CHAPTER 8: Telephone
I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts.
I can't sleep without you. I can barely breathe without you.
Those were the words that Gale had wanted to say to Madge on the phone when he was in 6, but he couldn't.
Saying things like that out loud meant that someone could use them against you. Whoever planted that bomb, whoever was against the election that the Victory Tour was helping to happen. Somehow they would hear him, and they would kill Madge. This was the fear that kept Gale up at night, distracted him during the day; this was the fear that had driven him to the edge of madness.
They would intercept his letters, they would bug his phones, they would learn how much he loved Madge, how much he needed her, and they would kill her. They would kill her and Gale would be left alone with Maysilee.
He wasn't strong like Madge – he could never do what she did: raise Maysilee alone. He was an incomplete person without her. Who was he kidding, he was an incomplete person with her; she just found a way to make it okay.
He knew he would never find his way without her. Without her he was a terrible father and a terrible man. He hated this tour. He knew it was necessary, but was it really necessary for him? He wasn't a puppet like Katniss and Peeta and even Joanna. He was a soldier. He should be fighting. If there was a threat, he should be fighting, not talking.
He knew that his being cold like this hurt Madge. It was better that she be hurt than dead. He had thought about trying to send her a message through Peeta or Haymitch, but the threat of it being overheard was the same. He hoped, in the long hours of the night when he felt the most alone, that she could somehow sense how much he loved her and how afraid he was. He hoped that she could believe in him, the way she promised she would.
He hoped she didn't believe in Serger more. It was idiotic of him to send her to him in 8 when it was just going to drive him even more crazy, but he wanted to know there was someone there for her, there with her in case something happened. That sickly old mentor, and Annie, delicate as she was would have exactly zero chances of protecting Madge if something were to happen. Pollux may be alright, depending on the situation. He had survived the Rebellion, hadn't he?
But Serger, Gale had met him. He had the air of a soldier about him. He was strong, quick on his feet, and, thought it had enraged Gale before, Serger cared about Madge. Gale just wanted her to have someone, anyone to turn to in case of an emergency. He couldn't be sure, but as they got closer to the end of the tour, he felt a sense of impending dread – this mysterious group who'd bombed the train hadn't tried anything else. They were waiting… for something. Gale just hoped it wouldn't happen until he was back in the same place as his wife.
His thoughts were interrupted by Peeta – who seemed to sense exactly when Gale was about to get completely stuck in his head, perhaps from years of dealing Katniss in the same fashion.
"Gale," Peeta's voice, careful, from the doorway. "We're pulling into 12, now."
It was early, somewhere around 4 o'clock in the morning. Gale was in his compartment on the train, in his bed. He was here because Maysilee needed to sleep and they shared a compartment, not because he, himself, was able to sleep. He hadn't been able to sleep more than an hour or two for days, since their group split… since Madge left his side. He was so afraid that the call would come in the night, that she was dead, and that would be it.
He wasn't sure how being awake would help. It was as if he was convinced that if he was awake, that at least it wouldn't come as a surprise. That if she left his world, even though she was miles away, he would feel it. Or maybe if she was injured, he could will her to hang on until he could get to her. He didn't want to be asleep if that call came.
He hated the people running the tour, Plutarch, Cressida, all of them. How dare they split up his family? It was bad enough he had to be on this tour when his talents could be so better applied elsewhere, but now he couldn't even protect his loved ones if something happened. He had Maysilee, at least. He couldn't imagine what he would have done had they split him from his daughter; He'd have killed them, maybe.
Soleila, the idiot girl who was responsible for dressing them insisted that it was best to split the couples, then, in case one family or another was targeted; they couldn't go after all of them at once. She didn't know that. No one did, besides maybe Plutarch. They were being kept in the dark about who attacked, and why, and the size of their forces. Perhaps they could launch multiple attacks at the same time, and then what? Then it wouldn't matter, he supposed. Then maybe he would be dead, and Madge, and Maysilee.
"Daddy?" Maysilee's tiny voice reached him from under a pile of blankets. They had separate beds in the compartment, but after his first few nightmares, Maysilee had insisted to stay in his bed with him, to protect him, the way that he and Madge did when she had nightmares. Her innocent proposal to protect him had actually brought him to tears. This morning, just the sound of her tiny voice did the same.
He reached out for her in the darkness and gathered her to him, quilts and all. She was, quite possibly, the only thing keeping him hanging onto his sanity, to reality. "What's going on, Daddy?"
"We're in 12, Maysilee," Gale whispered into his daughter's hair, fighting to keep the sound of tears from his voice.
"Oh, 12, where you and Momma got married?" Maysilee sounded excited.
"Yeah, sweetheart." Gale's voice was rough, but Maysilee didn't seem to notice.
"Are we meeting back up with Momma?" Maysilee asked, trying not to sound too anxious. She had asked this question every District they had been to so far, both 6, and 9.
"Nope. Not yet." Gale breathed. He hated letting her down this way.
"Then when?"
"We're halfway there," Gale smiled, realizing for the first time, that they were, in fact. They had only 2 more weeks, 2 more Districts before they would reunite in the Capitol. The thought actually brought him some genuine happiness, and he smiled. His cheeks felt stiff. He hadn't smiled in 2 weeks, after all.
"Halfway, but-," This news had the opposite effect on Maysilee. He could hear the tantrum in her voice as she wailed, "But it's already been forever."
Gale sat up, keeping Maysilee swaddled close to him, stroking her hair and soothing her, "I know Maysilee. I miss her too, but- "
"Why don't we talk to Mom on the phone?"
Gale was surprised. Maysilee had been so good the past 2 weeks. She had accepted his answer and let it go each and every time he'd said that it would be later. His poor daughter must be reaching her limits, as he was. This Tour was going to be a great deal of stress with both her parents present, and now she only had the broken one.
Maysilee continued berating him, "Peeta talks to Katniss on the phone and he tells her he misses her!"
"I know but, they're different from us-" Gale tried, weakly.
"Momma's not gonna come back if she doesn't know that we miss her."
Gale had no words. She had spoken one of his deepest, and admittedly, most childish, fears. The logical part of him knew that if Madge hadn't left him yet for his emotional limitations, she probably never would, but today, the logical part of him was so quiet. It was silent, in fact.
"We can call Mom," Gale's voice quivered.
"Really?" Maysilee's tears dried instantly, and Gale realized he had just been manipulated by Maysilee and her crocodile tears. He was too exhausted to be angry. He wished Maysilee would be direct with him like she was with Madge, but since he was bad at communicating, Maysilee had learned to communicate with him his way – badly.
Maysilee sprung from his arms to go join Peeta, wherever he was on the train. He would be awake, not just because they were pulling into a new District, but rather, because he couldn't sleep any better than Gale could. Maysilee liked him, though, for the same reason Gale did, because he was like Madge – kind, and talkative. Peeta didn't show his exhaustion the same way Gale did.
Gale could feel the train stopping, and his stomach tightened. He hadn't felt so alone in a very long time, as he sat in the dark compartment, clutching the quilts which lent him only his daughter's lingering warmth for company.
So they would call Madge.
Gale already knew he wouldn't say what he wanted to. Maybe the gesture would be enough to keep Madge hanging on.
When he had splashed water on his face, and dressed in his own clothes – they were in their home District, so no costumes necessary – he entered the dining car where Maysilee was chatting animatedly with Peeta. Maysilee's very presence seemed to sustain Peeta in a way that told Gale that he would be an excellent father someday. He was understanding, patient, and loving: pretty much all of the qualities it took to deal with a spouse from the Seam.
Peeta noticed him entering and offered him a smile.
"Good morning, Gale."
"Good morning."
He and Peeta had, surprisingly, been great allies to each other, even after Katniss's outburst, even after Gale's attack on her, and even though there could very well be a lingering hatred between them, there just wasn't.
Peeta had already prepared his coffee for him, the way Madge always did, and it was sitting in front of a plate of food that Peeta had dished up for him. Gale mouthed, thank you, and Peeta nodded. Then Gale sat and they both turned their attention to Maysilee, who was regaling them with her account of her previous night's dream.
"And then Finn, he had a bill like a duck and when he tried to talk he could just quack!" She finished with a flourish, as if this was the most amazing dream that anyone had ever had.
"Wow, Maysilee," Peeta encouraged, "That's quite the imagination you have. When the tour's over, you should come paint with me sometime; put some of your dreams on paper."
"Daddy, could I?"Maysilee gasped, her eyes wide with joy.
"Of course," Gale smiled at her, but it was unlike the smile that had hurt his cheeks in the dark – it was false. Empty. "After Peeta was so nice to Daddy on this tour, I probably owe him one."
His eyes met Peeta's again. The man's blue eyes were benevolent. He wasn't sure whether Peeta was trying to take care of him for Katniss, for Madge, or possible because he wanted to, but Gale wanted him to know that it was appreciated.
"Can we call Mommy now?" Maysilee continued without skipping a beat, as if she hadn't just changed the subject completely from her amazing dreams.
"It's pretty early…" Peeta started for him, knowing of his deep paranoia regarding speaking with Madge on the phone.
"It's alright." Gale cut him off as politely as he could. "I said we could call Madge today." He explained to Peeta's careful expression.
"Okay, well, it is early-" Peeta seemed hesitant, trying to gauge whether or not Gale wanted to be stopped.
"If we wait there might not be time," Gale said, resigned. "Since we are in 12, we will probably have people who want to see us outside of the regular tour activities."
"That's a good point," the tone in Peeta's voice changed. He was all in support of the idea now.
Gale reached for the phone and dialed the number Haymitch had given him for their living arrangements in District 8. He handed the phone to Maysilee.
"You talk to her first," he smiled another empty smile for his daughter. "She'll be more excited to hear from you." This, of course, was not true. She had spoken with Maysilee more recently than with him, but he needed to collect himself a little more before he heard her voice. He knew how badly it would make him hurt.
Maysilee waited, the phone in both her tiny hands as it rang – Gale could just barely hear the sound coming from the speaker by his daughter's ear. There was a click.
"Momma!" Maysilee shouted before whoever on the other end of the phone could speak.
"Maysilee, is that you?" The voice that answered was not his wife's, was not even that of a woman. It was a man's voice, but seemed to smooth to belong to Haymitch. "My," the voice went on, "You sound so grown up. How old are you?"
"I'm 4. Who is this? Where is Mommy?" To her credit, Maysilee sounded suspicious. She was his daughter, after all.
"I'm a friend of your mom's. I knew you when you were a baby."
"Okay," Maysilee, for her part, was unimpressed. "Can I please talk to my mommy now?"
"You are his daughter aren't you?" Gale heard the voice comment before there was a silence. Maysilee looked to him, uncomfortable. He nodded to her, trying to indicate that it was alright. He knew who the voice belonged to. What exactly Serger was doing in their living compartment at 5:00 in the morning was what he wanted to know.
"Maysilee?" It was Madge, her voice flooded with a mix of emotion that Gale could dissect as surprise, relief, and sadness. "What is it baby, are you okay, is something wrong?" Now there was anxiety and fear mixed in as well. Maybe Madge would understand where Gale was coming from after all.
"No Mommy, I'm fine." Maysilee smiled the biggest smile Gale had seen in a while.
"Is Daddy taking good care of you?"
"Yeah Mommy. He's doing his best," Gale couldn't help but roll his eyes. Sometimes Maysilee sounded too much like an adult.
"Does he know you're on the phone right now?" It was Madge's turn to sound suspicious.
"Yes. He's right here. I want you to talk to him. He's very sad."
"… Sad?" Madge was taken aback. Gale could hear in her voice that this news was a surprise.
"Yes Mommy." Maysilee answered without missing a beat.
"Well," Madge's voice had a hint of a smile. "Why don't you put him on then?"
"First I wanted to say I miss you Mommy."
"I miss you too, sweetie. So much." Madge was crying. Gale felt farther from her than he imagined possible. When Madge was sad, when she cried, all he ever wanted to do was to hold her close, to protect her.
When Maysilee offered the phone towards him, it took Gale a minute to find the courage to reach for it. When it touched his hand, it seemed to burn. It seemed to carry impossible weight as he lifted it to his ear. He couldn't even speak, he could only breathe.
"Gale?" Madge's voice was tentative, unsure.
At the sound of her voice, so immediate, not distant like it had been when he listened in to Maysilee's conversation, it was like a floodgate had opened. His face flushed, and he took several gasping, shaky breaths, managing to find his voice as he choked, "Hey Madge."
His voice seemed to have the opposite effect on her. He couldn't even hear the intake of her breath on the other line, perhaps she was holding it.
"Look I'm- sorry I've been so… me… about this I'm just-," Gale faltered.
"Scared," Madge supplied.
Gale shook his head for several moments before his voice caught up, "No."
The silence between them resumed. Gale swallowed hard, fighting through the terror that someone would hear this. He had to tell her, or she wouldn't come back to him – that was the greater terror right now.
"Terrified." He breathed.
"What?" Madge's voice was small.
"I'm-," Gale choked on a sob that was caught in his throat. "I'm terrified of losing you!" He spat out. It didn't sound gentle, but it sounded true at least.
To his credit, Peeta intercepted Soleila in the door, and took Maysilee from the room to give Gale some privacy.
"I'm not going anywhere."
"I'm not afraid you'll go. I'm afraid someone will take you, and I won't be there-" Gale choked again, this time unable to stop the tears from reaching his eyes, or the sound of panic from reaching his voice. "I can't lose you, Madge. I can't."
"You won't."
"You don't know that."
"I do."
"How?"
"I just do, Gale."
Gale couldn't speak. Madge's assurance brought him not relief. She basically had to promise him that. What else could she say?
"I know because I love you Gale."
"That doesn't mean anything!" Gale snapped.
"Well, it means something to me."
Gale heard a click. She had hung up.
He had thought maybe being in his home District for a week would bring him some kind of comfort, but instead, he just felt empty.
