A/N- A huge Gracias to everybody who reviewed last chapter, and I know some of you are getting a little annoyed that I haven't updated Playing for Keeps, but to be honest, I don't know where to take it right now. So I'm waiting until I have a decent idea, and then I'll update :)
Hope you enjoy this chapter-I'm thinking there might only be two more (but I'm not entirely sure yet) xxx
A Public Affair
Chapter 8: Ashes
Lucas Scott knew that lying there with her, Brooke Penelope Davis, (a middle name he'd always found amusing, partly because it almost beat his for sheer embarrassment) shouldn't feel as good as it did.
He wanted to show guilt and remorse and utter disgust with himself for what he had subjected to Haley, but he just couldn't. He'd willed perhaps a few tears of compassion for the wife he never wanted to hurt, but they'd never materialised. Instead, his lips seemed to do anything to defy him, curling into the smallest of content smiles as Brooke's fingers twitched and her eyes fluttered almost open enough for him to see that glint of green mixed in with the brown.
And she was smiling too, a happy, only half-awake smile of utter comfort that Lucas couldn't have imagined better if he'd have tried. Their unborn baby still lay in doubt, just as Brooke silently did, about it's own future in the world that may not except it, a product of such unfortunate (on someone else's part) circumstances and mixed feelings that weren't able to gather themselves long enough for her to figure out what to do.
So right now, this very morning, where the weather was the total opposite as it had been the previous few weeks, Brooke could only focus on the now. And the now, was Lucas, hot body pressed up against hers as she fought for unused air below him.
"Morning." It was all he could mumble without his hands wandering to her stomach, that was flat and toned and everything she'd worked too hard in the gym for. She tried not to flinch, to not let thoughts of leaflets and conscience consume her as his fingers grazed the large amount of exposed skin. And it didn't work, and she had to shut her eyes tightly again just as Lucas sensed whatever it was that she was feeling.
"Please Brooke." He hated to have to ask her to keep the child that they'd made together (in one of their marital beds no doubt) and yet, it seemed the only thing right now that would convince her of anything.
"Lucas…"
She couldn't finish. She didn't want to finish. She had no idea what would leave her mouth and until the decision that she didn't want to make was, in fact, made, there would never be an answer to what would become his persistent begging.
----
Nothing was how she wanted it. Not the crib, not the stroller that was laid in pieces on the soft carpeted floor of the living room she once shared with the husband that had betrayed her in the worst way possible. But today was the first one in too many that Haley actually felt confident. And the small bump that had formed underneath the sweatpants she was wearing was proof enough.
It was the doorbell ringing that prevented Haley from reaching step 3 on the set of instructions she had received upon purchasing the changing table amid stares and flashes of photographers cameras, knowing all the while that this shopping trip would be splashed across the front pages of every gossip magazine in America.
He was the person she least expected to see, and was the most happy to find standing on her doorstep, hands dug into expensive jeans pockets as he kept his head down, almost waiting for any paparazzi that might come along and find him there.
"Nathan, come in."
He said nothing but offered her a small smile, the first he'd been able to give for the past few weeks that he'd had to endure seeing his wife with his brother, hand in hand or kissing softly. And all of these images had been seen by the rest of America too. Nothing was private now, not the feelings he had towards the two of them, nor the expression he wore whenever he had to leave the home he once shared with Brooke, nor the calls he'd made to his lawyer in order to claim everything that was ever theirs.
"How are you?" She asked, hoping the question would elicit something of a response, and upon receiving nothing but a shrug from the man she had to have sympathy for, Haley made her way to the kitchen to boil the kettle.
"How are you?" Nathan returned, appearing in the doorway with a questioning look, and a nod towards the separate pieces of materials strewn across the floor.
She shrugged but replied, "Okay I guess. Today anyway."
Nathan could only nod and wish that he was okay. He was beginning to wonder whether making Brooke leave was a bad decision, and contemplated telling Haley that every night he went to bed, he wished that Brooke would be occupying the space next to him, even if it was only with her back turned away.
But none of this left his mouth, and so when he took the mug from her small hands, Nathan gave her a grateful smile, and forced a laugh at the state of the living room floor.
----
He was reading the leaflets when Brooke returned to the penthouse apartment they were now renting. Lawyers had been called and both now had representatives, but knowing that their chances of gaining anything other than a car or half the c.d collection were very slim, Lucas and Brooke were focussing instead, on anything else.
"Lucas you have to stop this."
"At twelve weeks it already looks like a tiny person." He told her, ignoring what she had just said, and the way her eyes were watering as he continued to read on regardless.
"I told you, back when I was with Nathan that I didn't want children."
"And neither did I." Lucas told her, putting down the leaflet long enough to watch her hands force strands of shiny brunette hair behind her ears. "But it's different now."
"How?"
"You're already pregnant, and this is our baby Brooke. One you and I made together out of love."
"We made this baby out of an affair."
"I loved you." He half- shouted as Brooke carried on relentless. He knew that none of this was any good for her, or them, right now, but he couldn't let her make this decision alone and without any kind of informed judgement.
"And I loved you." She replied. "I still do. But it doesn't mean I can have this baby."
"Please Brooke." He begged for the second time that day. And it was beginning to become tedious.
----
"Pass me the long piece." Nathan told her, arms twisted as he held all kinds of screws in place while Haley tried to be helpful and do as he asked. It didn't work, and for the first time since this affair had begun, they both let out a real laugh, one that wasn't forced or fake or harsh against the throat.
"I'm making hot chocolate." She told him. "I'll be out of your way."
He didn't want to be doing this, not really. But there was no indication of him being able to build baby furniture in his own house, for a child that was his, (because there was no way that was happening, not now.) and the smile on Haley's face was enough to satisfy him for today. And if this was as good as it got for a while: helping someone else with a heart just as broken as his own, then Nathan was content with that.
He'd wanted to be okay. And as Haley handed him the mug of steaming liquid, he knew that's was things were.
It was hours later, when Nathan had managed to complete the changing table and the crib, freeing up plain carpet that had only been uncovered minutes ago.
"I should go." He told her. "It's getting kinda late."
Haley nodded, understanding that if they drunk any more tea or hot chocolate, things that just weren't meant to be might happen. And that wasn't what she wanted. She wanted a faithful husband and a sister-in-law that she could share everything with. But that hadn't happened and right now, being on her own was enough to suffice.
"Thank you. For everything today, you didn't have to."
"I know." He replied, softly, a smile curving across his lips as he surveyed the completed furniture that took way longer to build than was instructed. "I can do the stroller some time." Nathan offered. "If you want?"
"That would be good." She smiled. "Some time."
The hug he gave her was short and hurried and almost awkward. But Haley wanted nothing more from him, and as she promised more hot chocolate and ginger cookies the next time he came round, he wanted nothing more from her.
Sometimes people use other's happiness to medicate themselves. Sometimes people can never really decide what they want, even if they force themselves to think every decision over and over until nothing means anything any more. Sometimes the company of someone in the same situation as yourself is everything you need, and other times, everything you don't.
It was when she was lying in bed, watching Desperate Housewives (a show that was now nothing more than ironic to her) that Brooke came to her decision. She couldn't explain it and she didn't want to try. But the next year would be proof enough.
