Thanks to BelieverofManyThings, Ash-Caro-Lynn, Cae-Leigh Anne and "Guest" for reviewing ( Guest - I changed the chapter issue, thanks for making me notice! I'd love to respond to some of your criticism, so if you'd like and are able to, PM me and we can talk :))

Hope y'all enjoy the new chapter!


February 9, 1980


I was absolutely sick of graveyards.

Mr Potter's death was horrible enough as it was - and despite what I had told Bellatrix, I did feel guilty about it. How come, I wondered, that I us often stood idly by while other people succumbed to deathly threats? - but that was, by far, not the worst part about the funeral.
It undoubtedly was the look of utter devastation on both James' and Sirius' faces.

Sirius had not been saying much about it. In fact, all he had talked about was James, how James needed him, how much James had lost, how horrible it all was. He had not said a single word about his own sadness since we had left the scene of the fight that night.
I was not sure if his act convinced anyone else, but he could not lie to me. The pain in his eyes was so apparent, it was impossible not to notice.

In front of us, James threw a bit of soil onto the casket, directly followed by the flowers Lily had been holding. He was not crying, not anymore. When I had talked to Lily earlier, she had said that she thought he just dried up by now.
"It's been really tough," she had added.

Sirius' arm that was wrapped around me suddenly tightened painfully and I shot him a concerned look. He did not look at me.
"All right, love?" I whispered. "We're up next."

He pressed his eyes closed and gave a sharp shake of his head. I nodded even though he could not see and turned to Peter and Remus next to us, indicating that they should go forward without us.

"Darling," I said softly. "I know you're hurting, but you should go say goodbye."

His eyes opened again and he met my gaze. "I don't know if I can," he answered.

"You'll regret it if you don't," I reasoned gently.

Sirius took a deep, steadying breath and his grip on me finally loosened. It had to be so horrible for him, I figured. The Potters had been the only people who ever qualified for proper parents in his life. I remembered very well when I had first them and Mrs Potter had so nonchalantly referred to him as 'our boy' as if it as the most natural thing in the world to adopt your son's best friend.

"It's just," Sirius said lowly. "James... I feel bad to mourn when he's so... it's his dad."

"You cared for him, too," I said.

"Yes," he said, almost indignantly. "He was like..."

He caught himself before he finished the sentence, his eyes trailing over to James again as he sighed. I rubbed over his arm in another attempt at comfort and watched as he squared his shoulders.
"All right," he muttered as he let go off me. Sirius moved forwards to the grave and I chanced a look to James and Lily. She smiled at me a bit, a small, sad albeit approving smile. She had probably sensed the same thing that I had.
I was still watching when Sirius joined them and hugged James. They had never looked more like actual brothers than in that moment.

The Order met at the safe-house afterwards for the wake. Sirius and James seemed inseparable again and after their fourth drink or so I even heard one of them laugh, even though it was a short and almost desperate sound.
While they were occupied with each other, I took the chance to talk to Remus. I wished we had met under better circumstances, but I was still happy to see him relatively well.

"It's good to see you, mate," I said and he sent me a tight smile.

"It's good to be here," he admitted. "My life's gone to the dogs lately."

I might have laughed at the quip if he had not looked so serious as he said it. "We'll get through this," I assured him. "Always a light at the end of the tunnel, right?"

He grimaced slightly, but nodded. "I know Maia told you," he said suddenly, and his fingers tightened comically around the glass he was holding.

"She's pretty taken with you," I admitted. "I mean, I understand. You're a good catch."

"I'm a horrible catch," he shot back.

"Remus-"

"I'm a werewolf, who is currently entrapped in a whole pack of rogues, I will never have a proper job, I will always be a threat to everyone close to me," he ranted, shaking his head profusely. "I'm sorry, this is so disrespectful, James' father is dead-"

I sighed heavily, looking around to make sure that neither James or Sirius were anywhere near. While I did believe in what I was about to tell Remus, I did not think that they should hear that right now. They needed the time.
"We're still alive," I said. "And life will go on and the problems will go on...you're a good guy, Remus. Any girl should be happy to have you, despite everything."

He pulled a face again, but nodded. I spontaneously decided to hug him, because I pitied him so much in that moment. Remus was probably one of the best people I had ever met and yet he had it so hard. It was not fair.
None of this fair for any of us. What had James done to deserve having his parents ripped away from him so suddenly? What had Sirius and I done to warrant our biological family going after our chose one?
My thoughts wandered to another graveyard and another undeserved death. Reg had found his death for finally doing something right. Maybe it was true after all and no good deed went unpunished.

I stepped back, glancing over to Sirius who was just taking a generous swig from a firewhiskey bottle. "I'm sorry," I said vaguely to Remus. "I need to get out of here."

He looked surprised, but did not even attempt to stop me. Not even half an hour later, I was sitting in front of Reg's grave, uncaring of the cold biting into my skin, uncaring of how dirty my clothes were getting, uncaring of anything, really.
It was probably incredibly rude to abandon an ongoing funeral to visit a grave of someone who should not even have been my friend, but I could not help myself.

Somehow, I wished I could still talk to him. We had been through so much, it was almost natural to share all the horrendous things that happened to us. I wondered if I would think about these things were he still around. Perhaps not. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and whatnot.
I wished I could still tell him, that I cared for him, that I missed him. I wished I could have saved him, pulled him out of that bloody lake before it was too late. I was useless in that department, was I not? I could not save Reg and I had let Mr Potter die in my place...

"I thought now he's dead I'd finally finish competing with my brother."

I flinched as Sirius' voice rang out behind me. Grand, I thought, that was precisely what I hoped would not happen. How had he even found me here? Was I so obvious?

"Relax," he said when he noticed my wary look. "That was my attempt at a terrible joke."
He bent down and wrapped his jacket around my shoulders. "You must be freezing. What are you doing out here?"

"I just... I haven't been out here in a while," I muttered, gesturing to the headstone. "I brought him flowers."

Two very lonely lilies that were left from Mr Potter's funeral. Maybe I should have gone through the effort of buying new ones, I figured. It would have been more respectful to both of them.

"I know you don't want to hear it," I said in a small voice. "But I miss him."

He sat down next to me and pulled me to him. Considering he was missing his jacket and it was freezing out here, he was surprisingly warm. I snuggled closer, relishing in his embrace. "I know," he said. "I miss him, too."

I hoped that from wherever Reg was now, he could hear that. Neither of them would have ever admitted it, but the Black brothers had been so important to each other. It was a true shame they had never gotten to work it out.

"I just," I attempted to explain. "I can't wrap my head around the fact that he's gone. Just like I can't believe James' dad is.. and it both happened before my very eyes. Why do these things happen? It's not right."

Sirius sighed again. He smelled off alcohol, but he seemed rather sober. He obviously knew how to hold his liquor. His eyes were glistening with tears again, though, but he kept them at bay somehow.
"We'll have our revenge," he promised me. "We'll make them pay. And everyone will be able to sleep in their beds at night without worrying that someone will show up and kill them."

He pulled me even closer and I gave in at once, clinging to him as if my life depended on it. I really, really hoped he was right. Because if this was how the world would be forever - a world full of misery and senseless deaths - I did not want to live in it much longer. What was the point?


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