Present
It was peaceful.
There was pain, but then...there wasn't.
Alex knew what this was. The drugs that were trying to keep her comfortable weren't masking the reality of the situation. She'd likely been out for some time. The beeping of the machines monitoring her condition sounded so loud when she focused on them. The Norsoi Virus was still in her system, it was still killing her...she'd finally gotten home only to die. Alex knew that her mother would be doing everything that she could to save her, but Alex knew that it was useless (or at least it very much seemed that way to her). She felt so heavy, it was from the drugs she knew...she had a weird headache...and she couldn't manage to open her eyes. It was almost overwhelming, Alex hated to lose control (especially of herself). With all of that, she tried to focus on what had given her the feeling of peace. Drawing in a breath, she pushed it out slowly (or at least that's what it felt like she was doing in her mind).
A voice.
"We are never lost, never afraid, for we shrink not under the sun of righteousness."
Kara.
It wasn't even the voice or the words, but it was feeling...she could feel her sister there. The love and hope emanating from her sister. Kara had lost so much when she was so small...and all Alex could think in that moment was that she hoped that J'onn would explain everything to her mother and to Kara. She knew that Kara could teach Ayrdaen so much, not just about Earth but also about hope.
"Rao binds us to those we love, he gives us strength when we have none."
Listening to her sister's words, Alex just imagined Kara standing there. There was something soothing about the prayer even if Alex didn't worship Rao. Maybe it was Kara's voice, her presence, or maybe it was even the words she was speaking…
"And in the darkest places, he guides us...for Rao sees all, feels all, his love eternal."
Focusing on her breathing, slow and steady, she just listened. Alex allowed herself to enjoy that moment. Kara was holding her hand and though all Alex wanted to do was squeeze it, she couldn't manage it...but she so wanted to just let her sister know that she could hear her.
"Rao protect us, so that we might protect others…"
"So, I don't want you to worry about things… Kara's been saving people still, though, I don't know that I've ever actually seen her tired...it's weird." The was a pause. "But don't worry...J'onn did that whole space dad thing and ordered her to go take a nap...and eat something."
Since Winn had come to work at the DEO, they'd become closer. Winn had become a friend to her, he wasn't just Kara's friend...and he genuinely felt like part of their family. He was like the brother that she and Kara had never wanted, but fell in love with just the same. They were all so good for each other and Alex was glad that they had Winn...he was even good for J'onn (though she doubted he would ever admit it).
"And J'onn's grumpy...but that's because you're still asleep...and like he and Eliza keep arguing...but that's because they're both concerned about you. They both want you to be okay...and of course, they're not the only ones…"
She could hear tapping. Alex knew that he probably had a tablet with him or maybe his phone. It was better to listen to than focusing on the sounds of the medical equipment, less stressful. She appreciated noise that was different and even wished she was strong enough to ask Winn to put on music for her (she didn't even care what was on).
"You know, that kid, Ayrdaen...she's a funny girl...she tried to pass herself off as Kryptonian. I bought it, but then I realized one of the reasons Kara didn't… She knows a lot of the basic things, but she doesn't know the language…not enough of it. Kara just got upset until J'onn showed up and pulled them apart."
Ayrdaen had tried to do what Alex had told her to do. She was only a child, Alex knew that there was only so much she could do. Kara had to already be upset about Alex being unconscious and about the fact that she didn't have long to live (even if they prolonged her life). At least it sounded like J'onn had been there to intervene. Him knowing about Ayrdaen made her feel a little less weighted.
"I still think she's impressive. I mean, she's like five or six or something...or maybe she's just short and looks young." Winn paused again. "Look, I don't know who she exactly is...or why you had her with you. All I know is that we're going to keep her safe because that's what you were trying to do...that's what you would want." He pause again, a sigh filling the air. "And you know, she's just going to have to deal with J'onn being a grumpy space dad...with a heavy side of grumpy… I'm sure she's tough and can deal with it. I mean, the rest of us are doing it."
Even though Winn's voice sounded light and even cheerful about everything he was telling her, she wondered if J'onn was really able to continue with the burden she'd placed on him. It had never been the plan. She shouldn't have been released from the pod early...she and Ayrdaen should have been kept there until there was a cure for the Norsoi Virus. Alex thought that maybe if she could wake up, maybe she could convince them to put her and Ayrdaen back into the pod...if it still worked properly.
"I think Benanti's trying to keep morale high, she's been bringing double donuts, so you know things are serious around here..." A beat passed. "Just...get better. I don't care if it's science or alien tech...or even a miracle. Just wake up and be better, Alex. We all need you."
Alex felt like her head was a whirl of her life on Earth and the last two years on Thoron. It was the medication, she knew that. Her head wasn't right. If it wasn't the medication, then it was the virus. Either way, she felt like time was slipping away.
Alex.
J'onn was in her head. It was a welcome visit. She almost wished that it was like when Kara had been attacked by the Black Mercy and Alex had gone into her sister's head. If only they could communicate in that way. So, she just tried to concentrate on what she wanted J'onn to know and hoped that he'd understand...that he'd hear her. She concentrated on Ayrdaen, keeping her image in her head, and thought about keeping her safe.
We're here, Alex.
And somehow she knew that he meant that it was him and Ayrdaen, they were together there with her. Alex wondered if that meant that J'onn was keeping her close in order to keep her out of trouble with Kara and to keep a close eye on her. Though, there was also a possibility that he'd brought in M'yrnn to help with Ayrdaen, maybe another Green Martian would be easier than explaining it to her mother and sister.
This isn't right.
And this time, it wasn't J'onn...it was Ayrdaen…
All of the sudden, Alex found herself pulled on a ride through memories that were hers...but not quite yet hers…
They were Ayrdaen's memories of when she was smaller...of from before Alex met her in the future. They were on Thoron, Alex immediately recognized that...in a park that she'd taken Ayrdaen to on several occasions. Her future self had longer hair that was braided off to the side, a tiny Ayrdaen was sitting in her arms as she sat on the blanket, M'gann was dishing up food, and J'onn was talking about something that was making them all laugh the most contagious laugh...even Ayrdaen. It was like the most precious bottled moment of happiness, even without the context of the laughter...it was something to treasure.
Home.
And Alex felt like there was so much more behind Ayrdaen's meaning. It felt like it meant that home was that moment for the girl, not just Thoron and those were her parents. Though, Alex was certain that Ayrdaen was much rather be on Thoron with J'onn and M'gann. But maybe Ayrdaen was understanding that home didn't have to be a specific place...or even specific people… When Alex was younger, home for her was always the happy memories of her family all together right before her father 'died'.
Home was always important.
So was family.
She'd always tried to tell Ayrdaen stories about Kara and J'onn...and adventures she and Kara had when they were little. She talked about her parents, the good times and the rocky times. Alex had thought it was important to tell Ayrdaen all about the family she'd never know...if nothing else, maybe it would teach her more about her human side and Earth.
Focusing on a memory of her own, Alex hoped that it was how you shared something with Green Martians. She thought about a time right before she'd thought she'd lost her father. She and Kara were actually getting along and her parents were happy together. They were in Midvale, it was a perfect sunny warm day, nice enough to go to the beach together...something that they didn't do enough. Her parents had packed a picnic and it had been a rare day where they'd just spent the entire day together smiling and laughing.
Home, she thought.
But Alex pushed another thought into her mind. Another memory. Something that she needed to share, to show Ayrdaen. She chose a more current memory, one that took place in National City. It was a night that she, Kara, J'onn, Winn, and James were all together at the alien bar. It wasn't anything special, they were just drinking and eating together. That moment, though, they were happy and together and that's all that mattered.
Home, she thought again.
Home and family could be more than one place...more than one group of people. Alex felt like it was so important for Ayrdaen to know that. Even if she was gone, she could have a home...she could have a family there in that timeline with J'onn, Kara, her mother, Winn, and...well, anyone that J'onn felt would help keep her safe. She was going to die and the future that Ayrdaen came from was never going to happen.
Don't give up. Not yet.
J'onn's voice in her head was the last thing she heard before she slipped back into the dark void.
"Are you supposed to be in here?"
"Have a donut, Vasquez."
"A donut isn't going to change things if we're supposed to be letting her rest."
Alex could clearly hear that Vasquez had snagged a donut from Benanti's box. She wished that she could wake up and have one, she'd have to tell Benanti that she owed her one (or a whole box) if she ever woke up and felt like she could actually eat one again. No matter how much she wished she could have a donut now, it was nice to have a variety of visitors even if she wasn't good company. It made her feel a little more like she got to see everyone again (even if she technically wasn't).
"What are you two doing in here?"
If she could have smiled, she would have in that moment. Adler was there now. She'd probably been looking for her wife and probably hadn't expected to find her hanging out with Vasquez at her bedside.
"Keeping Danvers up to date on what's going on," Vasquez said.
Now Benanti was speaking, with what sounded like her mouth full (probably of donut). "As morale officer-"
"You're not the morale officer," Adler countered her wife.
A beat passed.
"As morale officer," Benanti started again, this time her voice sounded clear. "It is my job to check in on Agent Danvers and obviously...to remind her that she's not allowed to have some deadly virus because that makes the boss and Supergirl far too cranky...and they're no fun to deal with when they're cranky. I think I've gained ten pounds because of all the extra donuts in the last couple of weeks."
Weeks.
Had it been that long?
No wonder she felt like she had no strength.
Whatever they were doing had to be barely keeping her tethered to the world...to life.
"C'mon you two," Adler said. "Let her rest. The boss is probably wondering where we went off to anyways, we need to get ready for that op."
And then they were gone and she was alone.
Weeks...
"I wish they'd stored the research you'd done on the virus in that pod with you," she heard her mother say.
Alex thought that if her mother only knew how long she'd worked on it (and how long her future self had...and her future mother...and who knew who else had also worked on it) that maybe she would have realized how futile it was. Nonetheless, she didn't mind listening to her mother talk in that moment. She'd missed it.
"I'm going to figure it out."
She wouldn't.
"I need help, though…"
And there was something in her mother's voice that made Alex worry.
"It's never right for a parent to lose a child...and I won't lose you."
There was so much pain and fear in her mother's voice as it broke. She could feel her mother's hand on her face and then her lips as she kissed her forehead. Alex so wished that things could be different, but so many had tried...and so many had failed...and died.
"I tried to explain to J'onn and Kara, but they don't understand...and you probably wouldn't either, but I have to try to do whatever I can, Alex. I won't lose you."
And she wished she could make her death easier on her mother...on her family, but death was not an easy thing. Death was cruel, even when it seemed merciful. Alex just wanted to spare those she loved pain and to understand that it was okay to let her go. Maybe if Ayrdaen had been closer to her, then maybe it would be easier for everyone...because her mother and Kara would have Ayrdaen to focus and love with her gone. There was so much, though, that felt wrong and made Alex worry about how people would be after they finally let her go.
"All I've ever wanted since the moment I knew I was pregnant with you, Alex, was to keep you safe...to protect you...and I promised myself I'd do anything to do that. J'onn's trained you to take care of yourself...but right now...right now I'm going to do what I think I need to in order to save you...and I hope you forgive me."
It had been quiet and she'd been in and out of the half consciousness she'd been in. She was still too weak to move or open her eyes. Alex had been pulled closer to consciousness, though, when it sounded like all hell was breaking out in the DEO. Instinct made her try to wake up and get into gear to help...but she couldn't do anything but listen and hope that everything was okay.
"Hurry!"
It was her mother's voice.
But it was the weapon's fire that caught her attention and made her heart race. There was nothing Alex could do, but listen...listen and hope that her mother was safe. She could hear the monitors echoing her upset and fear, the beeping that she'd drowned out before was quick and in sync with the pounding in her ears.
"We have to hurry," her mother said to someone else who was in the room. Alex hadn't heard another voice, but had assumed that it was one of the other DEO agents that was securing the medical bay. "I'm afraid if they stop us that we'll really lose her…"
"That's not going to happen."
And she immediately recognized the other voice. It wasn't a DEO agent...it wasn't anyone who should have been in the DEO and she immediately understood why there was so much chaos going on. Her mother had voiced her wanting to do anything to save her and she'd certainly gone to the last person that Alex would have asked for help when it came to the virus.
"This is going to work."
He sounded so confidant and Alex was just flat out terrified. Not for what was going on in that room, but that her mother had gone to such lengths and had to have used a sample of the virus to replicate anything that might fight it. The timeline that had originally existed had to have certainly been altered, which was something that M'gann had been concerned about, though she was fairly sure that J'onn would have preferred that they had been able to combat the virus when Cadmus first developed it. What if this was how it came into Cadmus' hands? Some weird timey whimey swap?
"GET AWAY FROM HER!" she heard Kara shout before the sound of glass shattering added to the chaos.
Alex was overwhelmed, but she didn't miss the burning sensation that had to be coming from an IV because it travelled from her hand upward. It didn't hurt, but it wasn't comfortable. It reminded her of a sedation drug she'd had in the past.
"What have you done?!" Kara demanded.
"What we had to do."
"Kara, please!" her mother pleaded. "You have to understand!"
Kara wouldn't.
"Someone get a medical team in here!" she heard J'onn yell next.
Alex started to choke and that was when her eyes flipped wide open to the dimmed bay lights over head. She couldn't breathe, her whole body fought to survive. Concerned faces were immediately hovering over her and when she turned her head to the side she saw the medical team running in and J'onn in the doorway. But it was Kara, her mother, and her father who were looking down at her.
Her father.
It still didn't make it right, even if he'd been able to combat the virus.
"Relax, Alex," Jeremiah coached. "The tube is helping you breathe right now, let it."
She felt her mother squeeze her hand and she just felt an overwhelming rush of anger and relief and shock. Alex struggled for a few seconds longer before making herself relax enough that the machine could do its job.
"You need to get back," Doctor Hamilton instructed them both and pushed past them, but didn't make Kara move. Alex watched as the doctor immediately started to check her vitals. "Agent Danvers, I need you to stay as calm as you can, okay?"
Alex nodded ever so weakly.
"I don't want to remove any equipment until we better understand what was given to you and how that's affecting you, so I need you to be patient with us," Hamilton said.
"Lock them up," she heard J'onn say and she knew who he was referring to. J'onn would be detaining her parents and would likely deal with them after things were straightened out (or until he needed information from her father about what she'd been given).
"Let's run labs," Hamilton said to one of the nurses.
They seemed to be moving to one area so that Kara could stand closer, taking a hand that was free. Kara held it to her chest, both of her hands wrapped over Alex's, their eyes meeting. "I'm here… We're going to figure this out…"
For better or worse...
TBC...
