A/N: Oh my God you guys, I'm so sorry for the delay in this chapter. The time gap became way bigger than I had ever planned. I just struggled so much with this chapter for so long before inspiration finally hit. For those of you reading this, thanks for not giving up on me and please accept my apology for making you wait so long. I won't make any promises for the next chapter in case I disappoint you, but I can tell you that I'm planning on having two more chapters. As for when they'll be up, I really have no idea.
Anyway, apologies aside, I really hope you enjoy what I've finally come up with. It's finally the moment for Sam and Jules's reunion, but be warned that it doesn't all go to plan. As always, I'd love to hear from you, so please review if you can.
It was late evening and Jules was just about to climb into the warm and enticing comfort of her bed when her phone rang. She was exhausted after what had been a tough day for team one, one of the days that made her want nothing more than to crawl into bed and forget about it. They had been called out to a hostage situation involving two young children and their nanny which had ended fatally for one of the subjects. Ed had been the one to take him down, but Greg had taken it the hardest, analysing his negotiations back to front in the hope that he could find where he had lost the connection.
It was something they all had to deal with after a tough call but for Greg, who most often took the lead on negotiations, it was difficult to accept the fact that he had been unsuccessful in getting through and resolving the situation without violence. His sympathetic and caring nature was part of what made him so good at what he did, but it also meant that it affected him more when things didn't go as planned. It was one of the many things Jules admired him greatly for, but sometimes it made her worry that it would one day take its toll on him.
The day had been hard for Jules too, but for a different reason. Donna Sabine was a great addition to the team, an exceptionally good cop who fit in perfectly with the guys, but Jules couldn't bring herself to accept her presence. For one, she was used to being the only girl on the team and although it was sometimes difficult to handle the testosterone- filled workplace she was proud of the fact that she had become one of the guys, accepted as not only an equal but as a valued member. Jules could handle men- she had grown up surrounded by her dad and brothers - but Donna's addition to the team created a new dynamic that she knew would take time to get used to. Seeing her name stuck outside the door to her locker room made her proud because she knew that it symbolised the achievement that so many other female cops had been trying to emulate for so long, and it had been her achievement alone.
There was also a part of her that resented Donna's presence simply for the fact that she was replacing Sam. She knew that it was petty and she hated herself for it, but it didn't make it any easier to accept. Donna had achieved the goal she had been working towards for so long while Sam was still stuck in hospital after nearly being killed on the job. It didn't seem fair that Donna's happiness came at the expense of Sam's suffering. So while Jules wanted desperately to be able to welcome her into team one, she couldn't get past the part of her that resented everything she represented.
Searching through her bag to find her ringing phone, Jules saw that it was her boss on the other end and knew instantly why he was calling. It was a relief that her mind no longer jumped to the conclusion that something terrible had happened to Sam, but she knew that Greg's call was related to their injured colleague in some way because Greg had still been at the hospital when she had left a few hours ago. He had been quiet and stoic as they had sat with Sam and Jules knew that he had come to the hospital to ease his overburdened mind after the day's events.
"Hey Sarge," she said by way of greeting, sitting down cross-legged on her bed. "What's going on?"
"Jules, I have some good news," Greg said, sounding much less troubled than he had the last time she had seen him. "Sam woke up not long after you left. He was still pretty weak but he was talking for a few minutes."
Jules beamed at the news, running her hand through her hair in relief at hearing that Sam was finally aware enough to talk to Greg. The last few days had been horribly frustrating as Sam tried to break through the barrier of unconsciousness and each time he had opened his eyes they had been met with the disappointment of his unaware state. Even so, Jules was horribly annoyed that she had just missed his bout of consciousness. It was too late now to go back to the hospital as visiting hours would be over by the time she got there, so she would have to wait until tomorrow to see Sam.
"How was he?" she asked Greg, eager to know every detail of Sam's waking until she could talk to him herself.
"He was pretty confused," Greg told her. "He couldn't remember what had happened or why he was in the hospital. I had to explain everything to him."
Jules felt a rush of sympathy for Sam, who had woken up without any knowledge of where he was and why. If it had been her she would have been terrified, and it was even worse that Greg had to tell him that he had nearly died three weeks ago. She couldn't imagine what it would be like to hear something like that. "How did he take it?" Jules asked tentatively, not wanting to hear about Sam's distress but at the same time wanting to know every detail of his waking.
"He was pretty surprised to say the least," Greg joked, "but to be honest he took it better than I would have expected. His main concern was for you."
"Me?" Jules asked in surprise. That was not what she had been expecting to hear. "Why the hell was he worried about me?"
"I told him that you were with him on the roof and he was worried that something had happened to you," Greg explained.
Jules let out a laugh of disbelief. "He's the one lying in the hospital and he was worried about me?" It was typical of Sam to worry about someone else before himself, and it made her heart warm that not only had he been concerned for her but that despite everything he had gone through he was still Sam. She was just grateful to have the man she knew back.
Greg laughed softly over the phone, obviously thinking the same thing as her. "He fell asleep after they gave him some pain medication but the doctor says he should be able to stay awake for longer periods of time now."
Jules frowned at Greg's mention of pain medication, knowing that with the extent of Sam's injuries he was likely to be in pain for a while but not liking to hear the reality of it all the same. "Was it bad?" she asked, biting her lip. "The pain I mean."
Greg sighed on the other end of the line as though he had been expecting the query. "Jules, with what he's been through some pain is to be expected. I know you're worried but the doctors are doing everything they can to ease his pain."
"Yeah I know," she whispered, fiddling with her bed sheets and worrying her bottom lip between her teeth again. "I just don't like to think of him waking up alone and in pain."
"Jules there are loads of great people here to take care of him," Greg reminded her softly. "He won't be alone, I promise."
"Ok," Jules gave in. The whole conversation had turned from a joyous celebration of Sam's waking into a sombre reflection on the new stage of his recovery. The doctor had told them right after Sam's surgery that it would take a lot of time, pain and effort to recover from both his injuries and the efforts they had made to save his life but at the time it had seemed like so much of a preferable outcome that she hadn't fully considered the implications. She knew he was going to need all the help he could get to get through this, and she hoped that the prospect of his full recovery would be enough to see them all through the difficult times ahead.
The next morning, Jules was out of bed as early as she thought socially acceptable and after a quick shower headed straight to the hospital without any of her usual morning routine. The prospect of seeing Sam awake and being able to talk to him for the first time in three weeks without complete silence answering her was making her nervous, and her fingers tapped impatiently on the steering wheel as she made her way towards the hospital.
The ICU was unusually quiet as visiting hours had only just begun and in her excitement she was one of the first to arrive. Sam's doctor was leaning on the nurse's station writing something on a chart but when he saw her coming down the hall he started towards her.
"Jules," he greeted her, smiling warmly. "How did I know that I might find you here? Did Greg tell you the news?"
"Yeah he did," she told him, nodding her head in affirmation, trying desperately not to look towards Sam's door down the hallway. "I would have come in last night but with Sam's impeccable sense of timing he woke up when visiting hours were just about over."
The doctor laughed at that and shrugged. "As always the medical profession is an unpredictable one. Much like your line of work I imagine."
Joking aside, the doctor took on a more serious tone as he looked down at the chart he was holding, which Jules now realised to be Sam's. "I gave him some pain medication after he woke up yesterday so he slept through the night but if you sit with him he should come round in the next little while."
"Will he be in pain?" Jules asked him, last night's worry still fresh in her mind.
"We're managing his dosage closely so he shouldn't be," the doctor answered sympathetically, obviously used to the question, "but if he is just come and get me or one of the nurses, ok?"
Jules nodded and the doctor gave her a comforting pat on the shoulder as he walked past, leaving Jules to make her way towards Sam's room, opening and closing his door as quietly as she could so as not to disturb him, knowing that his need for rest took precedence over her desire to see him awake.
Sam was lying peacefully, his breathing slow and even in the depths of sleep. His face was relaxed and held no trace of pain or stress, as though she could have woken up to see the same expression lying on the pillow next to her instead of on the face of a man who had spent the past three weeks in hospital. Jules didn't know if it was natural or medication-induced but she was nonetheless grateful to see him looking so wonderfully normal.
Sitting down on the chair by his bed, she curled her legs up under her and watched the rise and fall of his chest, each repetition making her feel more and more settled. Sitting there with him was different from when he had been unconscious, knowing that this time he was only sleeping and could wake up any minute, and though it should have felt strange to watch someone sleep so intently, the knowledge only gave her a strong feeling of peace and comfort.
As time ticked slowly by, Jules began to wonder if Sam would even wake up before she had to head into work for her shift. She was torn between wanting to wake him up and letting him get the rest he so desperately needed if he was going to get back on his feet anytime soon.
Just as she was about to give up on seeing Sam awake until after shift, Sam made the decision for her as he shifted slightly in the bed, his head drifting to the side until it was facing her. Taken by surprise, Jules shuffled her chair closer to the bed and grabbed Sam's hand lightly between hers, waiting impatiently for him to surface.
Sam's eyes opened slowly, as though his eyelids had much further to travel than the centimetre it took to bring them to half-mast, his gaze first looking down at his hand in confusion to see who was holding it, before his blue eyes followed Jules's arm up to take in her face. After struggling for a moment to adjust after the change in focus, Sam's eyes eventually locked straight on to hers, and Jules could see the recognition sweep across his face, his features brightening from their tired blankness as the corners of his mouth turned up in a smile. It was a weak attempt, but Jules almost choked on a sob at the gesture. It may have been a miniscule and lacklustre movement, but at that moment it was everything to Jules. After spending three weeks sitting beside his still form, the sincerity and overall Samness of the expression was enough to make her cheeks strain with the strength of her own smile.
"Hey," Sam rasped out, his smile barely wavering as he ground out the word from between cracked and pale lips. He didn't even seem to notice their condition, or the weakness of his own voice which was still harsh from sitting idle for three weeks. His eyes didn't leave hers, and Jules found she couldn't bear to break his gaze for fear of losing it altogether.
"Hey yourself," she said lamely, gripping his hand harder between her own and feeling a flash of happiness as she felt his fingers squeeze back. "If you weren't still in a hospital bed right now I'd kick your ass for scaring us like that. For scaring me like that." It was a lame attempt at a joke with just an ounce of truth behind it. Jules was angry for the worry they had all gone through, but she could never have been mad at Sam even if she wanted to. None of this had been his fault. The only reason he was still here at all was because he was too darn stubborn not to come through this.
Nevertheless, Sam's smile dropped at the comment, his face taking on an expression of guilt. "I'm sorry," he whispered, screwing his eyes shut against the realisation of the worry he had caused, swallowing harshly at the reality of the situation. "Sarge told me I've been here for a while." Opening his eyes again, he didn't look Jules in the eye, casting his gaze downwards to where her hand was entangled with his own.
"Sam," Jules said softly but firmly, bringing her free hand up to the side of his face, feeling the tenseness of his jaw. This was typical of Sam, always worrying about how everyone else felt before considering himself. "Look at me," she urged, waiting for his eyes to drift groggily back up to hers, confusion and guilt still evident in his expression. "No one blames you for anything. We were worried about you because we care about you." Jules steeled herself, dropping her own gaze for a moment before reconnecting with Sam's steely blue one. "I was worried about you because I love you."
Sam inhaled sharply at the words, his hand unconsciously contracting in hers. Jules brought it to her lips and gave it a gentle kiss, hoping to convey the truth of what she had just said with the gesture, waiting for Sam to respond.
Sam seemed to struggle for a minute as he considered what he had just heard. "Jules..."
He started to formulate a response but her name had caught in his throat, and a rattling cough barked past his lips suddenly and violently. The sound was terrible, the remaining fluid in his lungs obvious by the wet crackling sound that emerged with every contraction of his chest. In a panic, Jules placed one hand on his chest and the other on his forehead, trying in vain to keep the involuntary movement of the coughing fit from causing Sam too much pain.
It was too late. Sam's left arm curled around his chest, his other hand grasping at the sheets in desperation as the pain and lack of oxygen took over, causing the monitors to beep shrilly as they registered his rising heart rate. He continued to cough violently, seemingly unable to catch his breath as his body contracted ruthlessly under Jules hand. She could only wonder what kind of pain the coughing fit was inflicting on his delicate body, still desperately fragile after his surgery and ensuing infection.
"Sam," Jules cried desperately, panic rising further in her chest as she watched him gasp for air, "you need to calm down. Breathe Sam."
Her words didn't seem to be getting through to him, the rattling in Sam's chest continuing to force its way out of his body, and it was with great relief that she saw a Sam's doctor and one of the nurses sweep into the room, obviously alerted by the changing heart rate and loud monitors.
Reluctantly, Jules released her hold on Sam as she allowed the nurse to take her spot, knowing that Sam was beyond her help at the moment and feeling once again the sense of helplessness that had been a constant companion during Sam's hospital stay. She watched anxiously, her hand over her mouth as the doctor injected medication into Sam's IV line while the nurse replaced Sam's nasal cannula with an oxygen mask to help him get the air he so desperately needed.
"Sam," the doctor said firmly and authoritatively, holding Sam's face lightly in his hands so he could see the doctor in his eye line."I know it feels like you're suffocating right now but it's because you're panicking, alright? You can breathe, but you have to calm down. Focus on the rhythm of your breathing, try to slow it down."
Sam's eyes screwed shut in concentration, beads of sweat apparent on his stark white face from the strain of the coughing fit and the pain it was causing. After a few seconds his gasping, rattling breaths started to slow and the colour gradually began to return to his face. It took another minute before his breathing returned to a reasonable rhythm, although a slight wheeze was still apparent with every inhalation.
Jules felt her own heart rate slowing with Sam's, the panic of the last few minutes slowly receding as she sighed in relief at the return of calm. For a moment she had thought she was going to have to watch Sam's breathing fail altogether, the memory of his time on the ventilator leading her mind to jump to all sorts of unpleasant circumstances. The doctor was speaking softly to the nurse, who injected more medication into Sam's IV as the doctor checked Sam's dressings for any ripped stitches, taking the time to listen to Sam's strained lungs. Sam lay still under his ministrations except for the welcome rise and fall of his chest.
"Is he ok?" Jules managed to say, her voice strangely loud in the renewed silence that followed the frantic activity.
Putting his stethoscope back around his neck, the doctor smiled tiredly but warmly at her, leaving Sam's bedside to place a reassuring hand on her arm. "He's ok now Jules. The coughing is to be expected with the trauma to his lungs and the chest tube being removed so recently but I think with the stress of the last couple of days he just panicked. It can happen quite easily to patients who are still a little confused and weak after an extended period in hospital."
Jules nodded meekly, arms folded tightly across her chest and hands squeezing her arms tightly with unreleased tension. She had come in this morning with the hope of a fairytale reunion, but it seemed to her now that she had let her mind run away from her. She had to remember that Sam had been through a lot and still had many struggles ahead of him before he was back to being her Sam again. Maybe she had expected too much.
"I gave him some more pain medication and the episode has taken all of his energy, so he should be asleep for a while now." Jules nodded her understanding. Sam had been weak to begin with and the battle against his revolting lungs must have used up all the energy he had in reserve.
The doctor seemed to sense her unease and sought to reassure her. "Things like this are to be expected, Jules, especially with what he went through. Don't let it get to you."
Nodding minutely, Jules continued to watch Sam's chest rise and fall, taking comfort in its relative steadiness. It wasn't just the recent episode that was playing on her mind, it was the fact that she had told Sam that she loved him before it had happened and he hadn't even had a chance to respond. Had her declaration been the thing that had caused him to panic? She realised now that coming out with something so big when Sam had just woken up from three weeks unconscious was probably too much for him to handle, but at the time all she wanted to do was to confess to him what those weeks had reinforced in her mind. Faced so many times since the shooting with the prospect of losing Sam, she had finally come to the realisation that if he had died she would never have had the opportunity to tell him how she felt. If he were to leave this world, she would want it to be with the knowledge that he was loved.
As the doctor went back to Sam and continued to check for any damage caused by the episode, Jules sighed in frustration at the realisation that she was most likely already late for her shift, which she would have to spend the entirety of wondering what Sam had been about to say to her before he had been cut off by his damaged lungs.
But even though she knew she should be heading to work straight away if she wanted to make it before the team started to worry, Jules couldn't find it in her to tear herself away from the fragile form in the bed in front of her. As she watched Sam's breath fog up the oxygen mask that continued to feed air to his starved lungs she began to wonder, not for the first time, how on earth they were going to come out the other side of this without feeling the effects of the physical and mental scars that this period had left behind. Was it too much to believe that everything could return to normal after the upheaval of Sam's shooting? Looking at Sam now, it seemed to Jules that it was looking less and less likely every day.
