5.5 The abomination

"You are a mistake. You should never have existed."

The words of The Elder One ring in my ears.

Inside Skyhold there is a small Chantry, it is for those who believe in the Maker and wish to pray for peace, guidance, safety, or strength; whatever you pray to Him for. I find myself standing here, near the altar, with a burning feeling of apprehension and guilt inside my stomach.

I understood the day the power of sealing the rips outside the Fade came to me that it was not right. But all those years, twenty years of searching for my destiny, keeping my promise to Falline; how was I supposed to know if this was right; if this was my true destiny? No higher power told me, Falline did not tell me, how was I supposed to know?!

"YOU MADE ME LIKE THIS!" I feel pure fury, the hatred I've bottled up for so long, the anger come flowing out of me. No, it burst out like an explosion, like fire. "YOU DID THIS TO ME!" I couldn't control myself; I tossed everything off the altar. The candles clattered to the ground and stopped burning. "YOU GAVE ME THIS POWER SO I COULD SAVE PEOPLE DIDN'T YOU?!" Next I smashed the whole altar in two with my fist. The splinters in my skin stung and my hand bled, but I was numb all over.

"I WAS KEEPING A PROMISE, AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY CHOICE!" I was screaming at the symbol of the Chantry now in rage, yelling at the Maker himself. "YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A THEIF!" Tears were streaming out of my eyes, I could not stop them. "YOU TOOK MY FAMILY, YOU TOOK KELAVIA, YOU TOOK MART, YOU TOOK FALLINE, YOU TOOK THE COUSLAND'S, YOU TOOK BRENAN, YOU TOOK NOL, YOU TOOK DUNCAN, YOU TOOK ANDERS, YOU'VE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM ME!"

Fire was burning inside of me; my whole body was glowing with fury. "Is…" I hiccupped as the sobbing began. Seeing all those faces in my mind's eye, it hurt so much, the pain was overwhelming. "Is this my punishment for killing those people?" I can't look up now, ashamed, I stared down at the mess I had made. "Is this for what I did to avenge Falline?"

I was shaking, trembling, there was so much sadness and anger that I had buried down deep. I could not stop it from pouring out now. "HOW IS THAT FAIR? I DESTROY ONE VILLAGE AND YOU TAKE EVERYTHING FROM ME!" I can feel the tears sliding down, they hit the floor and it begins to rain outside. The sun that was once shining through the stain glass window above was now replaced by clouds and thick heavy rainfall.

I look up again and I feel my knees buckle. I fall to the solid rock floor and feel weak. "All I wanted was to keep her promise." I sniffle and clench the fists that lay at my side. "I wanted to protect people, protect the ones I love. But those are the ones I cannot save. The least I can do is help the rest of the world. My intentions were always good ones. I know…" I see the village in Anderfels burning, in my mind. I hear the people that are still alive screaming as they burn to death. Nothing but ashes is left once I was done. "I know I am not a good person." Then I think back to my time in Kirkwall as an information broker, all those assassins I helped to kill their targets. "I. Am. Not. Innocent."

But her face, I remembered it as she smiled at me, her laugh brought warmth into my otherwise blighted life. She was my everything. Then I watched them behead her, she was still smiling at me as her head rolled away. "Falline." I sob grossly and uncontrollably when that memory comes to me. "I AVENGED HER!" That's what it was for me, vengeance against an unkind people. It didn't even matter to me how badly they used to beat me when I was young. All that mattered was her.

"She saw something in me no one else did. I had a great destiny in her eyes." My finger nails are cutting into my palm now, and the pain helps me to control myself. "WAS THIS WHAT SHE SAW? OR WAS MY TRUE DESTINY TAKEN FROM ME LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE WAS?" My throat was already beginning to burn and my vision was very blurry.

"I TRIED TO SAVE THEM!" Lightning struck but did nothing to cover the sound of my voice. "Am I…am I the reason they're all dead? Truly, should I not have existed? Would my brother be happily ruling Tantervale now? Would Falline still be painting? Would teryn Cousland still be alive? Would Brenan still be off causing trouble with her mabari? Would they all have been better off HAD I NEVER BEEN BORN?"

I haven't felt this weak since the day Falline rescued me from that beating. "Everything I've ever done, how hard I've trained, studied, worked. WAS IT ALL FOR NOTHING!" My head begins to feel light and my palms feel wet and sticky. I bring up my hands and stare at the blood on them. "Does it all mean nothing? Am I really a mistake? An…abomination?"

Whisperingly I say; "Would they all be better off if I took my own life?"