For the first time since Dean's first days in Heaven, Castiel didn't show up for dinner. Dean didn't eat either. He found a pot roast in the kitchen, but he had no appetite. He knew that Cas was upset up with him, and somehow it didn't feel right to eat without Cas.
But Castiel didn't return that night, and Dean fell into a fitful doze on the couch with an empty stomach somewhere around dawn.
Dean dreamed that he was in a tiny boat on the ocean, being tossed about helplessly as a storm raged around him. He screamed for his Dad and for Sam, and he dimly heard Sam calling back to him. But he couldn't see his brother anywhere. He searched the boat frantically for something to give him control over his vessel, but the storm only raged harder, throwing him violently out of the boat. Instinctively he called out for Cas, sending his fear through the bond as waves crashed over his head.
He got Cas's warm, calm presence back almost at once, and a gentle weight landed on his right arm. "Dean," Cas said aloud, "I am here."
Dean's eyes flew open to reveal Cas above him, one hand covering the mark of their bonding. "Cas," Dean gasped, heart pounding wildly in his chest.
"You were dreaming," Cas surmised. "A nightmare."
Dean nodded, although it hadn't been a question. "Yeah." He sat up slowly, careful not to dislodge the comforting weight of Cas's hand. Cas remained where he had been when Dean awoke, kneeling on the floor next to the couch. A check of the time showed that he'd been sleeping for about four hours, and it was way too early for Cas to be home from the garrison. "What are you doing here?" he asked, smiling shakily.
"You called for me," Cas explained, his pleasure pouring over Dean. "You were frightened, and you called for me."
Dean shrugged, dislodging Cas's hand. "It was just a dream, Cas," he said, forcing himself to sound calm.
Cas's eyes were wide and knowing when he answered, "Of course, Dean."
Dean patted him awkwardly on the shoulder. "But thanks for coming when I called, Cas."
"Always," Cas promised without hesitation, his eyes boring into Dean's own.
Dean stared back as long as he could manage, and Cas's sincerity was as evident in his eyes as it was through the bond. "Thanks," he repeated, looking away at last.
Dean's stomach chose that moment to remind them both that it had been neglected of late.
"You did not eat," Cas said, "again." Amusement sparkled in Cas's eyes.
"Yeah, wasn't hungry," Dean said dismissively, ignoring his stomach for a change. "Cas, about earlier, you have to know I wasn't running, right? I mean, I did run, but I wasn't running away."
"You have no need to run away when you only have to ask and I'll send you home."
Dean smiled. "Alright then," Dean said, relieved that Cas believed him. The thought of Cas doubting him didn't sit right with him.
Cas hesitated, searching Dean's face for something, before replying. "I admit that I was uncertain of your motives when you did not return for dinner," Cas began. "But after Balthazar fully explained about his visit and his news I understand why you were compelled to go look for Gabriel."
Dean bristled at the mention of British Dick, angry that it might have been his word that got Dean off the hook. "Yeah, that's another winner of a friend you've got there, Cas. He just barged in without knocking, insinuating all kinds of things about you and him..." Dean made a hand gesture any thirteen year old boy would recognize. Cas just started at him blankly. "…and stuff," he finished weakly. Dean watched Cas carefully, hoping for a swift denial that there was any sort of relationship.
"Balthazar has been a good friend for a long time," Cas said, "Although he is sometimes trying, he has proven himself useful on this occasion."
It wasn't an outright denial, but Dean decided the use of the words 'friend' and 'trying' were a good sign. "Do you have any friends who aren't dicks?" he asked, smiling to invite Cas into the joke.
"There is you," Cas answered seriously, earning him another smile from Dean. "And Anael. You seemed fond of her." There was something strange in Cas's voice as he said it - almost fragile - and Dean, not as oblivious as he pretended to be, sensed that something deeper was going on in the statement.
"Yeah, well I obviously have good taste," he said, "I'm fond of you."
Cas's smile was beautiful, but Dean almost missed it in the wave of joy that washed over him. "The feeling is mutual, Dean."
"Uh." Dean looked down to hide his grin and rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed. "You said Brit… Balthazar was useful this time? What did he have to say?"
"Balthazar was able to speak with Gabriel while he was here. In fact, I believe Gabriel specifically sought him out."
Cas didn't get a chance to say anything further as Dean dropped off the couch to his knees on the floor facing Cas. "Sam? Did he hear anything about Sam?" he asked, hands shaking Cas's shoulders in his excitement.
Cas removed Dean's hands from his shoulders and held them in his own. "Your brother is safe - alive and well, and apparently not 'taking any of Gabriel's bollocks' according to Balthazar."
Dean tried to laugh, but it came out more like a sob. "That's my Sammy."
Cas rubbed his thumb across Dean's knuckles in slow soothing circles. "Gabriel told him that Sam asks for you everyday, and he has been researching loopholes in his contract." Dean didn't answer, almost numb with happiness and relief. "They struck a deal."
Dean tensed despite the comfort of Cas's hands still cradling his own. "A deal?"
"It is nothing to be worried about," Cas said. He stood up and used his grip on Dean's hands to pull him to his feet as well. "You still haven't eaten. Let me correct that."
Dean followed Cas into the kitchen. Over waffles and bacon Cas explained what Balthazar had relayed to him.
"So, Gabriel just wants him to pick his nightly fuck?" Dean asked, bewildered. "Why would he want that?"
Cas shrugged, a human gesture he must have picked up from Dean, and said, "It must amuse him. But we can take comfort in the fact that Gabriel seems to like him. He may be willing to put aside our differences in order to help you. Balthazar doesn't know how to contact Gabriel directly, but he expects to see him again soon. He has agreed to take a message, and ask Gabriel to meet us. Father willing, you and your brother should be reunited shortly and returned to John Winchester."
The smile that had been building in Dean fell away abruptly. Dad? Dean knew he wanted - needed - to get Sam back, but beyond that? He wasn't sure anymore. The idea of leaving Heaven and getting back to hunting appealed, but trading life with Cas for life with his father did not. Dean shrugged off his sense of unease and refilled his coffee cup.
"Dean?"
Dean suddenly realized that Cas had been calling him for several minutes while he brooded. "Yeah, Cas?"
"Are you alright?" Cas asked, frowning at Dean like he was a complex puzzle.
Dean grinned. "Of course" Cas looked doubtful. "Hey," Dean said too cheerfully, "can we have ribs for dinner tonight. I know this little place in Texas…"
Cas continued to shoot him appraising looks, but let himself be distracted with tales of Dean's life on the road. When he skipped going into the garrison in favor of telling Dean the story of his first flight Dean didn't mention it, but he left the bond open so Cas would know he appreciated it.
Sometime in the early evening, Dean's lack of sleep caught up with him full force. His yawn interrupted Cas's third attempt at explaining some joke Uriel had taught him. "Sorry Cas," he said through a second yawn. "I'm never gonna get angel humor."
"It's funnier in Enochain," Cas conceded. He stood up, offering his hand to Dean to once again help him up. Dean allowed it, and followed, bemused, when Castiel kept a hold of him, using his grip to drag him down the hall.
"Where are we going Cas?" he asked, amused.
"To bed," Cas answered.
There wasn't even a hint of seduction in Cas's voice, but Dean's stupid heart sped up anyway. His brain helpfully calling up some images he thought he'd banished to his private time with his right hand. But when they got to his room, Cas dropped his hand and simply stood there.
Dean waited, but when it became obvious that Cas was simply waiting for him he looked away. "What's going on, Cas?" Dean asked, embarrassed over the slight whine in his voice.
"You're tired," Cas said, plainly confused by the question. Then he squared his shoulders. "Forgive me, I forgot that you cannot sleep while I'm watching you. I will report to the garrison."
Dean quickly reached out to grab the sleeve of Cas's trench coat. "No!" he said, too loudly, too anxiously. He lowered his voice. "I mean, it's okay. You can stay." Dean shrugged to cover his discomfort.
"You do not wish to be alone," Cas said, nodding.
Dean felt himself flush at the frank assessment of his feelings. "No," Dean agreed. He stepped back and turned around to get ready for bed. He stripped without hesitation or embarrassment down to his boxers before facing Cas again.
Cas was watching him carefully, looking him up and down to capture every aspect of him. There was nothing sexual in his gaze - on the contrary he looked almost reverent - as if everything about Dean was interesting and worth cataloguing. Dean flushed darker under the attention and immediately climbed into bed.
"Goodnight, Cas," he said.
The lights went out - presumably Cas's doing - and Cas answered, "Sleep well, Dean."
Dean fell asleep to the soft sound of Cas breathing, a steady in and out like the beating of wings.
Cas was gone when Dean woke up, and for that he was grateful. He felt awkward enough about his neediness the night before without having to face proof that Cas had spent the whole night hovering over him like the guardian angel he said he wasn't, watching him sleep.
Dean's day was quiet and completely uneventful until Anna joined them for dinner that night.
Dean liked Anna. He really did, but her presence made Castiel go weirdly polite and distant. There was no repeat of that intense bright emotion that had marked their last meeting with Anna and Uriel, but Cas kept him shut out from the bond the whole night.
And the more distant and hyper polite Cas got toward him, the more Dean turned to Anna. At least she knew how to have fun - even if she did like cake better than pie.
"That's crazy talk, woman," Dean told her when she made her shocking announcement. "Are you sick?" Dean moved forward as if to feel her forehead, but Anna laughed and waved him off.
"Cake is a perfectly acceptable dessert choice," Anna insisted through her laughter, producing an array of cupcakes from wherever angels pulled shit from.
"Help me out here, Cas. Cake or pie?" Dean turned to Cas, a pleading smile affixed into place. Cas was scowling, looking just like a thunder cloud had settled over him. Dean even imagined he could smell ozone in the air. "Cas?" Dean asked, pushing gently at the shut bond, "You okay, man?"
Cas jerked as if startled and his shoulders relaxed a fraction. "I'm sorry, Dean," he said, opening the bond for the first time since Anna's arrival. "I was distracted. What did you need?"
Dean grinned at him and leaned in conspiratorially. "A little backup. The redhead over here thinks cake is better than pie."
Cas leaned in as well. "It is not fitting for an angel to question their superior…" he whispered, trailing off leadingly.
"But?" Dean prompted, lowering his voice as well. "Just between us."
"Pie is clearly the superior food," Cas whispered back solemnly.
Dean grinned so hard he thought he might have pulled something. Cas's lips twitched in response, and then he bit his lip as if to quell the motion. Dean had the sudden, crazy urge to lean in the rest of the way, kiss Cas's abused bottom lip and lick his way inside that perfect, tempting mouth.
Dean sat back quickly, shaking his head to rid himself of dangerous ideas. Cas watched him back up, clearly puzzled and sent a question through the bond. This time it was Dean's turn to shut it down, deny Cas access. A brief pulse of hurt and then Cas retreated.
Dean turned back to Anna, desperate for distraction before he did something stupid - like make out with an angel in front of said angel's boss. "Cas is too polite to say so, but he's on my side," Dean told her, full of superiority.
Anna snorted, the inelegant sound a sharp contrast to her appearance. "Of course he is," she said. Then she shoved a chocolate cupcake into Dean's mouth.
Dean sputtered and spit but eventually managed to choke down a bite. "What was that for?"
"You liked it," Anna laughed by way of explanation.
Dean shrugged. "I never said cake was bad - just that pie is far better."
"Maybe you've been eating the wrong kind of cake," Anna suggested.
"Proves my point," Dean retorted, swiping his finger through some cherry filling left over from the dessert Cas had provided for their meal, "no such thing as the wrong kind of pie."
He held up his finger in offering to Anna. A strange expression crossed over her face even as she shook her head, but Dean didn't have time to contemplate it. Another flash of hurt - deep and aching - arched across the bond, leaving Dean breathless with it.
Cas stood up abruptly, bumping the table and knocking fully half of the Anna's cupcakes to the ground. "I..." he said, clearly agitated, "I just remembered I have something - somewhere I'm supposed to be." Dean gaped at Cas; he'd had no idea it was possible to lie that badly. "I will see you tomorrow, Anael. Dean," he said, nodding to them each in turn before he flew away.
Dean turned to Anna, bewildered. "What just happened?"
Anna shook her head, pityingly. "You'd better figure it out quickly, Dean. It's not strictly speaking allowed to play favorites within a garrison, but I love Castiel best and I do not like seeing him in pain."
"Me neither," Dean said defensive and confused.
"I know, but you're hurting him nonetheless," Anna nodded and added, "If you don't fix this I believe Balthazar would be happy to comfort our distressed brother."
With that troubling message, she too flew away.
