Chapter 8. Inspiration.

I have to get inspired by something that touches my soul, or rocks my soul.
Steven Tyler

I drifted half in and out of uneasy sleep, plagued myself now by dreams.

I didn't often dream, and I probably didn't have the ability to dream in fullness but each time I dosed half in and out of my awaken state, I played over scenes in my mind where I rose out the bed and woke her up, taking her in my arms; scenes where I rose out of bed and went to lie beside her; scenes where I rose out of bed and picked her up and returned to the bed for her to sleep beside me; scenes where I woke her up and returned to the bed with her not to sleep; scenes where I woke her up and couldn't even make it back to the bed...

She had put the bed dress on, and I was glad. She would be warmer. Slightly. I only hoped she wouldn't argue with me on this coming day so that I could give her proper sleeping arrangements.

I watched as she lay in the corner, asleep, peaceful now, restful, beautiful...

My dick was growing hard again. I moved my gaze over to my bookshelf. Lots of books. Books on all sorts of things. Books books books. No Bella. I wouldn't look at Bella. It grew harder. Books. Books on law and politics. Books of maps. And the more I tried to put her out of my mind the more I could think of nothing else.

I glanced over at her sleeping form in the corner and snaked my right hand down to my throbbing problem. It had to be dealt with. Aslan damn it, this was her second night here, the previous night she had caused me to explode inside my own trousers, and tonight I was going to have to deal with it, not because I wanted to, but because she made me. I had lost control of my own cock. Aslan damn it.

I closed my eyes and pumped it furiously up and down. It wasn't having any effect. I kept my eyes closed tightly, focussing on the black and working it hard and fast. I always went like this, quick, hard, fast, simple. Or not so simple this time. But no, no I wouldn't give in, I wouldn't think about her. About Be- Be- Bella!

I let out a quick grunting expulsion of air as I came, hard and fast, my cum spurting out of my cock like lightening from the sky. Lightening. Dangerous lightening. Bella was like lightening.

I snapped my eyes open and glanced over, checking that she was still in her corner and still asleep. I was disgusted with myself. It really was not appropriate behaviour, it really wasn't.

I sighed, giving in and swinging my legs out of bed, grabbing yesterday's tunic, which was thrown in a pile at my bedside and making my way over to my desk.

I looked at what I had written last night.

"A strange girl, around my age I should think, haughty, stubborn, wilful, disobedient, and entirely too beautiful for a slave to be. She makes me... When I am around her..."

Why I had ever thought that was an appropriate letter to send was beyond me. No, no matter what I had thought last night today was a new day. Today I would meet Isabella Swan, my future wife, and I would keep focussed on that, on my future. I wouldn't give in to this... this thing that had entered my life like a lightening bolt. She had been the inspiration for last night's letter, this lightening bolt. And that letter had not been appropriate. I had spent my whole life being appropriate. She was not going to change that now, not after all this time.

I grimaced.

I was also going to stop thinking of her as electricity or lightening. I was going to stop thinking of her.

Today was a new day and I would not think of her. Despite what had happened in my bed less than five minutes ago. And after I wrote about her to Tanya, in a more eloquent way than I had managed the previous night. And after I brought her breakfast, I didn't want to have to deal with her dying of starvation.

Other than that I would not think of her.

I pulled a piece of parchment roughly towards me and stabbed my quill in the ink.

Dear Tanya,

Although I saw you only yesterday morning I am writing to you firstly to apologise for my absence as you parted with us for your own home, it was inexcusable.

Secondly, I know that Emmett inferred that I was not there because of Bella, and that when I thought aloud of Bella when I was in your company and you enquired abut her I denied her existence. I apologise, again. Although I was absent this morning and, I will not insult you by lying to you again, it was admittedly to do with Bella, I can assure you it was not because I was doing with her what Emmett implied.

As to the fact that I betrayed your trust by lying to you of Bella please know, dear Tanya, that it was for myself that I lied, it was not to deliberately or maliciously lie to you. I did not wish to think or talk about Bella, but when I found I could not control my thoughts I became determined to control my words. Please forgive me.

Your cousin,

Edward.

There, that would do. Much better. Much more appropriate.

Bella shifted in the corner, turning over half onto her back before letting out a half yelping half mewing sound as the back of her thigh touched the floor and quickly rolling the other way. I padded softly across the room and glanced down at her. She was still definitely asleep. Probably so exhausted she was sleeping through the pain. I would buy something to numb it a bit while in town today.

If I remembered, because I was not going to think about her and therefore I would probably forget. Yes. That was how this would work. It had better.

I opened my wardrobe and selected out a new tunic and trousers for meeting Isabella Swan, gathered my new letter off the desk so that I could pocket it as soon as I was dressed and therefore I wouldn't forget to take it to town with me, and then went into my washroom to clean up and dress.

I squeezed the water over my head, I would need to set up some sort of arrangement for Bella, I hardly wanted her to smell. Nor did I want her to feel uncomfortable because she felt unclean. But my main concern was my own nose's reaction to her. Of course. The main thing would be to make sure that she didn't think I was being nice to her. If she sassed me today she would sleep again without pillows or blankets or a mattress but she would wash, regardless.

And she would eat. After soaping, rinsing, drying and dressing I set off to pick up breakfast for Bella.

"Morning Edward," my mother greeted me as soon as I walked into the breakfast room. I smiled in response but said nothing, instead picking up a plate and glancing over the food on offer.

There was fruit, bread, cheese and eggs. What would she prefer?

Fruit was too tricky, and Lone Island fruit was different to Narnian grown fruit, so I eliminated that and took a good helping of everything else.

"Are you not sitting to eat breakfast with us?" my father enquired his eyes meeting mine with a laugh in them over a letter he was reading with his breakfast.

Breakfast was the only meal we all came to without a set time in place and were not required to have a family conversation, even my mother had accepted that the morning was not a good time to mix us all. I strongly suspected that my father would have preferred all meals to be taken in this manner, it allowed him to read his mail and therefore work over meals, and my father seemed to agree with me that there were too many different opinions in the family for us all to agree round one table. But my mother wanted family dinners and what my mother wanted my father would usually give her. Ninety nine point nine percent of the time anyway.

"This is not for me, it is -"

I had started to say that it was for Bella but my father's eyes went wide and he gave me a slight shake of his head, his eyes flicking towards my mother, though she didn't notice. Obviously slaves would be a touchy subject.

"I have work to do before this morning; I'll eat in my room."

"Today will go better than you think, my son."

"I have every hope it will do well, I would love to take a bride and be done with the whole affair," I grimaced.

"Edward, do not marry lest it be for love, I thought you of all my children understood this," my mother suddenly joined in.

"Mother, I promise you if I do not feel for our future Queen I will not pursue but I hope that I do feel for her, for all our sakes."

"Oh Edward, you do want love don't you?" my mother looked up smiling, her eyes placid.

I have found it, mother, and I doubt I shall find such a love again.

Such a bitter thought. But if I could be... content with Isabella Swan, I would agree to the marriage.

"I do mother," I said stiffly. The fact is, I shall settle for life without it. If it will be simpler.

"I shall meet you on horseback and ready to leave at the front doors in an hour to go to town, your brothers wish a trip before you and I go to meet The High King and Princess. I believe they have things to buy," my father interjected.

I turned my gaze on him, "That will be fine."

He dipped his head, understanding that I was grateful for the end of the conversation and the opportunity to leave the room.

Sometimes I felt that my father would be the only man to ever understand me. Probably because he was always as controlled as me, but my controlled nature always came over cold and unfeeling and hard, he just always seemed calm.

Bella was still asleep when I entered the room and I was glad for that gave me the opportunity to pick her a dress before she woke up and watched me doing so. I put the breakfast plate down on the desk and then crossed to go through the dresser that contained some of Tanya's clothes. I pulled out an apple white chiffon creation with long chiffon sleeves and laid it on the bed. I was plain but the fabric was beautiful and the inside was lined with silk, which would hopefully brush over the welts I had left on her from the other night rather than irritating them.

Bella still hadn't stirred. I opened the heavy curtains and allowed sunlight to stream in through the large windows. She stirred slightly but did not wake. I glanced at the eggs on the desk, I did not want them to go cold but I didn't want to force her out of the sleep she so needed.

I stood over her, hoping that perhaps my presence would transfer into her subconscious and that she would wake.

Aslan must have been listening for her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at me. For a moment the haughty little lioness was gone and instead was some delicate, wide eyed, confused little lamb. I couldn't decide which side of her I loved more. She blinked up at me and then her eyes clouded with questions.

I thought of what she had asked in her sleep last night.

No, no I would not think of that. I would put all recollection of that out of my mind.

"I brought you breakfast, though you took so long to wake up that it will be cold by now."

We locked eyes for another moment and I realised that she could not relax in my presence, so I turned and left the room, hoping she would realise that the dress on the bed was for her to wear.

I wandered down to the stables and saddled my horse so that it would be ready for me to mount and ride. Perhaps I should check on her to make sure she had eaten and was wearing the dress. Maybe I should just stay away. No, I would go make sure she had eaten. And was aware that I had left her the dress and that I wouldn't treat her badly so long as she wasn't rude or disrespectful to me. Because as much as it might be easier if she ran away, I truly didn't want her to.

Not that I was going to think of her today. At all. After I checked on her.

Alice was wandering up the corridor towards my room just ahead of me as I entered it and she froze when she recognised my footsteps behind her.

"Edward," she span round on the spot and smiled prettily up at me, "I thought you would have-"

I strode past her and landed a light smack on her rear end as I passed, suppressing a smile at the friendship my sister and Bella seemed already to have, "You just thought that I was away and you would go visit my slave without my permission and get her into more trouble than you did yesterday."

She ran up the corridor to catch up with me, "And you're thinking that you like that we have a friendship."

I glanced down at her, schooling my face to be impassive as ever, "And you're thinking about what I told you the other day, that if you didn't stop abusing whatever strange twin connection we have I would whip you, and you're therefore going to stay out here while I go in and talk to Bella and tell her she has my permission to spend the day with you."

"Ohhh Edward!" she squealed and threw her arms around my waist, "I knew it! I knew she'd improve you and make you more agreeable."

I frowned down at the top of my sister's brunette head of hair and patted it awkwardly, "I am hardly more agreeable, but I am on a time limit if you'd care to get off me."

She giggled and did some strange gallopy skip up the corridor, jumping every so often and clapping her hands. I shook my head as I pushed my door open quietly, slipping into the room. Alice may have been my twin but that did not mean I would ever fully understand her.

Bella did not turn to look at me, whether out of defiance or because she hadn't heard me I didn't know. She had not changed out of the bed dress, nor moved from the desk.

"Bella," I said, in a stern, commanding voice, chastising her for not looking round at me. She jumped. She must not have heard me enter. I bit my lip slightly and then softened my voice to a dull indifference again as she turned to look at me, "You may wear the dress I have left on the bed then spend the day with Alice. Jasper, Emmett, my father and I have to go to town. Leave the plate on the desk I will have one of the house slaves remove it."

She did not seem to have any reply to make so I left the room, almost smacking Alice in the face with the door as I opened it.

"You will wait for five minutes before you enter, she needs to change dresses and I do not wish you to make her feel uncomfortable by walking in on her during such an act."

"We're both women!"

"I don't care, Alice, the Narnians are more private than the Lone Islanders. Even the nobility do not even use slaves to dress them, they usually only have one chosen servant to do such a thing. Although she is clearly not of noble birth respect her customs and her privacy, we do not know how she has been brought up."

"Right," she grumbled and pouted.

I laughed, "Did you never hear that High King Peter once threatened Queen Lucy when she pouted that if she didn't stop it the wind would change and her face would stay that way?" It was one of those strange sayings that must have come from the other world; no one in Narnia had ever heard it before.

"Rubbish!" Alice snapped, but stopped pouting.

The time in town with my brothers was kept civil mainly by my father. I could tell that Emmett had much he wished to say to me, but after the escapade at the dinner table he was choosing to be silent around our parents. I thanked Aslan for that, for it meant that he was therefore silent more of the time he was around me.

It was most obvious when he asked why I was so eager to get to the post office and I told him that, thanks to him and what he said to Tanya the previous morning, I owed my cousin an explanation and apology and wished to send her one as soon as was possible. This, happily, was this morning.

Emmett smirked, opened his mouth, looked at my father and closed it again.

I could imagine fine well what Emmett's sarcastic and juvenile response was going to be. It was a relief that I did not have to waste my time hearing it, or coming up with something to reply witheringly to it, as I usually did. In truth though, even if I had heard what he had to say, it would not have mattered. It was important to me to clear the air between my favourite cousin and myself, though I couldn't help but feel that my letter was by far less honest than the previous nights.

As it was, she-who-I-was-NOT-going-to-think-about was dominating my thoughts so much that I was going to find meeting with Queen Isabella Swan and being agreeable to the woman who I may possibly marry but who, through no fault of her own I did acknowledge, was not Bella, never mind having the idea that Tanya was also upset with me hanging over the days tasks.

Today's task. Isabella Swan.

She would be a task.

Less of a task than Bella though, I imagined, even given what I had heard to the future Queen.

I paid 20 cresents for the fastest possible delivery, by centaur, for the letter and was assured it would reach her by the following morning at the latest.

It took a great weight off my mind to know that I had dealt with the situation as much as I could and that now all that was in my power to do was wait for her to reply. If she did reply. If she ever wished to speak to me again. I could only hope that she did. I needed Tanya in my life.

As it turned out Emmett was in town for a new corset for Rose and Jasper had merely come so that Alice could spend time with Bella and he wasn't left lonely.

As neither my father nor I had any wish to accompany Emmett into a lingerie shop for his wife we decided to split into two groups, and Jasper and Emmett went together since they would both be returning together, earlier than us.

Emmett was off in the direction of the shop for ladies under-things as soon as he had saddled his horse, and I chose this moment to speak discreetly to Jasper, since Jasper understood better the idea of keeping mum on certain things.

"Jasper, whilst you are forced to be in there with Emmett, if I give you some money would you please, uh, please purchase some under things for Bella. And then give them to Alice to give to her, I- I do not wish to cause her any embarrassment in thinking that I bought them or that you indeed picked them. I would ask Alice to actually come in, take the money and buy them but I don't wish to wait until she is willing to give up her time to do it, and I certainly don't wish her to bring Bella into town and have her know that I wish things bought for her."

Jasper regarded me, "I will do as you wish, since this seems to have been yoru choice of word in association with Bella," and here he raised an eyebrow at me, which I ignored, "On each of those counts, but why should Bella not know?"

"I, I am not comfortable with her knowing."

"You, in general are not comfortable with anyone knowing that your heart is not made of glass and your face of an unchangeable steel. However I accept that this is the way you are and I shall not ask you to change that."

I regarded him, "I am grateful for that, Jasper."

I nodded stiffly, and he smiled easily. Although, like me, Jasper was controlled, as with my father he seemed mainly to just give off an aura of contentment and calm. I did not know why my control left me seeming to unfeeling and harsh. But I was viewed that way now and I would not change. To give in now, after years of people asking me to be less of a foreboding presence would seem ridiculous. And weak. And I, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, was not weak.

I reached into my saddle bag and pulled out a bag of coins.

"Err… how much do ladies under-things cost?"

"Depends on what you want."

"I do not want her to suspect that they were bought for her because she means anything, just something basic to make her feel that her dignity is intact. No special corsets or whatever nonsense Emmett indulges Rosalie with."

"All women wear corsets Edward, I have no doubt that Emmett is indeed indulging Rosalie with some special form of corset that goes beyond the norm, but all women do wear them."

"Well, one of those then, but plain, not ridiculous looking." Bella doesn't need anything to enhance her, she would best suit plain, simple things that did not take the attention away from her face.

"And… ahhh… whatever else is required by women," I hastily added when I saw Jasper open his mouth again. I did not want to get into a discussion on what under-things women wore, "Will 400 cresents be enough?"

"You do realise, Edward, that Bella herself was bought for 150."

150? 150! Bella was worth more than that – her face, her eyes, her figure, surely…

"Right well, take 400 and then just bring back whatever's left. I really don't want the details," I said, thrusting the bag into his hand.

Jasper smiled and nodded, turning to follow Emmett.

"Jasper!" I called him back hastily.

"Edward?"

"When you and Emmett return, which will obviously be earlier than Father and I, please do not let Bella know of the reasons I am in town today, do not mention Isabella Swan."

"Of course."

Something crossed in Jasper's face which he quickly hid, but I raised an eyebrow at him, letting him see that I'd seen it, but not forcing him into answering.

"It was nothing," he said quickly, "I was just merely wondering if she was named for the queen, Bella, Isabella, being Narnian. It's probably a very common name though."

"I suppose she could be. It will indeed be a common name, especially after the Princess was born, people often name their children after the monarchy."

"Indeed. I shall go now," Jasper said quickly, this time turning on his heel and striding off, not even giving me a chance to say thank you.

Carlisle cleared his throat from where he was standing beside his horse, being as gracious as ever and pretending that he could not hear any of Jasper and I's conversation.

"Is there anywhere you wish to go? We are not due at the Royal Quarters for another hour yet," he said.

"I need to visit the apothecary, but otherwise I am not bothered. Perhaps a book shop or two. If there no where you wish to go?"

"I believe some jewellery would be a sensible thing for me to purchase for your mother, especially in light of last night."

"You use any excuse you can to buy her jewellery."

"I enjoy spoiling her. She does not like me to go overboard and buy her things without reason too often, she feels for the poor on the island. But anytime I have an excuse, I will use it, and she cannot argue. Despite the fact she is a woman and that seems to be their forte as a general rule," my father replied, laughing as he spoke about my mother with obvious warmth.

The love and devotion my father had for my mother was fascinating to watch for the next half hour which we spent in the jewellery store, eventually leaving with some diamond earrings which were perfect for my mother, expensive, understated, elegant and beautiful.

My father was not like other men, he had not looked round the store, picked something that looked nice and bought it, but instead had sized up many of the pieces but found that they were not Esme. And my father would not buy my mother anything that was less than perfect for her. Where other men would tire and return to their wives with jewellery that would not be worn, Carlisle diligently persisted.

That was the main lesson I had learnt from my father I supposed, was that hard work and perseverance and diligence paid off. For my father it had, in the long run, got him my mother, his perfect other half with whom he made a whole. If my reward was to be a love and marriage like theirs, then I would try.

But Isabella Swan was no Bella. And a small part of me didn't see the point in trying anymore.

I tried, as well I might, to ignore that part of me.

"Father-did you ever have any doubts that mother was the one for you?"

"Never, I just had to convince her of the same thing."

"How did you do that?"

"I showed her with actions rather than words that I would always be there for her."

"How did you know she was the one?"

"I just did. I looked into her eyes and saw someone who made me want to be better, that is when you have found someone to stay with, someone who inspires you to get up every day and try to be better than the day before."

"Why did she need convincing that you were the one? If you looked at her and just knew, then why did she not just look at you and just know too?"

"She did."

"Then why the convincing?"

"Women need convincing because the good ones are self deprecating and don't think they are as good as they actually are. Esme loved me the moment our hands touched, but she didn't think that she was good enough for me, as she told me later. It was preposterous, I was the one never good enough for her. But she thought if we had anything then it would never be real, she thought she would never be enough for me. I had to convince her that love was real and that she was my love, the source of goodness in my life."

I pondered on Carlisle's words whilst in the apothecary, purchasing Extract of Dryad Kiss, so that I could soothe Bella's wounds that I had inflicted upon her.

Inspiring someone to be better than they already were. Well that seemed to have been a theme amongst the ancients. When Queen Lucy had first met Tumnas he had been in the service of the White Witch, ready to turn Lucy over to her, but he hadn't. Because Lucy had been good and therefore inspired him to be good. And Aslan himself had died on the Stone Table for Edmund, and that had inspired Edmund to be better than he had been before. Inspired him to become one of the best rulers that had ever been in Narnia, to become King Edmund the Just.

"What if I meet Isabella Swan and don't know, don't know right away. Is there any hope for a marriage to be as yours and my mothers is if you don't know straight away?" I asked him after I had paid for the purchase and we were making our way towards the Royal Quarters.

"I cannot say how anyone else finds love, I can only tell you of mine and your mother's experiences."

I supposed that was his way of saying no without trying to ruin my hope. For it seemed that he knew that there was no way I was going to meet the Princess today and feel for her the way he had felt for Esme.

I didn't think he knew anything about Bella or the way I felt for her – I hadn't mentioned it to anyone. But sometimes my father seemed to know things that no one had told him.