"You know, I never imagined something like this could happen." Erin whispered, lips grazing James's smooth forehead.

The two lovers were splayed on the living room couch, Erin on his back with James's head resting on his chest. The brunet's body was resting between the older man's long, lean legs, hands playing with the collar of Erin's plain, cotton light blue t-shirt.

"What do you mean, dear?" James's soft, musical voice asked, rolling his head back slightly to meet those deep, starling blue-green eyes. The older man had one hand dancing across James's toned stomach, the other caressing a thin, caramel-colored cheek.

"Imagined that a masochistic, arrogant, cruel, self-centered bloody bastard like me found...found a gem like you. Is it right, is it logical that two people so different in terms of personality, intellect and social background belong together? That they fit so well together, like two corresponding puzzle pieces? Before I'd ponder it over and over in my head; the age gap between us, it should have motivated me to put a wall between us. You're still so young, so curious and inexperienced...I questioned my morals. I questioned my state of mind: was it right to steal another's life away?

James parted his lips to rebut, only for Erin to give off his tiny, warm smile. "And even though I still think I should give you up, that you deserve more than what I can possibly offer you...I know that without you, I'd fall to pieces. You, being young and naive...it reminds me of when I was young and the time I wasted over thinking so many things, burying my emotions away to evade any further emotional turmoil. Seeing you so driven, so determined and eager to explore the world, it makes me feel like I'm getting a second chance. A second chance to live again, to smile and learn how to love. I'm not saying I'm reliving my life through you, but that I have a chance to share whatever time I have left with someone special to me. I don't care if I die tomorrow; you here with me, it has been the best play handed to me by this game we call life…"

James hadn't noticed tears had filled his eyes until he felt Erin's fingers catch them. He regained use of his own hands in seconds though, stroking those high cheekbones. He then pressed their lips together in a soft, light kiss. Their tongues danced a passionate, sensual dance, the younger male letting out a whimper when he felt those long, strong arms wrap tightly around his curved hips.

Their lip-lock lasted for who knows how long, both pulling away breathless with flushed faces. James's eyes were shinier than normal, tears running down his cheeks but his face was split into a smile. It was bigger, wider than Erin's but both held the same sentiments of love, affection, admiration and longing.

"I love you." The brunet whispered, Erin kissing away the glistening tracks on James's perfect, angelic face. Erin's usually cold eyes softened, a vulnerability that only James was gifted with. Only he was allowed to see what brokenness was left in the other.

"You're the only exception...the only person to ever melt this heart of ice. Only you, love."

James tried to shake away the memories, getting frustrated with his lack of concentration. He had an hour to kill before his creative writing class; he didn't have any homework to get done and his phone was off, to avoid an early screaming match with his mother. There was no doubt in the brunet's mind that Brooke would be very, very, very angry over the little stunt he pulled this morning.

Which she had every right to, if he was to be honest. What he did was stupid, dangerous and something...not like him. James was okay with taking risks, but wasn't one to take them so irrationally.

...Then again, when in the last two years has he been rational?

'All rational thinking, planning, all gone. Ugh, why did that blond idiot have to come so close to me?! As if I wasn't confused enough, why did I lack in reaction? He was touching me, touching me yet it was like I had been in some sort of trance! I couldn't move properly, couldn't think straight...nothing was working! Why, dammit why?!'

As he mentally fought with himself, James washed his face in the men's bathroom. He needed to look calm, cool and collected; dried up tear tracks and big, puffy red would not have helped that mask he was in the progress of constructing. With warm water and some paper towels, he scrubbed and rubbed at his cheeks, eyes and chin. He then splashed cold water against his too-hot skin to wake himself up some more, be fully conscious for the day. He was a good student, a model of academic excellence.

He couldn't afford to let that reputation slip.

But even when he had dried off, fixed his hair as best as he could without a brush and wiped down the sink, the memories of his haunting past were slowly but surely turning his eyes a grayish-blue again.

"Are you nervous?" Erin asked softly, stroking James's face between his thin, large hands.

Said brunet had his lower lip between his teeth, cheeks flushed a fiery red.

Both were laying in bed, light sweat marring their foreheads and soft pants leaving parted lips. They felt warm, very warm and their shirts were missing; a growing pile of clothes rested at the foot of their bed, the only source of light coming from the lavender-scented candles giving off a reddish-orange glow.

James buried his face away into the older, taller man's chest. His heart was racing, palms sweaty and there was a tightness in his pressed, black slacks he didn't feel a few minutes ago.

He was nervous, yes beyond a shadow of a doubt was he nervous. He was nervous because this was his first time, his first time experiencing this sort of human intimacy. He knew what sex was, obviously; he was a teenage boy after all, hormones run rampant when the secondary sex characteristics begin to kick in. And of course there were classes on sex education, online research and personal explorations.

But James...the fact that he was going to have sex for the first time wasn't what scared him. It was the fact that he was going to make love for the first time. This connection he had with Erin, this raw, binding chain between them wasn't due to lust, hormones or plain curiosity. It was a bond, a strong emotional bond that has developed over the years. James will acknowledge that while he waited until he was eighteen to confess his feelings for Erin Masters, the attraction has been there since he was fifteen. At first he had branded it as a childish crush, like some teenagers experience at one point or another. It was a part of growing up, meaning that eventually he was expected to move on to a new person.

But the childish crush did not die out. Those feelings of admiration, adoration, and respect had been way too strong to associate with a childish crush. The butterflies he felt around the older man; the way he would feel like smiling when Erin would talk about his work in greater detail; how his nerves, fears would leave when when the poetry professor would meet his eyes. So much building up inside the brunet, so much...intensity and addiction.

Plain and simple: it hadn't been a childish, stupid crush.

And now here they were, about to advance their relationship to a more sensual, physical level. Truth be told, this is what he's wanted for some time now. To be happy, happy and with the man he loved.

'I love him, it's as simple as that.' James thought with a shaky sigh before he finally decided to respond to his new husband.

Husband. Husband, that felt right to say. To think, to feel

"I-I am, yeah I am." He whispered, hoping his confession did not ruin the tender moment they were sharing. His hazel-green eyes, taking on a scarlet-emerald blend in a mixture of arousal and passion, flew open when Erin crushed him gently, protectively to his chest. He felt the other's hot, mint breath fanning over his right ear, his words soon sending shivers down James's spine.

"I am too. I've...never done this before, James. I'm not experienced in this...umm, particular human activity. The idea of reproduction has always repulsed me, plus I don't find meeting skin to skin very enticing. And yet, I wish to experience everything humanly possible with you, love. You are the only person I can see myself with, period. The only person who has reached me, and has melted the frozen remains of my heart. You are also the only person to have actually found all the pieces and slowly put them back together; I've known you since you were a child, I'm brilliant and always on my feet yet I didn't see that the child my only friend had would be the one who would save me. But we're not going to do this if you don't feel comfortable, love. We can just go to sleep now, lay here together; I'll be content to just simply holding you."

The British devil had a point. They were just starting their honeymoon; the only thing they had to worry about was to enjoy their alone time, be together and consummate their marriage not only in the physical but mental, emotional sense as well.

But James did want this. He wanted to give himself up to the only man, the only person, he's ever felt this strongly for. He was nervous sure...but he was also excited, eager to continue.

James tilted his head upwards and caught Erin's lips in a soft, gentle kiss. He ran his thin, warm caramel-colored hands over the older man's strong, toned chest and stomach; he smiled at the shiver he had provoked from Erin, whose starling blue-green eyes had darkened somewhat.

"M-make love to me, Erin. Please…" The brunet whispered, arms tight around Erin's swan neck as he hugged him.

He felt long, strong arms meet his waist. A pair of thin, cool lips brush his short, chocolate-brown hair. A deep, rich voice chase away his deep-rooted insecurities and virgin awkwardness.

"I promise to take it slow, love. I won't harm you...I promise."

James locked himself away into the nearest stall, sliding to the dirty floor with his face buried away into his knees.

Damn that dirty blond, damn that stupid, goofy-looking, heartless bastard!

If he had not touched him, talked to him then he wouldn't be in this position! He was doing so well; he had managed to sleep semi-decent the night before, not waking up in tears and a scream stuck in his throat. He had managed to maintain some sort of control (the incident with the car, so didn't count!) over himself.

And then that dirty blond came and fucked up all his hard work.

'Damn you, damn you, damn you. It's a good thing I won't ever see him, or else who knows what I'd do for payback. How dare you...you make me feel again after so long? I'm suppose to conceal my pain, conceal and not feel! That's what I've been trying to for the last two years! Conceal, not feel a damn thing! To go numb…! Why the hell am I slipping so much!'

"Damn!" James smashed his fist into the thick, metal wall behind him. He didn't care that his skin turned a sickly red from pain, or that blood began to color his fingers from a new cut across his palm.

All he wanted was to go numb again, to not feel a thing…!

'To. Not. Feel. A. Damn. Thing!'

-Page Break-

"James, James love where are you?"

Erin couldn't find his dear lover anywhere. He had ran after him, once the brunet had ditched the dirty blond by the name of Kendall (Erin was good at guessing names). He had been hot on his trail until James had rounded a corner and disappeared. Sherwood Uni was big, fairly big for a small town; there was no way he would be able to find James on his own.

'Okay, okay think clearly. James, where would you go to be alone?' Erin racked his brain for a clue, only for his ticket to appear right in front of him.

In the form of a...lanky, dirty blond with bottle green eyes.

"Kendall. You're looking for him, too. Wait, you have his creative writing class; I saw your schedule, when you took it out of your pocket. There's about...fifteen minutes left until he's to report for lecture. If I can't find him, you can. You can, and please help my husband…! He's not alright; I'll use you as transportation, I'll follow you and you'll lead us to him. Lead us to him, Kendall. Lead me to him…"


Hey, we're not feeling good. We've been punched in the gut really badly, and at the moment do not feel crash. Please though, enjoy this chapter. We pumped it out especially for our lovely readers; we hope you enjoy it and tell us what you think...Disclaimer: We don't own Big Time Rush All we own is the plot and the OCs that are the mysterious Erin Masters, the insane fan Jean Love and Amelia Blackwater.