Title: Conversations From Q Branch
Parings: James Bond & Q; James Bond/Q (ranging in time from pre-relationship to relationship).
Disclaimer: I own no rights. I make no profit.
Chapter 8 - I Always Knew That It Would Come Back to Haunt Me
Despite what you may have heard from others in the agency I'm just a normal bloke. Sure I can make numbers dance in a spreadsheet and produce a justification statement for almost any catastrophe you can think of but so can most of us accounting types. No as far as I'm concerned my only extraordinary talent is an ability to connect bits of extraneous data from disparate sources and use it to predict events. An American economist has even coined a term for it, Freakonomics. It isn't always correct but it makes me relatively successful in the office pools.
The latest pool, for example, I didn't even bother to participate. We'd been hearing rumors of an administrative reorganization for at least a month. Given the nature of the rumors, who was spreading them, the toner consumption the 5th floor copier and the entrees served in the cafeteria it was absolutely clear to me when the announcement, if any, would occur. Thus I was not at all surprised when all the administrative types were herded into the large meeting hall to find not only our respective department heads but also Ms. Moneypenny and M himself waiting for us.
The reorganization was nowhere near as extensive as the rumors had hinted. It was simply an attempt to expedite communication by imbedding various members of the administrative services into certain of the operational departments. The poor sods who were selected would have the unenviable task of explaining the administrative realities of government to those who were charged with the more active tasks of the intelligence service. Of course the fact that the heads of said operational departments, with the exception of Medical, were not present was not lost on any of us in the room. The initial idea had most likely been much more extensive and had flown like a lead balloon. Personally I suspect a generous application of blackmail on the part of the executive branch to get even this limited experiment off the ground.
When we were dismissed I discovered that Jean, my boss, was walking beside me on the way back to our digs in Accounting. "Fred," she said as we walked in the door, "I need to talk to you."
I followed her into her office where she closed the door. This was not good. It looked like I was going to be one of the damned souls that were going to be assigned out. Given the fact that I had been dealing with procurements for Medical lately I suspected that I'd soon be somewhere down on the 3rd floor in a hastily converted supply cupboard that smelled of industrial disinfectant. Her next words disabused me of that notion.
"I really hate to do this to you Fred," she sighed, "but you are going to be assigned to Q branch."
"What! Why? Wouldn't Peter be better? He's been dealing with their numbers for ages."
She gave me a look. "When we were hashing this out you were recommended by both 006 and Moneypenny for the task. Then Q himself requested you and that sealed it."
I was thinking fast at that point why would a 00 and Moneypenny both…Oh. It was the 00Q pool that I'd won a few months ago. I always knew that it would come back to haunt me.
Even though the change wasn't due to take effect until the next week the fact that Q had personally suggested that I was acceptable drove me down into the tunnels several hours later to do some reconnaissance of my own. I arrived just in time to observe the end of what seemed to be an epic rant by Q to a slightly singed 007 about the proper use of expensive high tech equipment.
"But Q," Bond protested "What does the cost of a phone have to do with the price of eggs in China when what I happen to need is something to jam a door to avoid being perforated by overzealous security personnel wielding machine guns?"
With an opening like that I found I just couldn't resist. "Actually 007 the price of eggs in China is highly variable and dependent upon a variety of factors including but not limited to toilet paper imports by certain high level party officials which could prove very useful information if you needed an appropriate bribe."
The most dangerous of the 00's had turned as I spoke and was now glaring at me. I ignored it and continued. "It might also be useful to understand that there's been an executive order from Whitehall regarding domestic sourcing for certain telecommunications equipment the net result of which might be that the next mobile provided by Q-Branch will prove to be entirely inadequate as a doorstop!"
Bond looked over at Q who nodded in agreement with my last statement. This caused 007 to sigh in exasperation, turn on his heel and stalk out of the branch without saying another word. Q for his part masterfully maintained a straight face until Bond had cleared the doorway before breaking out a smile.
"Welcome to Q-Branch Fred." Q said as if nothing momentous had just occurred. "Let's get you set up and I think your first assignment will be to find the loopholes in that new directive."
I really should learn to keep my head down, my mouth shut and refrain from participating in the office betting pools.
Author's Note: I was having trouble with this prompt until Fred walked in and handed my Muse a spreadsheet showing why it would be inefficient to assign him to Q-Branch.
