did she see? She said she felt something... but what does that mean? She wanted me to sleep with her... she let me hold her. What do I do? Do I do anything? And I chew my nails, wearing them down, trying to figure this thing out. But I can't. It's not reliant on me, there's nothing I can do. And maybe if I wasn't stuck in this stupid apartment, maybe if there was someone... something to do I wouldn't be obsessing so much over every little thing. But it's Carly. I sigh angrily, throwing myself in a beanbag. I hated thinking. All it did was twist everything around and make it bad. Better to act on impulse. So what do I want to do, right now? Kiss Carly.
I sigh. Not working.
I spend most of the day just pacing and trying to distract myself. Hell, I even cleaned a little. And I know Spencer's here, but I can't talk to him about kissing his little sister. So we have one hell of an awkward lunch, where Spence asks me questions I'm too distracted to answer properly.
And then I start to get angry. Who does she think she is? Pretending like it never happened and then just flitting off to school? Who is she to fuck with my heart like that? She knows I'm in love with her, why would she tease me like that?
But I can't stay angry. Because I know she wouldn't do that. And I wish I could help her with what she's struggling with, wish I knew what she was thinking. But at the same time, I don't want to know. Because I might not want to hear it.
But she kissed me. She kissed me more than once. That means something, right? Does it? What does it mean? Was it an experiment? Am I expecting too much? Fuck. I hate thinking.
I throw myself on the couch, turning the TV on. Not that I'm watching it, but it gives background noise to my pouting and furious thoughts. And though it's inexorable, it's finally over – Carly comes home. Huh, home. I guess this place is my home, more than my apartment ever was. I jump up, a grin on my face. I can't help it.
"Hey! How was school?"
Carly sighs, closing the door. "Jank." She drops her backpack on the floor. "How was your day?"
I grunt in response. No need to tell her all the crap that's running through my head. But... "Carly... can I... can we talk?"
It makes my heart drop when her eyes flick away from me, and she chews on her lip, brushing past me and moving to the kitchen. "Can it wait? I've got a ton of homework to do." She won't even look at me when she says it.
And I don't know how to fight this. I don't know how to fight with words. "I... don't you think we should talk about this?"
And she's busying herself with something on the kitchen table... with nothing really. "I don't know what you're talking about Sam."
My head drops and I sigh. "Carly..."
She turns, toying with a piece of fruit. Her eyes can't seem to leave the floor. "I... we will. It's just... not right now. I really do have a lot of homework."
And I know she's lying. She sucks at lying. But I drop it. Even though it hurts, I drop it. Because I'm not going to force her to talk. Maybe I would've before, but this is... delicate. And I don't want to break whatever this is. Even though it already feels broken.
And Carly disappears into her room, to do her 'homework'. And I don't follow her. I stay, and I sit on the couch, and I fight to make my mind blank, turning 'Seattle Beat' up and trying to concentrate on it.
I wake up suddenly, feeling a form near me. It's dark, but I can see from the outline it's Carly. I blink a few times, trying to clear my groggy head. "Carls?"
And I can hear her breathing, the rhythm uneven, and she sways, as if she's unsure about something. And I feel her hand slide into my hair and then she's kissing me. Kissing me hard, hungrily, only stopping to pant short breaths before she anchors her lips to me again. And I feel her hand, tightening in my hair, her tongue, sliding into my unresisting mouth and I sit up more, getting a better angle. And it's overwhelming, and my heart's thudding crazily in my chest. And it's like there's this thing swelling in my head, getting all big and achy, and I pull back, licking my lips. "Carly... what are you doing?"
And her voice is small, and hesitant. "I- I don't know." I can feel her breath trembling on my cheek, sense her lips so close to me, and I can't fight it. And I know I shouldn't, because this is only going to fuck me up more in the morning. But I can't stop myself, and I put a finger to her chin, tilting her head up and bringing my lips to her, brushing them so lightly, so gently it's like a question. And she answers, her mouth moving hotly on me, deepening the kiss quickly, desperately, pressing too hard and stealing my breath. I sit up, pulling her closer, and she crawls onto the couch, straddling me. And my hands touch her face, shaking, and the skin is hot, so hot and she takes my hand, breaking away from me for a moment. And there's this part of me, this pathetic little kid in me that's shouting 'Stop!', and it's the smart part of me, the part of me that knows how much this can hurt later. Carly moves my hand under her shirt, placing it on her bare breast, and I feel her nipple, hard against the palm of my hand. And that little part of me sobs a bit louder. "Please Sam... I need you." And her voice is so soft, so hoarse I'm not sure if she even said it, if it wasn't for the sharp pull I feel in response. And then she's kissing me again, these wet, open-mouthed kisses that she breathes into and they drug me, and all I can do is kiss her back, flicking a thumb over the hard nub of her nipple. And she moans into my mouth, her hips pressing into me, and I shiver inside, feeling the warm, smooth curvature of her breast in my hand, and I can feel her twitch when I brush the sensitive nub again. And I'm struggling to breathe, struggling to think from this sudden onslaught from her. And her hands are roaming over me, tangling in my hair, and her tongue is touching mine, caressing my mouth, my lips and I can't... I can't...
A toilet flushes, Carly jumping and moving off me, our lips breaking with a soft sound. And she pauses, struggling with something, and then she's going to her room, and I can feel her look back at me, hesitate as I say, "Carly?" in that soft, broken voice she creates in me. But she goes, without a word, and there's no one to answer when I whisper, "Why are you doing this to me?" and I feel the hurt start, throwing it's little barbed hooks into my heart. She can't... she can't do this to me. Why? Why would she- and I can still feel her, still taste her on me. So I stop thinking. I stop myself by focussing on her, how she felt, how her lips felt on mine. And I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but I don't want to have to think about the consequences right now. And there will be consequences, I know. But I want this one moment, this one moment where I can just live in physical sensation, and not have to think. And it's nice.
A/N: This story is never going to be happy... it's just not right. But it will be plenty more angsty, and it will get uh... more sexual. Soon. But let me know how I did, leave me a review. Did I tug your heartstrings? Or did I just piss you off? In a good way or a bad way? Let me know, this story makes me vulnerable. 'Cause it's hard.
