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Chapter 8
Steven's words echoed through Brendan's head as he stood in his cell, changing out from his suit and back into the grey tracksuit he wore every day on the inside.
"Promise you'll let me visit you, Bren!" he had screamed after him.
Brendan hadn't had the strength to answer the boy, nor to turn around and look at him, afraid he wouldn't be able to cope with the look in his eyes as he crushed all of his hope.
Had he not listened to anything he had said?
Brendan cursed himself for giving in to the boy whilst they had been in that room together. He had panicked after being dragged out of court, wanted to make sure that Steven knew the thing with his Dad had to be kept secret. He fooled himself into believing that this was the only reason he had asked to see him – as if every fibre of his being hadn't been crying out for him since he saw him walk into the court room earlier that day.
When he had walked into the room, eyes laced with fear, Brendan had wanted to protect him immediately, to calm his fears, and to feel his beautiful boy close to him again. He needed to know he hadn't slipped away from him completely; and for those beautiful, heated few minutes together, Brendan opened up and let Ste see inside.
He thought he had made him see sense, thought they had had their proper goodbye now, and that they had reached a mutual understanding. Then he said those words, and Brendan knew this wasn't it for Steven – knew he wasn't giving up on him yet, and the visiting orders would just keep coming, day after day. Brendan feared he had made it so much worse by seeing Ste that day, by letting him know that their love would never die, making Ste believe that he could chip away at Brendan repeatedly and he would one day give in to him.
Brendan sat back down on his bed, leaning up against the wall and bringing his feet up onto the bed, his knees bent. He pulled out his bible and started to read, hoping to find in its words a distraction to take his mind away from Steven.
Try as he might, it wasn't working, and he found everything he read reminded him of his boy.
He realised then that he hadn't brought up the issue of Steven's behaviour, that he knew he had been due in court, had wanted to know why he had been so reckless. He cursed himself again, wanted to turn back the clock to be in that room with him again. He would have stayed more in control – not been so transparent in front of him; begged him to keep his life on the right track; made him see that there was no need for him to throw away everything he had on the outside by breaking the law and turning into as bad a person as Brendan was himself.
But he had been powerless – completely powerless – when he had come face to face with him. He always had been, but the months apart had made him so desperate, there was no chance of Brendan keeping control of what he was feeling. Even if he could say the words that he wanted Steven to hear, he couldn't stop his body from reacting as it did, making the truth known to Steven. He had always been able to read him so accurately, the two of them in such fine tune that their bodies could speak to one another, a whole conversation in one glance. He had no chance of hiding this from Steven.
He thought back to the first time he had felt that lack of composure in front of him. Sure, he had known pretty early on that this boy did strange things to him. He had watched him from afar in the club to begin with, then wormed his way into his life bit by bit, making sure Ste looked at him in the way he wanted him to. He admired so much about the boy – he seemed that little bit different to the others.
He was happy, knew how to have a laugh, was carefree and able to just be who he was all the time. He wasn't afraid to just start dancing in the middle of the club when Rae came over to audition as a DJ, even though he didn't exactly have the moves like Jagger and he was the only one on the dancefloor. Brendan would have felt so self-conscious, so exposed, but Steven just got on with it, couldn't care less if anyone saw him.
He was a brilliant father, the kind that Brendan wished he could be to Declan and Padraig. Steven would do anything to protect his kids; always looked out for them and provided for them as best he could, and never screwed things up like Brendan always seemed to.
He was fearless, couldn't help but be sassy even when his better judgement should have told him otherwise. He hadn't been scared of Brendan, even at the beginning he was blackmailing him into giving him a job, seemingly oblivious to the danger Brendan threatened to unleash. Even after he had beat him, when Steven was humiliated and victimised at Brendan's hands, he had still been there the next day, answering him back, standing up to him in a way that nobody ever had before.
And he wasn't afraid to just be open and honest about who he was. Brendan had spent years hiding, hating himself for wanting another man, always picking guys who were weak and vulnerable so that he could manipulate them into keeping quiet. He had expected Steven to be the same, but found he was so much stronger than he had anticipated. Stronger than Brendan was. Brendan had watched him, seen how quickly he had been able to accept exactly who he was, and live with the kind of pride Brendan thought he could only dream of. But Steven had helped him, had put up with all of his shit and at the end of it all, once he had chased away his demons, he had found the strength to love Brendan with all of his heart. Only then had he become vulnerable to Brendan's self destruction.
Steven had so much, so much that Brendan didn't have. It was only now he was realising that throughout it all, even right at the beginning, he never had power over him at all. It was always Steven that held the power, Steven who could control Brendan in a way none of the others had been able to, because Steven was the only one Brendan had ever loved. He really had changed everything.
Brendan remembered the first time he had felt powerless, not able to resist Steven, having to give in to him against all his better judgement. Amy had been round to deliver the news – Rae was pregnant. Her words had knocked the wind right out of his sails, knocked the air right out of his lungs. Brendan had been devastated, realising only then that he couldn't stay away from him. He had known what he had to do – that there was a child involved now, he had to end things. Steven needed to look after Rae, needed to forget about Brendan and be the father that baby deserved. Brendan had felt crushed at Amy's words, hating that it was him who had pushed Steven into Rae's arms, and insanely jealous that he could never have the kind of hold over Steven that Rae would now have.
Amy had asked him then, out of nowhere, do you love him? And Brendan hadn't been able to deny it. He couldn't lie, even if he knew he should have done. But he knew he was bad news, he knew he had to stay away. He had given Amy his word, that he would end things with Steven, then had sat there at the breakfast bar after she had left, collapsing against the worktop, the pain in his chest beating away as he saw everything slipping from his grasp.
When Steven had told him in the stairwell, he had tried to appear calm and unmoved. He was silently thankful that Amy had pre-warned him, allowing him to show no emotion in front of Steven, to appear as convincing as he needed to be when he told him he needed to stand by her, that he had been using him the previous night and that he needed to move on; to be with Rae.
But Steven hadn't stopped, hadn't given in that easily. He was still pushing it, still wanting Brendan to come up with a solution, to make it all right. He had reached out for him, and Brendan knew the only thing to do to push him away. He had grabbed his hoody and pushed him back up against the wall, resolute that he needed to do all he could to keep the boy away from him now. Ste had looked back into his eyes, so confused that he was being pushed away, yet again. How did he not understand that Brendan was doing this for his own good now?
And then he had said those words to him. Those three little words; so huge in their meaning. I love you. His heart had stopped then as he looked back at him, told him to shut up, please, just… before Ste had leant in for a kiss. He tried to push him away, to stick to his plan, but he was dizzy with what he had just told him.
In that moment Brendan had thought about the other times he had heard those words. Eileen, Vinnie, Macca. They had never once had the effect on him that Steven's words were now. Now, for the first time, he had wanted nothing more than to say them back to him, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. He knew then that it was true, that he really did love him, but he knew then that it was even more of a reason to push him away. He was no good, and Steven was so much better off without him.
He had touched his face, looked into his eyes, felt himself drawn to his lips. He knew he had to let him go, knew he shouldn't be giving in to him like this, knew it would be so much easier to push him away if he could convince him that he meant nothing to him. But he was just so powerless to stop himself, needed to taste his sweet lips against his own, even if it was for one last time.
Against all of his better judgement, against everything his head was telling him he needed to do, he gave in to his heart, for one glorious moment he just let himself pour all of his love over the boy, reaching forwards and claiming the kiss from his lips. It was tender, loving, desperate – it felt more intimate than they had ever been before, like he was allowing Steven to take a glance inside his soul. And then he had had to pull away, and it had been the hardest thing he had ever done before in his life.
-s-
"That was goodbye."
"Ah, thanks for the vote of confidence Ames," Ste retorted straight back as he let himself out of Amy's tight embrace, "you obviously think I'm going down, then."
"Well, I really can't see you getting out of this one Ste," Amy raised her voice to get her point across, although all anger she felt about the situation had evaporated, "I was there at your last trial, remember, and I don't think they'll have forgotten what you went and did straight after they let you off last time."
"Yeah, well," Ste felt defeated by her words, "Jim thinks the same, it's why I'm here ain't it, see the kids before tomorrow. Say bye to them and that."
Amy moved back from the front door to let Ste in to the flat she shared with her Dad in Manchester. It was in stark difference to the slum she had shared with Ste – this was clean, sharp, white walls and black furniture, random artwork on the walls and ornaments of no conceivable purpose dotted around the place haphazardly. It looked more like a bachelor pad for the over 40's than a home for three generations of the Barnes family, two kids included.
"Hiyaaaa!" Ste called out to Leah and Lucas, not sure of his way around the flat and hoping they would come running to him.
They did so within seconds, Leah first closely followed by her brother.
"Daddy!" They both called out as Ste knelt down to hold them both, squeezing the hug out of them as if it would be his last.
"I missed you, Daddy." Leah cooed adorably into Ste's ear, making him squeeze them both even tighter.
After a few moments he reluctantly let go. "Have you been good for your Mom and Granddad Mike?"
Amy watched on whilst leaning against the counter in the open plan kitchen, watching Ste as he played away happily with the pair of them. He was such a natural at all this, always had been, and Amy knew how lucky she was to have had two kids so young but to have always had Ste's support in their upbringing. He was a great Dad, knew how to treat them better than he knew how to treat himself, even despite his actions of late. She knew Ste was grieving, knew Brendan had taken control of his life for the past three years and that after the short taste of happiness he had given him at the beginning of the year, Ste was going to find it almost impossible to ever get over him. So she didn't lay into him about what he had done at the trial, didn't get on his back about how stupid he had been – she could see in his eyes that he knew how things were.
It did mean, however, that she was exhausted with it all. She desperately wanted to help him, to make him see that he was better off with Brendan out of his life – but no matter how many times she told him, he wouldn't have it. He seemed to get angrier each time she had said those words to him, to the point where she had given up trying to argue with him about it. She would obviously never understand what it was about Brendan that pulled Ste in, trapped him in his web and would never truly let him go.
"Hey, it's meant to be a nice day," Amy said as she joined her family in the lounge, "Bit of a heatwave, apparently. How do you fancy going out over the park for a bit?"
"Yeeeaaaahh!" Leah and Lucas sang in unison.
"Sounds good!" Ste joined in with a smile on his face.
-s-
Ste sat down on the park bench next to Amy, catching his breath as he kicked the ball back in Leah and Lucas' direction.
"You carry on without Daddy. Daddy needs to sit down for a bit."
Amy looked over to him fondly and laughed, "Not as fit as you used to be, Ste."
"Well I ain't getting as much exercise as I used to," Ste replied with a smirk, not sure if Amy understood exactly what type of exercise he was referring to.
They sat in companiable silence for a few minutes, watching their kids play happily, both feeling lucky that they had been so blessed in their life. For those few moments, they forgot about everything else – the drama, the heartbreak, the constant bickering about Brendan and how Ste had to let him go. It felt right, their little family, it had always worked so well, and Amy began to feel a pang of regret about what she was about to do.
"Ste?" she asked slowly.
"Yeah Ames."
She sighed heavily at how casual his response was, as if she was about to ask him for a cup of tea or something.
Her hesitation made Ste look up at her, where he saw the worry written all over her face. He sat up straight and gave her his full attention.
"What is it Ames?"
"Well," she was tentative, unsure how she was going to break this to him, "How would you feel if I…took the kids…to New York?"
Ste's tension washed away as he smiled at her, "Yeah, that's an ace idea. They'd love it there!"
Amy was taken back by his positive reaction, "Really?"
"Yeah, you deserve a break with 'em. I mean I took 'em to Florida didn't I and you didn't stop me. Like you said, they're your kids too, and you all deserve an holiday don't ya."
Amy screwed her face up, knowing Ste hadn't got her full meaning. She took a deep breath and carried on, "Except, I don't mean…as a holiday. I mean…I mean for good."
"You what?" Ste had changed now, had become defensive and confused, "Why you on about moving to New York again? Don't tell me loverboy has got a job over there?"
Amy swallowed, realised she hadn't even mentioned that to Ste. "Actually, we broke up. It's a long story, but it was too soon really, we were moving too fast. It was a mutual decision."
"What, and now you wanna take my kids to New York to get away from 'im? Wha – Why?" He could feel his stress levels rising as his volume did the same.
"No, it's nothing to do with him," Amy was forceful, but trying to keep her voice down for the kids, "And wasn't it only a few months back you were taking them to America with you, Ste? It's not one rule for you and another for anyone else."
"Yeah, well that was different – that was – " he didn't quite know how to finish, "That was – "
"It wasn't different at all Ste," Amy interrupted, "It's exactly the same, only you're the one left behind."
"But why New York?" He looked at her and saw it then, beginning to understand what was happening here, "Please don't tell me this is to do with Lee Hunter?"
Her silence spoke volumes. Ste groaned and leant back onto the bench, looking back at his kids and realising the situation they were in. He was up in court tomorrow, and most likely going inside for a few months at the least. He wouldn't be able to see his kids anyway – there was no way he would let Amy bring them to visit him, they were going nowhere near a prison at any time in their life.
He cared about Amy – she was his best friend, had always been there for him, even when he was at his lowest – at his worst. She had helped him through. And he knew she deserved happiness, more than anyone. He knew she had never really gotten over Lee; that despite it all, despite their reasons for breaking up, they had both genuinely loved one another. He couldn't remember Amy ever being as happy as she had been when Lee Hunter was around, as unbelievable as that was.
So he knew, deep down he knew, that he had to let her go.
"He drunk dialled me," she said out of the blue, a laugh escaping her lips at the memory of it, "said he loved me, still."
Ste shook his head but smiled back at her, "Typical Lee."
"Yeah," she smiled back. "I rang him back the next day though, and we talked. He's out there now, in New York. He's doing really well, against all the odds – you know what Lee's like. He just asked me, out of nowhere, he just asked me to come over, to be with him. As if it was the simplest thing in the world."
Ste played with his hands as he looked down to the floor. He knew what he had to do; knew what was the right thing to do for Amy and for his kids, to give them a better life.
He paused before he told her, giving himself a few more seconds to make sure he could cope with what he was about to do.
"OK," he said gently, watching her facial expression change as the realisation of what he had just said sunk in.
"What?"
He smiled at her and leant in to give her a soft hug. "I said OK, you should go."
She hugged him back tightly, "Really?! Are you sure?" She let go to look back at him, "Ste, you can come over whenever you want, you know that, and they will always be your kids – you'll always be their Dad."
"Yeah, I know Ames. It'll be hard, sure, but you deserve to be happy, and I know Lee made you happy," he raised an eyebrow at her, "just don't let Lucas turn out like him, alright?"
Amy laughed, "Nah, he's got better genes than that!"
He laughed and returned his gaze to Leah and Lucas, still happily playing together without a care in the world. He couldn't have been more different – felt as if his life was slowly breaking apart, as if everything he ever loved was just turning to dust, and soon he would be left all alone. He took a deep breath and blinked to stop the tears forming in his eyes as he felt Amy's hand reassuringly squeeze his shoulder.
-s-
The next day, Ste found himself with a strange feeling of déjà vu as he stood outside the court room with Jim, pacing nervously as he waited for his name to be called.
"Ste, calm down," Jim had pleaded with him.
How could he stay calm? He had well and truly screwed his life up, and the next hour was sure to confirm that for him.
"I thought I'd explained this to you," Jim continued, words as blunt as ever, "You're aware there's no getting out of this, Ste. It's not even a case of prepare yourself for the worst and you never know – I can tell you right now that you will get a custodial sentence. It's just a case of how long it will be," he realised then how harsh his words must have sounded to the young lad, adding a feeble "Sorry, Ste."
Ste kicked the legs of the chair slightly before sitting down, head in his hands, feeling as if this wait was lasting forever. He had heard Jim's words, knew they were true but wished that they weren't – he was petrified at the thought of spending time on the inside.
He knew he deserved it after his actions; knew the reason why he had done what he had – it had all been for Brendan. After their moment in the holding cell at Brendan's trial last week, Ste had renewed hope that they could work something out, and that Brendan would at least let him visit now. He had left the court last week and been reminded that he would be coming back here today to face his own sentencing, and he scalded himself, wondering what the hell frame of mind he had been in to get himself into trouble like this. He was sure that things would be better with Brendan now, after they had gotten the chance to clear the air a little, and now the thought of spending time on the inside, most likely without Brendan, terrified him.
But as the week had gone by, he had continued to visit Brendan each and every day, and just like the past three months, Brendan had refused to see him each time. The first couple of times, Ste convinced himself that he must have been busy, that something must have come up to prevent Brendan from being able to see him; but as the week wore on, day by day he started to realise that the pattern was setting in again.
Ste agonised over his memory of the conversation they had shared, at the time he had been so convinced that this would change everything between them. He was sure they had turned a corner that day, that they had started to understand each other better, but Ste had spent hours in that waiting room over the past week, and realised nothing had changed at all.
And now he was here, facing time on the inside and after that, a lifetime without his kids. Sure, he could go to New York to visit them, but would that ever be enough? A week or two here and there; once maybe twice a year? It killed him to think that he would be one of those Dads whose first words to their kids was always, 'look how much you've grown!' Parents shouldn't notice their kids getting taller, they should be there everyday, oblivious to those changes until one day they realise their kids are grown up, taller than them, and they wonder how that happened. That's the kind of Dad he wanted to be.
He had kissed goodbye to his kids yesterday in an emotional farewell. He wanted so desperately to protect them from all this, had tried to stay strong in front of them and promise that he would see them as soon as he could, having no idea when that would be. He had told them that they were going to love their new home, that they had to write to him all the time and to draw him lots of pictures, that he would draw some for them and send them to them too. He hugged them desperately, and vowed he would make it up to them when he saw them next, however long that may be.
Ste heard his name over the speakers as they were called through to the court room, Ste being ushered into the docks in what could have been his last moment of freedom for a long while. He realised he was all alone, that nobody was here to support him. Ste sat there and he felt scared – genuinely scared – and never more alone in his life. He was facing a stretch on the inside, a result of his own reckless behaviour, and he cursed himself for ever having been so stupid as to pull a stunt like he did.
He spoke to confirm his name and address then zoned out, allowing Jim to take the reigns in his defence. He let his thoughts wander back to Brendan, where they inevitably always seemed to go, and felt a pang of regret that he hadn't told him about his dalliance with the law. He knew from what Jim had told him that there was little to no chance of being put into the same prison ward as Brendan if he did get sent down, although he still held out a tiny ray of hope that this might happen. He vowed that if it didn't, he would write him a letter, however difficult that might be for him, to make sure that Brendan knew he hadn't deserted him. He knew Brendan would be mad at him for getting himself in trouble – knew it would drive him crazy to think that this is what Ste had succumbed to, but he knew that telling Brendan, and having him be disappointed in him, was a far better option than letting him think he had given up on him completely.
After a short while he heard the judges voice boom out over the court as he was instructed to stand for the decision of his sentence. Ste was surprised at how quick it all was, felt as if he was just another number on a conveyor belt of petty criminals who were ushered in and out of this room all day, every day. He felt nerves rush through his body, feeling sick to the pit of his stomach to think that he was back here again, in trouble with the law after all those years away from it, all those years he had tried to be a better person, the type of dad Lucas could be proud of. He closed his eyes as he listened to the verdict, the regret of his actions hitting him hard in the chest.
He was given a 6-month custodial sentence, effective immediately, with the option of being released after 3 months on good behaviour. He swallowed hard, realisation setting in about what he would be facing in the next few hours.
He looked to Jim who smiled at him sympathetically, an apology without words. He nodded back at him, thinking in that moment that he hadn't ever properly thanked him for everything he had done for him – all of his help with the trial last time, and what he had done to get him closer to Brendan again. He mouthed the words Thank you to him, but it was too late now.
He felt the officers pull his arms behind his back, the cold metal of the handcuffs against his skin, the rough edge cutting into his wrist as he tried to struggle free. This was it; he was done.
-s-
Ste looked around him as he was marched through the prison wing to his new cell. He felt utterly humiliated. He had been stripped naked and searched in places nobody should ever be searched, leaving his dignity well and truly behind him at the door as he became accustomed to the life of a prisoner.
He tried to keep his head down as much as possible, avoiding the glares of the other prisoners, but all the while glancing in every possible direction, desperate to see the one face he had come here to see. He had no idea if Brendan was on this wing, despite all his visits he had never seen him, never found out which of the 16 wings in the prison he was locked into.
He was led into his cell, towards the end of the walkway and to the right. There was a lad already in here, who Ste assumed was his new cellmate, and who looked up from the book he was reading to observe Ste with intrigue. The officers uncuffed him and pushed him further into the cell, reading him a few rules about the daily routine – lights out at 10pm, roll call at 8am, the prisoner warden will see him in his office in 15 minutes, they will come back up to get him and take him there.
They left him then to get acquainted with his new surroundings. Ste looked at the four walls around him, cold, grey and clinical. He looked down to the hard metal bed, the bucket in the corner of the room and the small basin and cracked mirror in the other corner. He felt his eyes start to fill but blinked the tears away quickly, telling himself silently to man up, or face the inevitable taunts at the hands of his fellow inmates.
As soon as the guards left, the young boy on the other bed in the cell stood up to introduce himself.
"Hi, mate, how you doing? First time is it?"
The guy seemed friendly enough – he was about Ste's age, maybe a little bit younger, with a similar build to Ste, and an easygoing demeanour. He reminded Ste of someone from the village – someone who not so long ago hard torn his life apart, but he wasn't going to hold that against this stranger. Ste wasn't foolish enough to trust his first impression, however, and decided he would reserve his judgment for a few days time. He did concede though that he could have done a lot worse for a cellmate, by the looks of some of the heavies he had spotted around the ward.
"Yeah," Ste answered him eventually, "Yeah it is. I were in young offenders a few years back but its me first time in one like this."
He tried to keep his tone as relaxed as possible, trying to play down the panic and unease that he was naturally feeling.
"It's my first time, too," the young lad replied, "Been here a month or so now, you'll get used to it. What's yer name?"
"Ste." He answered, holding out his hand to his cellmate.
The young lad took his hand and shook it confidently, looking him straight in the eye as he did so.
"Hi Ste, I'm Karl."
