There is some smut & foul language in the beginning of this chapter, Nick is being a naughty boy, I teased about phone sex and I got a request so here it is. As for the rest of this chapter... fasten your seatbelts, it will be an angsty ride. Not sure if you'll like me much by the end of this chapter... Have a good weekend y'all!
Chapter 8
They'd spent the entire day in bed with only short detours. They'd made love moments after they'd woken up and then again as he refused to let her get up to take a shower. They'd taken that shower a little later though, but together and he had her against the cold tiles under those warm jets. The plan had been to have breakfast but they'd ended up back in bed again and he'd explored every inch of her body smelling and tasting soap but then filled his mouth with her own scent and her fluids. He'd lost count on how many times he'd made her come. It was something he liked keeping track off, silly he knew but it pleased him to be able to please her.
They'd both fallen asleep for a while only to wake up feeling the desire reawakened. This time their lovemaking took them off the bed, tumbling to the floor in a heap of tangled limbs, sweat and laughter. They kept going on the floor and the hard surface helped him restrain her the way she liked to be restrained at times. He got her back up on the bed though as he decided to see if he had anything for them to eat in the kitchen. Both their tummies were rumbling by now.
He found nothing but two stale croissants and while he waited for their coffee to finish he found two missed calls on his phone. Both numbers were listed as hidden though and he thought nothing more of it as he hurried back to the bedroom with the poor offerings he'd managed to scramble together in his kitchen. She enjoyed the coffee but then she seemed more interested in him than the croissants and they got back to devouring each other instead.
Lunch passed but then around two pm they made the adult decision to try and break out of their love nest to find something to eat. They separated into two rooms to make it easier for them to get dressed but then they still got caught in the hallway making out for a while. They made it out the door but then he had to run in to get his wallet and she took the time to straighten her hair out that he'd tangled during their make-out session. She couldn't help but smile as her fingers got caught in the tousles but she managed to get her hair up into a ponytail even though he smacked her ass when he came back out. She finished the last hoop around her hair as they got out onto the steps and they were halfway down on the stairs when they heard his daughter call out for her papa.
Zara came running towards them. Nick was stunned to see her there and she managed to get him off balance a bit when she crashed into him.
"Zara," he breathed patting her back a bit awkwardly. It was more the sight of his ex by her car that made him awkward though. Nick glanced back at Amanda and she'd almost retracted to behind the stairs but there was no way she could go unnoticed. Maria had clearly seen her judging by her face as she approached them and Zara had definitely seen her and said her name.
"Amanda, what are you doing here?" she asked.
Nick knew Zara liked Amanda even though they'd only met a handful of times at the station. Zara had said she liked Amanda's hair, that it was like Barbie's. He'd never mentioned it to Amanda since he was pretty sure she wouldn't like being compared to Barbie.
"Are you working dad?" Zara grabbed a hold of Amanda's hand.
"Yes."
"No."
The yes was Amanda, the no was Nick's. Maria's expression didn't go unnoticed by none of them. Amanda shot Nick a fierce look.
"Well… yes and no," he said looking down at his daughter who swopped hands to his by now, "we did work but now we're just… hanging out."
"Cool," Zara smiled.
"What are you doing here?" Nick asked his ex-wife who'd stopped a few yards from them and crossed her arms in front of her.
"Your mom didn't get a hold of you?" Maria asked and Nick shook his head.
"Well I had to call her since you weren't picking up," Maria gave him an annoyed look, "I have a meeting, short notice, your mom said she could take her for the rest of the day."
"Okay," Nick said trying to just stay cool, "well we can take her, you go."
"We?" Maria couldn't help herself.
"I can just…" Amanda started but Nick interrupted her.
"Me and Amanda can take her," he said.
"Fine," Maria said quickly, "Zara come get your bag out of the car honey."
Zara ran back to her mother as Maria headed back to the car. Nick turned to Amanda and caught the uncomfortable look on her face.
"I should go," Amanda said with barely a whisper but Nick shook his head and gestured with his hands for her to just stay put. He walked closer to Maria's car.
"So when are you picking her up?" he asked Maria when Zara came skipping back with her backpack in her hand. Nick grabbed it from her and she ran back over to Amanda.
"Late tonight or early morning, what suits you better? And by you I mean you and Amanda?"
Nick did his best to not bite.
"I don't mind keeping her overnight, call me in the morning when you're on your way and I'll make sure she's ready," Nick said, proud he was able to keep his calm. He said goodbye and then went over to join Amanda and Zara on the curb.
"Is Amanda staying to have dinner with us?" Zara asked her dad as she waved to her mom that was taking off. Nick glanced at Amanda and noticed how she held her head down as the car passed them.
"Well do you want her too?" Nick asked even though he could see Amanda shaking her head a little while Zara had her focus turned away from her. She looked terrified and Nick knew why. Spending time with him and his daughter meant taking a step towards serious and it probably freaked her out. He secretly enjoyed seeing her a bit rattled though, she was hard to rattle.
"Where were you going just now?" Zara said as she remembered seeing them coming out of the apartment.
"We were just going to grab a late lunch," Nick said touching his daughter's cheek.
"Okay but I'm not hungry," Zara said still smiling up at her dad.
"Well I'm sure we can find something else to do besides eating," Nick winked at her.
"Yay, can I sit in the back with Amanda?" she asked running over to his car.
"Can she?" Nick asked Amanda with a big grin on his face.
"I should just head home Nick," Amanda whispered looking a bit scared again.
"And disappoint a seven year old?" he said grabbing for her hand. She pulled away a bit, even took a step back.
"Hey," Nick said realizing this was no time to joke around, "if you really want to I'll drive you home but most of all I want to you stay with us."
"Are you coming?" Zara shouted impatiently waiting by the car for them to join her. They both looked over towards her but Nick turned quickly to look at Amanda. She kept her eyes on the girl for a while and Nick could tell a lot of things were going on inside her head. He wanted to convince her to come but knew it would probably have the opposite effect.
"C'mon," Zara shouted and waved for Amanda to come join her.
"Okay," Amanda whispered and gave him a shy glance. Nick couldn't help but smile and Amanda rolled her eyes at him before she turned to head over Zara's way.
"So where to?" he asked as he got behind the wheel and looked back. He caught Amanda helping Zara to strap in and he found the small gesture adorable.
"Maybe the arcade on 8 Mott?" Amanda suggested.
"Yay the arcade," Zara cheered. Nick wasn't exactly sure where it was at and asked a few more questions that Amanda could answer.
"Do they have food there though?" Nick asked.
"I'm sure they have something to eat but it's okay with me, I'm not really hungry no longer," Amanda said and she was being honest. Any hunger she'd felt was inundated by nerves.
"You sure?" he asked and she nodded.
"And you're sure an arcade is…" he wasn't sure how that worked with her gambling addiction.
"I promise to stay away from the high rolling tables," she said giving him a smirk as she knew what he was asking. He shot her a smile.
"Dad can I get my backpack, I wanna show Amanda my drawings," Zara said and Nick handed her the bag. He drove off the curb and got his phone hooked to his Bluetooth so he could reach his mother while Zara showed Amanda her latest coloring book. He caught glances of Amanda in the back mirror as he talked to his mother and let her know she didn't have to come over. Amanda caught him looking and gave him a stern glance but she couldn't hide the small smile playing over her face.
They spent about two hours at the arcade. Zara and Amanda tag-teamed him and beat him at almost everything. He surprised even himself though and won the gun range match. It could have had something to do with the fact he distracted Amanda during her shooting though. Zara called him out on it but he still got to count it as a win in the end. He counted the whole day as a win.
After two hours though his tummy was killing him and he managed to talk Amanda in to grabbing food and coming back with them to the apartment. He hoped it wasn't just the food that won her over. Zara got to chose restaurant to pick up from and then they headed back to the apartment. Amanda distracted Zara by asking her to show her more of her drawings in her room so that Nick could go around the apartment child-proofing it. That meant getting the bedroom back in order after this morning's workout sessions and making sure no stray underwear were laying around somewhere.
Soon though Nick could finally settle the ache in his tummy and he liked sitting down with both Zara and Amanda at the table. He could picture them like that, he would love to make this a regular thing. Regular like an everyday event. Zara were telling Amanda her best knock-knock jokes, the ones Nick had heard about a hundred times by now but hearing Amanda laugh at them made him able to appreciate them again.
They got interrupted though by a voice from the door. Nick recognized the voice and so did Zara.
"Abuela," she shouted and rushed to the door.
Nick looked over at Amanda and back was that terrified look on her face. Nick felt a little bad for her but had to admit he also enjoyed it. Daughter, ex and mother-in-law all on the same day. Nick felt a slight turn in his gut, he'd actually thought mother-in-law.
"See I told you she was here," Zara said close to dragging her grandmother into the living room.
"Mama," Nick said catching his mother's cheek and felt her plump lips brush up against his cheek and those familiar fingers embracing the back of his neck.
"I don't think you've met my colleague Amanda right?" he said gesturing over the table to the still frighten looking blonde. Nick's mother shook her head reaching over the table to meet Amanda's hand.
"This is my mother Cesaria," Nick smiled.
"Amanda Rollins," Amanda said not sounding at all like her secure self as she shook hands with his mother. It made Nick's smile wider.
"Nice to meet you Amanda," Cesaria smiled.
"I hope I'm not interrupting," she said turning back to her son.
"Never," he smiled and got a pat on the cheek from her.
"Are you hungry, we have enough," he said but she said she was not hungry but told them to sit back down and finish. Both Nick and Zara quickly sat down as they knew better than to not obey her. Amanda got the drift too and sat down grabbing her fork. Cesaria had brought a cake for her granddaughter and got coffee ready while they finished. Then she took care of the dishes while the rest tasted her cake. Amanda asked Nick with a whisper if his mother shouldn't join them too but Nick let her know it was no point even trying. Zara agreed with her dad. Cesaria did join them though once the dishes were done. Amanda complimented her on her delicious cake and found herself with a second serving on her plate.
Cesaria asked Zara how her dancing was going and Amanda learnt that Zara had just started taking dance classes in DC. Amanda also learnt that Cesaria helped out teaching ballroom dancing at a senior citizen center, apparently she'd been quite a dancer in her younger years Nick let her know. Nick then mentioned Amanda's passion for So you think you can dance which made Amanda embarrassed but only until Cesaria said she loved that show too. Zara got music on and then told her dad to dance with her. Amanda liked seeing Zara stand on Nick's feet, she remembered doing that as a kid too. Her dad had usually been a lot more unsteady on his feet though.
Amanda wasn't sure how Zara managed to talk her up there but soon she found herself holding on to Nick's hand, feeling his other hand resting on her hip and her hand being placed on his shoulder by Cesaria. Nick's mother lined their feet up and then gave them the count in. Amanda managed to step on Nick's foot though which only made him smile but she was feeling very awkward and he could tell. Cesaria grabbed a hold of her hips and helped her along.
"Mom, if she doesn't want to," he said trying to rescue Amanda, he knew how persistent his mom could be.
"Qué disparate, any girl who's dating my son needs to know this dance," she said and Nick saw Amanda's eyes grew a few sizes and her face lost all color at once.
"Mom, Amanda and I work together," he said quickly. Amanda looked like she could die right there.
"Whatever, it does not hurt her to learn it either way," Cesaria said and, to Amanda's humiliation, added; "I can feel this girl knows how to move her hips."
"Mom," Nick said harshly. Amanda somehow made it through one song and then let Zara have her dad back.
A little later Amanda said goodbye to Zara and again thanked Cesaria for the cake. Nick followed her to the door and just slightly let his hand brush over her stomach as they got there. Amanda gave him a stern look though and pulled away from his touch.
"Don't worry," he whispered but she didn't look convinced.
"What does it matter what they think or know?" he asked not getting the big deal. He was proud to be with her, didn't she feel the same?
"It matters," she whispered.
"Okay yes it matters but would it be so bad if they knew?" he asked wanting to know.
"Yes," she said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"It would be bad if they knew we were seeing each other? Really? What, my mom would force you to learn that dance and my daughter would start to call you the evil stepmother just like that?" he smiled and was happy to see her face ease up a bit. He grabbed her hand and touched her cheek with his other hand. Finally she gave him a proper smile. He dared to lean in and give her a kiss. It was just a soft kiss, no tongue just a sign of affection. It got cut even shorter though as they heard a little girl giggling nearby.
"I knew it," Zara smiled as they looked at her. She gave them the most precious smile and then turned around running back to her grandma.
"They did kiss abuela," she shouted. Nick felt Amanda slide out of his grip and he caught her close to devastated look as he turned back towards her.
"It's okay," he tried reassuring her following her out a couple of steps.
"Hey," he said calling for her attention as he didn't want her to leave like this. She turned back but seemed to have a hard time looking at him.
"It's okay, I promise," he said. He watched her take a deep breath and it seemed to make her less tense.
"Can I call you later?" he asked and after a slight hesitation she gave him a short nod before she headed outside. He went back inside and he for one didn't mind the questions he knew his mother and daughter would have for him. He didn't mind one bit telling them all about his new girlfriend.
Once his mother had left, leaving the kitchen spotless as usual, and he'd tucked in his daughter after having read to her he shut his door slightly and propped himself up against a few pillows on his bed. He hit her on speed dial and heard himself whisper 'please pick up, please pick up' as the phone kept ringing. By the tenth ring though he started to realize she wouldn't pick up. He imagining her looking at the phone and not picking up because it was him. Or maybe she'd gone to bed already? He hung up after a few more rings.
His hand holding the phone hadn't even reached the bed though before it started buzzing and he immediately lit up once he saw her name in the window.
"Hey," he said smiling into the phone as he quickly brought it up to his ear again.
"Hi, sorry, I was in the shower," she said sounding a little out of breath.
"No problem, thanks for calling me back," he said trying to push out some very vivid images of her inside his head of her dripping wet coming out of the shower.
"You're welcome?" she said with a distinctive question mark afterwards and Nick chuckled. He listen to her move around a little before he said anything more.
"Have you gotten over the shock of being outed in front of my daughter and mother?" he asked and heard her amused little grunt on the other line. She seemed unwilling to answer though and he let her slide. For now. He could tell she'd stopped moving around.
"What you doing?" he asked.
"Last I checked I was on the phone," she said with her common sarcastic tone.
"Are you in your bedroom?" he asked.
"Yeah," she answered a little suspicious.
"On your bed?"
"Yeah."
"What you wearing?" he asked and smiled at the muffled giggle he heard on the other line.
"C'mon, humor me," he begged.
"Just a towel," she answered after letting him hang a little.
"White?"
"Aha." She gave the same answer to his following two questions. Wrapped around you? Ending half way down your thigh?
"Have you put lotion on yet?" he asked but barely finished that sentence until she burst out in laughter.
"What?" he asked with a wide grin over his face.
"Do you realize how creepy that is, total Hannibal vibe," she said through laughter.
"Oh c'mon, play along," he said scooting down a little further against his pillows. Her laugh had died down and all he heard was her breathing on the other side of the line. He couldn't understand how just the sound of her breathing could arouse him that much. How just the thought of her made him feel so alive.
"No I haven't put lotion on yet, you want to help me do that?" she asked and he felt even more alive. He'd heard her sound even more seductive though, now she had just a hint of timidity in her voice, so he knew she felt a little out of her comfort zone. He kind of liked though that she seemed inexperienced and he knew she wouldn't play along if it wasn't something that tickled her.
"I would love to," he answered smiling, "where do you want me to start?"
Amanda swallowed hard as she felt her core tingle slightly. She scooted down on the bed making the towel slide up even further as she lay down. She felt very excited to start to touch herself. It was a strange feeling, she'd never been much for doing that. She'd only used masturbation in desperate times and let's face it she rarely had been that desperate, she could find a man anywhere. There was just one thing she had to make sure of before she let this go any further.
"Nick?" she asked carefully, "Where's your daughter?"
"Don't worry, she's sleeping in her room," he said happy she thought of his daughter but also very eager to get going.
"Is your door shut?"
He looked at the somewhat closed door and contemplated lying.
"Almost," he answered deciding to be honest.
"Close it."
"She sleeps like a log, and I'll be quiet," he said lowering his voice unconsciously.
"Please close it," she begged. She didn't want Zara to hear what her mother had made her listen to all those years. He hurried up and over to his door. He glanced down the hall quickly only to find Zara's door as he'd left it and her nightlight burning through the small opening.
"This is me closing the door," he said in case she didn't hear it. He walked back to his bed listening to her breath close to his ear.
"Are you still wearing your towel?" he asked laying back down against his pillow.
"Aha," she whispered.
"Are you curtains closed?" he asked and pictured her taking a look during the brief silence that followed.
"Yes," she answered once she'd checked.
"Okay then take the towel off," he said and only gave her a few seconds before he asked; "Is it off?"
"Eager," she breathed while trying to get the towel off the bed. Nick smiled. He'd heard her call him eager plenty of times during these past months. How could he not be eager with her?
"Okay it's off but what are you wearing?" she countered.
"I'm in a tee and a pair of sweats," he let her know while looking down on himself.
"Boxers?"
"Yeah, want me to take them off?"
"No, leave 'em on but put your hand down inside them," she told him.
"How will I then be able to touch you?" he asked with a smile but his hand was already on its way down inside his boxers.
"Since we're on the phone, you'll use your real hand to touch yourself but your imaginary hands to touch me," she said a bit smug.
"Oh so that's how it works," he taunted back getting slightly more erected just by her cocky tone.
"So I have my hand on myself now, and you're naked?"
"Yeah I'm naked," she assured.
"Are your hair wet?"
"Damp," she let him know.
"Curled up?" he asked stroking himself as he started to get a more vivid image of her in front of his eyes.
"A bit yeah," she answered.
"Okay, you're on your back right?"
"Yeah," she said swallowing.
"Look down," he told her, "your breasts, your stomach, mound, your gorgeous legs. You're beautiful."
He imagined her either blushing now or shaking her head a little. He knew she didn't like to think of herself as beautiful but he would keep telling her till the day he died.
"Your breasts, your nipples, are they hard?"
"No," she let him know.
"Put your phone on speaker and place it next to you on the pillow, I want you to be able to use both hands," he said and added; "Do it now," as he didn't hear anything.
"Bossy," she mumbled and then he heard the change as she switched to speaker on her phone. He heard a deep exhale and imagined her laying back down on the bed.
"Can you still hear me?"
"Yeah, loud and clear boss," she said.
"I want you to touch your breasts, gently, just stroke them all over, and look at them while you do it. Go over your nipples but don't pinch them yet," he breathed, "are you doing it?"
"Yeah," she breathed and he had no problem picturing her doing it.
"Your nipples, are they perking up?"
"Yeah," she said with just a whisper.
"I love to cup your breasts when they do that, that hard nipple underneath my palm. Cup your breasts for me, can you feel your nipples against your palms?"
"Yes," she said with a gasp.
"That's good. Now tease them, pinch them, punish them," he said and he smiled at the stocked up exhale he heard on the other side of the line. He used the back of his hand to make a little more room inside his boxers and then squeezed his balls a few times before he went back to stroking himself.
"How does that feel?" he asked.
"Good, it feels good," she whispered. She'd closed her eyes now and just tried to focus on his voice as she'd felt a little self-conscious to start with.
"Yes it feels really good, I love your breasts. Leave one hand there but let the other one go down, slowly though. Move it down over your stomach, stop at your mound. Just let it rest there, don't touch yourself, yet."
Her deep breathing was making his head spin a little. He loved it but wanted to be there next to her, wanted to be able to actually touch her himself right now.
"If you're not moving your hips already then start to, and spread your legs. I want you to grind your ass against the bed as you picturing me between your legs. Can you feel me there?"
"Let me touch myself," she breathed.
"Not yet," he said with a smile on his face, he liked that she gave him that power even though he wasn't in the room.
"You can touch the inside of your thigh, but just the thigh. And don't forget your breasts, I want your nipples hard constantly. I'm playing with your nipples, I'm running my tongue over them, can you feel it?"
"Aha," she breathed.
"I love playing with my tongue over your nipples like this, I like sucking at them, do you like it?"
"Yeah," she whispered.
"Say it, say you like it," he urged.
"I like it," she moaned.
"What do you like?"
"The way you… suck at them," she said inhaling harshly.
"What else do you want me to do to them?"
"I want you to… use your teeth," she said out of breath.
"Oh, you want it rough tonight do you?" he smiled trying to slow down his own handling of his cock so he would last.
"Okay I'll use my teeth but you got to help me out, you have to push your chest up towards me and keep pinching the other nipple, pinch it hard," he was still smiling as he heard her breathing.
"Where's your other hand?"
"Between my legs," she whispered not able to hold anything back right now.
"Oh you're being a naughty girl, did I tell you you could do that?"
"Please," she begged.
"Not yet, use both hands on your breasts, pinch those nipples hard, and keep your legs spread, give me room down there. I want to see you, all of you," he said and felt all the nerves in his cock quiver at once as she let out a long, deep exhale.
Amanda was surprised herself how fast she'd gone from a reluctant participant to a very willing one. Of course when sex was involved she was usually quickly onboard. She'd never been on the receiving end of this kind of thing though. She'd gotten guys off over the phone but that was easy, she only had to use her deep, husky voice and throw out some dirty words and then tell him what she'd do to him if she was in the same room. That was easy and rather unsexy but this… this was crazy sexy.
Even with her legs spread she could feel how wet she was and the way he refused her to touch herself made her even more aroused. She was squirming on the bed right now, every little fiber throughout her body felt alive and even though he wasn't there with her she could feel him. She could feel his touch, that warm and caring touch that could also apply just the right amount of pressure and at times pain that she craved. She could feel his eyes on her, those warm, brown eyes with such depth and filled with so much compassion it made her feel overwhelmed by the notion he wanted nothing but to direct them her way. And that mouth, those lips that hit all the right spots, that tongue that could bring as much pleasure as his touch and those words that came out of it.
Those words… she tried to not think about them. She wanted to pretend it didn't affect her but it did. It made her feel good. And scared. An 'I love you' came with expectations, expectations she feared she couldn't live up to but right now that was not on her mind at all. Right now she squeezed her own nipples hard wanting to make them just as perky as he liked them to be and with her eyes closed he was vivid in the room, he was there with her.
"Okay bring one hand up to your mouth, put your fingers in your mouth, suck on them," he told her and her right hand quickly found their way inside her mouth. He could hear her latch on to her fingers and even though he could picture it he really wanted to be there with her right now.
"Make them really wet," he told her, "and then you can reach down and you can place them on your clit, but just your clit. You hear me?"
"Aha," he heard her answer with her fingers still in her mouth. It didn't take long though until he heard the gasp as she placed her fingers between her own legs.
"That's good, take it slow. Rub it slowly," he said trying to do just the same with his erection. He heard her moan, or more plead and it drove him insane.
"Damn you're so hot," he whispered, "I want to be right there with you, I want to fuck you so badly right now. Put two fingers inside you. Do it now."
He felt it hard to control himself as he listen to the sounds she made. She seemed closer and she was as she'd rolled over to the side and her mouth very just an inch from the phone now. She had her one hand working hard down between her legs that she had to fight to keep parted and she worked her breasts with her other hand.
"I want to hear you come, I want you to come for me," he said listening to her moans going in and out. She was trying to keep her head up but she felt the need to bury her mouth in the pillow from time to time.
"I want to hear you, let me hear you come Amanda," he asked changing his tone from demanding to begging.
Amanda wanted to give that to him, she wanted to please him since he'd pleased her so many times. She pushed the phone further down on the bed as she rolled over on her stomach so she could press her hand harder against herself. She spread her legs further to come further down against the bed.
"Pretend that's me, that's my hand rubbing against you," she heard him say and she had no problem imagining him there. He kept talking to her as her moaning got stronger. As small wails interrupted her moaning he had to take a short break as he ejaculated but as soon as he was done he got back to talking dirty to her. He wasn't sure she heard him but he kind of liked this naughty side of himself and it made him feel part of what was going on on her side of the line.
"What do you need?" he asked once he could tell she'd got a little stuck on an intense level, "Tell me what you need Amanda? What can I do to get you there?"
"Please," he heard her faint reply, she struggled to talk.
"Tell me Amanda," he said.
"Hold me down," she managed to say.
"You want me to hold you down? Okay that's what I'll do, I'll pin your hands above your head, I'll use my knees to push down your legs, I'm all over you, you can't go anywhere and my hand's between your legs. I'm showing no mercy."
"Yes please no mercy," she echoed with barely a whisper. Nick had opened his eyes up and his eyes fell on his pants and belt that he'd folded over the chair by the wall.
"Can I do anything to you?" he asked.
"Yes, yes you can," she breathed hard.
"I have my belt, can I tie your hands up?"
"Yeah, yeah, yes," she breathed even harder.
"I'm tightening my belt around your wrists, hard, and I'm tying them to the bedpost. Now you're all mine…"
It didn't take long until she came after that. He urged her to keep going, to rub her clit as the orgasm rode through her body and she cried out with that mix of pain and pleasure he'd gotten used to hearing.
"Oh my God," she repeated a few times as she got her voice back.
"That was hot," he smiled.
"That was crazy hot," she answered and he chuckled.
"I need another shower," she said and he kept chuckling.
"I need new boxers," he let her go and he heard a slight giggle on her end.
"That was really amazing," he said still feeling a bit of glow around himself, "if we ever have to be apart again I wouldn't mind doing that again."
"Okay," she said simply and he was filled with this pride of having the coolest girlfriend ever.
"You're going to take that second shower?" he asked after the line had been quiet for a while.
"If my legs will carry me, I'm not so sure about that," she answered and he smiled. He didn't want to hang up but she didn't really seem to be in the mood to talk.
"I'm gonna give it a try," she finally said and he knew it was time to say good night.
"Okay, I'll see you at the station tomorrow then, I had a really good day today Amanda, with you and Zara."
"Yeah it was… fine," she said and he'd take that.
"I hope we can do it again," he said, left a little room for her to respond but when none came he continued, "Okay, you sleep well Amanda, I love you."
"Night Nick," she answered after a slight pause.
"Night," he said right before she hung up. The call would've ended perfectly if she'd said something back, but he'd promised not to pressure her and he wouldn't. Not yet. He would keep reassuring her, he would make sure she knew he would be there and then he hoped she would feel secure enough to say it back.
He'd called Liv in the morning to let her know he had to take Zara a bit unexpectedly yesterday and he had to drop her off before work which would make him run a little late. Liv said it was no problem so he took his time and had a nice breakfast with his girl before her mother would come by to pick her up.
The scene was a little tense once Maria finally showed up. Nick felt oddly calm though and tried to ignore Maria's frumpy face. He just let her know their daughter had been fed and they had a nice evening just the two of them.
"Just the two of you?" she asked a little nosey as Zara had run back inside to get something she'd left behind.
"Yes, just the two of us," Nick said trying not to bite.
"So Amanda?" she asked not able to leave it alone, it had been on her mind the entire day yesterday and the first thing she'd thought about this morning as she woke up in her hotel room.
"What about Amanda?" he asked trying to keep his cool.
"C'mon Nick," she said a bit irritated. He felt a slight annoyance but then when he looked at his ex-wife he saw some timidity on her face and he didn't want to rub his new relationship in her face.
"We're hanging out okay? It's complicated with work, there's rules and, well, complicated," he said shooting her a relaxed smile. Zara came running down the stairs and interrupted any follow-up question Maria might have had.
"So it seems we'll be in town for another night," Maria said giving her daughter a look and her cheek a caress before she looked back up at Nick, "You got plans tonight? Can the three of us have dinner?"
"Yes dad, let's have dinner together," Zara chirped and of course Nick couldn't say no to her.
"Okay," he said as his daughter wrapped her overjoyed arms around his waist.
"Okay," Maria smiled, "I'll find a place for us. I'll text you the details."
"Sure," Nick said trying his best to smile back. Of course he wanted to spend time with his daughter but he had really wanted to be able to catch up with Amanda tonight. She had her GA tonight though so maybe they could still see each other after her meeting and his dinner.
Since he was running late both Amanda and Fin were at their desks when he walked in. Amanda spotted him before Fin and she and Nick exchanged a few shy glances instead of a 'morning' and when Fin looked up he spotted their silent exchange.
"Morning buddy," Fin said breaking their gaze.
"Morning Fin," Nick said swiping his jacket over his chair before he sat down.
"What was that?" Fin asked his partner over their desks trying to keep his voice low.
"What was what?" she said trying to act innocent even though her cheeks were burning.
"That…" he said aiming at her flustered face and then tried to copy their eye ogling by making his eyes pop as much as possible.
"What?" she said shaking her head a little trying to cover up what she knew she couldn't cover up.
"Oh please," he muttered but she just turned her eyes down. Fin sighed. He had no problem with them getting it on but he hated being left out of whatever they had going on.
It was a slow day, no new cases, so they were left mostly in the squad room for the first part of the day. Both Liv and Murphy were around though but as they got closer to lunch he finally were able to catch her down the hall as she exited the ladies room. Yes he had stalked her there.
"Hi," he said smiling.
"Hi," she whispered as he followed her to a corner that was a little secluded, at least in sight from the squad room. She'd kept pushing down her top inside her pants as they moved over there and whenever she peeked up he smiled at the shyness that was so obviously displayed on her face. He found it endearing.
"That thing, last night, that was fun," he said and she nodded biting down on her lip. He shot a somewhat nervous look over his shoulder to make sure no one was around or approaching from the squad room. When he didn't see anyone he dared to reach out and touch her wrist just slightly. The touch felt almost electrical to both of them. He'd seen the blush on her cheeks already and now he felt his own heat up.
"I'm wearing my belt," he whispered and caught her inhaling hard. She tried not to look at him as she felt it hard to stay away from him as it was and meeting those sexy, dark eyes of his right now… she couldn't risk it. But looking down meant looking at either his fingers brushing up against her wrist or his belt, and crotch, and that felt hard too so her eyes still ended up meeting his. The smile over his face was mischievous and now she was the one looking down the hallway. When she didn't see anyone her hand went up to his belt and his pants felt tight as he watched her finger it.
"Maybe you want to really use that on me some time?" she whispered and for a few seconds he felt as though his legs would crumble with excitement.
"Hey, Rollins, Amaro," came Fin's loud voice echoing down the hallway. Nick immediately took a step back, away from Amanda and turned around. He cleared his throat quickly as he not only saw Fin but also Liv approaching behind him.
"Yeah?" he called back as he heard Amanda take a deep breath behind him.
"We got a case, you busy?" Liv called down the hallway.
"No, not busy," Nick said glancing over his shoulder as he headed down towards them. Amanda stepped away from the wall and followed him.
"Everything okay?" Liv asked a bit suspiciously as Nick walked up next to her.
"Yeah, more than okay," he said trying to brush it off.
"Are we heading out?" Amanda asked Fin as she tried to stay away from Liv, it felt as though her sergeant could see right through her. Fin gave her a nod with an added look that she chose to ignore.
They'd caught a rather simple case, the crimes were never simple but when they had a known assailant it was usually a whole lot easier. Liv and Nick talked to the victim as Amanda and Fin took the suspect, they were both admitted at the same hospital. The abuser, that was the victim's former boyfriend, confessed and was regretful. Liv and Nick got the hard end as the victim seemed reluctant to press charges and it took a whole lot of convincing before she finally agreed to do it.
Once Liv and Nick were done the other two had already finished up at the hospital and were having lunch on their way back to the station. Liv and Nick grabbed something to go and joined them at the station. By the end of shift they had more or less wrapped the case and even the paperwork was done. Amanda hadn't had time to make any plans with Nick but she knew he kept track of which days she had meetings so she figured that maybe was why he hadn't confronted her again.
But she really wanted to see him later and she hoped he really wanted to see her too. Murphy had been mostly a-wall the entire day but Liv was still in her office. The rest of them were stationed at their desks and since Amanda knew Fin kept track of her whenever she was around Nick's desk she decided to text him instead.
"Busy later?" she texted even though she knew he rarely did anything after work. She tried to ignore the buzzing of his phone as he received the text and paid attention to her computer screen instead. She did catch his glance over her way though once he had a look at his phone. It didn't take long until her phone buzzed.
"You have a meeting right?" was his reply.
"I can come by afterwards?" she suggested. She had to wait a while for his reply but then it came and she hurried to read it.
"Let's text. Having dinner with a friend but would love to c u afterwards."
"OK."
Amanda put down her phone but then caught Fin's eyes right over the top of her computer screen.
"You know you'd save the police department a few bucks if you just walked over to him to arrange a rendezvous," he said trying to sound serious but she could hear the amusement underneath. She just made a face at him but then ducked down behind her screen so he wouldn't see either her smile or her blushing cheeks.
Amanda sat through most of the meeting not contributing much. She had a hard time even just nodding and acknowledging whatever others shared, her mind was elsewhere. All she could think about was how she wanted to see him, to be in his arms and have him inside of her. She got aroused just thinking about him right now and she was really in no place to be having these thoughts. They were in a room in a building that belonged to the church's premises.
She couldn't wait to get out of there but of course they ran late. Everyone, but her, seemed to want to share tonight. She was a little surprised, and disappointed, to see no text or missed calls on her phone when she finally got out of there. She contemplated sending him a text to see if he was home yet but ended up just driving over there. Once there she could tell he wasn't home though. All the lights were off inside, he usually lit his entire apartment up when he was home. She'd never asked him why, she usually just got the light on in the room she would be in and left the rest off. His home was like a light house but it was kind of sweet to see him walk around and turn the lights off when they were going to bed, that was when they weren't in a hurry ripping their clothes off, then he just left the lights on which made it easier for her to sneak out later on.
But she hadn't really done that lately, sneaked out. Thinking about that now made her smile where she sat in the darkness of her car. She brought her phone out and got started on a new message. She wasn't sure what to write though. She thought about something naughty but only came up with little texts that were a bit too crude and she started over. She wrote 'I can't wait to see u. where are you? r u wearing ur belt?' and ended up looking at the text with a silly grin on her face for a few moments contemplating if she could send it like that or not.
She decided she was going to send it but just needed to take a breath first and her eyes just happen to travel down the street where she caught sight of three figures walking towards her. No, not towards her, towards Nick's home, their home. Zara were in the middle, holding on to both her parent's hands and they made an attempt to swing her forward but she was a little too big and Maria couldn't lift as high as Nick. Zara just laughed though, completely pleased with the tiny ride she got and then she let go of her parents and ran ahead down the street stopping only when she got to the stairs leading up to the apartment.
Amanda scooted down in her seat a little as her eyes went back up at Nick and Maria. Nick said something that made Maria laugh or perhaps it was the other way around, they both laughed now.
"C'mon," Zara shouted at them but it was all that Amanda heard. She watched as both Nick and Maria seemed to get a little awkward around each other. Maria checked her watch and gestured a little towards her car that was parked right outside his place. How could she not have spotted Maria's car earlier? Maria looked reluctant but Nick seemed to talk her into coming back inside. He talked her into coming inside, not the other way around. And his hand was on Maria's elbow for a second as he let her pass. The pain she felt on the inside as she watched them walked up the stairs together was more severe than… getting punched in the face. Getting humiliated. Getting shot with a sniper rifle through the shoulder.
As the door closed behind them she couldn't breathe for a second and then ended up pulling a few harsh inhales. She realized she was clutching on to her phone still and hit the 'dismiss' button once she'd made sure her finger was steady enough to not get anywhere near the 'send' button. She saw the lights get turned on in his apartment and she spotted both him and Maria by a window. They turned their heads at the same time and she pictured Zara calling for their attention.
This was where he belonged. This was where he wanted to be. He wanted a wife, a family, a real home. She was sure of it, he wanted, needed and deserved so much more than what she could ever give him. She tried to get a grip on her thoughts and her emotions that were just all over the place. Her hand was shaking as she turned the engine on. She couldn't believe she'd almost sent him a dirty text as he was holding his daughter's hand. What kind of person did that?
She drove off fighting the tears that was burning behind her eyes. She wasn't that girl. She did not cry over a boy. Get yourself together Amanda. But why had he lied to her? Why had he said he was having dinner with a friend? Maria wasn't a friend. She was his wife, not even officially his ex yet. She was a past lover, perhaps still a lover. She was so stupid.
Once she got home she felt the walls closing in almost immediately and she got in her running gear without thinking. She was on her way out when she received a text and wasn't sure what to think as it was Nick texting he was just checking in and that he would love to hear from her. Had Maria left? She could still be there though as he just wrote checking in. What did checking in mean?
She put the earbuds in, started the playlist she'd made for running and took off. About an hour later when the music got interrupted by another incoming text she chose to ignore it and just kept running. Once back home she checked it and it read 'Are u coming over? I'd love to see u'. She tossed the phone on her bed and headed for the shower. She showered cold, wanting to numb everything. She was done, this love crap wasn't for her.
She walked in after him the next morning. Liv was by his desk and Nick hoped that's why Amanda barely looked at him as she shot them a good morning while aiming for her own desk. Fin came in and then Murphy walked out handing out assignments. It had been a rough night it seemed and they had three assaults to look in to. Murphy took Amanda with him to visit a potential rape victim at the hospital, while he told Liv and Nick to check out the second rape claim and Fin got to fly solo on a domestic dispute that to Murphy sounded like a 'cry wolf' kind of case but told Fin to get in touch if he needed back-up or got a hunch it wasn't.
Nick didn't get a chance to catch Amanda before Murphy swept her off but he didn't like the feeling of her avoiding meeting his eyes. Why hadn't she called or dropped by last night? Had something happen at her meeting? He was constantly a little worried Nate would suddenly reappear at her meeting even though, according to Amanda, he'd promised to stick to another meeting in another area.
Murphy's instinct about Fin's case turned out to be right which was good cause then he could help out with their case that turned out a little trickier. They had a reluctant victim and would have to do a lot of digging on their own to get anywhere closer to the truth.
Liv and Nick got a rather straight forward case on their hands, the perpetrator was known to the victim but he was in the wind.
Fin and Amanda came back in to the station after lunch to do some digging on the computer and in the database. Murphy was in his office already and Liv came back in too after leaving Nick with their victim to look for more potential address of their mutual friends where the perp could be at. Liv needed to go over some things with Murphy and stepped in to his office.
Fin and Amanda were discussing their case and potential leads when Amanda suddenly went quiet. They'd both had their eyes on their screens so Fin looked up at her when he didn't get an answer. His partner's face had gone completely pale and he followed her gaze over to the gate where he spotted… Maria.
Maria wasn't an evil woman. She had a good heart. It was just buried underneath a lot of mixed emotions right now. She knew she fell out of love with her husband. With Nick. It came gradually. A need to distant herself from him as they just became a boring, old couple. And they were still in their thirties back then. They were still young. She was still young. Getting deployed overseas helped her with that distance she needed but instead of longing to go home, away from that awful war and home to a loving husband and a precious daughter, she wanted to get even further away.
And that's how she found herself sharing a bed with a major in Iraq. They'd only slept in the same bed, both in need of holding on to someone after a grueling day out on the field with children among a group of causalities. They had shared a kiss before they'd lain down, and then another one a couple of days later but it ended with that. She could never do that to Nick. But she knew long before she allowed herself to think it that she'd fallen out of love with her husband and their life together.
She tried for a while back home but it didn't work. It wouldn't work. Separating had of course been hard. She had no good reason for why, she couldn't give him any answers to his question 'why?'. A lot of things happen in a short amount of time. The separation, finding another apartment as she didn't want to stay in their old mutual one, and then the job offer in DC. Everything went so fast but she just rolled with it, to Nick's dismay. She realized, looking back, how hard everything had to have been for him. He'd yelled, he'd screamed, he'd fought. But she'd just looked to her own interests.
And her daughter's of course but she'd gone by the motto 'if the mother is happy, the child will be happy'. She knew Zara had missed her dad terribly though, she'd cried so many nights after they'd moved to DC. Maria had just comforted though and carried on, things would get better again she reassured herself as well as her daughter. And it had been. She loved the challenges at work, the power she did have in her position and the independence.
But she'd missed having another adult to come home to, she even missed Nick's mom even though she'd complained about her constant presence in their old life. She'd gone on dates, it had been fun but then she'd find the right one. At least that's what she thought. But then he'd used her, and in front of Nick as well. It had been humiliating. The next one hadn't turned out to be that awesome either and she started to doubt herself.
She doubted if she could ever find a more gentle man than Nick, cause he'd always been gentle. She started to doubt if DC was the right choice for her and when the final divorce papers dropped down her chute she started to doubt if that's what she really wanted. And in the midst of all that the call came of a job offer back in New York.
That's what brought her to town two days ago. She could've brought Zara along to the meeting but she guessed the need to just check in with Nick more than over the phone made her get in touch with him to see if he could take Zara. When he hadn't picked up she'd called Cesaria and she'd felt some excitement as she parked in the nearest slot on his street. She was excited for the job interview but also to catch up with Nick.
That excitement was crushed quickly though as Zara suddenly blurted out 'daddy's home' and when Maria looked up she spotted him immediately, but not only him. That blonde partner of his were walking down the stairs of his apartment right behind him getting her hair tied up and the way he looked at her, the way they looked at each other, spoke volumes to what they'd been up to inside. She didn't get the chance to stop Zara from bolting out and she did her best to collect herself quickly as she had to face them.
Driving away she'd squeezed the wheel hard and she'd felt like both screaming and crying at the same time. She'd done none of it though. She wasn't sure what expression she'd made during the job interview, she'd done her best to relax and seem interested and invested in the firm that was hiring. Nick had been on her mind constantly though.
She couldn't enjoy being in the city on her own. The entire night she'd felt stupid for thinking that there was a chance, that he might want to get back together now after two years apart and the divorce was almost finalized. He was screwing his partner, he'd moved on. Were they serious? Did he love her? All these questions had spun around her head the entire night and were still lingering as she pulled up again outside his apartment to fetch Zara.
She got pleasantly surprised though when he agreed to have dinner with them that night as she let him know they would be in town for another few nights. Maybe he wasn't that invested in this new fling? Maybe it was just casual sex? He was allowed, they were separated and she'd slept with three guys since she'd left him.
Zara had told her she'd caught them kissing as they said goodbye. It irritated Maria some that Zara seemed so in love with this blonde, southern bell already. Maria had grown some balls since she left Nick and she wasn't going to let this night escape without asking him what was going on with this blonde detective of his. She got a chance once Zara ran over to choose a dessert. He'd seemed a little uncomfortable by the question, asked what her intention was just to ask it. She said she just wanted to know in case she had to buy Zara a Christmas gift to give to her stepmother. The answer seemed to have relaxed him some, oh how she'd missed to see him smile like that.
And the answer had been somewhat uplifting. It appeared to be a casual thing, he insinuated that it was a bit complicated with working on the same squad and everything but since it wasn't serious it was no big deal. To Maria it sounded like she had every chance to jump back in the game if she wanted to but they didn't get any further as Zara came skipping back declaring she wanted both the chocolate cake and a strawberry Sunday. Once she'd given him those pleading puppy eyes of hers Nick hadn't been able to deny her both desserts but added that she would have to give both her mom and dad at least one spoon of each.
That night, watching her daughter sleep in the hotel bed next to her, she was filled with an overwhelming longing to have her family back together. She was a little afraid though that Nick had only tried to spare her feelings earlier. He had said he was really fond of this blonde one right? She hadn't wanted to hear that at the table but he had said it. That it was complicated because he wasn't really allowed to have feelings for her. Everything was really complicated.
No Maria wasn't an evil woman but if she wanted her husband back she would have to fight for him. And with that frame of mind she stepped in to the squad room having left Zara with Cesaria after their lunch together.
The officer at the gate let Maria pass as they'd exchanged a few words. He pointed her towards Murphy's office for some reason and Amanda felt cold all over. Was she here to blow their cover?
"Hey Maria," Fin said a bit hesitant, he'd never been on a first name basis with the woman but he could tell his partner wasn't jumping in. He wouldn't have to engage in any conversation though as Liv stepped out of Murphy's office saying Maria's name a bit stunned. Of course Liv worried this wasn't a social call. Was Maria there to file a complaint against her ex? Had Nick's calm demeanor only been a front? Was he still somewhat stalking his wife?
"Hi Olivia," Maria said smiling, initializing an embrace that Liv leaned in to and tried to return without awkwardness.
"Fin," Maria said with a nod but then just went by Amanda with her eyes. Fin noticed this of course but Liv was a bit occupied with her slight worry and just focused on Maria.
"What are you doing here? Are you here for Nick?" she tried.
"Yeah, I guess he's not around though," Maria said.
"I'm sure he'll be right in, I left him with a witness not long ago but he was driving in right after me," Liv let her know.
"Oh, great, we had dinner last night and I just wanted to thank him for everything," Maria said glancing a little over Liv's shoulder to get a glimpse of the blonde's reaction. Liv looked as though she was about to ask something but Murphy interrupted them. He was relaying some information to Amanda and Fin but piped down when he caught all four of them looking at him.
"Lieutenant Murphy," Liv said, "this is Maria, Nick's…" She wasn't sure what to say and looked a bit awkward as Murphy grabbed Maria's extended hand.
"Still the wife I guess," Maria said with a smile.
"Okay, hi," Murphy said, "still the boss I guess."
"Oh so you're in charge now?" Maria said looking back at Liv for a few seconds before she turned her attention back at Murphy.
"I hope my husband isn't causing you any trouble lieutenant, or the rest of the squad," Maria said looking over Amanda's way. Amanda tried not to cringe but even though her eyes were planted on the desk in front of her she felt the woman's eyes bore in to her. Fin watched the scene play out with troubled eyes.
"No, no they're all good," Murphy said with his usual relaxed tone as he followed Maria's eyes over towards Amanda.
"Well okay then," Murphy said never having been one that stayed around longer than necessary in awkward situations, "nice to meet you… Maria. And this might be useful for you."
Murphy handed Fin a post-it on his way back to his office.
"So second in command now?" Maria asked turning her attention back to Liv. Liv nodded still feeling a bit puzzled why Maria was there and what on earth caused this bizarre scene.
"Maria?"
Nick's voice suddenly rang out behind their backs.
"Hi, Nick," Maria smiled and then wrapped her arms around his neck to greet him.
"Is Zara here?" Nick asked looking around a little worried. He was afraid she would say something that would expose him and Amanda. He couldn't see his daughter anywhere near Amanda though. Amanda kept her head down. Why did she look so timid? He then realized he still had his ex's arms around him and he pulled out of her embrace.
"No, she's with your mom, they're waiting for me," Maria smiled at him.
"Uhm, then what are you doing here?" he asked a bit confounded once he was able to get out of her grip.
"I was just telling Olivia about our nice dinner last night, and I met lieutenant Murphy," Maria smiled wrapping her arm around Nick's waist as she took a place next to him. Nick wasn't sure what to do and awkwardly ended up putting his arm around her too.
"Murphy? Why would you want to meet him?" Nick said and Liv threw him a frown but then went back to looking a bit stumped.
"Oh sweetheart, why would I not want to meet your boss?" Maria said and both Nick and Liv shot her a stunned look.
"Sweetheart?" Liv blurted out. She had no idea what was going on. Had they reconciled? Was that why Nick had been in such a good and cooperative mood lately?
Maria didn't answer at first but just smiled brightly at Liv and then at Nick as she placed her palm on his chest.
"Well I'm going to spend more time in town from now on, I got a job lined up and I'll probably end up moving back so why not give it another try?" Maria smiled turning back to Liv again as Nick felt like all blood left his body in an instance.
"Oh?" Liv said.
"Yes and it's not like he's seeing anyone else is there? It would almost be a crime if he did right?" she said and Nick's eyes tried to seek out Amanda's but her face was turned down and had been since he walked in.
"I mean we're not even divorced yet," Maria added making Nick at least able to take another breathe.
Fin had already reached his limit of bitchiness a while ago but stayed seated and silent to not put his partner in an even more awkward situation but now he couldn't take it any longer. He only saw the top of his partner's head but knew she was slowly dying on the inside.
"Let's go seek out this witness Murphy dug up for us," he said a bit too loud so that everyone would hear him and he gestured at his partner. She quickly got up out of her chair, surprised her legs carried her, and then took the long way around their desks, ended up by Fin's side and he helped her along by staying on her right flank, between her and the obstacle, as they passed the other three.
"Bye," he said after Amanda had mumbled it and then bore his eyes into Nick. How and why the hell had Nick all of a sudden wrapped his ex back around his finger when he was screwing his partner? Fin was angry but right now wanted to focus on his partner. She seemed very rattled.
"Let's get a beer," he said when she waited for him to move towards his or her car.
"What about the witness?" she asked a little confused.
"There's no witness, I just said that to get us out of there," Fin said. Amanda bit down on the inside of her lip so the tears that were already threatening behind her eyes wouldn't spill. She tried to smile at her partner, she treasured him so very much.
"C'mon partner," he said putting a hand on her shoulder guiding her across the street to the nearest bar.
Inside the station Nick had distant himself from Maria, starting to feel angry about her presence there but still a little afraid she would say something to Liv in case he showed her that. He'd never seen her full blown vindictive side but he'd seen signs of it in the past. He listen to Maria and Liv exchange another few words but he could tell Liv picked up on his impatience and she excused herself as soon as she was able to.
Nick tried to keep his calm as he escorted Maria out of there. He hoped Fin and Amanda had taken off and felt relieved when he couldn't spot them outside.
"What's going on?" Maria asked a bit offended as he brought her to the side of the entrance by her arm.
"What's going on is that I don't appreciate you coming in to my place at work and act… well like you just did," he said having a hard time to find the right words as he was upset. By Amanda's demeanor Maria had clearly upset her and he didn't like that.
"Act how, I just came here to thank you for dinner last night," Maria said acting innocent.
"Yeah right," Nick huffed.
"Oh, so what was I doing?" she said crossing her arms in front of her in a defensive move.
"You know what you were doing Maria," Nick challenged as he didn't want to call his ex out on it. She gave him a provocative look though and forced his hand.
"You came here to cause trouble for me and Amanda," he said lowering his voice so no one who might walk outside would hear them.
"How… why would…," Maria started but couldn't find a good way to defend herself, "You said it was complicated between the two of you, how could I know it really was serious."
"Cause I told you that last night. Yes I said it was complicated but I also said I was very fond of her and I wanted it to work out even though it was complicated. Maybe I should've been even more forthright but I was trying to spare your feelings," Nick said.
"My feelings? What about yours? You sat outside my apartment in DC just months ago, you were the one that came to me saying you wanted me and Zara back," Maria said not able to hide her frustration any longer.
"That was months ago Maria, and I was going through a confusing time. I wanted my family back, as it was, before, but I realized it was gone. And you made that very clear once you called Liv to tell her I was stalking you."
"But I'm ready now Nick, I can move back to New York now, we can start over," she said trying to reach his face but he immediately pulled away.
"You don't want that Maria," Nick sighed.
"But I do," Maria tried but stopped when she saw Nick shake his hand.
"You want what you can't have, it's always been like that with you. You wanted a big church wedding even though we couldn't afford it, and then you wanted a nice apartment so you could show it off to your college friends. Then it was 2,5 children and a dog but you realized how hard that was, we kept Zara but the dog went back to the pound. You wanted to be a housewife and then you didn't. It was always something new, something improved. I was never enough for you Maria, what makes you think I could be a second time around?"
"I could…" she tried but couldn't come up with anything. She knew he was right.
"I love Amanda, Maria. She's what I want now. I can't have you jeopardizing that. Do you get that?" he asked boring his eyes in to her. She nodded. She felt stupid and foolish, and yes a bit humiliated but she deserved that. When Nick saw the remorse on her face he backed off. He ended up taking a step back, leaning against the hard stone wall as he took a few deep breaths. Nothing more than a silent 'I'm sorry' from Maria's lips was said and Nick went back up and the minute he sat down at his desk he tried to get in touch with Amanda. She didn't pick up so he sent her a text to please get in touch with him.
She walked in alongside Fin about an hour later. They both looked very relaxed but Nick saw Amanda's face tense up the moment she laid eyes on him. He approached her quickly. Fin gave him a harsh look and stayed nearby.
"Can we talk?" Nick asked her keeping his voice low.
"Not now," she said quickly and passed him to get to her desk. Both Fin and Amanda got to work, Murphy had handed Fin a note with some interesting bits from their victim's medical report and they had to have a closer look at the entire report.
Nick had a harder time to focus on his and Liv's case since his heart was still racing and he just had such a bad feeling about how Amanda was handling Maria's behavior earlier. And he also realized she now knew he'd been out to dinner with her and he just feared Amanda was thinking the worst. He had to head out with Liv a little later and when he came back to the station he learnt Murphy had sent Amanda and Fin home.
He tried calling her but she still wasn't picking up. He had to talk to her though so he drove by her place. He managed to get inside her building and started knocking on her door. When she didn't answer her door he tried both knocking and the phone again. He couldn't hear the phone inside her apartment but he knew she was sneaky so he wasn't convinced she wasn't in there.
Finally a neighbor popped his head out and looked annoyed by Nick's constant knocking and he realized he had to stop. He went out to sit in his car and he stayed outside her building for well over two hours hoping he would catch her coming back from a run. He tried to call her every fifteen minutes and sent numerous texts. He realized he'd crossed the line of stalking and decided to give her a break. It didn't stop him from driving around for another hour in her neighborhood hoping to spot her somewhere.
Driving back home a small hope rose that he would find her sitting on his stairs but he wasn't that lucky. No Amanda on his stairs or her car on his street. He tried making himself some dinner but really wasn't in the mood to eat so most of it remained on his plate. He'd sent one more text while cooking and then sent one more as he headed to bed. He prayed a good night's sleep would at least make her talk to him in the morning.
Amanda managed to stay away though, her case kept her out most of the day. Liv and Nick wrapped their case up, their suspect had been caught and confessed rather quickly when they had him in interrogation. Liv picked up on Nick being a bit absentminded though, he told her he'd just slept badly. She asked if it had anything to do with Maria and he gave her a wishy-washy answer, it did have something to do with Maria so it wasn't a complete lie. Liv asked him if they were getting back together but then Nick said absolutely not and Liv dropped the subject sensing it angered him.
Liv then instead moved over to the subject of Murphy. Apparently he'd been offered another undercover assignment and had walked away earlier today leaving SVU in her hands again. Nick was a bit stunned but would've probably been able to enjoy the fact his nemesis was gone more if he wasn't on such a rocky path with Amanda right now.
"Does Rollins know?" he asked Liv.
"Yeah I told her and Fin before they headed out earlier," Liv said and then added; "Why?" as she spotted the face Nick made.
"No I just, I mean they seemed to work well together," Nick said trying to act causal.
"Which you two didn't," Liv said watching her words a little. Nick threw her a look.
"He was a prick," Nick said not able to stay quiet. Liv watched him a little but didn't say anything. She still had no idea what that blow-up about a month ago was about. Nick had said some very harsh things but Murphy had told her to just drop it, that he would handle it. She wasn't sure he had handled it though.
"You'll do a much better job running this squad," Nick mumbled derailing towards his desk.
"Thanks?" Liv said a bit amused and smiled when Nick threw her a glance over his shoulder.
"You know what I mean," he said trying to smile back.
Later on Fin and Amanda finally came back in to the station. They had a few more leads and since Liv had told Nick he was now working their case with them he more or less forced Amanda to fill him in. When he tried changing the subject to personal stuff Fin cut in though, and with a bit of a reprimanding tone he told Nick to stay on the case and leave what was private outside the squad room. Nick shot him an annoyed look but backed off when Fin shot him an even fiercer look. Amanda had just stayed quiet, holding her breath during their brief exchange.
Nick got a chance later on though as he saw Amanda heading for the back rooms and he followed her down to the ladies room. He gave her about a minute but then stepped inside as he knew no one else was in there. She stepped out of a booth a few seconds after he'd entered, hesitated on her step but then proceeded across the room to wash her hands.
"It's called the ladies room for a reason," she said. He bit his cheek to not say something about her not acting like a lady. Right now he was feeling mostly angry and he knew that wasn't a good ground to start an argument on. He tried searching inside for that sadness or fear instead.
"I had dinner with her yes," he started, "but it was just because Zara wanted us to."
"Whatever," Amanda said flippant, "I don't care who you have dinner with."
"You should, and I think you do," he said and got a cross glance from her through the mirror.
"I don't know what Maria thought or what she got in her head but she had no right coming here, and I told her that. I repeated what I told her during our dinner, that I'm very fond of you and that it's you I want to be with."
He tried to ignore her eye rolls and frowns as he spoke.
"Amanda you have to believe me," he said taking a few steps towards her as she'd walked away a bit to fetch some paper towels.
"I don't have to do anything," she said with her back still turned towards him, "And you can do whatever you want Nick. Have dinner with whoever you want to, I don't care."
She'd tossed the paper towels in the bin and turned to face him. She raised an eyebrow as to ask if he got it and then made an attempt to get past him. He moved sideways though and blocked her way.
"Really?" she said looking like she didn't like this childish behavior of his. He thought she was acting just as childish though but tried to see beyond that, to the insecurities he knew lingered behind those blue eyes of hers and that heart of hers that she for some, still unknown to him, reason protected with everything she had.
"Amanda, please talk to me," he begged.
"There's nothing to talk about Nick," she said but the fact she avoided to look at him told him there was.
"Amanda," he said reaching out his hand. He withdrew it though as her entire being signaled she would bite it off if he came too close right now.
"Look Nick," she said trying her best to let her eyes stay connected with his, "it was fun, no doubt about it but you should go back to her or find someone who can give you all of that."
"I don't want her, I want you. And all of what?"
"All that kids and family and mush," she rambled a bit, "You want all that and you should be able to get all that. It's fine really. I get it."
He just stared at her forcing her to look back up at him because of course she'd failed to keep her eyes on him. She played unknowing though and made an attempt to get past him again. This time when he stepped in front of her she kept going though making them bump in to each other and then she used the palms of her hands to force him backwards a bit. When they reached the door though he put both his foot and his hand on the door frame, hindering her path.
"Let me go Nick," she said, her tone very malicious. She refused to look at him though.
"Don't do this to us," Nick begged. Amanda shook her head and looked at him.
"There's no us Nick. It's you, and it's me, there has never been an us," she said and now he started shaking his head at her.
"Amanda please don't," he said doing his best to keep his voice low but he felt a bit of a panic inside which made it hard. She forced herself past him and out through the door. He managed to grab a hold of her arm before she got too far from the door though. The look she gave him was just as malicious as her tone of voice.
"Let me go Nick," she hissed.
"Never," he said putting a very metaphoric touch to their conversation.
"It's not up to you," she said and pulled her arm out of his grip. He tried catching her again but she hurried back to the squad room and he had to stop as they reached the open area. Amanda hurried to have a seat at her desk as Nick stopped at his but he didn't sit down but just stared at her. Fin looked between the two but neither would return his glances. Amanda looked down and Nick kept looking at her.
Liv came out with a note pad in her hands.
"Okay so we need to…" she started but stopped as she picked up on the strange vibe.
"What's going on?" she said aiming it at Nick as he looked very flustered, close to angry.
"I need some air," he said grabbing his jacket roughly and stormed out not looking back.
"What…" Liv started but got shrugs from both Amanda and Fin.
"Gee," Liv sighed and then walked back in to her office. Murphy hadn't even been gone a day and she was already loosing grip on the squad.
"What's going on with him?" Fin asked Amanda once Liv was back in, yet again, her office.
"Don't ask me," Amanda said shrugging without looking back at him. Fin tilted his head and sighed. They were back to the playground again and he feared that they were here to stay this time around.
Nick didn't go outside, instead he headed down to the gym and once he'd blew some steam on the punching back he came back up. He immediately headed into Liv's office and apologized for storming out. She looked surprised but pleased with his apology and let him know everything was fine between them. Things were obviously not fine between him and Amanda but he realized pushing her was not the way to get around it. Punching the bag he had decided to step off just for a while, he wouldn't give up, he would just try another approach.
So he didn't call her that night, he did however drive by her place but fought the urge to stop and park across from her building. He'd driven by just because he wanted to lay eyes on her. He missed her. He told her that in a text later on and added that he wasn't giving up but would give her some space.
The next day he tried to focus on the case at hand and that meant working alongside her. It annoyed him slightly that she seemed perfectly fine with it while all he could think off while standing next to her was how good she smelled or how much he wanted to stroke those soft hairs on her arm that he saw while glancing over her way. Just the thought of her not having the same urges towards him any longer hurt immensely. Could she really just turn off her feelings for him like that? Had she ever had feelings for him?
He got a chance to walk out right after her after shift and tried to catch her by her car.
"C'mon Amanda let's talk," he said trying to not sound too desperate.
"There's nothing to talk about Nick," she said trying to get inside her car but once inside he held on to her door so she couldn't drive away.
"Nick," she warned.
"Amanda," he just countered forcing her to face him.
"I told you from the get-go Nick, I'm not girlfriend material, absolutely not wife material, so let's just call this off. It was fun, it was what it was," she tried.
"I don't want to call this off, I didn't expect anything from you. I was fine with how things were going," Nick said getting a little worked up.
"Were going is the key word, it's over Nick, I don't want to lose my job," she tried sounding careless but the truth was her inside were slowly crumbling now. Those pleading eyes of his, she could see she was hurting him and it, for some fucked up reason, hurt her too.
"Maria's gone," he blurted out, "If that's what the problem is, she didn't get the job here in New York so she won't move her and even if, I don't want her. I want you Amanda."
"You can't have me though, if I thought you could handle just sex then fine, we could do that but that's not what you're about…"
"What am I about, please tell me," Nick cut in.
"I saw you the other night," Amanda said, "I saw how happy you looked with Zara in your hand and, if not Maria, well then someone who can be a wife to you, a mother. That's what you want and I can't give that to you. I'm sorry Nick."
She started the car and then got the car in gear to be able to slowly start to roll. He let the door go and she took off once she'd shut it.
So she'd seen him. She'd been outside his place perhaps. She'd seen him with Maria and Zara, and yes he'd been happy. He'd been happy cause spending time with his daughter made him happy but he'd also been happy because he'd figured he would see her, see Amanda, later that night. But now everything had changed drastically. And he didn't feel happy any longer, he felt miserable. For himself but also for her. He knew how hurtful it was to see someone you loved with someone else and imagining them together. He'd been there. She had nothing to worry about though and he needed her to know that. But how could he tell her that when she wouldn't give him even a second to explain himself. Why hadn't he just been upfront and let her know he was having dinner with Maria. Then maybe all of this could've been avoided.
The following days the case kept them busy. He tried to catch her after work but she managed to sneak away every single day and then he never got a hold of her. She wasn't at home, at least she wasn't opening her door. He stopped by AJ's restaurant but find neither AJ or Amanda there. According to Gavin Amanda had been by the other night but not tonight. Nick did his best to just stay above the surface, to breathe and keep hoping it would all work out. She needed time, a bit of space but he wouldn't give up. Not yet. Not ever.
While her squad was out Liv was trying to get a good overview on the cases that were going to court in the following weeks. She'd sat down with Barba earlier that day and gone over them. He'd asked her to get the detectives ready to testify and they would have to stop by his office to make sure they knew what to say and what he would ask.
She was trying really hard to not feel overwhelmed this time around, this time she would take it step by step and she would succeed. This could work she thought as she saw the layout on her desk. Taking a deep breath and looking up though she caught a familiar face out by the gate.
Liv got up and hurried outside.
"Doctor Olivet," she called out and the psychiatrist looked over immediately getting a smile across her face as she saw Liv's familiar face.
"Sergeant Benson I've heard is the right way to address you these days, congratulation," Elizabeth Olivet smiled as she extended her hand towards Liv.
"Thank you, it's so nice to see you doctor, it's been ages," Liv said squeezing her hand fondly.
"Elizabeth please," the doctor smiled.
"What brings you here? You wanted to see me?" Liv asked. The doctor's eyes moved across the squad room a little as she spoke.
"I was actually hoping to catch detective Rollins but I was told she's out."
"Yes, yes she is," Liv said a bit concerned, "let's step into my office for a bit." The doctor followed her inside and Liv closed the door behind her.
"Why are you looking for Amanda? Didn't she show up for her sessions?" Liv asked feeling a bit worried, and a bit cross with herself for not following up on that. Again she felt as though she dropped the ball.
"Oh no she showed up, for her first two sessions at least but then she missed the third, the last one and I haven't been able to reach her, I thought if I cornered her she wouldn't be able to… well slip through my grasp," the doctor added a smile at the end to lighten the mood.
"I know what you mean," Liv said having picked up on Amanda's knack to wriggle her way out of situations or to basically fly under the radar.
"Was there, I mean did something come up during the first two sessions that made her… maybe want to skip another one," Liv tried to not sound too nosey. Elizabeth studied her for a few seconds without answering. Liv recognized the look, doctor Lindstrom gave it to her often.
"It's the doctor patient confidential agreement but I guess since you are her boss now right…" she waited to say anything else until Liv had nodded, "And since the two first sessions went really well, at least from my point of view, I find it a bit strange that she didn't show up. I just wanted to make sure she was doing okay."
"From what I know she seems fine. I haven't had time to check in with her but she's doing her job well and… she seems fine," Liv told the doctor.
"And I'm sure she is, I just really want to complete our mandatory visits," Elizabeth smiled and turned a little towards the door as to signal she was heading out of there.
"Of course, and…" Liv couldn't let the opportunity go by, "you think more sessions would be good for her?"
"Well I am a psychiatrist and of course I promote therapy," Elizabeth smiled again and Liv had to smile too.
"But Amanda…" Liv said taking them back to serious quickly, "Would she benefit from it?"
"What are you asking sergeant?" Elizabeth asked still with a hint of a smile on her face.
"I guess I'm just wondering if you've talked about anything that isn't in the file. If you discussed what's not in there?"
Judging by the narrowing of the doctor's eyes Liv got a feeling she didn't know what she was talking about.
"We've discussed the trauma of having a gun pointed at your head and some other things surrounding that case…" the doctor said a bit cryptically.
"Please if you get the chance ask her about what's not in the file," Liv said hoping she wasn't breaking what little trust the detective might have in her.
"I will but then I have to get her back in my office first," Elizabeth said smiling again.
"Of course," Liv said nodding, "I'll make sure she gets in touch with you."
"Thank you sergeant," the doctor said reaching for the door.
"I'm the one that's grateful," Liv said after her. Once she'd left Liv took a deep breath. She didn't look forward to confronting Amanda but she would, and in a calm and compassionate manner she promised herself.
After shift that day Liv decided to buy her small squad a beer. They'd caught a suspect in their current case even though they had a non-compliant victim and it looked as though they could win her over finally. Amanda had done a good job convincing her and Fin and Nick had got the suspect to confess to, if not the entire crime, parts of the crime. It was a job well done and Liv would make sure she made her squad know this.
Amanda had needed a bit of convincing to come out with them but Fin had helped win her over. Liv was worried it had something to do with the fact she'd confronted her about missing a session with doctor Olivet. Amanda had said she'd completely forgot being wrapped up in the current case and all and Liv had no reason to mistrust her. Liv just wanted to make sure she got there for the third and final mandatory session. Amanda promised she would call Olivet.
They'd been at the bar for close to two hours. Everything ran smoothly in Liv's eyes. Sure both Nick and Amanda seemed a little disconnected but she figured the stress of the case might just have gotten to them. Fin talked for all of them though.
Nick just focused on trying to keep up with the conversation at the table while not letting his eyes wander over at Amanda. What he most of all wanted was just to talk to her, that she would just listen to him and not come with all those stupid excuses. Not being girlfriend material? What kind of joke was that? She was gorgeous, fun to be around, she loved sports, was dedicated to her work and she loved sex even more than he did. That mix, to him, was the best girlfriend material he could think off.
Amanda had a constant panic in her gut and it took every ounce of effort in her to try and keep up a composed front. It took a lot of strength to try and zoom out that constant nagging voice, sounding freakily like her mother's voice, in the back of her head. The one that told her she was stupid and a failure. She felt so very alone. She had Fin of course, he was her constant but now Murphy had left and Liv was back in charge. She'd missed a session with Olivet and of course Liv had found out. It was just a matter of time before she would be on Liv's bad side again.
And Nick… she'd screwed that up. Of course. She couldn't focus on anything right now and because of what… a guy? That wasn't her.
That was her mom. Totally devastated over yet another guy that had left her even though she'd tried so hard to make it work. She'd cooked, cleaned and done his laundry. She'd showered him with compliments and 'I love you's and for what? To be left in a blubbering pile of tears, snot and booze. It didn't matter if the guy was a creep, what he'd done to either her mom or her kids. Always the tears and days, at times weeks, of grieving.
No that wasn't Amanda. She could function without a guy. She was independent, self-sufficient and not in need of anyone. So why did this feel so awful? Why did Nick avoiding to look at her feel so bad?
Liv was keeping track of how many beers that had gone down her blonde detective's throat. She knew she was head to head with Fin, and she knew better than to judge. But she also knew there was a rather big difference in body mass between the two. While Liv had sat there, trying her best to be the good and committed boss she wanted to be, and thought everything ran smoothly she'd suddenly lost track of her youngest detective.
"Woh," Liv said a bit stunned once her eyes found her over at the bar. Both Nick's and Fin's eyes followed her gaze and landed on Amanda but not just Amanda but also the guy she'd locked lips with. They weren't exactly modest either. Amanda's hands were up in the guy's hair while his hands were roaming her lower back and ass.
"Not that I object… kissing, but has she had a little too much to drink?" Liv said turning to Fin on her left. She tried to keep it discreet but she was concerned.
"I'll handle it," Fin said after having shot Nick a quick glance. Liv got up so Fin could get out of his seat. Liv shot Nick a look as she sat back down, his eyes were glued to the scene at the bar though.
"Hey," Fin said trying to get her attention but she was rather absorbed to say the least.
"Amanda, hey," he said louder now at least gaining the guy's attention.
"What?" he asked sounding about as dumb-ass as he looked in Fin's eyes. But then again he was rather sure Amanda hadn't picked him for his intelligence.
"I was talking to the lady," Fin said.
"Well she's busy," he grinned and looked as though he was about to lock lips with Amanda again.
"Dude," Fin said but then grabbed a hold of Amanda's shoulder to get her to look at him.
"What the fuck…" the guy started but Amanda patted his chest a little.
"What do you want Fin?" she asked. He could tell by her eyes and slurred speech she was drunker than he'd been aware off.
"We want you back at the table," Fin said.
"Yeah right," Amanda snickered, "I'm not sitting back down with those two. They hate me. I rather stay somewhere where I'm loved."
Amanda turned back around with a smile and the guy wasted no time claiming her mouth again. Amanda had to give it to him, he was a really good kisser. Not at Nick's standard but still good.
Fin wasn't really sure what to do but got a little help from the bartender.
"Hey you drink at the bar or scram," he said as he put two new beers in front of the two making out. Both Amanda and the guy chuckled but at least they let each other go.
"Why don't you come with me," Fin suggested as Amanda tasted her beer. Fin had a hard time keeping his eyes on Amanda as the guy was giving him creepy smiles behind her back and his hand sneaked down inside the back of her pants. Amanda seemed totally unaware which angered Fin even more.
"I'm fine right here Fin," she said.
"You're drunk," he said.
"We're at a bar," she said rolling her eyes.
"If this is about Nick…" Fin started but she cut him off.
"This is not about a guy," she said sounding offended.
"What about me?" the guy jumped in and made Amanda giggle. Fin hated that girlish, phony giggle. He could stand it whenever she used it to lure a perp but like this it hit him like nails on a chalkboard.
"Are we okay here?" Liv's voice suddenly interrupted.
"Yeah," Fin said as he watched Amanda straighten up. Liv shot her a look but didn't say anything to her. Liv felt a little uncomfortable at the situation, she wasn't sure how to handle this as a boss. Once it looked as though Fin had a handle on the situation, it had played out a little differently watching it from a far, she figured she should get out of there to spare Amanda any embarrassment. She just wanted to make sure though that Fin had it under control.
"I got her," Fin said seeing the question in Liv's eyes, "Thanks for tonight boss."
She'd grabbed her jacket so Fin just assumed she was on her way out. He could understand her predicament.
"Night Fin," Liv said sending him a smile and a brief squeeze on his arm, "Night Amanda." She exchanged a quick glance with Amanda. Amanda gave her a nod. Fin could tell she'd sobered up quickly and the guy's arm were no longer around her back. Liv headed out and Amanda exhaled, something she hadn't been able to do since she'd heard her boss' voice. What was she doing?
It didn't take long once Liv had left until Nick forced his way towards the bar. Fin saw him coming and just knew this would be ugly. He tried to brace Nick by holding up his hands but Nick was determined. He grabbed Amanda by the arm, Fin saw her flinch and knew it must've hurt some. He knew that if Nick became violent he would not hesitate to have Amanda's back but as Nick immediately let go Fin step a little to the side hoping they could solve this on their own.
"Come outside with me," Nick asked as she turned a little towards him.
"I got nothing to say to you," she said turning back. Nick met the eyes of the guy standing next to her. Nick had seen him glancing his way ever since Nick stepped up and now the guy snickered a little as he put his arm around her shoulders.
"Get your hands off her," Nick close to shouted.
"What's your problem man?" the guy said acting all innocent.
"Leave me be Nick," Amanda said sensing trouble in the air. She turned all the way around towards him and away from the bar making the guy's arm fall off her. He turned too though apparently wanting his part in this which didn't help Nick calm down one bit.
"Just move on Nick," Amanda said slurring a little.
"Yeah move on Nick," the guy next to her mimicked.
"Who are you?" Nick said getting in his face a little. The guy wasn't slow to respond.
"Seems I'm your replacement," he snickered and Fin took a deep breath as he got ready to jump in. If Nick didn't punch this obnoxious guy he would.
"You? I didn't think anyone could be as dumb as you looked but I was apparently wrong. If you believe you deserve her then your teeth are brighter than you are," Nick hissed.
Amanda couldn't help but let out a brief chuckle but then she remembered why she was doing this. This was to get Nick to realize she wasn't worth his time and she stepped between the two.
"Look Nick, I'm sorry but I'm just not the girl for you," she said.
"You don't get to decide that," he said sounding less angry but more desperate as he addressed her.
"Well I do actually, I decide who I want to be with and right now it's this guy," she said taking a step back ending up in the other guy's arms. Nick shook his head looking a bit desperate but there was also a flare in his dark eyes as he watched the guy grope her in front of him.
"Get your hands off her," Nick said slapping away his hand off her breast. Emotions flared for a few seconds as the two men, if you could call the obnoxious guy a man, looked ready to get into a fight. Fin would've let Nick loose if it weren't for the fact his partner was in the middle of the two and she didn't look sober enough to defend herself at the moment. Fin got in front of her and boxed Nick backwards. Nick tried to get passed him but Fin used his large frame to get him out of there.
"Fin I have to…" Nick said out of breath once out on the curb but he couldn't finish the sentence. He'd gestured back inside but his hand fell down to his side. He looked defeated.
"Another day my friend, let me deal with her tonight," Fin said. Nick watched him for a few long seconds.
"Make sure she doesn't do anything she'll regret," Nick then said quietly as he backed away.
"I will," Fin reassured him.
Nick lingered long enough to see his back disappear inside again. He wanted to go inside but he knew he couldn't take seeing her with that guy. Why was she doing this? Why did she have to destroy the good thing they had? He turned and started to walk down the street away from this whole awful situation he knew he'd helped to create.
Once back inside Fin found that the guy and Amanda had moved a little further down the bar. The guy had apparently found a chair and Amanda was more or less sitting in his lap. Fin made his way over to them.
"Let's go Amanda," Fin said.
"Man how many guys do you have swooning over you?" the guy joked and Amanda chuckled, "I'm not sure I have the strength to fight many more off."
"Well you better save some energy for me," Amanda said flirting viciously.
"Oh don't you worry," the guy grinned and caught her mouth.
"Amanda," Fin said sternly.
"What the fuck…" the guy complained as he let Amanda's mouth go.
"It's okay, this one's no problem," Amanda said getting down of the guys lap with a reassuring hand on his chest. She turned to Fin with a bright smile over her entire face.
"I'm fine Fin," she said, "You know I'm a big girl and I'm exactly where I want to be."
Her eyes were half way hidden by her eyelids though, Fin recognized the visual signs of intoxication. He wasn't surprised, she hadn't eaten well this entire week. She patted Fin's chest a bit sloppily and were about to turn back to the guy when Fin made her turn back around as he said her name again.
"You're right, you are a big girl," he said seriously, "And I'm talking to you as an adult now. I'm not your dad. I am a friend however and I'm asking you to wise up. You can lie to yourself all you want but you can't lie to me. I'm giving you an option here, you can stay with this slob or you can come with me right now. I will only ask you once but I'm really hoping you'll decide to walk out of here with me, right now."
He looked at her seriously. Most of all he wanted to just carry her out of there but he knew that would only leave her in another situation just like this further down the line. It was up to her to change her ways, he could only offer an opportunity to do so, she would have to walk the walk. Amanda's eyes had for a moment completely disappeared underneath her eyelids as she'd lowered her head. Fin saw the guy behind her, he was saying something but neither he nor Amanda heard him, Amanda felt his hand snake around her hip though. It was not the touch of the man she wanted to be touched by. She looked back up at Fin, he saw a glimmer in her eyes. He knew she was too stubborn for her own good.
"Do you want to get out of here with me?" he asked once more even though he'd said he would only ask that one time. She nodded though and he grabbed her shoulder, dragging her first against him and then pushed her passed him. The guy got up off his chair and reached for her but Fin got in the way, opening his jacket a little and the guy caught sight of his badge and immediately backed off.
"Wise up won't you? And get a better barber for Christ sake," Fin said before turning to head out after Amanda. He caught her by the door and helped her get it open. She swayed stepping out on the curb and he grabbed a hold of her to keep her upright. He waved down a cab quickly and got her inside. He let her rest her head against his chest as they drove towards his place. No one said anything, he just held his arm around her and let his other hand gently stroke the side of her head.
Once the cab reached its destination he paid and then helped her outside. He got her upstairs, got her shoes off and then led her straight to the bathroom. He left her there for a few minutes, leaving the door open so he could hear if she fell over and then went out to fetch some sheets for his couch. She was more than welcomed to sleep in his bed, they'd shared a bed before but with alcohol in both systems it was really a gamble. They'd been close to doing the deed in the past, they were both very sexual beings and even though he was rather sure their partnership could survive such a mishap the situation had changed drastically now that she'd hooked up with Nick. Fin did not want to be added to whatever it was going on there. No she would sleep on the couch from now on to keep the temptation at bay for both of them.
He heard a familiar sound from the bathroom just as he was done dressing the couch. He hurried back inside to find her hunched down over the toilet bowl. Her hair was thankfully already tied back but he stroke her bangs back feeling the dampness of her forehead.
"Oh boo," he sighed as he got up to wet a towel to use on her face. She threw up one more time and was left dry heaving over the bowl until he got down next to her.
"I hate puking," she whispered as her head popped up.
"I know," he said using the towel gently over her face.
"Hold this while I get you some water," he said handing her the towel as he got back up again. He let her rinse her mouth a few times and then just sat there with her for a while until they were sure she wouldn't puke more. When he thought she was completely done he got her up on shaky legs. He got her out of there, stopped in the bedroom to get her into one of his tees. She helped out as well as she could getting undressed and then he quickly pulled the tee over her head. He got her out to the couch and tucked her in. He got her two glasses of water and put them on the table along with two Alka-Seltzer tablets for the morning as well as a box of crackers. It was his own hang-over cure and he hoped it would work for her in the morning.
She looked really small and pitiful tucked down on his couch. She didn't say anything but her eyes spoke volumes.
"Go to sleep partner, it will look brighter in the morning I promise," he said as he kept stroking the side of her head. He watched her close her eyes and started moving his hand slower and even gentler until he could see her entire body relax as she drifted to sleep.
"Sleep well partner," he whispered as he planted a kiss on her head and slowly moved away from the couch.
Things didn't look that much brighter the next morning though. Sure the sun was brighter than usual and hurt her eyes immensely but once the hung-over symptoms started to disappear nothing seemed bright any longer. They thankfully didn't have to be in until later that day and thankfully Amanda was rather good at covering how bad she really felt. Years of gambling into the late night, drinking and smoking meanwhile, meant she had experience of pretend to be anything but worn down. Her eyes could give her away at times though, they couldn't hide the truth.
But when you felt ashamed as well it was rather easy to keep your head down which Amanda felt forced to walking back into the station. Liv of course seemed extra interested in her state this new day and of course she had to remind Amanda to call doctor Olivet. Nick wouldn't even look at her though. He didn't look hurt any longer, he just looked angry. His jaw was set which made his entire face look as though it was cut out of stone. It showed of his good features though and her eyes peeked his way ever so often.
She no longer found any missed calls on her phone, no texts either. She tried to pretend she was happy about that though. It was after all what she'd wanted, she'd wanted him to find his happiness somewhere else. She wanted nothing but the best for him and she knew that she, sooner or later, would not be able to give him what he wanted in life.
Somehow she managed to get in touch with doctor Olivet though and they made arrangements for her third, and final as Amanda pointed out, session later that week. Olivet could tell from the moment Amanda walked in to her office that she was tense, that she seemed wired up. Once she'd finally taken her seat on the couch Olivet noticed how hard it was for her to sitstill, like she couldn't find a comfortable spot to sit in. She was fidgeting with her hands as well.
Olivet spent the first part of the session just trying to connect with Amanda who seemed very reluctant to talk about… well anything. Olivet got flashbacks from her very first encounter with Amanda, she'd acted somewhat the same back then but had a more aggressive tone. Back then she made it very clear she didn't want to, and didn't need, to be there. This time though Olivet got a feeling that she, even with the restlessness in her body and her short answers, wanted to be there and perhaps it was something she wanted to get off her chest.
"Last session we touched a little on how you seem to need adrenalin rushes," Olivet said carefully, "Remember?" She got Amanda to look up briefly and she nodded.
"You said that you liked that kick, that rush you get when blood is pumping and especially when you manage to bring a perp down. Is that something you remember from your childhood? Not taking down perps, I hope," Olivet made Amanda smile briefly, "but the adrenalin rushes. Did you have that need even before joining the force?"
She had to wait for the answer, almost to the point she didn't think Amanda would answer, but then she finally answered by nodding.
"Can you tell me about that?" Olivet asked. Amanda took a deep breath and seemed to float into the couch a little more relaxed.
"I was the kid that would jump off a roof with an umbrella because no one else dared to try if it really worked. It doesn't by the way," Amanda said and made Olivet smile this time around.
"And I competed a lot, like everything was a competition."
"Was it the rush you were after or the win?" Olivet asked and could tell Amanda thought hard about it.
"A little bit of both I guess. It was hard to win at times cause I competed with... like the boys or older kids, but just to be able to do it was enough to please me since everyone always told me I couldn't or that I shouldn't."
"That you couldn't compete with the boys?" Olivet asked to make sure she got it right and Amanda nodded.
"Who told you you shouldn't?" Olivet asked and caught Amanda's blues for a while.
"Like everyone," Amanda finally answered folding her eyes down to her hands again that was fidgeting a little on her lap. Olivet got a hunch the answer was a cop out, that she just didn't want to go deeper into it. She would try and bring it up again if she got the chance.
"And what was it about competing that you liked? I mean except the part about beating the boys because I'm pretty sure you succeeded at least at times," Olivet said smiling.
"Yeah I did," Amanda reminisced with a smile but then got a serious look on her face, "but I guess it was about existing, like to prove I was there and that I was a contender. I wanted to prove people wrong, that I really could do it. Nothing would hold me back."
"Who tried to hold you back?" Olivet asked immediately connection with Amanda's eyes.
"It's not important," Amanda decided to answer and folded her eyes down again.
"How about letting me decide if it's important or not?" Olivet tried.
"Look, where I grew up a girl was supposed to be a girl, you were expected to act and dress a certain way. It was no big deal, you just had to be strong to… sorta break the mold," Amanda said. It was a bit of a lie, it wasn't really the place she grew up in but more her household. She remembered her moms constant complaints about her not acting like a proper girl.
"And you were strong enough to break that mold," Olivet said more as a statement than a question.
"I at least tried, it's not a big deal," Amanda said more as a sigh.
Olivet tried to probe a bit more, to get further but Amanda more or less clamped up. She tried to get back to her need for adrenalin rushes but Amanda kept quiet so she tied it to what Amanda had said about breaking molds. She tried to find out if Amanda liked to break the mold she was in now. If there was other ways she could find a way to prove her existence.
"Don't…" Amanda warned but took a breath to calm down a bit before she continued, "it's no use with me. You can talk all you want and you can try and fix me but it's no use. This is who I am and I won't change and it's a waste trying. Just leave me be. I'm… fine."
Olivet just watched her until it got uncomfortable for Amanda and she started to squirm a bit.
"What?" Amanda spat out knowing the doctor was just dying to say something.
"Can I be frank?" Olivet asks.
"Aren't you always?" Amanda muttered.
"I'll take that as a yes, I think what you just said is… complete crap."
Amanda had to raise her eyebrows a bit, doctor Olivet had never been quite that frank before.
"Not the part that you're fine and that you don't need anyone to fix you, I believe you and I won't argue. But Amanda if you want to change you can. Not much in life is constant. I'm not saying you have to change if you don't want to but if you want to… you can."
It was Amanda's turn to study the doctor for a bit.
"But what if… I mean, what if people saw that as a weakness, what if they thought you were weakening then?"
"Change isn't necessarily a weakness Amanda, to not run into the fire to save someone but instead try and fight the fire to save someone is still courageous," Olivet said sincerely.
Amanda knew the doctor was still talking about her need for adrenaline rushes but Amanda was just thinking about Nick. She knew she feared what would happen if she told him she loved him. What he could do to her heart if she let him in. But he was already in wasn't he? And now she'd ruined what they had.
"Amanda?" Olivet said softly bringing her back to present.
"Do you want to change?" she asked holding Amanda's eyes. Amanda swallowed hard. It got too much for her to hold on to the doctor's eyes and looking sideways she caught the sight of the clock on the wall.
"Our time is up," Amanda whispered. Olivet turned to look as well, she usually had a good feeling for when she started to reach the end of the session but today she'd lost track. Maybe it had something to do with the fact Amanda was her last patient for the day and she didn't mind running the session a little longer. Olivet smiled a little as she thought how in character it was for Amanda to not want to sit longer than necessary though.
"Look," Olivet said as Amanda got up out of the couch, "how about we arrange a few more visits. Three was mandatory but it's not uncommon at all that I schedule more, I'm sure your sergeant would sign off on it too." Olivet knew she hadn't even touched on the matter Olivia had brought up, about what had happen during the raid that wasn't in the file. She hadn't had time to touch on it as she'd find other interesting clues to untangle. She really hoped she'd get more chances to try and dig deeper in this case.
"I'm not…" Amanda said a bit hesitant as she moved towards the door, "I'm not sure… I mean I don't think that's necessary. I'm not sure this is what I need."
Amanda tried a smile towards the doctor, she felt as though she wanted to reassure her she was okay.
"But just know Amanda, that my door is open," Olivet said staying planted in her chair.
"Yeah sure," Amanda said remembering a time when Olivet's door hadn't been open for her.
"Bye doctor," Amanda whispered and sneaked out leaving Olivet feeling a bit disappointed she hadn't been able to reach Amanda.
But even though Olivet felt she hadn't reached Amanda she had in a way. Amanda's thoughts were racing. She thought of change, of her feelings for Nick and what a screw-up she was. Thinking had never been especially good for her and this time was no different. She tried sharing at GA meetings, running, she went to the gym, she hung out at the back of AJ's restaurant and she drank. Nothing helped in her attempts to get rid of her thoughts but then she suddenly found herself outside a gambling establishment and all of sudden... she stopped thinking.
ps. doctor Olivet walking into the squad room is a total rip-off from the sequel to 'My Own Army'. I'm working simultaneous on that one and since you wanted to "witness" Amanda's sessions I felt it worked in this fanfic too. Just a slight tease for the sequel that I'm so happy some of you are waiting for as well.
