Author: dsmith141
Title: In Search of Happiness
Rating: 18/R/M (depending on which country you're in)
Disclaimer: Just the usual, Josh owns everything I'm just playing with his creations.
A/N: WARNING: this chapter contains severe femslash. Anyone who doesn't like this sort of thing skip the chapter/don't read. But don't whinge at me because its there. I'm telling you now so you can skip it if needs be. Anyone who complains will be hunted down and repeatedly hit with a shovel by my muse :D thanks guys enjoy.
Chapter 8
Willow moved slowly through the airport, pulling her small case along behind her. The airport was so full she could hardly move yet she felt lonely. Every day she'd had to get Eleanor to cleans her emotionally but every night it just came back. Tara was out of her life again, and this time she wasn't sure if she'd come back. She was constricted by the crowds yet she still felt alone. Her chest was still crushing inward from the blow that Tara's departure had made.
The taxi drove her back to Rovello Drive. She found the house empty. No Tara. No Dawn. They'd all gone. She went upstairs to her room and dumped her suitcase on her bed. The wardrobes and drawers were all empty of Tara's things, it was as thought she'd never existed.
The front door opened. Dawn and Spike both walked into the house.
"I'm not too sure I should be here Nibblet."
"Hey. You have to stay. What if she isn't here and you have to take me back to the Crypt or or or what if there's a beastie in the kitchen?"
"Bit the door was open and all you're stuffs in the same place and no slash marks. No beasties about and it looks like she's here, considerin' her shoes're there."
Dawn looked up at Spike, frowning slightly. This was not the time for logic. She turned again when he sighed in defeat and shouted up the stairs to see if Willow was home and sure enough the Redhead walked along the landing to stand at the top of the stairs. She was holding what looked like a white rag in her hand but what Spike recognised as one of Tara's blouses. She fell to her knees and wept as Dawn bounded up the stairs to comfort her. Spike was left standing at the foot of the stairs, unsure o how to deal with the situation.
"Willow it's gonna be ok."
"S-She's really gone isn't she?"
"Yea she is. Why don't you call her. Talk. You know set things straight. Go out for coffee or something?"
"She wouldn't come"
"Come on. She'd at least give you a chance"
"I don't think so. I screwed up again. She gave me my second chance."
Spike looked up. "Look pet. She'd at least talk to you and listen to what you had to say. By rights she could've staked me when I came back but she didn't. She listened to what I said. Call her. She'll at least talk on the phone."
"You sure?"
"Yea."
"Thanks Spike"
"So Nibblet. What you wanna do? Move in back here or stay with me?"
"She's been staying with you?"
"Yea I'm the only one who could put her up."
"Will, you should see the crypt now its amazing"
"Dawn now's not the time to talk about my choice of decorator. You wanna stay here or you wanna come back with me?"
"I dunno. Willow do you want me to stay with you or will you be ok on your own?"
"Ill be fine Dawnie. If you wanna stay with Spike then that's fine. Just don't be a stranger ok?"
"Ok"
"Well then Nibblet, lets go. You gonna be OK Red?"
"Yea. I have, you know, laundry and I think I'll call Tara."
"Ok. Come on bit"
Dawn hugged Willow tightly one last time and walked down the stairs and sout of the door. Spike looked up at the witch and smiled slightly and followed her out. Willow stood and walked back into her bedroom. She picked up the phone and dialled the number for Tara's dorm room.
"Hello."
"Tara, hi. It's me" The mere sound of her voice put a smile on Willow's face or the first time in two months.
"Hey Will. You're back?"
"Y-yea just. I was wondering if you wanted to go out for...coffee or something. You know. Like as friends or, or just to talk, please."
"Er yea sure. When do you wanna meet up?"
"How about 3 at the Espresso Pump tomorrow?"
"Yea that should be ok. I'll see you then"
As the line went dead Willow smiled. The prospect of a date, no not a date. Just coffee with a friend. Come on Willow calm down it'll all be ok, with Tara had lightened her mood. It felt like she had a balloon in her chest. She smiled widely and went back to her case and finished unpacking.
--
Tara arrived at the Espresso Pump the next day at 3 o clock exactly. Willow was already there sitting in the corner on the comfy couch with Tara's favourite coffee in front of her on the table. She saw Tara arrive at the coffee shop and her eyes lit up. She stood smiling at her and invited her over to sit down.
"Hey"
"H-hey" Tara sat at the other side of the couch to Willow with a small gap between the two of them. She wasn't still mad at Willow or what ha happened but she was still a little nervous as to how things were going t work between them today. "How was England?"
"It was Ok. They were really helpful. Now I don't need magic and if I have to use it, I won't go all black eyed an veiny. Definite plus. How've you been?" with this question Willow looked at the floor guiltily at the memory of the day they'd broke up and there was an awkward silence between the two.
"I've been ok. Dealing."
"I'm so sorry. I just dunno what to say to make things better."
"It's ok. I'm over it."
"No it's not OK. I fucked up and I just wanna make things better but I can't and it's killing me." Willow looked at Tara with tear filled eyes. "Let me make things better"
"I don't know what you can do Willow."
"Would you tell me if you did?"
"Yes"
"Ok" Willow smiled slightly. "Are things gonna be ok between us?"
"I-I think so"
The two sat in silence and sipped at their drinks.
"I found one of your shirts in the laundry yesterday. If you want it you can come over and get it or I could bring it over for you" Willow smiled hopefully. She was clutching at strings now, she didn't care if she came off as needy because she did need the witch. She wanted any excuse to see her again.
"W-We can go back and get it after the coffee if you want."
"Yea" Willow beamed a huge smile across the couch.
The two continued to talk and by the time the coffees were finished they were too engrossed in conversation with each other to notice. It had been so long since they'd just talked like this and Willow was loving it. It was putting her at ease and any awkwardness that there had been was gone. They felt completely at ease together again.
"Oh gosh it's like 7 o clock. I should really be getting back."
"Oh ok. Do you wanna swing by and get you're top now?"
"Yea sure"
The two walked back to the house in silence. Willow was smiling from ear to ear but Tara was deep in thought. When they arrived she invited Tara inside. For a minute she just stood in the hallway but then she followed Willow upstairs. Willow felt her presence and looked up to the doorway and smiled at her. Her face fell when she saw the expression on Tara's face.
"Tara What's wrong? I-I thought things went well?"
"Things fall apart. They fall apart so hard. You can't ever ... (sighs) put them back the way they were. You know, it takes time. You can't just ... have coffee and expect…"
Willow looked at the floor full of guilt. She'd forgotten about what had happened too quickly. "I know."
"There's just so much to work through. Trust has to be built again, on both sides …"
Willow looked up with tears welling in her eyes. After the evening they'd had she couldn't believe what she was hearing. She was about to speak before Tara cut her off. "You have to learn if ... if we're even the same people we were, if you can fit in each other's lives." Tara looked down and her upset expression deepened and tears started to prick her eyes. "It's a long... important process, and ... can we just skip it? Can-can you just be kissing me now?"
Willow was stunned. She didn't know if she'd heard correctly. She looked up hopefully and was delighted when she realised by the look on Tara's face she'd heard right. She smiled widely and jumped up off her space on the floor and Tara met her halfway with a passionate kiss that encapsulated them both.
Hot tears of joy smoothed a path down the faces of the two witches as they backed further into the room, kicking the door closed behind them. Tara's hands were wound up in Willow's hair pulling her closer. She craved the softness of the redheads lips on her flesh. She was burning for her touch. She clawed at Willow's blouse impatiently, not managing to take it off. She was so desperate for Willow's love, her thoughts were incoherent.
Willow was pulling her lovers hips towards her, pressing their bodies together intensely. She tore Tara's blouse open, pushed it off her shoulders and unclipped her bra, allowing it to fall to the floor bearing her soft, smooth breasts. She felt her own blouse ripped open, buttons scattering across the room.
Tara pushed her backwards onto the bed, straddling her hips and pushing her face down to kiss her lover. Willow melted into her and her tongue slipped into Tara's mouth, exploring every inch of it. Her hands slipped down to Tara's waist, unbuttoning her jeans and ridding her of the few clothes she was left wearing. Tara followed suit and within moments they were both naked and entwining themselves, wanting to feel every bit of there lover pressed against them.
Tara dragged her nails lightly down her lover's torso and led a trail of hot kisses down to he collarbone and then further to her left breast, taking the already hard nipple into her mouth, running her tongue around the hard nub. Willow moaned as Tara transferred her attention to her other breast. She scratched her nails down Tara's back and arched herself to her lover impatiently, craving release. Tara's tongue made a trail down Willow's stomach and her inner thigh, gently kissing her way back up and lightly stroking her clit with her tongue. Willow gasped and pushed Tara further into her wetness, clutching her hair.
Tar's tongue explored her lover's folds with her tongue causing gasps and moans of pleasure to emit from Willow's mouth. She rubbed her clit with her thumb while licking her opening. Willow thrashed her head back onto the pillow, pushing her hips up and rocking against Tara's hand and tongue until she came with screams and gasps of pleasure.
She reached down and pulled Tara up to her face, tasting her release on her lover's tongue. She reached down and rubbed Tara's clit lightly with her thumb as she drove two of her fingers into her opening. She felt her muscles clench around her hand as she pumped her fingers rapidly into the witch. Tara moaned into Willow's mouth and threw her head back as she neared her climax. She screamed her reacquainted love's name as she came leaving them both dazed and panting.
The front door opened. Dawn had known Willow and Tara had gone for coffee and wanted to know what had happened.
"Willow? Willow where are you?"
Willow came down from her post sex haze to see a sleeping Tara beside her when she heard the teens voice calling her name, "Dawn?"On hearing her response she bounded up the stairs towards the cause of the noise. Willow had already managed to throw on a pair of loose fitting shorts and an old jersey and was standing in front of the door leaving it slightly ajar.
"Hey, how did it go today, at the coffee shop?"
"Oh yea. It went well. Totally. "
Tara woke up to find the bed empty, she wrapped the sheet around her and opened the door to see Dawn and Willow standing there. Dawn's face lit up when se saw the blonde witch. Tara's face reddened rapidly due to the embarrassment of the situation.
"Oh. Hey"
Dawn's grin widened "Oh! You and-"
"Uh, that's my cue to put some clothes on."
"No! No no no! I'm totally not here! You guys, you do whatever you want. Um ... I'll come back later" Dawn giggled and squealed running back down the stairs only to re-appear immediately. "I love you guys!"
Tara and Willow smiled at each other and went back into the bedroom.
--
Dawn was on her way back to the crypt, joy filling ever step she took. She was genuinely happy for the witches. Her cell phone vibrated against her leg.
"Hello"
"Hey Dawnster how's it goin?"
"Hey Xand. I'm great. Willow and Tara are back together." Dawn squealed again down the phone.
"Great. My ears appreciate what you're doing for them"
"Sorry Xand I'm just so happy."
"Great. How do you fancy coming to the bronze tonight to celebrate? Just you and me what do you say?"
"Sounds great"
"Ok I'll see you there about 7:30."
"Ok"
The line went dead and Dawn continued her way back to the crypt. Spike was sitting in the couch in front of the TV with a mug of blood in his hand.
"Spike. You'll never believe what's happened"
"What? You get attacked?" Spike stood up sloshing blood all over his hand, his eyes flashing yellow.
"No nothing like that. It's Willow and Tara, they're back together?"
Spike's expression turned from anger to sadness at the realisation that he really had lost Tara to the redhead. He'd been living on a false hope that if he could prove he was sorry she'd come back to him but now his cause was even more lost.
"That's great bit. I'm off out for the night. Don't wait up."
"Ok I'm going to the bronze later with Xander"
"Take a stake with you ok?"
"Yea sure."
"See you later Bit."
Spike stood and left the crypt swirling his duster around his shoulders and lighting a cigarette.
Later that night Spike arrived at the bronze. It was karaoke night and singing always seemed to calm him. He signed his name on the list and waited for his turn. He stood at the side of the stage with a beer while he waited for the previous teen to vacate it and eventually he took to the mic The first few cello chords rang throughout the speakers. He was sick of the hurt that he was feeling at the hands of women, sick of being a stepping stone, sick of being used.
"I'm giving up the ghost of love, in the shadows cast on devotion. She is the one that I adore. Queen of my silent suffocation. Break this bittersweet spell on me, lost in the arms of destiny.
It felt as though Tara had him under a spell, encapsulating him with her presence and personality.
"Bittersweet. I won't give up, I'm possessed by her. I'm bearing her cross, She's turned into my curse. Break this bittersweet spell on me, lost in the arms of destiny."
He felt like she was inside the space where his soul should be. She was well and truly under his skin and it was killing him. A love he couldn't rid himself of.
"Bittersweet. I want you, I'm only wanting you, And I need you, I'm only needing you. Break this bittersweet spell on me, lost in the arms of destiny. Break this bittersweet spell on me, lost in the arms of destiny. Bittersweet."
He needed her in his life but he couldn't stand to have her there. Tears were pricking his eyes. He looked across the room to see Dawn and Xander gawping up at the stage at him. He silently left the stage, ordered another beer from the bar and retreated into a corner.
Xander got up and went to the bathroom, leaving Dawn at the table alone. She walked over to Spike's corner to see silent streams of tears warming their way down his face.
"Spike?"
"Yea bit?"
"That was great. Are you ok?"
"Not really. I can't stand it here any more. I need to get out of here."
" What do you mean?"
"I can't stay in Sunnydale. Not with what happened with Dru then Buffy and then Tara. This place holds too many bad memories for me."
"But You can't leave. You have to stay. Where will I go?"
"Keep the crypt safe for me pet. I've gotta go it just hurts to much to be here. Everyone I love uses me or leaves me. I just need to get away from the memories."
"But I need you here."
"No you don't. You're a big girl now bit. And you've got the witches. You'll be fine."
Dawn's face fell. He still didn't know how she felt about him. She wanted him to love her as she loved him.
"I'm leaving tonight pet. First flight back to England."
"Will I see you again?"
"Yea of course. Don't know when though. Could be weeks. Could be longer. I just don't know."
Xander got back to the table and was looking around bewildered for Dawn.
"Best go back pet. The whelps lookin' for you."
"Ok. Goodbye Spike."
Dawn got up and went back over to Xander, her mind preoccupied by Spike's imminent departure. She had an idea. She stood up and walked over to the stage. She was going to make her mark on Spike. She scrawled her name on the list and took to the stage. She looked over to his corner and saw him watching her intently. The first few bars played her into the song.
"I would die for you. I would die for you. I've been dying just to feel you by my side. To know that you're mine. I will cry for you. I will cry for you. I will wash away your pain with all my tears. And drown your fear. I will pray for you. I will pray for you. I will sell my soul for something pure and true. Someone like you. See your face everyplace that I walk in, Hear your voice every time I am talking, You will believe in me. And I will never be ignored."
She loved the way that he believed in her, the way he saw her as a friend and not jus a child. He treat her like an adult.
"I will burn for you. Feel pain for you. I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart. I'll tear it apart. I will lie for you. I can steal for you. I will crawl on hands and knees until you see, You're just like me. Violate all my love that I'm missing. Throw away all the pain that I'm living. You will believe in me, And I can never be ignored. I would die for you. I would kill for you. I will steal for you. I'd do time for you. I would wait for you. I'd make room for you. I'd sail ships for you. To be close to you. To be a part of you. 'Cause I believe in you. I believe in you. I would die for you."
She meant every word of the song. She would die for him at any possible opportunity. She wanted him to see just how she was devoted to him.
Spike watched her all through the song. Watching her sing under the hot stage lights. He saw how she was no longer the little girl she once was. The last six months had developed her. She'd hardened under the strain and she was becoming more and more of the woman she would end up as. He stood up and looked up at the stage. He couldn't stay with his current problems and he couldn't develop his love for Dawn into more, into what she wanted it to be. She saw him standing in the doorway of the bronze and they shared a smile. She looked at Xander who was applauding wildly, and then back to the doorway only to see a final swirl of leather. He was gone. And she wasn't sure if she'd see him again.
A/N: Ok guys Im sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry i'm realy bad at writing songfics but I needed a way to express how the characters felt and I saw an opening. I obviously don't own either of the songs. Spike's song was 'Bittersweet' by Apocalyptica, the Rasmus and HIM and Dawn's song was '#1 Crush' by Garbage if anyone's interested.
