CHAPTER 9
Paul: Is lying on the stone table with blood drops falling down on him
Incognito: Your name?
Paul: Paul
Incognito: Do you want to live.
Paul: Yes of course
Incognito: Do you want to live forever?
Paul: Forever...I don't know...
Incognito: Do you want to be perfect?
Paul: Yes. I want to be perfect.
Incognito: Do you want your pants?
Paul: HELL YES!
Integral: -On a commercial- Hello, how many times has this happened to you?
-Scene switches to Alucard and Celes-
Alucard: Do I REALLY have to say this?
Integrals voice: Yes.
Alucard: -- Roar! I am a big scary vampire. I am going to bite you!
Celes: -- Oh no! Whatever shall I do! Please do not hurt me mister vampire.
-Scene switches back to Integral-
Integral: If this scenario looks familiar to you or if you or someone you
know has been bitten by a vampire please call out toll free number and our
highly trained specialists will arrive at the scene shortly to peacefully
and non-violently deal with the situation. Just take a look at our well
prepared staff.
-Scene switches to Alucard-
Alucard: Is laughing maniacally and loading his guns
-Scene switches back to Integral-
Integral: ;, Please pay no attention to the psychotic man in red. Here's
one of our REAL top specialists
-Scene switches to Celes-
Celes: I used to be just a random police girl until I was attacked by
vampires one night on the job. Hellsing agents took care of the situation
and even found me new work since my unit had been destroyed.
-Switch to Integral-
Integral: See another satisfied customer! So if vampires come calling
just call 1-800-Hellsing. Again that's 1-800-Hellsing.
Celes: Master what are you doing?
Alucard: Playing Lemmings.
Celes: What?
Alucard: Lemmings. You know the game were you make the little people build
their way up really high only to fall off a cliff or into lava or something.
Celes: First of all I know what Lemmings are but your not supposed to MAKE
them die.
Alucard: Your not.
Celes: No!
Alucard: Looks at the line of ghouls he's been magically causing to walk
off a cliff...yeah...well...this is the vampire version of Lemmings
Celes: -- Right.
Incognito: Bites Integral on the ear
Integral: -- Oh wonderfull, I've always wanted pierced ears.
Incognito: Starts to suck her blood up in a long stream
Kain from LOK: Comes up behind Incognito and knocks him upside the head
That's my trick you #$
-Paul and Celes and sitting in Sex ed class-
Teacher: Can anyone tell me the best way a male can prevent a female from
becoming pregnant?
Paul: Raises his hand
Teacher: Yes Paul.
Paul: Drain her of blood to the point of death during intercourse.
Teacher: -- No. Celes can you please tell the class the correct way to deal
with a person who has Paul's approach on things?
Celes: Feed him Halconen shells.
Teacher: Correct. Please demonstrate.
Celes: Okay! Gets up and shoves a Holconen shell into Paul's mouth
Paul: MMMHPH Blows up...again
Teacher: Very good Celes.
Alucard: Is looking over a blueprint labeled "Integral Trap"
Celes: Comes up behind him What on earth are you doing master?
Alucard: I'm setting a trap for Integral. Once I catch her she'll HAVE to
let me bite her.
Celes: Uh huh...you do realize that this plan will never work right?
Alucard: Oh I think it will.
Celes: Fine suit yourself. I'm going to be in the bomb shelter to be safe
when your plan goes horribly wrong. See you later.
Alucard: Uh huh yeah right bye.
-Later-
Integral: Steps out of the Hellsing Manor and goes for a walk
Alucard: Is sitting on a huge acme rocket and lighting the fuse
Integral: Looks around at him Alucard what are you...
-The rocket ignites and Alucard flies towards her on it-
Alucard: Ha I've got you now!
Integral: Makes the road runner bleep bleep sound and runs off in a trail
of smoke
Alucard: Flies after her
Integral: Sidesteps and the rocket flies right past her
Alucard: Flies into the Hellsing silver and holy water storage building
-In the hellsing bomb shelter-
Celes: Is playing checkers with Walter when the whole building rocks with a
vampire on silver explosion
-Back on the surface-
Alucard: Charred and smoking he climbs out of the wreckage of the storage
shed
Integral: Runs up and stand in front of him Bleep bleep
Alucard: Reaches his arm out for her
Integral: Bleep Bleep Runs off again
-A crack appear right in front of Alucard, a moment later he and the section
of cliff the storage shed had been built on plunge down a canyon
Alucard: Get's smaller and smaller with a whistling sound as he falls until
he lands on the canyon floor with a thud
Integral: Goes over to the cliff edge and looks down Comfy?
Alucard: I hate you!
Integral: Oh here let me help you with that. Goes off
Alucard: -- This won't end well.
Integral: Comes back carrying a silver Acme anvil and drops it over the
cliff
Alucard: -- Yeah look like I was right.
-In the bomb chelter-
Walter: Takes a piece out of a Jenga tower just as the room shakes again
Oh dear I was winning to.
Celes: Comes into Integrals office Excuse me Sir Integral but I was
wondering. If you handle vampires all night and take care of politics and
social matters during the day when do you actually sleep?
Integral: Err Hides her 742nd cup of coffee behind her back Oh I manage
somehow
Celes: Uh huh...
-Later-
Integral: Is actually catching a small catnap
Alucard: Appears behind her And now that she's FINALLY gone to sleep I'll
help myself to a little snack. Bites Integral and takes only a little of
her blood Hmm coffee flavor blood (Yes I know that technically he's never
tasted coffee but work with me here people)
-In Celes's room-
Celes: Is sleeping
Alucard: Appears and grabs Celes out of her bed and starts talking a mile a
minute
!
Celes: Master what the hell is wrong with you.
Alucard:
Idon'tknow.Ifeelkineoffunnyandbuzzy.Ithinkmycellsarestartingtovibrateapart.
Celes: Err I know your clinically dead and all but I think you need medical
attention.
Alucard:
NonsenseIfeelgreat!Ihaven'tbeenthiswayinages.WowIthinkmyheartactaullyjustbeat!
-Later-
Integral: Is poking an unconscious Alucard What happened?
Celes: He just showed up acting really weird and then he just grabbed his
chest and collapsed in cardiac arrest.
Integral: But he's already dead!
Celes: Yeah well you know what they say about your coffee being able to wake
the dead and all.
Integral: It's not THAT strong!
Celes: -- What's your water to coffee ratio?
Integral: One part water/ Thirty thousand, nine hundred, and eighty-six
parts coffee of course.
Celes: So Basically you dump a ton of coffee in the machine and run one cup
thru?
Integral: Yeah what's wrong with that?
Celes: You need to be careful who get's at it. I mean just look at master!
He's gotten shot to goo on the floor of the tower of London with silver
bullets and still come back to life. Now your coffee's finished him off poor
guy.
Integral: -- I'm sure he'll wake up...eventually...I hope...
