Chapter 8
"You don't have to say anything more, if you don't want to."
"No, I want you to know about me - understand me," said Lorelei. Logan had risen from his kneeling position on the floor, and was now sitting next to her in the other chair in front of Xavier's desk, still holding her hand.
"I lost both of my parents at a pretty young age: car accident. I lived with my grandmother after that, but when she died I was put into foster care, which is where the Professor found me after my mutation surfaced. I was enrolled at school here, I met other mutants, I made friends, I graduated. But I had no idea that my mutant powers were getting greater as I got older - the scent strength I gave off back then wasn't half of what it is now - or that there might be any risk for me because of those 'good vibes.'" She gave a watery smile.
"I was offered a scholarship to M.I.T. for undergrad, and when I got there I was really intimidated; everything was so huge compared to Xavier's school. Because of my mutation, people liked me, even gravitated to me. Since I'm a shy person, though, I really didn't want the attention I attracted. So mostly I just led a quiet life, had some nice friends, studied, and tried to minimize my powers so that I wouldn't stand out.
"I didn't have my first real romantic relationship until my senior year. Dave was a biochemistry major, like me, and intelligent and funny. We'd had a few classes together before, but once we were in this new small lab group, we reconnected. Soon we were spending all our time together - I was so infatuated with him that I didn't notice how hard he was pursuing me, or realize how much more alluring my mutation had become. I, um, lost my virginity with him." She blushed, and Logan's grip on her hand briefly tightened at this, but she ignored it and went on. "He was tender and gentle and patient with me, and I started staying over with him more and more.
"Dave proposed after we'd been together only two months. I was so happy and in love that it didn't occur to me how fast that was, and I had no one else in my life to be concerned about: few friends, no parents. It was after we were engaged that I learned his family is extremely wealthy. He asked me to his parents' apartment - they lived in a ritzy high-rise - to meet them. I could see as soon as we arrived that they were more than just curious about me, they were suspicious. Clearly, given our whirlwind romance I was likely a gold digger, pregnant, or both. His parents relaxed once I greeted and touched them. I knew that was because of my mutation, but I really wanted them to like me, and it wasn't as if I could control the way I made them feel, anyway. If making my future in-laws feel blissful and accepting of my role in their life was because of my influence, I wasn't going to worry about it. Until I met Dave's brother.
"He blew in the door later that evening, and he was already agitated and prejudiced about meeting 'the random whore who's got Dave by the balls,' as he called me. I tried not to let him rattle me, I spoke to him, I shook his hand . . . and nothing. I mentioned to you before that there were people I'd encountered who were completely unaffected by and indifferent to my powers: Dave's brother was the first one I'd ever seen. He never smiled at me, just kept glaring, and finally he noticed around the room that everyone was grinning and doting on me. He got mad, then, and asked if they were all on drugs, because he thought they were all here to talk Dave out of this marriage. He yelled at me, got right up in my face, and ordered me to tell him what the hell I was doing to his brother. I was so scared, I was shaking - no one had ever yelled at me like that before. He told me to leave his parents' house so that the family could talk, and although Dave protested, I had to get out of there, so I kissed my fiancé and asked him to call me later.
"He finally called me three days afterward, his voice sounding completely detached. He broke up with me. He said that being away from me made him realize that he hadn't ever really been in love with me, it was just something that I had done to him, and that I was only marrying him to 'take advantage of his family's situation.' I think his brother realized I was a mutant, but probably didn't completely understand - or care - how I affect people, as long as I was out of their lives. I cried and implored Dave to change his mind, but he was getting off the line as fast as possible. I heard his brother in the background saying, 'just tell that freak to fuck off and leave you alone.' I hung up.
"I was so heartbroken. I studied and went to class, and that was all. I knew that I could never again believe anyone who said he loved me, because no one near me is ever fully in their right mind - they're in thrall. The Siren's song.
"I graduated and entered my doctoral program, and I could tell that my sensory projections were getting stronger. More and more strangers would comment to me about how good I smelled, so I got the job at the bakery to cover my scent. I didn't talk to people unless I had to, and didn't touch anyone at all, or let anyone touch me, so that I would affect people as little as possible.
Then one day, I was walking down a city block when a man ran up behind me on the street and grabbed me, dragged me into an alley in a second. It was broad daylight. He pushed me against the wall, covered my mouth with his hand when I screamed, and raped me. It happened so fast. He was wearing a wedding ring. He wasn't wearing a condom. When he pulled back, I jerked my head to the side and vomited on the ground. He took a step back then, shook his head, and he looked completely horrified. He said 'Oh my God. I'm sorry,' and ran away.
"I got treated at a Public Health Center. But I didn't go to the police because I was afraid of what might happen to me if the authorities found out I was a mutant. Senator Kelly was pushing hard for the Mutant Registration Act around this time, and I didn't know how I would be received if I reported a human-on-mutant crime; I was so scared.
But I was more scared because I suspected that he raped me because of my mutation. It was as if I'd become a single-minded obsession outside of his normal personality, like he was under hypnosis, or drugged. I realized this when I threw up on the ground after he raped me: I think that the smell had broken through his reverie so that the mutant powers were not affecting him momentarily, which was why he looked so shocked. He was probably not a sexual predator . . . still, it was terrifying to think that my mutation could incite this violent reaction and get me hurt.
"But then it almost happened again, about a month before I graduated and before the Professor came. This time it was while I was working at the bakery - I had tried to prepare myself to fight back if I was ever threatened again. Luckily, I didn't have to. There were two cops in the store at the time, really early in the morning, and they saw the man rush in and grab me, and wrestle me to the ground underneath him. Thank goodness they were there, because he was much, much stronger than I was. They arrested him for assault, but since I didn't know him, they thought he was just a criminal, or insane. He must have caught my scent from outside, but he never came back there again, because I never saw him after that.
"It changed me. I was scared to go to work, to the university . . . I wanted to hide all the time. What did it mean if there were people out there who can't control themselves once they are near me? What if more people are overwhelmed by my sensory projections and I'm raped again? I almost didn't finish my PhD program, I became such a shut-in.
"The Professor's offer to teach here sounded perfect. I didn't want to keep feeling scared, I trust Xavier, and I knew I could let my guard down around other mutants, more than humans. And I knew of Charles's reputation for training staff members who are protectors. So I told him about what had happened to me, and asked him to keep me safe, and I knew that he would."
"And we will," Logan cleared his throat, since it had been several minutes since he'd spoken. "I am sorry that I brought up those memories when I kissed you in the lab, and I hope that you can forgive me. I would never want you to think I'm forcing myself on you. I want to be the one who makes you feel safe. I want to be with you."
"Logan, I . . . I thought you understood," said Lorelei in an anguished tone. "I can't be with anyone. I was really hopeful when I thought your healing ability blocked me out from influencing you. But after our time in the lab, I believe there is some sway over you, after all. I appreciate your apology, and I'm very attracted to you, but don't you see why I can't? These feelings about me aren't real, they're just my mutation's effect. I can't have you. Not when I know that my body is controlling your mind and your . . . desire."
"I don't believe that!" said Logan furiously. "I don't believe that it's just the mutation's powers making me think that I want you!" He took a breath in an effort to relax and lower his voice. "This isn't some spell the Siren has me wrapped up in - I know this is you. What you say to me. The way you move. How great you are to the kids here. Your desire to shield everyone else from yourself, when, dammit, you're the sweetest- that you are- that I'm falling-" He broke off.
"Me, too." She was thrilling to his words. Looking down at her hand in his, she leveled her voice and spoke. "I want to be with you, too. But Logan, I'm 28 years old and I've had these walls up for a long time; I don't know how to let you in. What are we supposed to do?"
"Baby, I don't have answers, either," he said. "But I think that we just do what feels right for us. We'll take things slowly.
"So for now, what I want to do is take you to the kitchen and get you some dinner: you must be hungry, and exhausted from this shitty evening. We'll have time to figure this out," he added, lacing his fingers through hers and pressing them to his chest. "I'm not going anywhere."
She nodded as he rose to his feet, pulling her along with him. He looked down at her, the corners of his eyes crinkling up as he looked at her questioningly for her response. She rose up on her tiptoes - gradually, to telegraph to him what she was doing - and planted a kiss just to the side of his mouth, her lips brushing his wiry beard. She smiled, rubbed the end of her nose against his, repeated "Baby?" and softly kissed him.
