Response to reviews:
2lazy2login - thank you very much for the kind review. I'm trying to get out chapter as quickly as I can, but I have four stories on the go, which was my mistake really 😂
xnite05 - I always look forward to reading what you have to say. Thank you so much for leaving such nice comments for me to read! Yeah, I feel super sorry for Steve but his torment will be over soon. Thank you again for each review you do.
Severas22 - yeah, I think I remember! Thank you so much for reviewing the story! Yeah, last one was a bit short and so is this one, but hopefully I'll be writing longer one's soon!
Author's note:
HELLO EVERYONE! I hope you're having a great summer! It's been okay for me so far, but my mum is ill at the minute, so it's been a bit hectic! Anyway, enjoy the chapter! Make sure to read my end notes!
I couldn't get to sleep for hours. My brain felt so frazzled with all of these different thoughts, Bucky, the deaths in Sokovia, Pietro and surprisingly Hill. The woman seemed different than the others. I didn't like it, because I didn't fully trust her even though I was close with her. I grunted in frustration and rolled myself over on my bed, pushing my head into my pillow. Why was everything so doom and gloom at the minute? I felt like nothing was ever going to stop. I just felt so sad all the time. Maybe it was the serum, but it wasn't like that was going to change anytime soon.
I looked at the clock, noting that it was three am, and decided that there was no point in sitting in my bed. I got out of bed and pulled out my sketchpad and pencils. Sitting at my desk, I closed my eyes and thought about what I wanted to draw. I rarely had moments of peace like that, my art not getting the attention that it should. Images of the buildings and blood and bodies went through my mind, all the people in Sokovia that had suffered...and then I let my pencil loose on the page, drawing all the stuff that was in my head.
The time seemed to fly by, not even realise that hours had gone by when I finally looked up at the time on my phone when my hand started to get tired. It was six am - I had been drawing for hours and hours. I looked back at the page and stared at the bloodied body I had been drawing, something about it not bothering me at all. I felt numb to all the bloodshed and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I quickly slammed the book and went to the shower, quickly turning on the taps and letting the water pour over me.
Once I had showered and dressed, it was 6:45. I was about to leave when I heard the iPad on my desk make a noise. I walked over and quickly read some information Hill wanted me to give to the others, mainly what the facility would be like and how long it would be until we would land. Walking towards the door, I caught myself in the length-ways mirror by the door. I stopped for a second and ignored the tired look that I saw in my eyes, walking out the door and towards the kitchen. My head was swimming with thoughts about Sokovia, the images I had drawn flitting through my mind. It was my fault that all those people had died and all that destruction was made. I should've noticed Tony's plans, I should've been quicker. I wanted to train harder, but I just felt like giving up.
"Steve," Wanda said, greeting me with a nice smile with a poaching pan in her hand. She looked very mundane, her hair slightly messy from the heat and early morning. I put on a smile and sat down next to Sam and Rhodey who were sitting at the table. "Would you like some eggs?" Wanda asked and I nodded.
"I would love some, thank you, Wanda," I replied and smiled at the young Sokovian. "If you need any help, just shout." She shook her head and had a beaming smile on her face.
"I love cooking, I'm sure I'll be fine." I nodded and let her get on with cooking breakfast for us, though part of me still felt bad for not helping. I was drawn away by Sam lightly slapping me on the back and smiling.
"How d'you sleep?" he asked and I shrugged.
"Okay, I guess." I didn't like flying, it made me nervous. It must've been a natural response from the plane crash, a thought that brought a shudder through me. Whenever I was on a plane and it dipped, I would always feel my stomach drop, fearing that we would shoot down towards the ice and I would wake up alone again. it made me scared and I found it very difficult to get more than a few hours sleep on a plane, let alone on land.
Wanda made some excellent poached eggs on toast and when Riley, Clint and Nat entered, they had some too. It was obvious that Wanda was trying to win us over with her cooking, but she didn't need to. There was nothing to prove or apologise for. The whole thing was my fault.
"So, the plan for today," I began to explain as Vision entered. "We should be arriving in half an hour. You can have a little time to settle in and such, your bags should already be in your rooms when you arrive. Our arrival time will be about 7:30. If everyone's comfortable with it, we would really like the start training as soon as possible. Is that alright?" I asked and everyone nodded.
"Good. Hill should be there to tell you where each place is, but you can have a look round yourselves if you want. I haven't even had the chance to go around yet, but apparently, there are people in reception that have offered to take us on tours, so you should be able to find people there."
"There's staff already there?" Sam asked, scraping the plate clean of any yolk that remained.
"There have been for about a week now to make sure everything is up and running. Everything in the rooms is clean and apparently, Pepper has picked out some clothes that she thought would suit you all," I said, remembering the details Hill had written up.
"Isn't she here?" Wanda asked, gesturing with her finger to the structure around her.
"She wakes up very early for...yoga, I think?" I speculated. I looked at Natasha, who nodded at my guess.
"That woman is crazy with everything she manages to fit in with her life," Clint said, going to the coffee machine to get a coffee. I didn't have time for things like that, romances. I screwed up my relationship with Peggy and women only wanted Captain America these days, not me. I felt so out of control that I didn't really know who I was anymore. What was the point of trying again?
"And she has to look after Tony." Sam joked to which everyone laughed.
"So, settle in at 7:30, training at mid-day, small party at 8pm." I added. I was fed up. Stark's party was a stupid idea. The last thing I wanted to do was have a party. I couldn't ignore the deaths of all those people.
"Tony?" Rhodey asked and I nodded, feeling irritated with him wanting to party. Tony was a genius, but he was arrogant and reckless. The events that lead to Ultron show that. I should've kept a better eye on him.
"Who else?!" I frustratedly grabbed an apple from the bowl on the high table and went to leave. "I'll see you at the bay in half an hour. Pack up and get ready to board to your new home." I took a bite out of the apple and left.
I walked alone back to my room after breakfast and immediately began to pack up my stuff. Shirts, trousers, shoes. All in one suitcase.
I was done within five minutes and went straight down to the hangar, wanting not to be disturbed. S.H.I.E.L.D bedrooms always made me feel like I was just an experiment and that was where I was being stored. I could customise my own room in the Avengers Tower, something that would most likely happen with the new one, and it made me feel more comfortable.
I took the elevator down to the hangar and hoped that nobody would enter. Unfortunately, the next floor down, the elevator stopped and two women got in. One had brown hair and was Romanoff's height, whereas the other had blonde hair and was a little taller. Both were wearing S.H.I.E.L.D uniforms and I didn't see them as a threat, the muscle on both being not overly impressive.
I saw them both blush as the hesitated before getting into the elevator. I stepped to the side as they entered and they seemed to keep to the other side of the lift, but I couldn't not notice their eyes on me. I hated the attention I got from my name and powers, I wish there was some way to take it all back.
I don't know what I would've done without the serum. Maybe Peggy and I would've actually worked out as she seemed to like me before the serum got injected. I would sure as hell feel like I fitted in more. I stuck out like a sore thumb wherever I was because I was Captain America. I wasn't even good enough to be the captain of the team.
I didn't even look at the girls get out of the elevator who were giggling nervously at me. One of them whispered as they left; "By Cap'n." I ignored them and look straight ahead, wishing the doors would close faster.
I was no longer the name that my parents had given me, just an army title that was created from a stupid show. The doors opened and I paved out, glad that no one was there when I arrived. I dumped my bag on the side bench and sat down, putting my head in my hands and closing my eyes.
Why did everything feel like it was falling apart around me? Why did life feel so worthless to me? I felt I had no one fighting my corner, like I was in the boxing ring, beaten to the ground, letting my body take the hits of a boxing glove. I just didn't see the point in fighting anymore.
The elevator dinged and James, Pietro and Sam entered. I forced a smile on my face and five minutes later we were deep into a conversation about the Hulk, not that I was paying much attention anyway. As more Avengers entered, I felt myself becoming more and more claustrophobic. Thankfully, the helicarrier soon landed, at seven thirty in the morning precisely, and I was the first to get off besides Tony who pushed his way past everyone to call dibs on the biggest bedroom. I breathed in and out, letting the waves of panic settle down.
I didn't scold him, my brain not having the energy or motivation to tell him to be respectful. I didn't feel like Captain America anymore. If I wasn't the Captain and I wasn't Steve Rogers, who was I?
We entered the Avengers Tower which was at least eight large floors of mainly glass and steel, but I didn't seem to get the overwhelming feeling that the others did. I didn't really care.
As we were walking through the reception area to the elevator, we attracted a lot of attention. Some people were glaring at us, most likely annoyed at the events of Sokovia that were all my fault. Most people were greeting us with smiles as they slowed down their walking pace to look at us for longer, but I couldn't take my eyes off of the people glaring and they couldn't take their eyes off of me. I felt like I did when Sam had to stop that Sokovian woman attacking Romanoff on the helicarrier - weak. It was all my fault. Completely.
We got to the lift and as soon as it opened, Riley hurried in quickly and worried about what the problem was. "Ma'am, are you okay?" I asked.
She smiled sweetly and nodded. "Fine, thank you, Captain. Not really a big fan of...people giving me praise."
I had gotten used to it, but I had never liked it. Stark was the complete opposite and practically bathed in the attention they gave him, but I couldn't stand it, which meant being Captain America was difficult sometimes. Well...all the time. "You'll get used to it," I muttered and roll my shoulders slightly as the elevator began to rise.
We arrived at the top floor, the one specifically for the Avengers. There was a communal living room that reminded me of the old tower, very similar but with a sleeker finish. There were four large sofas, six chairs and a large white coffee table in the centre. It was all positioned next to four extremely large windows that I could see multi-purposed as sliding doors, leading out to a balcony that had some deck chairs on it as well as another sofa.
"This is going to be your communal living room and joint cinema room." Maria said, pushing a button underneath the table that caused it to slowly move into the ground, a television coming up from the side that the windows were on. As well as that, the coaches rotated to make two rows of cinema sofas. This felt like way too much for us. I didn't do anything to deserve all of this.
I didn't even look at the kitchen, knowing that it would be just as expensive as the living room. "Obviously, this can all be changed if you want it to be, but hopefully you will find it satisfactory." Maria said as we followed her. I noticed the slight buckle of her ankle as she walked and made a mental note to check on her later. "I'll leave you to explore the place yourselves, but our bedrooms are down this corridor." she said, gesturing to a corridor on the furthest side of the room."The kitchen can be stocked with whatever food you want most likely within the hour, you can just ask JARVIS. For directions to places that you want to go, like the weapons room, sparring or training rooms and other places around the tower, you can look at the map on the back of your door or, again, just ask JARVIS. Any questions?"
"The kitchen can be stocked with whatever food you want most likely within the hour, you can just ask JARVIS. For directions to places that you want to go, like the weapons room, sparring or training rooms and other places around the tower, you can look at the map on the back of your door or, again, just ask JARVIS. Any questions?"
We all remained silent and the smile on her face showed that she was thankful for that. She looked at me, only for a second, but that smirk made my stomach squirm. Her eyes flitted away from me as quickly as they had landed, but something about that smirk made me feel like it was for me. Obviously, it wasn't.
Just as she was about the take us to our rooms, a familiar woman walked through the door. "Elisa." Nat said with a smile and I remembered that I saw the woman at the welcoming party at the tower.
"Hey Natasha." she said with a sweet smile. Her brown curly was tied up in a high ponytail, highlighting her thin, make-up free face that showed how much of a natural beauty she was. I didn't like that so many women more so much make up nowadays. People were beautiful without it. She was dressed in a similar combat suit to Hill's, but she was much shorter than Hill. "It's nice to meet you all." she said, walking over next to Maria.
"I'll let you introduce yourself, Agent." Hill said and the woman nodded, turning to face us with a small smile. Maria stepped to the side with her hands behind her back and looked at all of us. She looked at me and kept her eyes focused on me for a couple of seconds, caught in an intense lock with each other. I thought back to our last conversation where we talked about the olden days and both practically admitted we both slept little.
The agent started speaking and she broke the eye contact. I immediately looked at the agent, feeling stupid if I kept looking when she wasn't. I realised that my heart was beating fast in my chest and I didn't have an explanation for it. I felt like she was playing some kind of game with me, but what game was it and why did I feel like I was losing?
"My name is Agent Elisa Tannen. I'll be Agent Hill's assistant for the foreseeable future, helping you with any problems you have. Any queries, complaints, appointments you need to arrange, social media questions, etc, need to be addressed by me first. I used to be a S.H.I.E.L.D agent and fought during the battle against HYDRA in DC, so I've had plenty of experience. I'm here for you whether you need someone to talk through your problems with or someone to spar with, anything really. I'll be staying in the same quarters as you, like Maria, so hopefully, I'll be friends with some of you. Also, my office is next to Hill's if you need anything."
She was like a miniature Hill, but seemed to be a little more welcoming. I remembered when I first met Maria and she seemed like an emotionless robot.
"Are you sure you shouldn't be an agent?" Tony question and her smile faltered slightly. She had the title of an agent, but he meant a field agent with us. She didn't let it be down for long, a slight faker smile rising on her features.
"I've had my full fill of being an Agent, thank you Stark." she smiled and Hill gestured to the corridor, seemingly knowing that Elisa didn't want to talk about the issue of her being an agent. There must've been something in her past that she didn't want to talk about.
"Let me take you through to our rooms." Hill smiled, but I felt like every smile she wore was fake. I wondered what her real smile was like.
As predicted, all of the doors had the symbols of each person. The arc reactor for Tony, a green fist for Hulk (when he got back from wherever he was) and a shield for me. I wanted to take it down, but I didn't know how I would convince Tannen or Hill to allow me.
I didn't even listen to what everyone else was saying after Hill said to meet in the living room at 10. I quietly slipped into my room to avoid notice and sighed as I leant my back against the door, not being able to hear any of the others talk anymore. I felt bad for wanting time to myself, but I didn't want to talk to them or anyone.
I saw my suitcase next to me and picked it up, taking it to the wardrobe across the room and began unpacking my clothes into the wardrobe. I liked getting on with tasks I had, which is why I sorted my suitcase out first and then looked around.
I looked at the bed which had a plain white duvet cover on it. Even though I appreciate things Tony did for me, I did not appreciate the red, white and blue colour scheme I had in my last bedroom. This colour scheme was mainly white with a little white, but I couldn't see any blue features of the room.
There was a chest of drawers next to the bedroom that had a small lamp on it. I touched the smooth surface, knowing that it would be a place where I would leave the dog tags that were residing around my neck. They were the only thing I had left. I rolled my eyes at the depressing thought and went to look around the rest of the room.
It was very open, no separation of the living room and bedroom. I could tell whether I liked that or not, but was glad to find that the kitchen and bathroom both had their own rooms. The living room looked very comfortable, the sofa being a softy, sinking type rather than a tough leather that made you feel like you needed to act like a wooden doll. There was a white coffee table in the centre and coasters already placed at specific places on it. Who had worked this hard on such tiny details? I didn't deserve this luxury; too much blood was on my hands.
The bathroom was also very white, the shower having spray coming directly from the ceiling. There were already toiletries in the bathroom which I was thankful for. The kitchen was small but had everything a person would need. Besides, I think Maria wanted us all to eat in the communal kitchen. Looking round, I noticed the balcony by the bed and a slot next to my bed that would hold the shield.
Then, I saw a door that I hadn't opened yet and wondered what else I would need apart from the things I had been given already. Walking up to it, I noticed a note pinned to the door with blue tack.
This room is yours to decorate how you wish,
Hill
P.S. If you need any more supplies for this room, don't hesitate to ask
I didn't know why the note seemed personal, there was probably one in every room, but it did. Hill was such a mystery to me, part of me wanted to find out more and the other part wanted to run as far as I could.
I opened the door hesitantly, not knowing what to expect, and saw a compliment of objects in the centre of the white room as well as a wooden chair. It was art supplies. How did she know? Maybe she had been spying on us more than we thought. The room was small, but it would be a nice space to work. It was too much for her to do though, I would have to talk to her later on about this as well as about her limp. There were canvases, oils, brushes, sketchbooks, pencils. I had no doubt they were top quality. How would I tell her it was too much?
I shut the door to the art room and went to the balcony, opening the door and sitting down on the garden chair there. I watched some of the agents below. Some were doing laps around the field, some were doing some form of yoga and martial art and some were doing strength exercises. It seemed like the camp I used to be at. Why did it not feel like home? Nowhere did.
I knew that Hill would be waiting in the living room early, so after asking JARVIS whether she was alone, him confirming that she was, I went to talk to her. When I arrived in the living room, she glanced up at me from the tablet that she was typing on to see who had interrupted her.
"Steve," she said, nodding at me before turning back to her tablet. I knew that she was now calling me Steve because I had told her off too many times for calling me Captain. I walked to sit next to her and was glad that she didn't seem to be bothered by it.
"How's the ankle?" I asked tentatively, not wanting to piss her off. I knew how dangerous Hill could become if she was angry with someone. I feel like our relationship was similar to the one Natasha and I had when we had first met.
"Fully healed, thank you." Her tone was slightly terse, but I knew she wasn't being rude, at least not intentionally.
"I saw you shifting your weight ealier. Tell me honestly how it is." She halted what she was doing for a second and angled her head right to look at me. She was scowling slightly, but I could tell it was only because she didn't like me being concerned. That part of me would never change.
She sighed in annoyance and looked down at the damaged limb. "It's not giving me too much bother, but I assure you that it's nearly healed," came her smooth response.
"Good," I replied, unsure whether to actually believe her or not. She was disguising her, much like Romanoff. The more I compared the two women, the more I realised how similar they were. Maria seemed to have more heart than Natasha did though.
"How are you doing?" She asked, putting the tablet to one side to give me her full attention.
"Uh...I'm fine?" I said, uncertain. Why would I not be okay? I knew I had problems with the dark thoughts that were infiltrating my mind, but I didn't want to bother her with them. She probably had enough on her plate.
She scoffed, raising an eyebrow. "I'll believe that when I see it." Spies like her were very good at figuring out people's problems, but I didn't want her to know my issues. It was embarrassing. I didn't want to be around anyone, I wanted to be alone, but that wasn't going to happen any time soon. It was too much.
We sat in silence for a moment before the question I'd been meaning to ask came to my mind. "How did you know?" She looked at me with a puzzled expression, her forehead creasing slightly in a way that made her look innocent. "The art room, how did you know I was passionate about it?"
"A girl has her ways," she said, a mischievous smile on her face as she looked at me teasingly. I gave her a look and she gave in, sighing at me. "Natasha said she found your sketches a few months ago and I was wondering what extension to make to your room." So it wasn't personal... Part of me felt annoyed that it wasn't just me. I wanted to be special to someone, but it seemed like I wasn't.
"What rooms do the others have?" I asked curiously, leaning back against the soft sofa cushions.
"Mainly weapons rooms," she said shrugging, going to pick up her tablet again. Obviously I really wasn't interesting to anybody.
"Why am I not surprised?" I said to myself, which caused her to laugh quietly as she tapped away. I felt like no one really cared about me and what was the point of being alive if that was the case. I wanted to escape.
I'm sorry I've taken so long to update, things have been hectic at the minute. My mum has recently been diagnosed with cancer and I'll be working with her to rebuild the connections from her head to her limbs on her left side that are weak at the moment. I'll be travelling back and forth from my old home to my new one and it's all going to be a bit hectic, but I want to fanfiction! I'll have more free time because my exams are finished. I really love Fanfiction, I do. It's so nice to know that people read my work, so thank you for all of your support with my story whether it's just following or favouriting or REVIEWING! Love you all!
I felt like this chapter was a bit weak, but hopefully you guys enjoyed it. By the way, Steve's depressed stage will stop in two chapters hopefully? You'll have to wait to see what happens 😉
