Hmm, I just realised I haven't wrote this in order XD Oh well. I won't mention the fight with Wesker, Sheva and Chris again, just the second boss fight with Wesker.
Thanks to Zombiegirl2007, lil-creator, palomino333 and DarkWolf3000 for the reviews :3
"Look!" Chris said pointing to a screen which showed an assault bomb in the cockpit. "An assault bomb of love!"
"What?" said Sheva. "That's what Wesker's using to spread Uroboros, right?"
"No, he wants to spread the love!" replied Chris happily. "He'll drop teddies and sweets and cuddles for all. Look!" he pointed to a figure on screen. "There's Wesker! Lets go thank him!"
"Chris I don't think he wants to spread the love-" Sheva began, but Chris cut her off by grabbing her hand and dragging her forwards.
Prod prod. Prod. Prod.
"CRUMPETS!" yelled Kenichi waking with a start. "What is it, Nemesis?"
"STARS," said Nemmy pointing to Chris and Sheva who were waiting to be directed by the director who was snoozing in his chair.
"Skip the next scene." waved Kenichi, his head dropping on his shoulder again.
"Why?" asked Chris. "We've already filmed it, but don't we have to do it again?"
"Pigs are flying, that's why the price of bacon is going up," shrugged Kenichi falling asleep again.
"You're the boss," said Chris saluting and taking his place ready for the second fight with Wesker. Wesker penitently rocked backwards and forwards singing, "It's not that easy being a badass with cool shades and hot moves" to the tune of, "it's not that easy being green."
"Maybe if we switch all the lights off, he'll bump into things!" Sheva said cleverly.
"Alright, lets get the lights."
They raced off to pull the switches, plunging everything into darkness. Wesker looked around stupidly, shouting lines to them which made no sense such as "my banana is bent!" and "give me back my plug socket!" because the dark made him crazy.
"Why doesn't he take his glasses off?" whispered Sheva as they hid behind a corner.
"He only takes them off when he wants to be badass," replied Chris. "He keeps them on when he's sleeping too. And in the shower."
"Oh." said Sheva as Wesker walked into a wall and bounced off, knocking himself out. "He's clumsy in the dark isn't he? He keeps walking into things."
"Like McDonalds," nodded Chris and they both giggled.
"I heard that!" shouted Wesker. "The dark doesn't stop me hearing you know!"
Sheva found an RPG round just laying there on the floor, you know, like you do, and passed it to Chris. He shouldered the rocket launcher and aimed at Wesker. Unfortunately, he and Chuck Norris are the same person, so he caught the rocket launcher and struggled with it for a few moments. Chris threw a paper airplane at him and it exploded, but failed to kill him for some reason. Hmm.
"Hold still Wesker!" shouted Chris barging up to him with a needle.
"Yes mum," said Wesker, dazed as Chris plunged the needle into his shoulder. He giggled and staggered backwards, pulling the needle out and throwing it away.
"I'm so angry, I'm going to take my glasses off!" seethed Wesker, pulling his shades down and glaring at Chris as the world began to spin like he was as drunk as a rat. "I'm telling my mum now!"
Wesker ran away in tears and humped on the plane; Chris rushed forwards and tripped over his own feet.
"He's getting away!" said the face-down Chris who couldn't push himself up because his muscles were so big. "He's jumping like Mario too! Quick get him before he eats the mushrooms!"
Together they ran, but because Sheva is the stupidly stereotypical weaker woman, she couldn't catch up with Chris.
"Go on without me!" she gasped, pulling out an inhaler and taking a breath, clutching a stitch in her side.
"Sheva! Come on!" yelled Chris. "Here! Hold onto my penis if you want to live!" he threw his penis to her and she gingerly took it in both hands and was dragged onto the plane with him moments before it took off. Minutes later, they noticed Wesker in a heap on the floor sucking his thumb.
"It seems I may have underestimated you, Chris," he hissed, punching the wall because he was so sexually frustrated. Standing up, he delved into a speech. "Soon, we reach the big word meaning the most, then I deploy my missile bomb of love! The whole world will love each other! And they'll love me! Their new leader! We'll sing 'He's got the whole world in his hands' and dance round a fire! Wouldn't you like that, Chris? Complete global fap-tuation?"
Before Chris had managed to reply, Wesker yelled, "FAAAAALCON... PUUUUNCH!" and dashed forwards ready to impale Chris with his peni… hands.
"What the hell, man!" yelled Chris as he teddy bear rolled out the way. "Fuck you playing at? You wanna spread the love, don't you?"
"Yes, but I'm not really into gay stuff," he said as Sheva shrieked and hid behind a metal pillar. After many stupid quick time events that liked to change every time, Chris managed to slam Wesker's hand into the wall as the plane began to open.
Wesker began squealing because the wind resistance was messing up his hair as the plane plummeted towards a volcano because there are loads of volcanoes in Africa according to my clever friend.
"No!" yelled Wesker as he hit the wall and bounced off. He grabbed Sheva's leg as she gripped onto a metal bar to stop herself falling and used this excuse to look up her skirt like an old perv. "I'm taking the two of you with me! I want your hair to get messy too!"
"Like hell it will!" shouted Sheva pulling a gun from a questionable place. "I use V05 hair gel!"
She fired a bullet into his face, causing him to scream like a girl who had seen spider and release his grip on Sheva's leg.
CRASH. OR WHATEVER NOISE A PLANE WOULD MAKE CRASHING INTO A VOLCANO.
Moments later, the pair emerged from the flaming wreckage that was formally the plane.
Clunk clunk clunk.
Wesker staggered on screen in a needlessly loud fashion. Chris's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates at the sight of Wesker's toplessness.
"My pants are getting tighter," he grunted, keeling over slightly. Wesker felt violated and abused as he wasn't used to this fan service, so he angrily punched the Uroboros container in anger and allowed the virus to spread up his arms in the form of tentacles.
"Prepare… to get tentacle raped, Chris!" he hissed. Chris squealed and jumped into Sheva's arms, a bit like Scooby Doo. She groaned, threw him to the floor, pulled out a handgun and began pathetically picking away at the fan service, tentacle ridden Wesker.
"Fall back!" cried Chris, running away. Sheva stumbled and looked around confused, then followed.
"You'll never take me alive!" Chris yelled, darting across a bridge made of rock which crumbled because his huge muscles weighed it down. "Zomigawd! Sheva! Shoot him, I'll meet you at the other side!"
Sheva sighed and aimed her rifle, shooting his shoulder. Stupid AI can't aim for shit.
Chris's path was obstructed by a boulder, if he was going to pass to the other side, he needed to do something about it. He scratched his head for a minute, feeling Wesker creep closer, his big tentacles ready to kill. He played ip-dip-do and rolled some dice, then played a game of dominoes in an attempt to help him decide.
"That's it!" he said, pointing to the air. "FAAAAALLLCCOOON… PUUUUNNNCCCHHH!"
He repeatedly smashed his fist into the rock, rolling it backwards and into the lava to use as a stepping stone. Sheva was at the other side, beckoning him forwards. They ran to Wesker who was at a high point, waving his tentacles and his deformed arm around. A bit like Krauser, which made every Wesker fan die a bit inside and cry. -reaches for a tissue-
"Look!" said Sheva, pointing her handgun at a glowing orangey red orb protruding from Wesker's chest. "That… thing has a heart!"
"Wesker has a heart!?" gasped Chris. "Zomigawd!"
They pathetically began picking away at it with their handguns as Wesker laughed in a Saturday morning TV villain way.
"Why the FUCK don't we use our rocket launchers?" asked Chris.
"Good FUCKING point!" said Sheva, pulling hers out and aiming. "Why the FUCK are we swearing?"
"Cos this game is an 18, we can, bitch!"
There was an explosion as the pair fired their rockets at Wesker, causing him to stagger back into the lava. A chopper could be heard up ahead. They glanced upwards to see Jill leaning over.
"Grab on!" she said, throwing them a ladder. Chris let Sheva go first so he could look at her arse. I mean, because he was a gentleman, then followed.
Wesker emerged from the lava and noticed Chris and Sheva climb their way into the chopper with Capcom's logo on the side.
"CAPCOM!!!" he roared angrily. "WHY DID YOU KILL ME OFF!?!? UNGG!" he wrapped his tentacles round the chopper and tugged, pulling it to the floor.
The helicopter crashed and all but Wesker died. The end.
Okay, that didn't happen. The trio were thrown about inside the chopper, Jill pointed to the two rocket launchers on the wall.
"Use those!" she said. They took them off the wall and aimed.
"Suck on this Wesker," said Chris, unzipping his fly.
"No! that's for the late night version!" said Sheva. He zipped himself back up and together they fired the RPG rounds at him.
…killing him. And earthquake was caused as Wesker fan girls across the world threw their controls angrily into the wall.
"That was for our fallen brothers," said Sheva. They rook their seats and sighed with relief. Their journey was over.
More an more I find myself wondering if it's all worth fighting for. A Resident Evil future without Wesker. They can't whore him out anymore at least. He smiled as he looked out the window at the bright sun, reflecting in the clear blue, calm sea. Yeah. It's worth it.
The stories over! :o
BUT I have two more chapters in mind. Last chapter will be explained in the next one, I would love it if you all took part (:
