Here we are, once again, at Chapter 8 of Playing Leapfrog With The Shark. I do not own Phineas and Ferb, or… um… I don't think there are any crazy half-crossovers this time around. Hm. Let's just leave it at I don't own Phineas and Ferb for right now.
(Ahem.)
On with the show!
'Everything you know is wrong,
Left is right, up is down and short is long…'
ADOSLESCENT EVIL GENIUS ARRESTED AFTER ATTEMTPING TO DESTROY THE SUN.
Albert Du Bois stared at the headline of the Fireside Girls Gazette in disgust.
"Destroy the world?" he muttered. "That's just flat out ridiculous. Where would you live afterwards?"
Albert tossed the Gazette aside and marched over to his bedroom window to stare dramatically outside. "Leave my newbie brother to go for destroying the world in answer to my bet…"
Albert's train of thought was stopped for a moment as a troop of ugly midgets walked down the sidewalk in front of his house. They looked something like the Japanese toys that would occasionally show up at the Danville Convention Center, Bangaroos or something. But these Bangoroos were ugly. Tentacles, mandibles, tusks and compound eyes abounded in the group, and their collective coloration reminded Albert of a gutted fish.
The group was led by a slimy green creature with horns, mismatched eyes, and… a nose ring. Despite its diminutive size, the creature could yell something fierce, and Albert could hear every word it said as it berated what appeared to be its underlings.
"How could you have let the Princess get away?" screeched the lead Bangaru. "This is the latest in a long line of defeats! I am beginning to wonder if I should simply eliminate you all and move on to a more competent group!"
The crowd of Bango-roos began to wail and plead at this, promising better results if they were just given one more chance. Their leader scoffed in disgust and began to say something else, but the group had moved away from Albert's window, and he could no longer hear them.
Albert stared after the group for a minute, wondering what had just happened. But, oh well, it was no stranger than the Peruvian llama in the back yard wearing pajamas. Or the fact that his toothbrush had sprouted legs and announced it was going on an 'Incredible Journey' with the carpet.
Albert then remembered why exactly he had moved in front of the window. "I'm just going to have to show Irving how these things are done…"
Albert moved over to his desk, opened a door, and removed a manilla folder marked Doomsday. He opened the folder and looked over his notes on how one might destroy, or more logically, conquer the world.
There. Plan 32, concept C would work perfectly. Now all Albert had to do was get in contact with the right people…
Dr. Killbot, resident Brain-In-A-Jar and killer robot of LOVEMUFFIN, was surfing the web. He wasn't looking for anything in particular, just putzing, and the 'Dramatic Chipmunk' videos were serving to alleviate his boredom well enough.
Then the phone rang.
Dr. Killbot picked up the phone, "Si?"
"Hello, this is Albert Du Bois. Could I speak to the man in charge of LOVEMUFFIN?"
"Donde es el queso de mi padre?" asked Dr. Killbot.
"What?"
"Donde es el queso de mi padre?"
Albert paused. "Could you just let me speak to whoever is in charge?"
Dr. Killbot would have sighed in exasperation had he been physically capable of it, and pressed a button on the phone. Albert's call was immediately transferred to the 'sort-of' leader of LOVEMUFFIN: Aloyse Everheart Elizabeth Otto Wolfgang Hypatia Gunther Galen Gary Cooper von Roddenstein.
Aloyse Everheart Elizabeth Otto Wolfgang Hypatipa- Blech! Whatever, Rodney- picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"Hello," said Albert. "This is Albert Du Bois speaking. And I've got an offer for you that you just won't be able to refuse…"
"What do you mean we can't use you for writing anymore?" said Phineas.
He was looking at a pair of pencils. Pencils that he had been writing schematics with until just a moment ago.
"Well, I," said the larger pencil, "Am PENCIL-HEAD!"
The smaller pencil piped up. "And I am SON OF PENCIL-HEAD!"
"Together we erase crime!" said the first pencil.
Phineas rubbed his temples. "Fine. I guess I'll have to find something else to write with, then."
Stacy Hirano sat on her living room couch, watching TV. Ginger, still a Patchkin, walked into the room.
"Stacy?" asked Ginger. "I'm getting bored. Could we go fight crime?"
Stacy sighed. "Sorry, Ginger. I'd just like a little time to relax. In the past three hours, we've busted two supervillains, six different mafia group operations, and stopped no less than four doomsday schemes. I'm tired."
"Oh, okay." Said Ginger, "What are you watching?"
"A rerun of Stumbleberry Finkbat and the Lost Shadow of Darkling Tower."
"Cool." Ginger sat down on the couch next to her big sister.
Just then, Dr. Hirano walked into the room. "Hey, girls!" she said.
"Hey, mom," Stacy and Ginger chorused.
Dr. Hirano stopped and looked closer at her daughters. Ginger had light blue skin and was wearing an orange dress styled after flower petals. And clogs. She was currently a Patchkin, after all.
"Huh," Dr. Hirano shrugged and walked into the next room.
Stacy and Ginger didn't even notice.
They did notice, however, when the TV screen buzzed with static and switched to a view of Albert Du Bois, standing in front of Danville City Hall.
"Greetings, mundanes of Danville!" he said. "This is Albert Du Bois, your new Supreme Overlord!"
Albert was suddenly jostled out of the way by a bald, red-faced man in a white military dress jacket. "I thought this was a joint operation!" he snarled.
Albert pushed the new character off of the screen, "Don't mess this up now, Von Roddenstein; we're on camera! We can discuss the intricacies of ruling the world later!"
Albert turned back to the camera. "Anyhow, I expect a formal surrender from all of the city officials within one hour, or else I shall lay waste to the city with the help of these guys."
The camera turned to face a very large group of very large monsters. Size, coloration and appearance in general varied greatly. Some monsters were no bigger than a fist, while others capped at two stories. There were fangs, claws, pincers, wings, tails, spiked tails, spikes, and every variation thereof imaginable. And the monsters were all armed with laser cannons.
The camera turned back to Albert. "These are the Ten Thousand Monsters, all equipped with lovely lasers thanks to my friends at LOVEMUFFIN and totally subservient to my will. Any dissenters will be turned inside out, immolated, and eaten. Thank you, and have a lovely day."
Albert's face dissolved into static, and the TV screen returned to Stumbleberry Finkbat.
"Well," said Stacy, "I guess megalomania runs in the family."
The sisters sat there for a moment.
"Shouldn't we do something?" asked Ginger.
"Yep," said Stacy.
She punched a secret code into the TV remote, and the floor beneath the couch slid out of place. The couch was lowered on a series of piston arms into the Outsider's secret lair.
As soon as the couch touched down, Ginger was off and running to grab her suit off of the wall. Stacy stared bemusedly after her little sister before getting up off the couch and following. The piston arms returned the couch to its place in the living room.
Stacy and Ginger donned their guises as the Outsider and Shrike and prepped the Gatecrasher, the Outsider's signature vehicle.
"Hello?"
Stacy and Ginger started and looked around the secret lair.
Stacy pressed a button on her helmet, activating her voice modulator. "Who's there?"
A figure dropped from the ceiling and landed in a three-point crouch. Stacy and Ginger assumed fighting stances, but as the figure stood, the light revealed it to be Monty Monogram.
"Who are you?" asked Stacy.
"Monty Monogram."
"What are you here for?"
"To help you take down Albert and his army."
There was a snicker from Ginger. When Stacy looked at her, Ginger said, "What? It sounds funny when he says it like that."
Monty shrugged. "I guess it does."
Stacy turned back to Monty. "Back to the point. How did you find us?"
"Well, my dad runs a group that works out of secret underground lairs like this one. It wasn't too hard to find. There's only a few houses in the city with the property size to house a secret lair, but no registered lair."
"Huh."
There was an awkward silence.
"So, can I come help you take down Albert?"
"Sure, why not?"
The Gatecrasher was quite a vehicle. Imagine one of those absolutely massive pickup trucks that somehow gets away with being called a Dodge crossed over with a tank. And then condensed down to the size of a minivan, yet still somehow keeping an engine strong enough to power construction equipment. That was, in essence, the Gatecrasher.
It also had a ram and a killer sound system.
Now the unstoppable machine was roaring down the city streets of Danville, brushing past traffic and often riding up the sidewalk in order to reach City Hall as fast as possible. Fortunately, the streets were relatively clear and Stacy had an easy time at maneuvering.
"So what's our plan of attack?" asked Monty. He and Ginger sat in the back of the Gatecrasher, strapped into a pair of crash couches.
"Simple," said Ginger. "We bust into city hall, beat up all of the monsters, beat up Albert, and turn them all over to the police."
"I don't think that's going to work," said Monty.
"Why not?"
"Well, for one thing, there are ten thousand monsters to beat up. Speaking of which, I have no idea where this Albert guy got them. The monsters are literally from one of my dad's storybooks." Monty whipped out a book called Excaliferb in example.
"We'll have to work on how Albert found the monsters later," said Stacy.
"Right now, we can fixate on beating them up!" crowed Ginger.
"And don't these ten thousand monsters all have laser weaponry?" Monty asked.
"Good point," said Ginger.
"So what do you suggest we do about that?"
"…Beat them up. Is there something we're missing here?"
Monty stared at Ginger for a moment. These two were seriously going to charge into battle against an army of monsters armed with lasers without any planning at all? Then the Gatecrasher jolted.
"What was that?" asked Monty.
"Just monsters shooting at us with laser cannons," said Stacy from the drivers seat.
"What?!"
Down the street, a contingent of giant monsters stood in front of the City Hall. They had seen the Gatecrasher and opened fire on it with laser cannons big enough to melt tanks.
In response, Stacy shifted a gear on the Gatecrasher and floored the gas. The car (if it could be called that) accelerated with a roar.
Ginger sat back in her seat with a crazy grin. Monty, however, pressed himself against the back of his seat as if that would somehow make everything go away.
Stacy sat calmly at in the cockpit of the Gatecrasher, dodging and weaving around lasers. Then she pressed a series of buttons along the dashboard and pumped a lever marked in red.
The Gatecrasher suddenly lowered on its suspension and slammed up like a jackhammer. Put simply, the car jumped into the air. And collided ram first with one of the gigantic monsters patrolling the street.
The monster went to Happy Dreamland before he hit the ground.
The Gatecrasher began to spin end over end from the force of the blow.
Stacy pressed another series of buttons, and she, Ginger and Monty were all ejected from the Gatecrasher before it could hit the ground. In midair, their chairs folded up into themselves and released parachutes.
As the trio guided their parachutes down the street and further towards City Hall, the Gatecrasher slid down the street on its roof, tripping up monsters and generally sowing confusion.
"Listen up!" called Stacy. "The mad scientists will have set up in City Hall! That's what they always do… All that we need to do is coast down the street until we hit the dome. They haven't fixed the roof since the last evil scheme knocked part out, so we should be able to get in easily."
"I retract my complaint about strategy," said Monty.
A pigeon flapped past the trio, trilling. Everyone's attention was drawn to the bird when it was hit with a 10 gigawatt laser. They stared in morbid fascination as the featherless, scorched bird plummeted to the ground with a bewildered, "Coo?"
"Incoming fire!" called Ginger. The monsters on the street had finally put a stop to the rogue Gatecrasher, and were shooting at them.
"We won't be able to avoid their fire for long!" said Stacy. "We need a distraction!"
Ginger grinned. "Did somebody say 'fighting giant monsters'?"
"Well, no-"
"Say no more!" with that, Ginger pulled a cord on her parachute. The straps holding her to the parachute released, and Ginger plummeted to the street, yelling, "LEROY JENKINS!"
Grok was a simple troll. He liked breaking things, eating things, and naps. Not necessarily in that order. So, when the humans had given him a giant laser cannon, showed him how it worked, and told him to shoot anything that approached, he was quite happy.
He was busy taking potshots at some strange, floating blankets when something landed on his head. Grok did not like things landing on his head. It often turned out to be something unpleasant.
Suddenly, a human leaned down into Grok's range of vision and looked him in the eye. The human seemed to be upside down from Grok's point of view, as it was standing on his forehead. It seemed young, and was wearing white and grey body armor.
"Hello!" said the human.
"Uh…" said Grok.
Then the human punched Grok between the eyes. Grok would wonder later, as he dealt with a massive headache, how exactly someone so little could hit so hard.
Monty stared down at the street. "I retract my complaint about the impossibility of fighting the Ten Thousand Monsters all at one time."
Ginger's manic cackle echoed up from the street below.
"Is she always like that?" asked Monty.
Stacy looked down at the street. In a word, stuff was on fire. "…No."
"Oh, heads up!" said Monty. "We're closing in on the dome."
As the two floated over the dome of Danville City Hall, they released their parachutes and dropped onto the building. Stacy was right; the hole in the roof of the dome had merely been covered with a tarpaulin as a defense against the elements.
Monty pulled aside the tarpaulin and the two dropped into the building.
"Perfect timing!" said Albert as he pressed a button on a remote control.
A hole opened up in the floor beneath Monty and Stacy, and they fell in. They rose out of the floor again in the middle of a large iron cage.
"Welcome, dullards," chortled Albert. "Come to stop the beginning of the new age, have you?"
The cage stood at the center of the renovated Danville City Hall. Actually, not really renovated; just filled with evil scientists and laser-toting monsters instead of politicians and secretaries.
"What new age, fiend?" said Stacy.
"Why, the Age of Albert, of course!" laughed Albert.
"Hey!" yelled somebody from across the room.
"I know, Doctor Bludpudding! We're still discussing it!" Albert yelled back.
"Then stop acting as if you're in charge!" came the retort.
"Stop acting as if you're in charge," Albert said in a nasal, mocking voice, and turned back to Stacy and Monty. "Where were we?"
"Um, where did you get the monsters?" asked Monty. "Because I'm pretty sure that they're characters from one of my fathers' storybooks."
"That doesn't matter," said Albert.
"What- doesn't matter?" sputtered Monty. "Of course it does! You can't just pull a bunch of monsters out of thin air and expect people to accept that!"
"Yes you can."
Monty glared at Albert. "There's just not talking to you, is there?"
"I've got a little brother. I've got plenty of practice ignoring all reason," scoffed Albert.
Then the huge, ornate main doors of Danville City Hall were blasted open by an unconscious Cyclopes. It slid on its back through the hall, knocking over scientists and several smaller monsters. Everyone turned to look through the doors.
It was Ginger. She looked around the room, noting the bewildered stares. "What? It's not like anybody would have opened the doors if I knocked."
"Get her!" yelled Albert; and the monsters charged towards Ginger, howling and swinging laser cannons.
Ginger met their charge head on, cackling madly.
Albert huffed in anger and turned back to Monty and Stacy. "Don't think this changes anything, do-gooders! I'll still conquer the world and prove to my idiot brother how to do things!"
Then a harpy flew out of the crowd of fighting monsters and connected with the back of Albert's head. The impact knocked him up against the front of the cage, and quick as a snake, Stacy reached out and grabbed Albert by the collar.
"Someone as egotistical as you wouldn't entrust anything to anybody," she said, rifling through his pockets. "There!"
Stacy removed a remote control with a single button on it from Albert's pocket and pressed the button. A door on the opposite side of the cage opened.
"Thanks, Albert," Stacy released him and ran out the cage door to join in the fight. Monty moved to follow her, but stopped. Where was that glow coming from?
He pulled out his dad's copy of Excaliferb. It was glowing. IT WAS GLOWING.
"Monty Monogram…" said a voice from within the book. "Draw your sword…"
Monty dropped the book.
"There's no time for your squeamishness, Monty Monogram!" chided the voice. "If you wish to save this realm and the realm within this book, you must draw your sword!"
"Uh… what sword?" Monty managed to say.
"Oh, sorry. Just one moment." Said the voice. Then the book flipped open, and the ornate black hilt of a sword emerged from the pages. "Now, Monty Monogram! Draw the sword! Save the realms! Claim your destiny!"
Monty stared at the book.
"Monty Monogram?" said the voice.
Monty stared at the book.
"You alright, kid?"
Monty stared at the book.
"Look, kid. Just draw the sword. Nothing bad is going to happen. Your world is not going to end because a book is talking to you."
Monty stared at the book.
"WOULD YOU JUST DRAW THE SWORD ALREADY?!"
Monty flinched and finally grabbed the sword hilt. It immediately lit up from within, glowing with a faint green light. He drew the sword out of the book, revealing that its blade was made of transparent crystal, also glowing green.
Monty lifted the sword and pointed it in the air in a haplessly dramatic pose.
"That's it, kid." Said the voice.
Immediately the monsters stopped fighting.
"He holds the sword Emerald-Force!" one of them said.
"Alrighty. Aand, cue magic portal," said the voice. Dozens of strips of paper shot out of the Excaliferb book, forming into the outline of a gigantic oval. Electricity sparked along the oval, and suddenly, an image of green, rolling fields and the ruins of a castle appeared at its center.
The monsters gasped.
"Home…" some of them muttered.
"All you need to do is lead the way, Monty Monogram," said the magic voice.
Monty stepped through the portal, still holding the sword Emerald-Force high. The monsters immediately followed. Albert's cage barely even slowed them.
"Wait- stop!" wailed Albert. "I need you to conquer the world!" The monsters payed him no mind at all. In fact, the storm of monsters grew even thicker as the word spread to the monsters outside.
Stacy stepped up behind Albert and knocked him unconscious with a blow to the back of the head. "Off to prison with you, Mr. Du Bois."
It took several minutes for all Ten Thousand monsters to find their way to the portal and enter it. Several evil scientists made to sneak off, but were stopped by Ginger and Stacy.
Finally, the last of the monsters entered the portal.
"And my work here is done," said the magic voice. "Carl, the Red Headed Paladin of Internius, is out."
The portal closed, and the paper making it up retracted into the Excalifer book with a snap. The book closed, leaving itself, a large group of evil scientists, and two superheroes alone in a trashed Danville City Hall.
"Aw," said Ginger. "There are no more monsters to beat up…"
"Don't worry, Ginger. You can take it out on all of the evil scientists who are trying to escape now," said Stacy.
"WOOHOO!" Ginger charged out the main doors after the panicking evil scientists. "Get back here, you!"
Stacy stared after her. Since when had Ginger become so… crazy? And where had Monty gone?
Monty Monogram stared out at the vast horde that was the Ten Thousand Monsters. They were all watching him. What exactly was he supposed to do now? And why was he holding this weird glowing sword?
"Welcome, Monty Monogram," said a voice from behind him. Monty turned to see a knight in silver armor, and two boys in brown tunics.
"Who are you?" asked Monty. "Where are we? Why am I holding this sword? What is the average rainfall of the Amazon Ba-"
"Patience, Monty Monogram," said the knight. Despite his long red hair, the man looked very familiar… "I am Carl, Paladin of Internius. And these are Phineas and Ferb-a-lot, novice wizards."
"I…" Monty said.
Carl said, "You, Monty Monogram, are true wielder of one of the Seven Swords, the Emerald-Force. And we need your help."
Phineas stared at his worktable in exasperation. The pencils were superheroes, the pens supervillains, the paper had been stolen by a giant paper-mache monster. What else could go wrong?
The arguably existent zebra chuckled.
Whew. Thanks to writer's block, and poor planning from stage one, this chapter took a pretty long time to write. But it is done! MWAHAHAHA!
Excuse me.
To my returning readers, buck up! We will now be entering some of the craziest plot-lines to date. And worry not; Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz will be appearing soon.
Please be sure to favorite, comment, and recommend this fanfic on TV Tropes!
-The Dark Lord Duroth
