7. Foreshadowing? Pschhht… Not At All!

Bella's inner monologue: This chapter is slightly pointless, so I'm just gonna sum it up. I have dreams about Jacob turning into a wolf… which is NOT foreshadowing anything in the future. It's just pretty damn random. Looked up vampires… ya, Edward kinda fits the bill on that one, although the whole article about vampires wanting to spread their mutant semen into women creating a baby that will break the woman's spine while in labor while simultaneously chewing through the uterus was a little far fetched. I cook Charlie dinner, and Jessica -

Jessica's inner monologue: Fucking cunt whore slut, gah Angela's a bitch for wanting her to come. She's the mold to my gouda cheese.

Bella's inner monologue: *trying to ignore Jessica's inner outburst* Jessica invited me to go dress shopping… oh joy. Technically, according to the author, I only want to go to Port Angeles to get an obscure book on Quileute legends about vampires, even though I've looked up quite a bit about vampires on the internet already. Guess this is the ominous Deux ex Machina. Nice placement, Steph.

Stephenie: Good lord, that was nearly TWELVE pages! Twelve pages, Bella! What gives?

Bella: I'm sorry that you coated your novel with flowery prose that could be cut to better the novel. Sorry for caring about the sanity of the readers.

Stephenie: Mmmm… we'll have to see about this.

Bella: *Shrieks as Stephenie's evil monkey picks a bagel apart in front of her eyes* Noooooo! Not another bagel!