Walking away was the hardest thing they would ever have to do.
They'd spent two days with Leo and then decided, together that it was time to say goodbye to their precious little boy. Kim had sought refuge in Adam's arms again when Leo was taken from them yesterday evening. They had invited their family to meet Leo that afternoon and it hurt to see them loving their son but it was also comforting to feel like they weren't alone in their grief.
"Can I hold him?" Bob Ruzek had asked. The first thing he did was hug his son when Adam went out to meet him at the entrance to the ward. It was an emotional few minutes between a heartbroken father and his devastated son; he never wanted to see his son suffer like this. As Adam led him into the room he sought out Kim first and embraced her before turning to see his grandchild for the first and last time.
"You can."
Kim sat on Adam's lap, she craved his arms, she needed to be close to him at the moment and they watched Leo's grandfather gently lift him from his cot. Adam had warned him before he came in that he was cold and that was good for him, it was just a shock and went against all you instincts. He cradled him gently in his arms. "He's so beautiful. He looks like Adam did."
"I think so too." Kim smiled sadly, wiping away the seemingly never-ending tears.
Adam's mother came in next and they hated that they also had to space out their visitors so that Leo could be returned to his cooling cot to maintain his temperature, it would have been better for them to get it over and done with because it was heartbreaking to go through the same thing each and every time. Even Adam and Kim had to limit the time they spent cuddling him and Kim wasn't allowed to sleep with him at all which was a bitter blow when she asked. Just once she wanted to fall asleep with her hand on her baby and wake up to find him still there.
"Can you take me home tomorrow?" Kim asked Adam quietly, she couldn't keep doing this. She had to let him go once and for all and she needed to do it before he started to not look like her sweet baby anymore. The changes had been subtle but they both noticed them. It was time to let him rest.
Adam held her face and ran his thumbs over her cheeks. He hated how tired she looked as he leant in close and kissed her softly. "I will take you home." Not that they wanted to walk back into that house with empty arms but they couldn't stay here. The longer they waited the harder it was becoming. They knew walking away from Leo was going to be hard and it was not going to be any easier to go back to their home, where his nursery was still waiting for him.
Perhaps, back when they made that decision to leave the nursery as it is for now they had that faint glimmer of hope that somehow the Doctor had got things wrong. They were both secretly praying for the miracle that they knew was never going to happen.
The next morning Adam took all their bags down to his car, he had barely left her side for the past two days but they wanted to say goodbye, put him down to sleep for the last time and go. They bathed him together and Kim dressed him in a soft white onesie and handed him to Adam. The way he cradled his son so tenderly broke her heart. His hands were almost as big as he was and he ran his fingers lightly over his face trying to absorb him for the last time, over the past few days he'd spent a lot of time trying to remember every single little detail of that perfect little boy. Initially Adam didn't want to have a photo taken with him but had relented when he saw how much it meant to Kim. One day he might be grateful to have that photo, but right now he didn't want to look at it.
It was a stunning photo, heartbreaking and a perfect reflection of the pure love a father had for his son. They were lying on the bed together; Adam was staring down at him and kissing his fingers. The look in Adam's eyes took Kim's breath away, he looked in love and he looked heartbroken. Love and pain mixed together and captured forever in black and white.
Pressing his lips to his cold forehead, that warmth they felt when he was born was just a memory now as he whispered his goodbyes and handed Leo back to his mother. He didn't want to watch her say goodbye but couldn't look away either.
"My beautiful Leo, we are going to love you forever. We wanted to take you home and love you and watch you grow but we can't so this is all we get. My sweet, sweet baby, you'll always be perfect. You'll never be sick or hurt or have your spirit crushed, you'll never cry or have your heart broken. You get the perfect life." She kissed his cold skin, her tears splashing down over his silent little face before putting him back in his cot, tucking a blanket over him and making sure he had a photo of them with him.
Kim reached for Adam's hand and they turned and walked away from their sweet baby Leo for the last time.
Adam carried her inside the house as her knees gave way and he had no idea how she was ever going to recover from this, easing her out of his arms and onto the couch they sat wrapped in their own little bubble until Kim fell asleep. She wasn't sleeping much, just short catnaps until they sedated her at night. Last night she refused anything and was restless all night so he was happy to let her sleep now and Adam was also more than happy just to sit with her. Pulling the rug off the back of the couch he tucked it around his wife as he eased her down so that she had her head in his lap. Once she was settled he leant his head back and closed his eyes and tried not to think.
When he felt Kim stirring he dragged his eyes open and looked down to find her staring back up at him. "You look weary."
"I'm okay. Are you hungry? I can get you something to eat." He looked at the clock and it was almost 2pm and neither of them had eaten since breakfast.
"Yeah, maybe. You know what I feel like?" He would get her anything she wanted. "A coffee, one of your coffees."
Adam always made them a coffee in the mornings from his coffee machine. Grinding his own beans Kim could always tell when Adam was up by the smell that filled the house but she hadn't had one since they found out she was pregnant. It had been a struggle even though early on the smell of it made her nauseous when the morning sickness was at its worst. "That coffee in the hospital left a lot to be desired." He'd had more than a few cups of it but Kim baulked at it. "I'll make you a coffee. Anything else?"
"Surprise me."
They were both a little overwhelmed to find that they had a fully stocked fridge and freezer of food and meals. Someone had been busy and it was appreciated. Now that they looked around there house was spotless, all the washing was done, the beds stripped and remade, the bathroom gleamed, the lawns were mowed and they literally didn't have to do or touch anything and their dining room was overflowing with flowers but they weren't ready to read all the messages on the cards just yet. Tomorrow was soon enough.
Kim asked to take the coffee out and sit on the back deck. She'd hadn't seen daylight in days and it was a beautiful warm sunny day with not a single cloud in the sky and the thought of getting some sun on her face was appealing. She sipped the coffee slowly, taking a while to adjust to the taste again. "You know what I'd like to do?"
Adam rolled his head to the side so he was looking at her and waited to hear what she had to say.
"I'd like to have a party here. In a couple of weeks, you know not a party but a memorial service here for Leo, but I want to call it a party. Memorial Service sounds depressing."
"I think that would be nice."
"You wouldn't mind?"
"Not at all." Adam had been adamant that the actual funeral service for Leo would be small and personal. He didn't want people he barely knew or saw sharing what was going to be a very painful personal experience. His parents, Nicole and Zoe and their family from work were the only ones who had been informed of the details of Leo's funeral. It had upset Kim a little when she thought that he didn't want to acknowledge Leo and keep him and their pain hidden but that wasn't the reason at all. He just struggled with dealing with other people's grief, his was a heavy enough but those few select people would always help him carry it without question.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, Kim I am sure."
They had also decided that their house was not going to be a shrine to Leo. They had photos of him, his handprints and footprints and a small piece of his dark hair but there was no plan to have them on display. It's not that they were ever going to forget him but right now it was just too painful.
They had been offered a variety of things to memorialise Leo and they found some of them downright creepy, they didn't want a cast of his hands or feet and Adam was horrified when they were offered a cast of his face. His sweet little face, there was no way he was letting anyone put anything over his face. They were very particular about the photo's that were taken and once they were done that was it. Leo was in their heart, forever and they did not need jewellery, castings or videos of them bathing or loving Leo to remember him. The photos showed their pain but never their son's. There was only one photo of his sweet sleeping face taken not long after he was born with both his parent's hands on his back and he looked peaceful.
That was all they needed.
