Title: Altruism
Status: Ongoing. One more (that will be appropriately long.)
Pairings: Chihaya x Taichi.
Warnings: So I said I was back and then I disappeared for half a year. Sorry about that. Bide in mind that I finish my projects though, so even if I do go along long periods without updating, that I'm here, and I will wrap my shit up. Though, honestly, the writing in this one sucks..just bear with me.
Comments: So season three is still not a reality after these two years? I guess I can't expect it to. It's a shame.
I'm heading to the college of my dreams on my birthday. I'm incredibly happy, and incredibly nervous. It feels like the rest of my life will be beginning at that point. I will miss the people here that I will leave so so much.
Chapter Eight: Youth
So Taichi can make that kind of face too.
Chihaya loosely wrapped her fingers around her Daddy bear pen, swirling the end on her desk so she could hear each little click as it slid around the indentations on the wood. These kinds of things...she wasn't close enough to the window to be able to daydream, twitching, trying to imagine her knees leaning on the tatami mats. So she would settle for these kinds of fidgeatations.
Lately, she would also watch the back of Taichi's neck, which she had a straight on view of, because he would always be dutifully looking forward to the board. They were supposed to be working on some kind of worksheet, so his head was bent down now, and his shoulders were slightly hunched.
That face, which looked careful, was scrunched, felt like inherent rejection. Chihaya had made that kind of face before, but she never expected Taichi to make it as well. She kept sliding her pen around, analyzing the bob of Taichi's head. He was probably effortlessly scribbling across the worksheet. Knowing him, he probably just went and studied after meeting last night...
It made her pissed off.
She wanted to lean over and brush his neck, or something, force him closer to her, but instead she sat, with a sour saliva.
There's something that I want to do.
Are you ok?
Let's talk.
You should talk to me.
She swirled around the pen faster, watching the neck more intently, so close that she could imagine zooming up to him like a camera lenses. She felt like her head was matching those whirls, as if there were quiet swirls in her head.
You know I won't go if you don't want to.
That smelled like contempt to her. He didn't mean it that way, obviously, but Chihaya hadn't looked up at him and seen him so looming, so far above her, and her arms feeling strangely cold.
Chihaya?
Please.
ClaCCKK!
Chihaya jumped in her seat, squeaking in the process. Her pen rolled in a forlorn way on the ground, and her fingers grasped lifelessly. Half of her classmates, including Taichi, shot a back glance. Embarrassed, Chihaya raised her hands, taking a moment to awkwardly cover her lightly pink face and short bangs, before swooping down and grabbing the pencil quickly.
Taichi still stared. Chihaya tried not to meet his gaze, but as she pulled herself up, she instinctively looked towards his direction, and they locked eyes.
Crap, she thought, as he stared at her with knitted eyebrows and mouthed 'are you ok?'
She dipped her head. Those kinds of kindness, shown when she was the most stressed and sad, made her want to cry. She swallowed and then smiled at him cheerily, nonsensically flapping a hand, and hoping her strong blush wouldn't tick him off to anything.
"You've really been off your game for these few weeks, Chihaya...but your grades still suck, so you don't have any justification for being really busy! I expected you to get better since the Queen matches are coming up."
Chihaya wiped the sweat off her fringe of her forehead, staring at the cards Nikuman-kun's stubby fingers were sweeping up swiftly. A 7 card difference, a stinging, obvious defeat. "Sorry.."
"You're apologizing for defeat?" Nikuman's head snapped up. "What the hell? Are you okay? Should I go get you something?"
Chihaya winced, not wanting to look around for fears of the other club members worried, judgmental looks. "No. I'm fine. I'd like to take a break though."
She could feel Nikuman watching her get up, and she felt her disappointment and blush increasing. Suddenly, Sumire-chan shouted halfway across the room, "I'll get us all drinks."
Before Chihaya could yell no, Sumire-chan had slipped out the door. She wildly glanced around at the club members, not sure what to do. She didn't want to stay. The air inside the room was thick, a humid kind of sticky, and she wanted to leave.
Taichi's eyes were boring into her. "I'll go with you," Chihaya screeched, dashing out, only taking a few seconds to slip on shoes. "SuMIREEEEEEEE," she continued to scream, sliding across the concrete outside, and Sumire-chan turned around with a scared look on her face.
"Chihaya, are you ok? Do you need something?" She winced, probably of the sight of Chihaya bent over, heaving for breath. Chihaya wouldn't blame her.
"No, I'm fine. I just wanted to go with you, is that ok?"
"No, I mean, it's fine, if you want to. I thought you wanted to take a break." Sumire awkward rubbed her neck, her ponytails falling over her lopsidedly.
"I did. This is my break. We can talk meanwhile!" Did she just see Sumire wince again? Was something really wrong with her today? Was everybody just judging her today?
No.
The same way the sun felt harsher, blinding, the same way the pen had feel clunkier in her hand, the same way the cards slipped from her crumbling hands. Somehow, she had become more hyper-aware, sensitive, of everything wrong.
Sumire checked her fingernails, nodded and started walking forward again, faster. The trees around them were warm and leafy, inviting them to walk faster in their direction. Chihaya did a couple of haphazard leaps to be able to join her. "Sumire-chan, I wanted to ask, why did you leave the clubroom the other day?"
Sumire whipped her head around, staring at Chihaya with her large, heavily mascaraed eyes. She opened her mouth, closed, opened. Then she laughed and shook her head. "I like Mashima."
Now it was Chihaya's turn to be shocked. "WHAT?!"
Sumire gave a wry smile, and flipped her pigtails behind her as she continued to walk at a steady pace. "I've liked him ever since I've started high school. I joined the karuta club so I could pursue him."
Chihaya blinked rapidly, and then placed her head on Sumire's shoulder. She felt Sumire jump, and then stay still for a moment. Finally, she placed a tentative hand on Chihaya's back. "It's ok...I like him. I like Mashima more than anything. So I want him to be with you."
Chihaya felt her eyes leak, and smear tiny pools into the fabric of Sumire's shirt. She lifted herself up so slightly to rub her eyes, but then ended up continuing to cry harder. "Sumire, Sumire...Taichi wants to leave...he's going to leave us."
Sumire stiffened, her bones jolting upwards and knocking Chihaya. She immediately grasped Chihaya's shoulders and forced her to look straight in her eyes. "What? What are you talking about?"
Chihaya paused a wail to stammer out a response. "H-he...wants to go-o-o..overseassss...he thinks it will be good for him aca-aa-academica-llleee..."
Chihaya felt Sumire's hands fall, and then the rest of her eyes become a visual blur as she cried, and cried. Her knees felt penetrably weak, and she sank to the ground slowly. Chihaya thought Sumire could be hugging her, or something, but she couldn't exactly know for sure.
"Do you love Mashima?"
The concrete ground was too warm. Sooner or later, Chihaya would have to get up, but she felt absolutely drained. It was an even stronger exhaustion than she had when she finished a karuta match. At least when she woke up from a karuta match, she could meet a new aversion, a stronger opponent, or a friend. With this, either way, she would look up, and the enemy would still be there.
"I love him."
If he left...if he did...what would she do? That time when he was missing from school, the minutes that passed with Taichi's empty seat ate at her heart. She had laid in bed, holding up a stack of cards between her fingers, and then let them fall on top of her. They smacked on her cheeks, brushed off her chest and piled interconnected on her bare neck. Then she methodically collected them, and did it again.
"He is my best friend."
She thought of his face, his ridiculously long eyelashes, and his steady hands and his white neck. She didn't even think about a boyfriend girlfriend relationship, or anything like that. All she focused on was about was her strong urge for him to be with him again. She would have done anything to get him back on her side. On the day she went to his house, she had gone to school and felt herself almost suffocate. She had sat in class, stared at the board, and legitimately felt her throat almost close, remembering she hadn't seen Taichi for days, and wishing a million wishes simultaneously, all linked to wanting to see him.
"You should just know...I like Mashima a lot. I didn't truly like him at first, but as I got to know him, I really fell for him. I wanted to see him happy."
And so she had confessed, and they embarked on a romantic relationship. And then Taichi said something like that, and what was she supposed to make of that? How was that supposed to make any sense? So if he did love her, and wanted to see her happy, why would he do the exact opposite of making her happy?
"No."
"What?"
"I just...I don't know."
Sumire blew air out of her mouth. Chihaya imagined physical air puffs streaming out, her eyes still closed. "I wanted to see him happy, and you made him happy. If this makes him happy, then maybe you should let him do it."
"I know that's what I'm supposed to do," Chihaya weakly muttered, flickering her eyes open. "But he's karuta club president. And I don't know what I would do without him. I would feel empty all the time."
She could hear Sumire shift around, her pants scraping on the concrete, and then she was looking at Chihaya, with a halo of light surrounding her. "Let's go back, Chihaya."
"When did you become such a grown up woman, Sumire-chan?" Chihaya murmured, still on the ground, lying still. "When did everyone change? When did everything become so strange, all of a sudden?"
Sumire paused. Then she held out her hand. "It was liking the president, if you must know. He made me a better person, because he worked so hard to become better himself. Liking him has been the best decision I've made this year." She chuckled lightly, and then made a sudden sour face. "The club members are worried. We have to head back.
Chihaya took her hand. "I like you, Sumire-chan. Thank you."
Sumire pulled her up swiftly, giving a quick up and down glance and then brushing the dust off of both of them. "I like you too. I'm glad I met you. I'm glad I started to play karuta." She started to turn around toward the school, and then glanced back at Chihaya. "I didn't want to come today, honestly. I really didn't feel so great about karuta...but I'm glad about coming today too. Chihaya, please tell Mashima how you feel."
Instead, Chihaya went home and called Arata.
"What's wrong?" Arata's thick accented voice streamed like honey through the phone receiver. Chihaya felt so relieved and excited for that familiar voice, though her fingers twitched with her conscious cruelty. Taichi must have been feeling like crap. If he knew he was doing this now, he'd be crushed.
"Arata...Taichi is planning to go to America." Chihaya blurted. She clasped her hand around her mouth, and coughed loudly, hoping the loudness of it would mask her revelation over the connection lines.
"What?..." A uncommonly soft, lilting reply from Arata. Chihaya clenched her fist, reminding herself to breathe.
"He doesn't know for sure yet. He just told me yesterday that he might. It's not a sure thing."
There was a long silence on the phone and then, "I see."
"Arata, let's convince him to stay. He's not that strong on going. He needs to stay. He needs to play with us." Chihaya couldn't even muster up the energy to cry, or anything. Her eyes were dry, and rubbing them hurt the skin around.
"Chihaya...I decline."
"Why?" Chihaya gulped, playing with the strings of her jacket, winding over her fingers tightly so that her flesh purpled at the edges. "Why? Don't you want him to stay? He needs to stay."
"He doesn't."
Chihaya raised her voice to a high pitched interval. "You don't understand then. Does he not matter to you? Arata—"
"Chihaya!" She stopped at his interruption, gasping a little bit, her heart rate speeding. And then softly, wavering over the line—"I'm sorry."
"I first thought, that would give me more opportunity to be at your side. And I wish for that. I'm selfish, so I'm sorry."
Chihaya plopped her head resoundingly against her desk, feeling her heart swell and pound violently. She was sure that her eartips must be red too.
Back in that room again, listening to that tape, watching Arata swipe the cards, with that characteristic bent of his back. Taichi's mean spirited suspicion softening to genuine interest, a genuine sweet smile. Her fingers sprawled around those cards, enjoying their feel. She saw Arata as she thought he was; so clearly and cleanly, did she begin loving him that day.
She almost banged her head, but slipped a hand underneath so she wouldn't. She felt tears pool on her skin, and cursed herself for crying in such a dehydrated state. "I love karuta. And I love playing with you...I liked you so much. You were my dream, you will be that star for me."
She didn't even know what she was saying, she was just rambling, saying what was on her mind. All of a sudden, she realized she probably just did that way too much. She had to think, if she could cry while thinking she couldn't, she could probably figure out something. The right choice. Thank gosh that Arata was silent. Thank gosh he wasn't giving her a response.
Oh gosh. Why wasn't he responding?
"Arata? Are you there?" It came in rasp, and she wished strangely she could have sounded more delicate, more girly.
"I am. I'm thinking, could you wait a moment?"
Of course he was. She was the only one this stupid to keep on going all brainless, just moving around her big mouth, not knowing—
"Chihaya?"
"Arata?"
"Chihaya, did you know I like you?"
She closed her eyes. No.
And then moments began to fly by, as if on a huge global panorama, all in the seconds, rapid, rapid, rapid. Winning her Queen match, stumbling over to the next room and watching Arata win his match, confessing embarrassingly to him in front of the cameras. Ambling to his open arms, embracing and being cheered by the audience, heading home holding hands and grinning like fools, coming to their societies, and introducing themselves as lovers. Winning match after match, sweet kisses and hugs, millions of smiles and support and love, growing old playing karuta over and over again, reigning as the legendary karuta couple for years and years...
Where's Taichi?
Her eyes flipped open.
Taichi?
His eyes, his hair, his smile, his heart. Everything.
I want Taichi.
This future. She clenched his fists, letting it slip away as Taichi's smiling face dominated all of her thoughts, her heart.
"Taichi..."
"I see." Arata's deep voice speaking again startled her, and her room came into such blinding focus, the edges of her walls and desk sharply black and clear. "Chihaya, go talk to him. I need you to."
"Are you sure?"
"I think I would break right now if you did not."
Quite thankfully, it did not take her much effort or especially thinking at all to make her way to his house. Robotically, she knocked on the door.
Mrs. Pressure opened it. Of course she did. Chihaya suddenly became aware of her sweaty karuta clothes, her ratty hair, and her heavy, gross breathing.
But instead of slamming the door in her face, or even saying anything, his mom whisked the door open further, and headed without a word back inside. Tentatively, Chihaya walked in, still waiting for Mrs. Pressure to yell at her to get out, passive aggressively mock her or something mean, but she was nowhere to seen.
She wandered around aimlessly, looking at the impeccable layout of Taichi's perfect house. She'd been strongly jealous...her own house had been maybe about half the size of Taichi's, and they were still continuing to pay mortgage to that day. Chihaya hadn't exactly realized those financial technicalities at that age, but she knew on that day she visited once that there was a breadth of difference between them. Taichi, who studied until his eyes drooped dramatically in the next morning, who would whop her head carelessly at school but squirmed at the sight of his mother, who would call her out on her stupid actions and was always so preoccupied in looking cool and popular.
Somehow, without noticing, when Taichi returned to her in high school, the bridge had been considerably lessened. He was poised but didn't care nearly as much about his popularity or reputation, he would blatantly ignore his mother, and he stayed at her side without any criticism of her obsessions.
How long has Taichi liked me?
Chihaya readyed herself at the foot of the clear stairs, waffling over whether or not to go up or not. She was suddenly plagued from this question; it bothered her, as it meant something, but she felt so tired she wouldn't be able to figure it out. No matter how much karuta stamina she might have, thoughts other than the sport was thrown to the back burner and marinated for uncomfortably long times before she confronted them later with energy.
"Hi."
She looked up. Taichi was there right at the top, wearing the same karuta practice outfit, with socks. He smiled calmly at her, and Chihaya was reminded of his insane composure he had during his most intense karuta matches.
Mashima is distinctly stronger when you're not around.
Taichi took his hand off the banister and motioned for her to come up. Chihaya looked down, and shyly clambered her way up.
"You said once that I should not just casually go into a guy's room," Chihaya said quietly as she approached him. He didn't move, so as she stepped a few more times she ended up being in the same space as he was, so that she could hear his breath from her left ear.
Taichi gave a dry looking smile. "Do you wanna go in? I can't promise you'll be completely unbothered there."
Chihaya ducked her head, feeling a blush come. She had been blushing a lot this week. "Um, yeah. Let's go."
He took her hand. She hoped he couldn't feel her pulsating veins in her hands, because she could hear them in her ears. He closed the door behind them, and Chihaya rubbed her forehead furiously.
"Chihaya, I should have told you it was just an idea that I was throwing out. I wasn't really seriously considering it." He plopped down casually on the couch, and Chihaya again felt irritation that he wasn't flustered, that he was handling it so smoothly. "It was something my father suggested to me, and I can flat out refuse. They obviously can't force me to go. So. I'll stay. It's perfectly fine, so don't look so sad."
Chihaya stood a foot away from him, looking at a spot inches away from his hand on the couch. She didn't respond, and Taichi didn't add anything. Finally, still not looking at him, she carefully sat down, not even trying to reorganize her thoughts.
"How long have you liked me?"
Finally, Taichi had a reaction, raising his eyebrows and staring at her. Then, he folded his hands. "Since elementary school. Maybe since we first met there. But, I didn't realize until middle school. But I've liked you since then. I haven't liked anyone else." He said this steadily, making eye contact a few tentative times, his voice tapering off in the end.
Chihaya racked her brain at the revelation, trying to translate to what it meant. This whole time. All these years.
I've been ignoring him while he stays by my side.
All these times she'd drooled over Arata, defeating him in their close matches, barely absorbing his comforting gestures.
She started to cry again, which seemed to shock Taichi. He widened his eyes, and then rushed up, and came back with a bottle of water. She received it wordlessly.
"You should go."
"Are you pitying me?" Taichi bopped the water in her hands, and then swooped in to her face without a moment's hestiation. Chihaya made a little eek, and then all of a sudden he was kissing her lightly. On her nose, on her cheeks, and then she closed her eyes and he kissed their edges, which were sore and red. He paused for a moment, and Chihaya opened her eyes, staring straight into Taichi's clear brown ones. "I don't ever regret liking you. I like so many things about you. But, you should know my favorite thing is that you make me so much better. You make me work so much harder."
Another kiss right in between her eyes. Chihaya scrunched and squirmed, feeling embarrassed and warm inside. "I like you. I love you. I'm in love with you. So don't be sad."
"B-but.." Chihaya stammered for a moment, and then charged in blurting, "go! Why won't you go? Why?"
Ah.
So here it was.
She was sad because she knew what she wanted. She knew it already. This whole day, she wasted trying to come to a conclusion she already knew.
"I-I, I don't know. But, you should go. Because these years, all I've done is hurt you, and ask you to do things for me." She reached to wipe her tears, but her face was dry. The tears must have gone on his lips. "I want you to do something for yourself. Because, I think karuta is so much fun in a team, but I like playing for myself."
A small gasp from her shortened breaths. "I want you to play for yourself. I know this is your dream. I don't know if America is even good with medicine or whatever, but I do know this is something that Taichi is interested in. So please do it."
She finally ventured for direct eye contact, and saw Taichi's pretty, watery eyes, with his own tears rimming his long eyelashes. She scooted in, and placed her head on his head. "Please do it."
"Tsk." She felt his hands run through her hair. "I really didn't want to cry today."
"Did I look I wanted toooo," Chihaya whined, clamping an hand around his. Her heart felt wobbly, but suddenly at peace as well. This was the correct pathway to take. She knew it; she felt it.
"I've liked you for ten years." Taichi whispered near her ear. "I don't intend on losing you for the next four. So don't forget about me. Wait."
"I will. You too."
"There won't be a problem with that."
Thanks for reading.
