I Am Not!
Chapter 8: I Am NOT a Good Boy!
A/N: This sort of broke my writer's block…though I don't know if it turned out that great. Oh well. :P Next is Hidan, then Kakuzu, then a bonus chapter to wrap things up!
When Kisame had effectively chased Zetsu away with his 'vomit water,' Tobi took to the stage, swinging the mike around. Once in the center, Tobi cocked his head in an impossibly cute way.
"Hi, everyone!" Tobi said brightly, waving and bouncing on the balls of his feet.
"Hi, Tobi!" the crowd called back.
"Figures he'd be good with people, un," Deidara said, scowling.
"It's his bubbly personality. People are drawn to it brat," Sasori said.
"I thought you two were screwing around in the men's room?" Kisame asked.
"WE WERE NOT SCREWING!" Sasori and Deidara said as one. The shark nin sweat dropped.
"Eh…right."
"Be quiet and watch a mastermind at work," Pein said. Everyone behind stage looked at the leader.
"I mean…just shut up," Pein blurted, and pointed to Tobi. The rest of Akatsuki followed his finger where the bumbling idiot was swaying on the balls of his feet.
"Zetsu says that Tobi is a good boy," the masked moron said, "but I have a secret."
Tobi's voice dropped several octaves and he leaned forward. The crowd held its breath, everyone on the edge of their seats.
"Tobi…is NOT a good boy."
The crowd gasped as one. Someone stood up.
"NO! Tobi is always a good boy!" a fangirl cried in disbelief.
"Unless he's raping the transvestite," a fanboy muttered to his friend.
"I HEARD THAT UN!" Deidara snarled, stomping out onto the stage. Sasori pulled the infuriated blond back with a sigh.
"Tobi is not a good boy, you see, because he steals candy out of Deidara-senpai's junk drawer when he's not looking…"
"WHAT? Tobi you asshole!"
Tobi jumped upon hearing his senpai yell. But Pein urged him on so Tobi kept talking, striding across the stage with the microphone pressed against his eye hole.
"Tobi has more things to say too! Tobi is NOT wearing a deflated basketball on his head! And it's not a pumpkin or a lollipop either! That's silly!"
The masked nin stopped and stared down at the floor. Scuttling along the wood was a little bug. Tobi let out a high pitched scream and ran in a circle, flailing his arms.
"AAAAGH!"
"Someone help him," Pein sighed, looking at the group crowded around him.
"Fuck that shit! Let the moron make a fool of himself!" Hidan spat.
"But he's wasting our time," Sasori said, watching the masked idiot run in circles like a dog trying to catch its own tail.
An unlikely hero, however, came up on the stage: Shino gently picked up the insect and it perched atop his forefinger.
"It's a pill bug. It won't hurt you," Shino murmured.
Tobi stopped and walked towards the Aburame kid. Shino held the bug up to him and he jumped backwards.
"Ew, gross!"
Shino sighed and got off the stage, slinking back to his seat and radiating emo waves.
"Tobi, get on with it, un!" Deidara hissed from the side.
"Oh…right…Tobi…Tobi is NOT a good boy!"
"You already said that!" Kisame whispered.
"Tobi…is…um, oh yeah! Tobi is not Obito!"
Kakashi, who was a few rows behind Shino, jumped to his feet.
"You're not? Then why did I have to turn chibi for that Kakashi Gaiden special?"
"Tobi is NOT Obito, you silly perv! And…Tobi is not Kakashi's gay lover!"
Tobito theorists cried in dismay, all their plans foiled.
"Tobi is also not mentally retarded, severely disfigured or deranged! Tobi is not a child trapped in a man's body! Tobi thinks that's mean! Tobi is NOT Zetsu-san's uke or senpai's seme!"
"Damn right," Deidara said, smirking at Sasori.
Zetsu's head sprouted out of the stage, his gold eyes oddly shiny.
"Doesn't Tobi love his Zu Zu?"
"Kisame," Pein said, and the shark nin begrudgingly chased Zetsu away with a blast of water.
"Tobi is NOT Madara either."
'Tobi is Madara' theorists, at least those that kept up with the manga, scratched their heads in confusion.
"Who the fuck's Madara?" Hidan asked.
"Ahem," Itachi cleared his throat, slipping on his bifocals and pulling a long scroll out of thin air, "he's my great, great, great, great, great…"
"Friend of the family," Konan answered, talking over Itachi.
"When did you get here?" Sasori asked the kunoichi. Konan smirked at the puppet.
"Have fun screwing around in the men's bathroom?
"WE WEREN'T SCREWING UNNNN!" Deidara howled.
"Tobi isn't Madara, and Tobi isn't the real leader of Akatsuki! That would make Tobi a liar and OOC, and Tobi is NOT that either!"
"What the fuck is that idiot talking about?" Hidan hissed, looking to Pein for answers.
"I really have no idea. I think he's about done, it's your turn, so…knock 'em dead!" Pein said, nudging Hidan forward.
"Fuck, alright!"
"Can Tobi go home now?" Tobi asked, cocking his head.
"Hey…pst. Tobi," someone hissed in the front row.
"Yes?" Tobi answered. Orochimaru appeared near the stage, holding out an assortment of…
"Want some candy?" the snaky man offered. Tobi cheered and started to grab the sweets.
"Yay Tobi loves candy!"
Orochimaru grabbed hold of Tobi and ran off with him, the microphone falling to the stage floor. The Akatsuki watched the pedophile haul Tobi away.
"Someone should go rescue him," Pein said halfheartedly. No one did.
