A/N: Ah, real life. It certainly can get in the way of writing fanfiction sometimes :)
The Truth, Again
I hesitated. I took a deep breath, letting the air out slowly, stalling. The few seconds' delay was all Edward needed. He knew.
"Bella, if I made this request two weeks ago you wouldn't have hesitated," he said, softly, velvety. "What changed?"
It was a pretty silly question…..what hadn't changed? I had to assume he was asking me to specify, not list. Still, the list included: we got married, I found out that we would never have sex with me being human, we cancelled our honeymoon, we fought, I slept with Jacob, Emmett died, Rosalie tried to kill me…..and that was just the major stuff. I think that any combination of these factors would have been more than sufficient to put me out of the mood for the transformation, so to speak, never mind them all. Did I really want to focus on any of those reasons, though? No, not really. So I went for the more benign stuff.
"I thought we were going to have my transformation next Sunday," I said feebly, "and say that we were going 'to Dartmouth'. Charlie's probably still at the police station; I want to say goodbye to him…." Though Charlie certainly wasn't the only person I wanted to say goodbye to. And I'm sure that Edward suspected who else might be included in that statement.
My words were somewhat sobering to Edward. The fact that Charlie was investigating Emmett's murder, hearing the word 'goodbye'- Edward was having to say goodbye to his brother today, whether he was ready to or not. He nodded almost imperceptibly in understanding, releasing my wrists from the strong grip of his fingertips and pulling himself up into a sitting position.
I sat up and gently put my arm around him. Edward had his head buried in his hands, for once not looking so refined. "Edward, are you all right? I'm so sorry about Emmett…." I began to apologize, yet was still a bit guarded. I had never lost someone as close to me as Emmett was to Edward….so I couldn't entirely relate to what he was going through. And I certainly didn't want to say anything that would ignite a reaction like Rosalie's. So I chose to say nothing more at all, instead gently circling my fingers across Edward's shoulder while I looked at him sympathetically, trying to communicate that I was here for him as long as he needed me, as long as I could help. It was the least I could do. I grimaced briefly as I thought of Jacob waiting for me out in the car, but the guilt was fleeting as I reminded myself that Jacob didn't lose a brother today. I waited for Edward to speak.
Edward slowly raised his head to look at me, eyes brooding. But the pain in his eyes was quickly masked by something darker, a rare look of loathing, hatred. "I should have seen it coming. That dog has had it in for Emmett for ages."
My sympathy quickly transformed into sheer confusion. It took me a second for his words to register. "Huh? Paul?" I asked after a moment. "What are you talking about? Do you mean…." I racked my brain trying to think, to remember, what would cause mortal enemies to dislike each other more than their statuses already implied. After a second, something clicked. "Are you talking about the argument over Victoria?" My memories of the almost-fight were hazy, but I vaguely remembered something along the lines of Paul and Emmett threatening each other when Emmett crossed the treaty line in an effort to catch Victoria. The weekend that Edward had made me leave town because he knew that she was back and didn't tell me.
The memory of that weekend, as it always did, made me tense a little. I was so angry at Edward at the time. I now understood Edward's rationale for impulsively whisking me away and thus keeping me safe- I would have done the same for him, if given a chance. But it still bothered me that he lied. It bothered me that I had to find out from Jacob. And it bothered me that Jacob had a look in his eyes when he told me, with Edward standing next to me, squirming. Jacob knew that Edward couldn't do a thing about my sure-to-come negative reaction.
Thinking about that day, or any day before the battle with Victoria, was surreal. It wasn't so long ago, but things were so different, so much simpler. Edward was my boyfriend; Jacob my friend. There may have been some gray areas here or there, lines that were blurred a bit, but they hadn't actually been crossed. Here we were, just a couple of months later, and I wasn't even sure on which side of the line I belonged. I had crossed it so many times I no longer knew which side was which.
"Bella?" Edward's voice quickly brought me back to Earth. I blinked, trying to bring the current situation back into focus, trying to rid my face of its faraway gaze into the past. I looked at him expectantly. What was he saying? Oh, yeah, Emmett and Paul. Once he saw that I was no longer preoccupied with the time and place he was describing, he answered me.
"No, it doesn't even have anything to do with Victoria. The truth is that this is between Emmett and….well Paul, Paul's family," he attempted to explain. He only succeeded in confusing me even more. I looked at him questioningly.
"Edward, what are you saying?" His effort to choose the least offensive words to express himself was doing nothing for me. I wished he would just spit it out.
Edward sighed, almost exasperated. But there was also just a twinge of embarrassment, shame. He returned my gaze, but lowered his head slightly. "Emmett killed Paul's great-grandmother. A long time ago, certainly." A note of defensiveness crept in.
For a split second, I was completely shocked- but when I took a moment to think about it, a lot clicked into place. I wondered how I could have not known this vital bit of information before- it seemed such a crucial piece to the puzzle. Then again, I couldn't recall an instance where Paul ever brought up his relatives. I wasn't even sure he had them. I wondered what his great-grandmother was like, if she was Quileute.
"She wasn't a carrier for the werewolf gene," Edward said, answering my silent question, reading my mind, as he always seemed to. "Paul's great-grandfather was. Emmett was still having trouble adapting to our way of life. It wasn't anything personal. He had no idea who she was."
"What happened?" I wondered.
"Nothing really," Edward responded. "It was prior to the establishment of the treaty. Paul's relatives were a little bit older than most of the other tribal elders. By the time the treaty came about, Emmett had been around a few years longer, understood Carlisle's expectations, knew how to handle himself around humans. But word was passed down, and Paul found out. He's hated Emmett ever since."
I sighed. "Well…." I broached the subject gingerly. "I mean….you can't really blame him, Edward." I paused a moment. "Besides, Paul almost attacked me, for crying out loud. But that doesn't mean that he's bad- he's just temperamental."
Edward held up his hand to wordlessly silence me. "Bella, I apologize, but I would really prefer that we stop discussing this," his tone of voice was back to being controlled, but his eyes revealed how devastated he still was. "I am already having difficulty fathoming what Paul did to Emmett; I can't bear the thought of him hurting you as well." He tried to lighten his tone, change the subject. "You still haven't officially answered my question."
"Question about what?" I asked, looking away, stalling for time, however brief. I knew perfectly well what he was asking.
"My question regarding whether you would be willing to undergo the transformation tonight, Mrs. Cullen," he replied smoothly, persuasively. I stole a brief glance at him before returning my eyes to the floor; he had just a hint of a smile appearing at the corner of his mouth. Clearly, he was making an effort to focus on something positive. And he was using the tone of voice that could cajole me into just about anything.
Just about. Because for a brief instant, I thought of Jacob again, waiting at the car. And then another scene from last night inadvertently flickered in my consciousness. Jacob's beautiful black eyes, staring at my naked body in amazement, taking me all in. His smoldering hands, pulling me closer while I rhythmically moved on top of him, sweating. His husky voice, whispering to me how sexy I was, how good I felt, how much he loved me. At the time, I was too distracted with the intense pleasure and heat coursing throughout my entire body to respond with anything other than cries of sheer passion.
The mere memory caused my core temperature to rise about ten degrees. My blood vessels dilated, trying to compensate, and my face suddenly felt flushed. I knew that I turned a deep shade of crimson as I finally pulled myself out of the memory long enough to look up at Edward's face.
Although I was never more grateful than at that precise moment that Edward couldn't definitively read my mind, I was sure that my illicit thoughts were probably pretty plain on my face. Shame intermingled with lust, turning my cheeks even redder. How could I even be thinking about sex with someone else while looking at Edward? I was a monster.
But just as quickly, the part of me that irrevocably changed after sleeping with Jacob, connecting with him the way I had, demanded it be heard. What if something were to happen in your transformation? Would one night really be enough? And could you really give up being human, and the idea of ever being with Jacob, right now, without saying goodbye? After last night, after the effect that it had on you?
The answer was no. No, I couldn't.
That was all I could say. "No, I can't, Edward." Jacob had spread his seed, literally and figuratively. A seed of doubt about my future, starting to sprout, its root system beginning to take hold, affixing it to my brain.
Edward's eyes narrowed. "Very well, Bella," he replied, the sense of disconnect that I had noted when I first saw him a few minutes ago momentarily returning. He shifted position. "But unfortunately, if you don't undergo this transformation, than I can't protect you anymore, make any promises about your safety- or Jacob's. You should probably go." A sense of urgency appeared to creep in towards the end. His voice sounded strained.
I could let Edward transform me, protect Jacob, keep us both safe. But my selfish instincts won out. I wanted to see Jacob, talk to him, even more. I nodded swiftly. "I understand." I debated about whether or not to hug Edward, but ultimately decided against it- I didn't want to press things. I whispered as I turned around, "I don't know when I'll see you again, Edward, but….I love you. Goodbye."
The unnerving strain in Edward's voice quickly transformed into an even creepier flatness. "I love you, too, Bella. And I'm certain I'll see you sooner than you realize."
