*Chapter 8*: Chapter 8
A/N: Big thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed the last chapter. Your support means everything to me. :)
Another thank you goes out to Ella and Annette for being the best pre-reader/beta team out there!
Also, a Happy Belated Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!
I hope you all like this chapter...I'm a little nervous about it, I'll admit.
SM owns everything Twilight.
Chapter eight-
Dear Bella,
Right now, I'm sure know that I have written this letter. If I were in your place, I would want to tear it up and if you did, I wouldn't blame you. However, I am asking you to please read this before you throw it away.
I honestly don't know where to begin with this. Writing this letter is hard-much harder than I ever thought it would be. Never in the time I have known and loved you, did I ever think that I would be writing a letter like this. But alas, here I am.
I suppose I should start at the beginning, so here it goes:
Only a few years ago, we graduated from High School and were ready to go to New York to start the newest chapter of our lives. I was so excited to get out of Forks and I'll be honest- I was a little frightened too. We were heading out into a new world and I didn't know what was going to happen. I kept reassuring myself that everything would be fine, that we would be fine as long we had each other.
Even though I knew that I loved you with my entire heart, I still had my doubts that our relationship would survive outside of Forks. In New York, there would be a ton of guys that were better than me in many ways and I feared that I would lose you to them.
That day marked the second week of my worrying about this topic and as the time grew closer to depart, the more worried I became. When you left for work that morning, I began pacing the house, almost tearing my hair out. I had to talk to someone about what I was thinking and I went to the person I thought I could trust. I knocked on Emmett's door and told him about my fears. For a while he was silent, just sitting there, staring at me.
After a few moments, he told me that my fears were justified. He said that in New York it was possible that both of us would meet other people and we would break up. Basically, he confirmed my fears.
I told him that I didn't want that to happen and that I was going to call off going to New York. I couldn't lose you. Emmett stopped me and said that I couldn't put my life-my dreams- on hold because I was afraid. He told me that if I did, I would resent you in the future and I didn't want that.
I asked him what he would do if he were in my place. He told me that he would ask for a break, just so we could see other people. That way, we would be sure of each other. I knew right away that I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't let you go and told him as much. He just shrugged and said that was what he was doing with Rosalie at the moment, since they were going to College in Seattle.
When I learned this, I was stunned and began to think that maybe it was a good idea. I still had my doubts about it don't get me wrong.
I began to think it over but after an hour, I still didn't know what to do. So, I sat at my piano and hoped that would clear my mind. When I realized that my composition book was at your house, I went over to fetch it. I found it on your desk and underneath it, I saw the letter from New York, saying you didn't get in. I assumed that you'd only just received it but when I picked it up and saw the date I wondered why you hadn't told me. Underneath that paper was your doctor's reminder card.
When I found these, my thoughts swirled around my head. I didn't understand why you hadn't told me about the letter and your doctor's appointment. You always told me everything. When I began to think of reasons why you would hide this from me, I came to only one conclusion. I thought this was the beginning of the end of us.
It was stupid to jump to that conclusion, I know, but you had never hidden anything from me before. What was I supposed to think when I found these things? I was sad that I was already losing you.
I went home and grabbed a bottle of liquor from Dad's liquor cabinet and drank. With every swallow, I became more numb. The sadness I felt went away and it felt good. I was able to forget that I was losing you. Then, I thought about how you hid those things from me and my anger grew. As it grew, I waited for you to come to my house. While I waited, I planned ways I could confront you, and I'll be honest here-I thought of ways to verbally hurt you before you could hurt me.
I wish I could say that I didn't remember anything from that point on, but it would be a lie. I remember everything and I'm ashamed.
I remember pushing and laughing at you. I remember screaming at you. I remember you telling me you were pregnant. I was so scared even though I didn't show it. I wasn't ready to be a father and I was angry at you for putting me in that situation. I lashed out at you and said hateful things that I wish I could take back.
Shortly after you left, I passed out and didn't wake up until the next afternoon. When I woke, I thought I had dreamed the entire thing because, I told myself, that I would never hurt you that way and you would never hide things from me.
When I saw I had no calls from you, a nagging feeling told me that I was wrong, that I hadn't dreamed anything, but arrogantly, I pushed that feeling away, certain that I would never act that with you.
I went downstairs feeling apprehensive. Alice was there and looking at her, I just knew you were gone. Tears littered her face and she looked like she lost her best friend; and she did.
Alice told me that Charlie found your room practically empty when he came home from work, you weren't answering your phone and no one had heard from you. You simply disappeared. When I heard this, I stormed out of the house and went to search for you.
I couldn't believe that you would leave and I had to find you.
I spent the next three days looking for you. I swear, I think I turned over every stone. After almost four days of searching every place I could think of, I went back home. Every moment that passed twisted my heart and it killed me inside. When I made the ridiculous suggestion of calling the FBI for help in finding you, my family sat me down and asked me what happened.
Begrudgingly, I told them everything up to the point where things started to get fuzzy. Believe it or not, I still couldn't believe my 'dream'. I had thoroughly convinced myself that you had just grown tired of me and left.
When it was time to leave for New York, I told my parents I wasn't going and that I was going to stay in the area. After all, New York was our dream. Not just mine.
A week later, I moved out of my parents' house and got a place in Port Angeles. I enrolled in a couple of classes in Seattle and isolated myself. During that time, I drank heavily. It was the only way to cope with the loss of you.
My family didn't know about my drinking binges since I hardly saw them. When I did see them, they assumed I was still upset over your departure.
The first family gathering we had was about three weeks after you left. Esme said she wanted a family dinner, because family was important.
I didn't want to go, but I had no choice. When I was there, I saw Emmett with Rose, acting normal, like they had never taken a break and I cornered him. I asked him why he was back with Rosalie so soon after their break-up. He confessed that he was wrong and he couldn't live without her. He told me that their 'separation' only lasted a couple of hours.
I was beyond furious and punched him. I'll spare you the details of our fight and just say that I told him everything was his fault and I would never be able to forgive him. I know that it's not entirely his fault. I know a large part of it is mine too. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if Emmett hadn't confirmed my fears.
After that, I made it my mission to avoid him- especially after he and Rose got married. I couldn't stand to be around him and all of the other happy couples. They all reminded me of what I lost.
Several months after you left, I was still drinking heavily. I missed you so much and the only way I could get past the pain of losing you was to drink.
My father came over to my apartment one day and found me passed out in my own vomit. He took me to the hospital and when I woke, he told me that I needed to get sober. I told him that he needed to mind his own business and I punched him.
I punched my own father….I still can't believe I did that…. Actually, there are a lot of things I can't believe I did.
I spent a few days in the hospital and then the next three months in rehab and anger management. My father had suspected I had anger issues after I punched Emmett and they were confirmed after I punched him.
I've been sober and attending anger management for ten months now. (I'm ashamed to say that I fell off the wagon a couple of times, but I'm back on track now.)
When I saw you again, after all that time, I was so elated. I thought it was my second chance for us.
When you avoided my questions again, those old feelings came back and I got angry and well….you know what happened. For that, I'm sorry.
That day when I went over to your house to get Alice and I saw…Adam, I was shocked. All of this time, I was convinced that our fight was something I dreamed. I was horrified and disgusted with myself to find out the opposite.
After my family found out what I did, they were disgusted with me- as they should be. I'm disgusted with myself. I can't believe I treated you that way when you were pregnant with my child and in need of my support. Ever since I saw you with him, it's all I can think about. All I can see is the beautiful little miracle we made together and I hate myself for saying those cruel words to you.
I hate myself for missing out on the first short years of his life and for ruining our chances to raise him together. I know I shouldn't be talking about raising him with you, because I know I don't deserve it. If I were you, I wouldn't even want me thinking about him, but I can't help it. I love him already because he's part of you… and there's no part of you that I don't love.
You probably won't let me have contact with him and I don't blame you. But I'm hoping that maybe someday I'll be able to get to know him and the new you. However, I'm not holding my breath, but I'll keep praying for a chance everyday.
.
.
.
If you're still reading, thank you. I know I took the coward's way of telling you all this, but I couldn't find the guts to tell you face to face. I'm sorry…for so many things.
Below is my address and cell number, in case you want to talk or have questions.
Thinking of you always,
Edward
6358 Canyon Rd. Apt. 12b
Port Angeles
Cell: 555-xxxx
I sit back, looking at the letter in my sweaty hand. I should be happy that I received an explanation from him and even more thrilled about his apparent interest in his son. That isn't the case at the moment, however.
Instead of being happy, I feel angry. He was right. He took the coward's way out and I deserved a face to face explanation, not some flimsy letter.
Well, if he thinks this is okay and he's going to get off without talking to me, he has another thing coming.
I push away from the table and march into the living room, the letter still clenched tightly in my fist and startle my father, who is sitting in his chair watching television.
"Can you watch Adam for a few hours?"
"Uh, yeah sure, Bells."
I nod tightly, pick up my keys and stomp towards the front door.
"Do you want my gun?" Charlie mumbles just as I yank the door open.
"What?" I ask, trying to see if I heard him correctly. Silently, I weigh my options on whether or not I can get away with using it.
"Nothing."
I roll my eyes as I walk out, deciding not to take him up on his offer and resisting the urge to slam the door. I can't wake up Adam, since I know it'll take Charlie forever to get him to calm down. I do however, slam my car door and race out of Forks, making the short journey to Port Angeles.
As I enter Port Angeles, I locate Canyon Road fairly quickly. In high school, Edward and I had spent most of our free time here, so I knew where most everything was.
I pull into a new, small apartment complex with dark brown molding and sandy colored walls. I jump out of my car and march into the building. I don't know exactly where his apartment is located, but I will search until I find it.
Luckily, I don't have to search for long. Apartment 12b is on the second floor, the first door on the left. I'm glad that I don't have to hunt for his apartment for the entire afternoon.
I stand in front of the door and raise my fist, banging on the door more than knocking on it.
I wait for him to answer, still shaking with anger. My fist tightens around the letter with each passing second and the more I hear the crinkling of the paper, the more my anger grows.
I hear the locks turn and see the door open to reveal a shocked, bruised Edward. His mouth drops open and his eyes are wide and disbelieving.
"Bella," he breathes.
Just as my name leaves his lips, my right arm winds back and punches him on the nose. His head snaps back and he covers his nose, which has started gushing blood.
"What the hell?" He exclaims nasally, backing into his apartment to put as much space between us as possible.
I shake off the slight pain in my hand and I march inside his apartment and deliver another punch to his stomach.
He bends over, removing his hands from his face and wraps them around his midsection, moaning in pain. The sight of the blood on his face makes my stomach clench, but I swallow thickly, pushing it from my mind.
After a moment, he slowly stands up and gently touches his hand to his nose. He flinches from the contact and looks at me, incredulous.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Wrong with me?" I screech, my hands clenching and unclenching, but not releasing the letter. "What the hell is wrong with you? What is this?"
I throw his letter at him and watch as it hits his chest softly. Edward watches as the paper gently floats to the ground. After a moment, he raises his eyes and looks at me with a questioning glance.
"It's my letter. Did you read it?"
"Of course I read it," I snap, walking toward him. He takes a step back and I smirk evilly, knowing he's afraid of me now.
"Okay," he drawls, watching me carefully. "I thought you would be happy that I told you what happened."
"I would have been happy," I spit scornfully, "if you'd taken the time to talk to me instead of sending me a letter."
He opens his mouth to speak but cringes when the drying blood crackles on his skin uncomfortably. Gently, he touches his face and grimaces.
"Let me clean this up and then we can talk, okay? Shut the door and make yourself at home."
I watch as he scurries out of the room and I roll my eyes. Weren't guys supposed to be tough and able to take anything?
I close the door and look around his apartment. It's small and holds only a television and one lone chair in front of it. It kind of reminds me of the apartment I had in Seattle.
Sparse. Empty. Not lived in.
I want to feel sorry for him, but I can't summon any sympathy right now. Anger is still my primary emotion and it's not going away anytime soon.
Edward walks slowly back into the room, reminding me of someone approaching a dangerous animal. I want to laugh, but my clenched jaw and narrowed eyes won't allow me.
Edward stands in front of me now, cleaned of blood. His nose is a little swollen and I smirk slightly, kind of glad that he's pain.
Good. Maybe he knows a small fraction of what I went through.
He shoves his hands in his pockets and rocks back on his heels. His eyes are trained on his letter lying on the floor. "I'm sorry," he says quietly. "I just thought that maybe if I told you what happened, what I was thinking, that you would understand why I acted the way I did."
"Edward, it wasn't about you telling me. It was about the way you told me. Don't I deserve to be told face to face?"
He nods sullenly. "I screwed up. I'm sorry. I should have told you to your face instead of in a letter."
"Yeah, you should have," I agree. I cross my arms over my chest and we stand in awkward silence.
Edward shuffles his feet, still looking at the ground. I don't know what to do next. Now that I'd had come over and made my displeasure about his note known, I don't know what to do. My anger didn't allow me to plan this far ahead.
It turns out, I don't have to worry about what to do next.
"Do you have any questions? About the letter, I mean."
"No, I got it. You're still the same coward that you were then."
His head snaps up and looks up at me with an unreadable expression.
"I was scared."
"Yes, you were scared. It happens to all of us. Did you think for one minute that maybe you should have come to me? That you should have talked to me instead someone outside of our relationship who didn't know a damn thing about us?"
"I realize that I should have talked to you, yes. But at the time, I wasn't thinking."
"No, you weren't."
"I'm sorry."
"'I'm sorry'?" I repeat, my fury coming back tenfold. "Do you think 'I'm sorry' will fix everything? Do you think it will take back every harsh word you said? Every shove you gave me?"
"No." His eyes lower to the floor once again.
"Then why say it?"
"Because I'm trying to make things right."
"Well, 'I'm sorry' won't do it," I spit. I turn away from him and stare at the white wall behind me. I can hear shuffling behind me and I resist the urge to turn around and see what he's doing. I know that if I turn around, I'll punch him again and I don't want to break my hand.
"Would you like to sit," he asks quietly.
"No. I can't stay long."
"Okay." He's silent for a moment before his soft, repentant voice speaks out again. "I meant what I said in my letter. I want to get to know Adam and make up for what I did. If you don't want that, I'll understand. I'll call my lawyer and get my rights terminated."
His voice sounds so broken as he says it, that I can't help but turn around. His green eyes are clouded with sadness, tears brimming beneath the surface.
"You really want to know him? Be a father to him?" He nods. "Why now? Why not then? Why didn't you believe me?"
"Because I was an ass. I should have stepped up and been there for you and Adam. I just wasn't ready."
The second after he said that, his eyes widen, knowing he made another mistake.
"You weren't ready," I reiterate in a low, hard voice. "Do you think I was ready to be a mother? Do you think I was ready to go through pregnancy and labor by myself? To raise a baby and work at the same time? I was alone. Do you think I was ready to do all of that by myself?"
"I shouldn't have said that. I know it was ten times harder on you than it was for me."
"You should really think before you speak."
"I know. I'll work on it."
I nod in acceptance and we lapse into silence again.
"I meant what I said. I know you don't believe me, but I'm being truthful."
"If I agree to this," I reply slowly, "then you have to assure me that you'll be there if Adam needs you. I won't have you coming in and out of his life." I was hoping I wasn't going to regret this.
"I'm in this for good, Bella. I promise. Does this mean you agree?" He asks eagerly, leaning towards me.
"I want to say no. I want to tell you to terminate your rights, but I can't make that decision right now. I'm too angry. But I will tell you this: If you're serious, I won't deny my son a chance to know his father. He's just a baby and can't make the decision on whether or not he wants to know you right now." I pause, drawing in a deep breath as I try to calm my emotions. "I'm going to think about this, but before I go, I want you to think about it also, because I won't let you hurt him again. Also, if you really are serious, there will be rules you'll have to follow when or if you spend time with him."
Edward looks slightly saddened, but I don't let it deter me. I won't allow Edward to hurt Adam like he'd hurt me. I have to make sure he's sincere about getting to know him.
"First, you have to continue to go to anger management and you have to be sober around Adam."
"Of course," he agrees immediately.
"Second, you will only see him when I'm with him. I don't trust you enough. When or if I see that you truly mean what you say, then I'll consider you spending time with him alone."
He looks crestfallen at my statement, but I don't feel any sympathy for him. I don't know him now, so my rules are justified in my opinion.
"That's fair."
"Thank you."
I look out of his window and see that the sun is beginning to set. I have to get home soon so I can spend some time with Adam and make his dinner.
"I better go," I tell him quietly, going towards the door.
"Wait," he reaches forward and grabs my shoulder, sending familiar electrical sparks throughout my body. I jerk away from him and draw in a deep breath, trying to ignore the familiar spark between us.
"Sorry."
I nod and wait for him to speak. He stares at me blankly and I give him an expectant look, waiting for him to speak. After a moment, he shakes his head, seeming to clear his thoughts.
"If you agree to letting me see him, when can I meet him?" His voice is so soft that I struggle to hear him.
"I don't know. Carlisle and Esme are going to set up a time to spend time with him, so I have to see what they're going to do."
He nods and runs his fingers through his hair roughly. "Alright. Will you call me?"
"Sure," I reply, bending down to pick up his letter. I smooth it out slightly and neatly fold it, putting it in my pocket.
"Thank you."
"Yeah," I answer lamely. I open his door and walk out into the hall, ready to leave. As I'm walking away, I feel a tingle go down my spine. I look behind me to see Edward watching me. When he sees me turn, he gives me a small smile. I give him a tight smile in return and continue to my car.
As I drive back home, I think about what just happened. I never thought that Edward would want a chance with his son. I've dreamed about this moment since he was born. While I'm relieved that my fears have been proven wrong, ultimately I don't know how I feel about this.
I'm afraid that Edward will hurt my son and I want to spare my baby from that pain, but at the same time, I don't want to take away my son's father.
So what do I do? Do I take the risk now or wait until Adam is old enough to understand all of this?
That is the million dollar question and I don't have a clue on how to answer it.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed the chapter!
See you next week!
