Chapter eight: Torn

JPOV

February 4

I walk around in the woods, absently dragging my feet through the leaves on the ground. I need the woods to think, but I'm human as I need privacy as well. Three more days till I see her again, three days since I last saw her. And four days since the major question had been asked. These past few days have been hell. It al started with Sam's big news. I honestly had no idea if I was willing to accept the leadership of the pack. Sure, the task was now easier then it had once been, the tribe hasn't been threatened for years, but nobody knows what the future will bring and the Cullen coven does attract some attention in the vampire world. Another factor in this decision is Nessie of course. She's not mine so I can't ask her to stay with me in LaPush once the Cullens move. Letting her go without following is not an option either, that would destroy me, so if it would come to the choice between her and the pack, I would leave the pack behind. Would it be fair to accept the alpha role temporarily? On the other hand it is my duty to fulfill the task that I was born to do, to take the responsibility. I talked a lot about my concerns, mostly with Sam. He told me that I have a predestined duty towards my imprint as well, and if forced to chose, they all would understand that I had to follow her. And that no alpha accepts this role to be his forever. These were valid arguments, but I still needed to think this over thoroughly. And talk to the Cullens, and Leah, too.

Being the alpha would mean having a natural authority over her. Seth, who picked up on those worries during patrolling, couldn't believe I would let that argument be of any importance, me and Leah didn't even have a friendly relationship. I shut him down, not willing to discuss this, but thinking it over later I concluded that for me, the argument was relevant. We did have some sort of relationship, or understanding or whatever, that went beyond the sexual and that was important for me. Would this connection be damaged when the power balance was distorted?

And Ness… Even if she would stay in Forks forever, being the alpha involves me hanging around in LaPush much more and having less time on my hands to spend with her. On the other hand, maybe this is just what I need. A reason keeping me away, to maintain a little distance. A way to distract my mind and give my life some sense now she's doesn't seem to need me that much anymore. Needless to say, I was torn, the indecisiveness kept me awake and if that didn't do the trick, I had some other thoughts torturing me.

Starting on Sunday. First, I had to hear from Emmett that my girl had been smooching on the dance floor for hours in a row and that she had spend all day in her boyfriend's bedroom. Emmett never was a subtle one, and I could clearly hear in his voice and his compassionate look his opinion of the things that were going on inside that bedroom. Surely my Nessie would not get ahead of herself, but the kissing was bad enough to drive me insane. On top of that, all highly sexual vampires decided now was the day to become prudes and put "the talk" on my hands. Ness doesn't need anybody lecturing her, she never has, but there was no getting out of that so I was forced to have a very uncomfortable conversation with her. I tried to avoid looking directly at her, because her red puffy lips only reminded me of her recent activities and I craved to kiss those lips myself. So bad. She must have felt my discomfort and tried to push me away, believing I insulted her.

Thinking about my determination to keep more distance, I left, only to have her calling me a while later, confused and crying. God, sometimes I don't understand a thing about her, and I'm her best friend. We cleared things up until she was cheerful again, leading to her telling me all about her making out with Josh. I was thankful she couldn't see the tears on my face and the sickness I started to feel.

I haven't seen her since, and the distance thing is proving the be harder than expected, even when the alpha thing is taking a lot of my pondering time. I went without seeing her for days in a row before, but never when I had forbidden myself to seek her out. Just the fact that I couldn't go over there, made me think about going over there all the time. I tried to tell myself she might not even be home, I might be taking the trip to Forks to find that she is in his bedroom again, and I really don't want to be thinking about that. I would be seeing them both together soon enough at the bonfire Saturday… I have to find a way to cope by then. The mere thought of his hands on her made my inner wolf growl and want to claim her possessively. I can't do that. I can't stop thinking about her either. Would his hands be on her by now? She said she wasn't going further than kissing anytime soon, but what is too soon when two people are in love? Young and healthy people… I sure never expected to end up having sex when chasing Leah in the woods. These things just have a way of happening.

Thinking of Leah I believe I've been avoiding her as well. This alpha thing is already creeping up between us and that is too bad, because I could really do with some Leah-time to calm me down this week.

Maybe I should go talk to her first about my concerns. She would not give me some crap I want to hear, but share her straight forward and honest opinion.