Unmei no Haguruma
(Wheel of Fate)
Part VIII: Admission
Takani Megumi was never good at admitting when she was wr—... she was wro—... when she was not right about something. She knew it was true; her mentor's words hit the part of her which knew better.
~They're wrong,~ she thought to herself after the doctor had left her alone in his clinic at her insistence.
She had not responded to him for a long time; she had asked that he go on to dinner and she would fend for herself. She'd reinforced her insistence that the others not find out she was there. "Bad enough you two know; bringing anyone else in would only complicate it further!" The doctor had agreed, reluctantly, and Megumi had wandered into the streets, finding herself at a small, anonymous noodle shop. She stared into her udon and sighed.
~It's the truth. I've known it for a long time... I'm not in love with Kensan, not anymore. I'm in love with what he represented to me. Freedom. Forgiveness. Dependability. Strength and persistence even in the face of impossibility. I fell for him when he found me, even when I had lost myself. He gave me what I needed at the time, and what I wanted most: hope. But he loves another, and I don't need him anymore. Not Kensan himself, the Kensan who never really needed me. There is a part of me that will always love him, but first and foremost, he is a friend. A valued, wonderful friend.
~But Soushi… Soujirou… By any other name, he needs me. As soon as he laid eyes on me, he needed me, and not just because I happened to be in the bath at the time…~ Her face flushed again at the memory and she lowered her head over her bowl, hoping that the steam would be an excuse should anyone witness her heightened color. ~He knew who I was, what I had done… For him, I became what Kensan had originally been to me. I was the embodiment of hope. And quite a nice one, at that,~ she allowed herself the indulgence.
~But it's no more than the simple truth,~ her thoughts continued once her amusement faded. ~The road I walk now is essentially the same road Kensan walked, but Kensan is a man. And so is Soushisan. Soujirou. Soushi. He's like Kensan, and like me, in the road we walk, but his path is not Kensan's. His path has come closer to mine now. He's younger than me, which feels strange to me, considering being with a younger man, but he's a good man. And good looking, too. But does he need me like I needed Kensan, or does he need me because of myself? What will happen when the first flush fades, as it did for me?~
Children ran by, shrieking and laughing as they played. Megumi watched them for a moment, smiling quietly over her bowl as she ate slowly. One of the boys was brandishing a stick and pushing a girl, probably his little sister by the look of them, behind him. Another boy waved a stick of his own in what might have been a threatening manner had they not all been laughing so freely.
"Don't worry, Marichan! I'll protect you!" the first boy cried gallantly.
"Oh, help, save me from the Evil Daimyou!" she cried in a high voice, clearly trying to sound demure and ladylike.
"Ha ha! There is no escaping my evil clutches!"
"You'll never get away with this!" the first boy cried.
"Oh yeah? Just watch me!
"No, no, no! You're not supposed to say that! You're supposed to say, 'Yes I will, for I am the Evil Daimyou and no man can defeat me!'" It was Mari who protested. "That's when I take out MY sword and beat you!"
"You can't beat the Evil Daimyou!" the second boy cried. "You're a girl!"
As Mari protested, "Can too!" and the children ran on, Megumi nearly choked on her own laughter. ~They remind me of us as kids,~ she thought. ~I wonder where Hide is… He was so eager to join the Byakkotai, but our parents insisted he work as a medic. He disappeared just before Father was killed…~ The thought saddened her again.
~I shouldn't have come. Toshiniisama will be worried.~ Even though she had left a note, she was not really the impulsive sort of person to up and run unless something was seriously wrong. Forced to admit it to herself, she knew that the only thing wrong was herself.
Returning her bowl to the proprietor, she paid for her meal and took to the streets of Tokyo, finding herself on a very familiar road. The sakura were in full bloom and the sun was setting; she paused to watch it, watching the reflecting light in the water flowing beside the road, watching the pale pink blooms change hues as dusk neared. The air was full of the scent of the blooms and the earthy, moist aroma of spring. As she watched, a single petal separated itself from its siblings and fluttered down to land on the water, not disturbing the reflection as it appeared to land over her heart. ~It's time.~
She turned her footsteps back to the clinic, at first reluctant but with growing determination. There was no sign of anyone, so she slipped through the darkened building to Genzaisensei's office, wrote a note to her mentor, and paused, still holding her brush.
Taking a second scrap of paper, she wrote one more, very brief note, added a postscript on the original to the doctor, addressed them both, and placed them where he would find them upon his return.
"There is still time for me to catch the late night post back north, and so I apologize for the abrupt departure. Sensei, I am honored to have met you and I thank you for everything. I will write again soon.
"Please make sure Kensan gets the other note, without the others finding out. I know he will understand. And please, PLEASE do not tell the others that I was here this time. The last thing I want is to worry everyone else; they never take it as calmly as you do.
"Don't forget to hire a second assistant – you can afford it now that Sanosuke has returned and pays for his treatments."
The second note, addressed to Himura Kenshin, contained only one sentence: "Thank you, and sayonara."
She knew he would understand.
~One thing Kensan has always been good at is understanding... Eventually.~ Megumi smiled to herself, with only a trace of irony.
She cleaned the brushes, straightened up after herself, and hurried off.
She was almost too late; the coachman saw her rushing up and waited, recognizing her from earlier in the day.
"Everything all right, miss?"
"Yes, thank you. My business was completed far sooner than I expected, and I am anxious to return home."
The coachman nodded with an understanding smile. "Got three kids m'self. Home is a wonderful place to be, isn't it?"
Megumi's answering smile was heartfelt. "It is indeed."
They made equally good time on the return trip, and this time there were no other passengers to distract Megumi from her daydreams. Occasionally she would chat with the coachman, sitting up with him on the bench to enjoy the passing scenery and good weather.
Sometimes they would sit in companionable silence, lost in their own thoughts as the carriage passed over the roads. On the last leg of the trip, however, she sat in the coach as was proper.
Megumi's heart was lighter on the whole; she was not freed from her burdens, but Genzai's words of that afternoon had forced her to admit to herself what she had not wanted to face for years. Oddly, she felt freer for having done so.
There was no question that, to an extent, she would always love Kenshin, but the love she felt for him now – had felt for him for years – was not the same. After the first flush of burgeoning romantic love had reluctantly succumbed to the cold stare of reality, she had continued to love the man as a friend, and as an ideal. ~Not, of course, that Kensan is perfect. No one is perfect. And he is all too human. I… I do not think, knowing what I know about him, that I would be strong enough to love him the way Kaoruchan does. My Kensan, the man I loved, is a very different man than the one I spoke to today.
~My Kensan is as immortal as his friends once believed him to be.~ She smiled sadly at the thought, inside the coach. ~Perhaps that's part of Soushisan's attraction for me. He's younger, so naturally he's going to be stronger and live longer." She rolled her eyes at herself. ~Heart, you can be very stupid sometimes. But you always did know that that man was no good for you, didn't you...~
"Sensei?" Slowly she realized that the carriage had come to a stop, and that the coachman was trying to get her attention. "Sensei, we've arrived."
He helped her down from the coach and handed her light satchel over. "Are you sure you'll be all right?"
She nodded her thanks. "The clinic is not far and –"
"Megumisensei! Megumisensei, you're back!" Nobuo's voice cracked on the repetition of her name, and his blush deepened. His enthusiasm was no less, however, and he rushed up to retrieve her luggage.
"And as you can see," Megumi added dryly to the coachman, "I shall not be unescorted." The older man laughed and bowed; Nobuo could barely quell his excitement though he tried hard to act as dignified as a mature seventeen year old ought.
"Your brother and Soushisan will be very pleased to see you," he said with a bit more restraint, though he still quivered around the edges. "As are we all."
She smiled and shook her head at her young friend. "Don't tell me you were staking out the post every day."
Nobuo tried to look innocent. "Okay, I won't."
She laughed lightly, and he thrilled to look at her. "Is… Megumisensei, is everything all right? You left so suddenly…"
"Yes. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry everyone. Something came up suddenly that required my immediate attention. Everything is all right now." She let him see her face, and he was reassured by what he saw. The strain that had been increasing around her eyes and mouth for the last several months was still in evidence, but noticeably less than it had been a week before when she'd left.
"I'm glad," he said. "That everything's okay, I mean. And that you're back, too. We all are." Feeling more and more foolish, he shut up, annoyed with himself for suddenly being so awkward around her, but as they walked, he studied her as obliquely as he could.
There was something different about her, something that was somehow resigned and dignified but almost content… He couldn't quite put his finger on it.
She was aware of his focus, and finally relieved his confusion. "I've made peace with myself about something, Nobuokun. There was something about myself that I could not face, but I have faced it, and now I can move on."
"Move on?"
"Don't worry, Nobuokun. I'm not leaving Aizu. Except for the occasional visit," she added with a smile.
"Ahh.. Sure," he said uncertainly.
She decided not to say anything more as they rounded the corner and arrived at the clinic. It was not late enough for her to have missed the last patients of the day, but her brother assured her (after an enthusiastic if brief embrace of welcome) that everything was under control.
"Go get settled, and we'll talk over dinner."
"The dinner I'm making, I assume?"
"Oh, my darling, wonderful, best sister in the world!"
She mock-glared at him and pretended to storm into the living area. Toshi's shoulders slumped in relief as he murmured a brief prayer of thanks.
It wasn't long before the three men convened in what Toshi had taken to calling "the sitting room", although Nobuo fretted between returning to his familial obligations and finding out what had happened with his beloved female idol.
"Go on home, Nobuokun," Toshi chided. "You know you'll find out whatever she'll permit you to know very soon anyway. It's a good day to spend time with one's family."
"That's true." Nobuo bid the others a good night and nearly bumped into Megumi on her way in. Stammering apologies, he fled the clinic as fast as he was able.
"What happened to him?" she wondered as she entered.
"He wanted to get home to his family," Toshihiro replied blithely.
Megumi shrugged and set out places for the three of them; bringing the last setting back to the kitchen, she returned with a simple meal. "I go away for a week and you two fall apart. There was almost nothing in the larder!"
Soushi and Toshi exchanged an uncomfortable glance. "Well, it's been busy around here," Toshi tried.
Megumi did not look impressed. "I'll go shopping tomorrow. Honestly, I've never seen two grown men so completely incapable of taking care of themselves. Only the tori-atama was ever any worse, and even he's improved!"
"Now that's not fair!" Toshi leapt to defend himself. Megumi looked at her brother and giggled.
Soujirou exchanged another glance with him. Their expressions clearly echoed the same question. ~Megumi Giggled?~
"Okay, Baby Sister," Takani Toshihiro said, dropping his Indignant Brother act for the Annoyed Older Brother performance he didn't pull out too often. "Spill it. Where'd you go and what happened?"
The Annoyed Older Brother bit ALWAYS worked. Without fail, he had always been able to pull his sister (and, long ago, their brother) in line with it.
Now, Megumi merely looked at him calmly and said, "Finish your dinner first." His jaw dropped. "That's a good first step. Now put something in your mouth and chew, before something other than your foot flies in."
Soujirou tried not to snicker, but couldn't stop himself. A snort of laughter at Toshi's shocked indignation escaped, and then another, and soon he was laughing wholeheartedly.
It was a long moment before he realized that the Takani siblings were staring at him.
"What? Is there something on my face?" he asked in genuine bewilderment.
"Soushisan, I don't think we've ever seen you really laugh before," Toshi said in something like amazement.
At first he stared at his young mentor, but then as he thought about his life over the past months and the past years, he realized something.
"I think… This is the first time I've really laughed in years."
Megumi nodded. "You've laughed before, but it's always seemed a little forced. It never quite reached your eyes."
"And it's not that smile you hate so much, or nervous laughter," Toshi added gently. He did not say that he had noticed how very tense Soushi had been for the past week, or how the tension had dissolved almost as soon as he had seen Megumi.
That hated nervous smile was on his face again, but there was something different about it. It seemed less desperate and more genuinely embarrassed than usual. "Well, I guess… heh. That is…"
"It's okay to laugh, Soushisan. It's okay to cry, or to laugh. It's okay to feel."
"I know that now. I owe you both more than I can ever repay."
"Stop it, Soushisan. You don't owe us anything." Toshi, sensing his part of the conversation was done, withdrew quietly, removing the now-empty plates. Megumi didn't seem to notice, although Soujirou did.
She continued, "If anything, I suppose…" She looked uncomfortable for a moment. "I suppose it's I who owes you something." Suddenly afraid of her own feelings, she retreated into old habits. "Although I certainly don't feel compelled to pay off that debt, anytime soon!" she said with a toss of her head.
The young man she faced apparently felt no such strain. His eyes were intent on her face as he spoke with a soft voice. "I don't mind giving you forever," Soujirou said, taking a single step towards her.
"Good, because you'll probably wait that long!" She gave him a haughty glance, but her eyes faltered, her lip trembled slightly.
"If that's what it takes," he said with a casual shrug and a bland smile, stepping back. But his eyes too faltered, with pain instead of confusion.
"It... It may be longer." she added a little uncertainly.
"I hope not," he said suddenly. "Because really, Megumi, I don't want to wait at all." He took a step towards her, and another, until he was within reach.
She started slightly at the way he said her name: no honorifics, no hesitation. The way the sound of it lingered on her ears warmed her face. "Then maybe… Maybe it won't be quite that long," she said softly, reaching tentatively for the hand he offered her.
[AN] It is sheer coincidence that I post this final chapter at the close of 2011, but I think it a sweet way to send off the old year. A bit WAFFy there at the end, perhaps, but these two who have suffered so much hurt, whose hearts are so badly scarred, probably feel a need for that. I doubt things will flow easily for them, but I wish them a happy, prosperous future together.
And to all of you, a happy, healthy, safe, and wealthy 2012. May we all have happy beginnings in our lives. [/AN]
