This was a really challenging chapter to write, but I felt like it was really needed to take a step forward in their relationship. I hope it doesn't come across as too sudden or anything and…. Review always welcome. Enjoy.
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CHAPTER 8
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She leaned over the banister, and a foreign tugging at his heart had him realizing he was concerned for her. The bump on her head was a vicious one, already turning black and blue, with a jagged cut running through the middle of it. She seemed a little unstable on her feet, and for the first time he was truly hit by how far up she was.
His glass cage was surrounded by a drop of 30 feet or more, and outwards from that, a gridded metal walkway was the only floor. The little balcony she visited was a dozen feet or so higher, and if she leaned over too far, she could easily fall…
Who had done that to her?
He had no reason to be concerned about her. She was nothing to him. Nothing but the only visitor who came simply to spend time with him.
She never demanded anything from him, she never tried to mold him or make him into whatever image of him she had. She simply looked at him with her too-big blue eyes and that raw emotion that made him feel weaker than all the criticisms he'd ever endured from his father ever had.
His concern was assuaged when she sunk down to the floor, the glass railing allowing him to see her curled against it, still facing him.
"I'm stuck here for the night. They won't let me leave."
She sounded frustrated. All too easily, his anger at the Midgardians, at SHIELD and the Avengers, rose up from inside of him. What reason could they have for keeping her here?
What did it matter to him?
No, it was only another reason for him to hate them. Another point to hold against them.
He didn't bother contemplating the fact that she was one of them.
Fighting to rein in the anger, he tried asking her again in as unemotional a tone as he could muster.
"Why? What happened?"
She shrugged, silent for a moment before she glanced up, worried that he hadn't seen the motion.
"I went after some thieves. My mistake."
"Thieves?"
"It was nothing, just a couple of kids looking for valuables. Except now, everyone's worried that maybe it was more than that. I tried to explain but I don't think they'll listen."
He couldn't blame them. They'd allowed Darcy into their sanctuary, and a threat to her could threaten all of them. The thought of all of SHIELD in a panic, worried and unsettled, felt good, but not at the cost of a threat to her life.
He had no right to be concerned. He was the biggest threat of all.
Yet there was no denying the worry that weighed in his chest. SHIELD might be powerful, but she was weak, vulnerable. An easy target.
Sooner or later, Thanos would find him and whether he wanted it or not, as long as she was nearby she would be caught in the crossfire. And he found he truly did not want that.
She did not deserve to die at the hands of Thanos. She should not pay for his mistakes.
He was so weak.
The worry, the concern, too many emotions to name bubbled up inside of him and he had no idea what to do with them. No idea how to cope with them all. His control was slipping. The rage, the weakness, and the rawness made his muscles shake.
He needed it out. He wanted to cut his concern for her out from his chest, flay his heart open and rip out the caring that was festering there, like a bad infection that needed cutting away.
He threw a fist at the glass, pounding in hot anger. She turned his icy rage up to an inferno.
"Loki?"
She'd jumped when he'd slammed his fist against the glass and was now sitting up, looking at him warily.
"Leave."
His tone was bitter. Her voice was more hesitant when she called his name again. He interrupted her.
"Leave. Now."
"Why?"
Why? For too many reasons to name, reasons he couldn't put to words or share with her because it would prove just how weak he truly was.
"What is wrong? Why are you being like this?"
"Perhaps I am sick of your constant visits. Perhaps I simply need a moment to myself, a moment to think and to not be studied and examined in my cage."
"I don't study you."
"Don't you? Then why do you keep coming? Why do you watch me, ask questions about me?"
"God, are you hearing yourself right now? I'm trying to get to know you! How can you be so paranoid?"
"Look at me!" He threw his fists around his pathetic prison. "Look at where I am! How can I not be? You think I cannot see what you are trying to do? Trying to win me over, trying to bring me to your side so I will help your precious friends!"
"That's not true! I never asked for anything from you!"
And she hadn't. She'd asked after his comfort, tried to find out what he liked, sought to make him comfortable. And she'd shared more with him than he'd shared with her.
"I will not help you. I will not help the Avengers." The words were like a mantra repeating in his head. But who was he trying to convince, her or himself?
"I don't care! That's not what I'm trying to…. ugh. That's not what I meant. I do care. You can do what you like, you can help, or you can choose not to. I can't do anything about that. I can't make you change your mind. But I want to understand why. I want to know you."
"Why?"
"Because I care, okay? Because I care. Even though I really shouldn't."
The words were a shock, a cool balm to the wound he'd exposed in his chest. It deflated his anger and left him with nothing but shame.
She let out a harsh laugh. "God knows why. I think you're right. I should leave."
She pulled herself carefully up off the floor, and suddenly he didn't want her to leave.
He'd made a mistake. He'd pushed her to see her true motives, and while he didn't regret that, he regretted upsetting her. She'd been hurt and tired, and he'd only made things worse.
He was so damn tired of being trapped in his cage.
"I am sorry."
The words were low and quiet, barely a whisper in the spacious room, but he knew she heard them because she stopped mid-step. She glanced down at him carefully, weighing the decision of whether to stay or not.
"I have to be getting back…"
He didn't contradict her or ask her to stay, and she didn't move for a brief moment.
Then she leaned on the railing again, looking down at him with compassion.
"Loki, why are you so determined for everyone to hate you?"
He didn't answer, but then, she didn't look as though she expected him to. She rubbed her forehead, reminding him of her injury and refocusing his anger on the people who had inflicted it.
"I think there's something big you keep forgetting."
"And that is?"
Darcy's expression turned inwards, and for the faintest breath, she didn't look like the young, fragile human she was. She looked wise and far beyond her years.
"I may not know much about you or where you came from, but here is what I do know. You are a criminal. You tried to kill my friends, tried to harm my planet and wipe out an entire city in a place I happen to call home. You tried to kill yourself rather than ask your brother, a man who would give his life for you, for help. And yet somehow, I'm here. I haven't run off screaming. I can't really explain why, but I come here, and I spend time with you, and you haven't managed to scare me away yet. So whatever you're trying to do, however you're trying to push me away, you're going to have to figure out another way to do it."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why haven't you given up yet?"
"Why? Because…" she paused to think, and those precious seconds felt like the longest of his life. "Because I think you're worth more than that."
The words reverberated through him, and he let himself savor them.
"You don't know everything. If you knew the truth, you would not stand so calmly in front of me."
"Try me."
It was difficult to resist the challenge in her eyes. But she was asking him to trust her, trust her with knowledge and secrets he'd never shared with anyone before. Secrets that could put her life in danger.
Darcy took a step back, falling onto the bench behind her, letting her obvious fatigue show.
"You are tired." He needed a change of subject. Something that would calm the violent emotions swirling inside of him, quell the storm.
"I don't want to sleep. Not yet."
She leaned against the back wall, too far away from him, and brought her knees up to her chest, looking so vulnerable. She deserved to be protected. Cherished.
"Loki."
"Yes?"
"Tell me one thing about yourself that no one else knows."
Her smile was indulgent and sleepy all at once, reawakening the tightness in his chest that he'd felt earlier. He could easily deny her, and she was probably expecting that. He wanted to surprise her.
He could have settled with something inane, something safe and harmless that he'd kept secret. He didn't.
Certain he would curse himself for it later, he finally allowed himself to admit to a truth he'd never wanted to really acknowledge.
"I wanted to die so I could watch Thor suffer. Because he has everything that I can never have."
The moment the words left his mouth, he was stunned with the enormity of what he'd just confessed. He told himself that he'd tossed the ugly truth in her face so she would see that he wasn't worth caring for, not truly, and that her feelings were misplaced.
Or perhaps it was a desperate attempt at redemption. Perhaps, if she thought he was worthy, then he could be saved.
Perhaps he was not without all hope.
"Loki…"
She didn't try to comfort him with false platitudes. She didn't run from him either. Instead, she allowed him to see the caring and the sincerity in her eyes, and she lifted a hand to the glass of the railing.
Her eyes never left his as she reached her fingers out, splaying them one by one on the glass as though reaching out to him.
And across the distance, he swore he could almost feel her fingers reaching out and touching him, at the spot on his chest just above his heart.
He wanted to touch her.
He despised physical contact. Thor, Odin and most Asgardians frequently expressed their emotions through physical contact, offering hugs and pats on the back at the drop of a hat, and he'd always resented it. He craved his own space, needed room to think and intentionally kept people at arm's length.
Darcy was different. She was small and human, but beautifully proportioned, her hair falling in dark waves around her face. Her skin looked soft and warm.
He wanted to know what it felt like.
Ignoring the unusual desire, he took a step back.
Darcy broke away too, the intimate moment fading away all too quickly.
"I should be getting back. They're probably already looking for me."
The words reminded her of the upset she'd had earlier today. She'd become so wrapped up in Loki she'd nearly forgotten about the incident altogether.
"I'll come back though. Soon." She tried her best to sound encouraging. It felt as though they'd stepped across an invisible threshold tonight. Something had changed between them, and she wanted to see where it would lead. She didn't want to take a step back.
"I will await your return."
She smiled down at him at his words, a bright, beaming smile that seemed to light up the whole room. Helpless against his reaction to her, he simply let himself savor the satisfaction he felt at eliciting such a reaction. And because he couldn't help himself, just before he heard her pull open the door and step out of the room, he spoke into the silence:
"Good night."
