This chapter contains both trains and training. You have been warned.
Review replies:
TweenisodeOrange: The Dude abides. :P Thanks for the comment.
OMAC001: Oh, I have something special in mind for that... Thanks for reading!
Chapter Seven: Down to Business
Dipper climbed down from the tree, brushing himself of eucalyptus and shaking his head as he put on his hat.
"Ow, my back hurts," he muttered.
"You slept in a tree," replied Sam. "You saw this coming."
"Worth it," grumbled Dipper.
"Alright," said Sam, "we've still got a way to go, so let's get started." He started to lead the group along the river, whistling to himself as he navigated the trees. "Oh yeah," he added, "watch out for the plants – some of 'em are dangerous."
"...Dangerous how?" asked Dipper, nervously.
"Well, if you brush anything on the Gympie Gympie, you'll feel like you're on fire," replied Sam, nonchalantly, "and you won't be able to get the stingers out for weeks. Real nice stuff..."
Dipper visibly paled.
"Sam, don't mess with Dipper," grunted Wendy.
"I'm not, I'm describing a real plant that really exists," replied Sam, smirking. "Though admittedly not anywhere near here. It lives in rainforests."
Dipper glared at the Summer Knight.
"Had you going there, though, didn't I?"
"Let's just get a move on," sighed Dipper.
Soos leapt out the window of the windmill, followed closely by an explosion. Mabel held onto his shoulders, screaming as they fell to the ground.
"Oh, for goodness sakes."
The gravity momentarily weakened, allowing them to float harmlessly to the ground.
"What was that?" the voice of Mother Winter demanded.
"I dunno, dude," sighed Soos, mopping his brow. "I was just...it was just bread!"
"Nice escape, though," said Mabel.
"Thanks, hambone."
"I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times," grumbled Mother Winter. "Anything in that building could be enchanted. Anything! Stop tripping the traps!"
"Oh, leave them be," interjected Mother Summer, "It's not like they've done it that often."
"Except for the time we set off the wall-arrows," said Mabel.
"...And the time we tripped over the sludge monster," added Soos.
"...And the time I let my doll form get taken by the cat," added Mabel.
"...And the time we got enchanted to get stuck in the same conversation loop for an hour," added Soos.
"...And that thing about the doohickie with the really long..."
"I get the point," interrupted Mother Summer.
"Alright, I am getting past caring," snapped Mother Winter. "I don't care how negligent you are. I don't care how hungry you are. We are going to teach you to fight shapeshifters. If you don't learn in the next half-hour I will turn that world into a normal painting with you in it, so help me..."
"You don't mean that," interrupted Mother Summer.
"Don't tell them that, I'm trying to motivate them," grunted Mother Winter.
"To be honest," said Mabel, "I don't really see how some kind of trap-building meets death race thing is really helping us to fight the Morrigan."
"Yeah, dude," added Soos. "Can't you get something a little more...shapey and shiftery?"
There was a long silence.
"Is that a challenge,Mr. Ramirez?" asked Mother Winter.
"Uh, n-no, I was just..." stammered Soos.
"Well," said Mother Winter, "let the challenge commence."
The world around them changed.
They were now standing in a small, dark stone room, almost like a dungeon. There was a single wooden door ahead of them, the words 'ENTER AT OWN PERIL' emblazoned on the front.
"Beyond there," said Mother Winter, "is a shapeshifting monster. You must defeat it to leave that realm. My advice to you?" There was a long pause. They could almost hear the unpleasant smile that was likely appearing on Mother Winter's face. "Adapt or perish."
"I gotta work for the Sidhe more often," exclaimed Stan. "This plane is great!"
He was sitting in a very comfortable chair in a private jet that belonged to the Winter Court. Outside, the world below streamed by impossibly quickly – Gordon had said that they'd be in Brussels within the next four hours.
"Don't get used to it, Pines," snapped Gordon, who was sitting a short distance away and reading a newspaper. "We mere mortals rarely get these comforts."
"Mere mortals?" quizzed Stan. "You said you became a Knight in 1842. Don't sound too mortal to me."
"You're confusing immortality with longevity," replied Gordon. "Immortality means that a person cannot die. I most certainly can, ergo what I have is longevity."
"I know what it means, Captain Condescension," grumbled Stan. He looked out the window. "So, we're not gonna have a fun time when we reach...wherever it was?"
"That's a grievous understatement," muttered Gordon.
"I just wish we didn't have to get the kids involved," sighed Stan.
There was a long silence.
"You've dealt with fae before, haven't you Pines?" asked Gordon. "Care to elaborate?"
"No."
"Let me rephrase that," snapped Gordon. "Elaborate."
There was a long silence.
"It's not connected with the Royal Order, is it?" he asked.
"Look, I don't like to talk about what happened back then, Winter Knight," snapped Stan, "Things happened – terrible things. Things I'm never gonna forget, no matter how much I want to. So how about you lay off me, alright?"
There was a long pause.
"You're being remarkably defensive, Stanford," noted Gordon.
"Don't call me that," replied Stan.
Sam led Dipper and Wendy onto the platform of Echuca station. There was nobody else in sight – there were no scheduled trains.
"What are we doing here?" asked Wendy. "Trains mean transport, I get that, but I doubt we can just catch a train to Europe."
"We can get back to Faerie from here," replied Sam. "This is somewhere many journeys intersect – great for Ways to multiple places."
"That's great," nodded Dipper, "make with the mumbo-jumbo and let's get going."
"It's not that simple, kid," Sam said. "We could be on the other side of Faerie from a decent Way to the battlefield, or there could be one right around the corner. We're gonna need transport."
"What, we're gonna take a train?" asked Wendy. "Are there even rails in Faerie?"
"Yes to the first, no to the second," said Sam. "We're gonna...improvise."
Soos was pinned to a wall by a giant tentacle.
"Ah, dude," he wheezed, "this is nothing like the video games!"
The creature before him, which currently looked like a giant squid with a small red crystal on the top of its head, roared and threw Soos into the back of the room, where he crashed into a table. Mabel stood next to him, glancing up at the monster in fear.
"That hurt," murmured Soos. "Ah man, what do we do?"
The creature roared and turned into a giant spider. The crystal remained on its head.
"That crystal looks important," mused Mabel. "Maybe we need to take it out?"
"You mean it has a glowing, obvious weak spot?" quizzed Soos. "I've changed my mind, this definitely like the video games."
The creature reared on its hind legs and roared in a very un-spider-like fashion. Mabel noticed a small vent above its head. Glancing to the left, she noticed another vent, this one leading upwards.
She clicked her fingers and turned to Soos.
"Soos! Hold it off!" she called. "I've got an idea!"
"You got it, Mabel!" nodded Soos.
He grabbed a candlestick and narrowed his eyes.
"Alright, spider-bro," he growled, "let's do this!"
He charged, candlestick held over this shoulders, and leapt onto the spider's abdomen.
Mabel raced over to the lower vent. It was too small for her to fit into – at the moment.
"Teganau!"
Now in her doll form, Mabel slipped into the vent, racing upwards towards the roof.
Outside the vent, she heard a thunderous roar and a cry from Soos.
"I've been playing fighting games for twenty years, dude, you got nothing on me!"
That's our Soos, she thought, beaming.
She reached the top of the vent and raced over to the roof opening. Below her, she could see the monster – now in the form of a gryphon – trying to trap Soos in one of the room's corners.
"Soos!" she called, "bring it over here!"
Soos nodded. His time had come.
Screaming, he lunged at the gryphon. The creature roared, extending its wings threateningly – Soos skidded under one of the wings and did a completely unnecessary combat roll before getting to his feet. The shapeshifter roared again as it turned around (literally by shifting its back end into its front end) and began to charge the handyman.
"MABEL TACKLE!"
Mabel leapt from the roof, arms outstretched. She landed on the monster's head and reached for the crystal. The monster roared and reared up.
"Dude, wait!" called Soos.
Mabel looked over to Soos, hesitating.
"You need a one-liner!" exclaimed Soos.
Mabel nodded. "Lights out, Shapey!" she declared.
She pulled the crystal from the monster's head. It screeched loudly, rearing up again and throwing Mabel off. Then, like glass, it shattered into fragments and disappeared.
Soos grinned and walked over to Mabel.
"Great planning," he complimented, "One-liner needs a bit of work..."
"Very, very nice," the voice of Mother Summer complimented.
"Passable," muttered Mother Winter.
Mabel smiled and bowed.
"Even if you had failed, it doesn't matter," said Mother Winter. "We're out of time. You need to start moving. Otherwise I'd make you keep trying for another fifty or so years, get it down properly."
"So we've done it?" asked Mabel. "We can leave now?"
"It's time for you to leave our company, Mabel," replied Mother Summer. "The Morrigan awaits. We wish you good luck..."
"You are really going to need it," added Mother Winter.
The world around them began to melt away like wet paint. Mabel looked down at her hands – what looked like paint was running off them, revealing her normal skin underneath. Then there was a flash, and everything went white.
The driver slid his train into the station, easing it to a gracefully lurching stop. He hadn't seen anyone on the platform when he arrived, so he opened the doors to let passengers get off and opened the cabin to go have a quick smoke.
He came face-to-face with a tall man in a fireman's jacket, who waved at him and said, "cysgith."
The driver fell asleep. Sam took a moment to give him a few pleasant dreams to make up for the career he was about to ruin, then wedged the cabin door open and heaved the driver over to the platform where Wendy and Dipper were waiting.
"Wendy, help me with this guy, would ya?" he asked. "He weighs a ton."
After manhandling the driver onto a platform seat (under one of Sam's invisibility 'Veils') the three snuck into the cabin and sealed the doors.
"Anyone else in this carriage, Dip?" asked Wendy.
"All clear."
Sam nodded and walked over to a closet at the back of the cab. He opened it and pulled a hydraulic switch. There was a hissing noise as the first carriage was decoupled from the others.
"Really hope this train was terminating here, or some people are going to be very upset," mused Dipper.
"They'll live," shrugged Sam, "Alright, let's get this show on the road." He opened the throttle and blasted the horn. The train began to roll out of the platform.
"Wow, subtle," said Wendy, crossing her arms.
"Come on, Wendy, it's a train horn!" exclaimed Sam, gleefully, "When am I gonna get a chance to do this again?" He punched the air.
"Uh, Number 271, this is control, what exactly is going on there?" a voice blared from the radio.
"We stealing a train!" exclaimed Sam, blaring the horn again and giggling.
"271, halt the train immediately or you will be arrested, understood?"
"I can't hear you over the sound of me stealing a train!" shouted Sam, followed by a burst of manic laughter.
Dipper and Wendy glanced at each other, somewhat concerned.
"271, we are now sending police after your train, we advise you do not resist."
"You'll never take me alive!" bellowed Sam. "Agorfa!"
Outside, a local farmer watched as the train passing by his paddock dived into the solid ground, vanishing from sight. He glanced at his can of beer. "Right," he said, throwing it away, "no more for me."
UJ'K CRR ZOGPVURR XLOQ VYLY.
AN: Grand theft locomotive, because when else are we going to get to do this?
