Story: Secrets
Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!
Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.
Chapter 8: Alone In This
POV: General
She collapsed onto her bed, her blood running warm through her veins. Her blonde hair was spread across the soft quilt as she inhaled deeply, letting the fresh scent intoxicate her. She hoped with everything that it would calm her nerves, that it would help her forget but she knew it wouldn't happen. Nothing would help her, no one would be there…she was alone.
Her blue eyes glazed over with tears as she lifted her head and gazed longingly towards the empty window. He hadn't followed her, he hadn't come make sure she was okay. She could no longer see things clearly as everything matted into a watery blur and she buried her face into the blanket. She didn't want him to come after her because she wanted to be alone but still, a part of her expected him to anyway. If he cared about her he would have come, but he didn't come. Did that mean he didn't care?
The thought just made the tears fall harder, that salt staining her pale lips. Rachel had never felt this vulnerable in her life. She was always the strong one, always the rock. And now….now her world was quickly crumbling beneath her and no one was helping her to pick up the pieces. Not even Cassie had come to make sure she was alright. They had all just abandoned her.
An uneasy cold settled around the blonde's thin frame as the loneliness set in. It gave her an eerie feeling to suddenly be cut off from everyone, to have no one to depend on. It made the hair on the back of her neck and on her arms rise. She felt flustered and hot but at the same time she was shivering inside and out. Her stomach tightened and her lungs burned inside of her. Rachel pushed to her feet and rushed towards her bathroom, her knees immediately crashing to the tiles in front of the toilet. She heaved harshly but there was no food to leave her body, so the acid that left her mouth scorched her throat.
She closed her eyes and stood to her feet, her body shifting in front of the mirror. The tears had stained her porcelain like face. Imperfection settled over her and it could be seen through her eyes. The once clear blue now tainted and masked with confusion and pain, a feeling that had become more common since the start of the war. She had always kept them well hidden though, she made sure no one knew. She couldn't hide it anymore, her eyes would no longer lie for her and keep her secret. She wanted to lay in someone's arms and tell them everything. She wanted nothing more then to believe that it was all okay, but there was no one to do that for her.
That was when she shut the door and her heart iced over. She refused to let anyone in. She refused to let anyone know how bad it hurt or how much she needs them. She would not let anyone take advantage of her and she wouldn't destroy anyone's life. If she kept to herself she could avoid the pain and things might be okay. Her life might slowly start to come together and her festering wounds might slowly start to heal. As she took a final glance in the mirror she saw the cold that glistened in her moist eyes. She was by herself and she had to deal with that. She was unwanted and unloved and she wouldn't let anyone lead her to believe otherwise. She had trusted Tobias and she expected him to be there for her. She needed him to prove the man wrong but all he had done was prove him right. She wouldn't let her heart break though, she couldn't handle anymore pain.
Rachel left her bathroom and sat with her back against the head board of her bed. She held her knees tucked in close to her chest and she buried her chin in her folded arms. Her entire body shook with the fear she couldn't get rid of. Every sound echoed in her ears and the quiet of the house left a knot in the pit of her stomach. She wasn't used to feeling like this and she didn't like it. She wasn't in control anymore, her fear controlled her. Her memories controlled her as well and she didn't know how to make them disappear. They consumed her every thought and they carried pain with them.
Rachel had never known that a memory could make her feel physical pain. She could swear that she was relieving every moment of the previous night. Every bit of torment replayed in her mind. His hands roamed every inch of her body and she could still feel the icy cold on his fingertips. His calloused palms still scratched her smooth skin as he grabbed her arms and yanked her by the wrist. She could smell his heavy cologne and it settled in her throat, choking her. Chills crept along her spine and at the same time beads of sweat formed along her hairline. The sharp pain traveled from between her legs straight through her arms. She let her body slide down until her head rested uneasily on her pillow. Her body curled into the fetal position as she let herself get lost in the memory of her pain.
He watched from her window sill as her body shuddered on the bed. The salt was now dried on her cheeks but with his strong senses he could still smell it and he knew she had just finished crying. She wasn't a crier and it signaled to him that something was wrong, but something inside told him that he should leave her be. Any other time she would have realized he was at her window but he knew she was too lost in thought to comprehend anything around her. He spread his wings and swooped, soaring from her window, but worry remained in the back of his mind.
