"Y-You mean….like right now?" John nodded.

"I love you, you love me as well, I feel like if you are ready we could try and just go slow"

Sherlock looked away from John biting his lips. He knew he wanted John in that way as well and was even surprised that they hadn't done it yet. However Sherlock felt that having sex with John at the moment would be a bad idea. He hadn't gotten his memory back yet. If they would have sex and John would after that get his memory back Sherlock was sure that John would be disgusted and go back to his old self, the 'straight' guy. He couldn't afford loosing John again and especially not in that way.

"Sherlock?" John asked gently.

"John….I'm sorry. I really want to but I can't"

"I don't want to sound like a pervert or a sex addict for asking, but why can't you do it with me if you want to? If you're shy then we'll go slow, I have already seen your cock many times and the rest of your body"

"Look, I can't explain it but I just can't" Sherlock rose from the sofa and started walking to the kitchen.

"Sherlock, tell me. What is it that you are not telling me?"

"John, just drop it" Sherlock's voice was getting angrier, John could hear it in his tone and wondered what was wrong but decided to take it further knowing something lay behind it.

"No I won't! Not until you tell me why. I'm not stupid Sherlock I can tell when there's something troubling you. What is it that you are not telling me?"

"I'm afraid alright" Sherlock snapped. He was getting impatient and turned back into the cold Sherlock with no emotions.

"Of what? The pain? I will go slow and prepare you so I won't hurt you"

"No, not that. I am afraid of you getting your memories back" Sherlock realised he had said too much and looked away from John.

"Why would you even be afraid of that?" John knew he had to ask even though he knew the answer. "Sherlock, tell me"

"Because I was the one who made you loose them in the first place ok! It was my fault you got amnesia over 2 years ago and even though I love you as much as I do I am afraid that once your memories come back you will hate me for it and leave me here to rot because you think I am disgusting!"

John had tears in his eyes. 'Was this how he felt about the old me? That I would think he's disgusting for being gay? That I would leave him? I know I always denied my sexuality before but I am not the same man anymore and he needs to know it'

"Sherlock…." John's voice was gentle. He went to where Sherlock stood and put his arms around his waist, listening to his heart beat for a few moments before looking straight into his eyes. "Come and sit down with me" He took Sherlock's hand and made them sit down again. Sherlock tried as much as possible to avoid eye contact with John and looked hurt. "Sherlock" He avoided his gaze.

"What?"

"Look at me"

"No"

"Sherlock, please. Look at me, I beg you" John knew Sherlock couldn't resist him like that and after a few seconds he made eye contact with him. John felt his heart broke when he saw the tears in his eyes. "Sherlock, I need to tell you something. I want you to listen to everything I have to say without you interrupting me ok? Can you promise me that?" Sherlock nodded weakly. "No interrupting alright?"

"Yes…"

"Good" He took a deep breathe. "Sherlock, you remember that time when I met you at Bart's a while ago? I didn't feel well and then I had to go to Brighton to help a friend of mine" Sherlock nodded. "That day…..I got my memories back" Sherlock's eyes widened and his mouth opened in shock. "I remember everything now. The thing was when I went to Bart's I accidentally stumbled upon the place where I saw your…" He cleared his voice. "….'accident' those 2 years ago. I started feeling sick to my stomach but I didn't know why. So after speaking to you I went back to our flat and looking around I started remembering everything. How you jumped and everything before that" Sherlock started opening his mouth to say something but John put a finger to his lips. "I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had two different people inside of me arguing who would become me. I realised I needed some time away to try to remember as much as possible and since I knew what kind of genius you are I decided during that time it would be best to stay away from you since you would deduce what was wrong with me. I went around a few places for a week trying to regain my memories. I went to Baskerville, other places where we had cases before and I just felt everything coming together like a puzzle. I was thrilled but at the same time I worried. Who would I become, I had one person who wanted to hide his feelings for a certain…..black hair guy while the other one was almost an inch from sex. After thinking about you and how you were behaving I decided to stay like the new me and hoping I had read your signals right. And looking at us now I know I did and that was why I didn't tell you about it until now"

"You should have told me…" Sherlock whispered and a tear fell down. John kissed it away.

"Darling, I swear I wanted to tell you but I was uncertain how you would react as well. I was afraid that everything would go back to what it was before. However after remembering everything I was also angry at you for tricking me like you did. I thought you were dead, that I had lost my best friend, my crush. I was furious so before coming home to you I needed answer and since I couldn't ask you I went to a source and gave him a huge threat if he didn't tell me what I needed to know. He told me everything you had done during those 2 years….and for whom's sake" Sherlock blushed a bit and looked away. "After hearing everything it was like all my anger had been sucked out, I couldn't feel anything else but happiness. You were alive, you had endured torture and much more painful things just to keep me safe. From that point I decided I would stay this way and see if we could turn into an item, see if you still had feelings for me"

"Since the first day…" Sherlock whispered. His voice was small but John managed to hear it and smiled.

"Sherlock" He took Sherlock's face in his hands and forced him to look at him. "This is the real me, the way I should always have been, and I am sorry for ignoring your feelings for so long. But now I know what I want and I know that you feel the same about me, I will stay this way until the day I die. I remember all our cases together and I'm sorry for not acting upon my feelings before, I was being a complete idiot"

Sherlock smiled weakly. "We both were…." John laughed gently and pressed a kiss to Sherlock's lips.

"You want to know a secret?" Sherlock nodded. "I have always found you attractive so the times I wasn't in some weird relationship with a woman I used to wank off fantasizing about you, naked on my bed with my cock inside of you, your cheeks red and your black gorgeous hair sticking everywhere" Sherlock groaned at John's words and could feel his trousers getting tighter. "It has been on my mind ever since I met you in town, our second meeting for the first time. That is why I asked you if you wanted to. I am completely, madly in love with you Sherlock and I'm not going to hide my feelings anymore. I want you to know my feelings for you and I want the rest of the world to know it as well, to let them know you are mine" Sherlock shifted his body closer to John's and moaned at his words.

"John….I am yours, and yours only. I'm sorry for hurting you but it was the only choice I had, or else you would be in danger"

"Shh, it's ok. I know, I know. But from now on, let's not have any secrets to each other ok? I want us to be able to talk to each other about everything, no secrets"

Sherlock nodded. "No secrets" John smiled. "Can I confess something then?"

"Of course my love"

"I have got a huge erection and if we don't do something about that soon I am going to die" John grinned.

"I know the feeling love. I have got the same trouble. How about we try something new today?"

"S-Sex?" Sherlock's face looked nervous, John smiled.

"Not today, we have been on an emotional roller coaster today so let's wait a bit longer with that. I have got another idea" John grabbed Sherlock's body and dropped him on his own lap making their erections meet through their trousers. Both men groaned loudly and started panting.

"Not bad…" Sherlock said before moaning when John thrusts his hips into Sherlock's. Their erections met over and over, grinding at each other seeking friction. It didn't take long before they came. John put his hands on Sherlock's cheeks, pulling his head towards his, giving him a sweet kiss. "That felt great"

"I know. Now, it's been a long day and in the morning we need to tell Mrs Hudson and your brother about us. And the rest who doesn't know. But first we need to sleep and get our strength back"

"Can you sleep with me?" Sherlock whispered. His voice was hoarse and John knew he was exhausted. Sherlock had emotions which he had always known but today had been extremely tiring for Sherlock with all the feelings they had felt during their conversation. John smiled and nodded.

"Of course love"