I know it's annoying but Edward doesnt really get the whole 'Bella feels the same way'
*shrug* thats just how its going to go...For now anyway. :)
And as for WHY Edward is depressed...he will explain why he thinks it is...later...kay?
I woke up before Bella, and I got a chance to watch her a little more while she slept. She looked utterly peaceful. I almost couldn't bear waking her up, but as nine o'clock approached, I knew I should just get it over with. She hummed a little when my hand touched her skin, and tried to snuggle closer to me.
"Bella, time to get up." I chuckled; she opened her eyes and sat up quickly.
"What am I doing in...?" she began but shook her head and smiled, "forget it." I laughed and she swatted me across my chest. I leant back against the headboard and she stretched her jumper clad arms above her head. She rolled out of the bed and tried to pull down the tangle on top of her head. She groaned and glared at me,
"What?" I asked. I was still on a sort of high from last night. I had this new feeling coursing through me and I felt completely at ease with Bella, like she truly was mine and I was hers. Even though I knew she could never be. Even that thought didn't make me angry, I was too...happy.
"Your bed is way too comfy." She explained, yawning and starting towards the door, I was laughing when she turned to glare at me again and shut the door behind her.
She was so adorable. And I could think it without feeling guilty, because I loved her. I was allowed to think she was adorable, and she was. I stretched and shook my hand through my hair. I smiled to myself at my new feelings, and practically jumped out of the bed.
I walked down the stairs and sat across from Bella, as usual. Esme smiled at me, and Emmett chuckled, I guess they weren't quite used to me being downstairs, I wasn't even used to it yet, but I had other things on my mind, other things I was adjusting to. Like the fact that I was sitting opposite the girl I loved, and I would have to, every morning. That thought alone put a huge smile on my face as I bit into my toast.
"What's with you this morning?" Alice asked me, I looked up and swallowed the bite I had in my mouth,
"I just slept well," I answered, I chuckled and I saw Bella blush and look down. I loved that blush, it was just so...Bella. I looked over at her and she lifted her eyes, she looked sort of defiant. I stifled a chuckle, "did you sleep well Bella?" I asked across the table, taking another bite of toast and looking back at her innocently. Her mouth was open a little and her eyes wide. She snapped it shut before anyone could see and she smiled at me,
"Yes actually I did, I had a lovely dream." She smiled and bit into her toast too. I stifled a chuckle,
"Well I didn't, I was tossing and turning all night." Alice huffed; Bella turned to her, reluctantly breaking eye contact with me and asked her what was wrong.
I pretty much spent the whole breakfast thinking about what Bella could have dreamed of, I didnt really remember my dreams, there was so little to remember, it wasn't really like I was sleeping at all, like I was in more of a trance. The thought of her being able to recall a dream was fascinating, I wanted to know what she remembered, I wanted to know what was going on her head. She flicked her hair behind her shoulder and I wanted to run my hands through it, I wanted to push it back for her, and trace my fingertips down her skin.
I shook my head; I couldn't touch her, not yet at least. But I hoped that soon I could, maybe she would let me. Maybe she would let me show her affection. Alice stood up from the table and Bella followed, I stacked the paltes like I had done every morning and I noticed that Emmett was still sitting down, his arms folded behind his head.
"I'm not as oblivious as you think." He said quietly, I looked over at him and lifted his plate from in front of him.
"Hmm?" I asked, not quite sure what he was on about,
"I mean Alice is usually the one to spot this kind of thing but..."
"what are you going on about Emmett?" I asked, my tone a tad curt, he smiled and leaned forward, resting his arms on the table,
"You...like...Bella." he said slowly, I felt my heartbeat increase, "and she likes you." He finished, I felt my tongue dart out to lick my lip and I shook my head nervously.
"You're wrong," I said calmly smiling at him; I picked up the plates and walked over to the sink. How the hell did Emmett guess that? If he only knew how much more than 'liking' it was.
"Am I?" he said confidently, of course he was, Bella doesn't like me like that. I was her friend.
"Bella doesn't like me like that." I said grimly, I knew that would have tipped him off about the first part of his statement but honestly I didn't care. I just thought about how much I wanted her to.
"But you like her?" he asked, I heard him get up and walk over to me, I wrung me hands on the cloth and looked at him, leaning on the counter.
"And if I did? It wouldn't make a difference." He chuckled and copied my position.
"You really can't see it?" he asked smiling at me,
"See what Em?" his cryptic little remarks were starting to get to me.
"They way she looks at you, the little things you say to each other, it's pretty obvious." He said matter-of-factly, I shook my head, "where did Bella sleep last night?" he asked knowingly. Hell no, I wasn't answering that question.
"I'm going for my run Emmett," I said, dodging the question and walking past him, he chuckled but saluted me childishly on my way out. I yanked my jacket on and opened the front door. As soon as I hit the trees she filled my head. She always did. But now Emmett was swimming in there too, 'Cant you see it?'
See what? There was nothing to see. She didn't like me like that, end of story. But what about when she smiles at me? Or holds my hand? Or when I have my arms wrapped around her? No. It was friendly affection. Just because I love her I should read too much into her touches, her smiles, her giggles, her hugs. I argued with myself for a good twenty minutes, telling myself over and over that Bella was interested in me.
I hit the edge of the meadow and I looked up, it was cloudy, but not raining. I sighed and went to sit over on the damp fall tree at the far edge.
What if she was interested in me? What would I do? Could I be with her? Could I love her when she couldn't love me? Could I even tell her? I growled in frustration and ran my fingers through my hair. This was insane. I could just chase my thoughts in circles all day, all night, all fucking week. I still wouldn't know what she wanted. A thousand different scenarios played out before my eyes, a thousand ways for me to be hers. I wanted each and every one of them, but it would be useless without truly knowing what it was that she wanted. And I knew I would give her whatever that was.
I watched the rain start to fall from the sky, the time was flying by as I sat on that tree and wondered about Bella. I imagined myself picking her up and spinning her round, to cuddle her tightly, I imagined how it would feel to just press my lips onto hers, to fell her sigh against me. I imagined getting out my piano and showing her how I felt, playing her songs I had abandoned. I missed my piano.
She was opening my eyes to too much, to everything that I liked here. The things I wanted, the things I missed. She was showing me them all, without even realising it.
If she was showing me them, maybe I could show her? Show her my piano, my meadow, my thoughts, my feelings, my affection. If she would let me.
My whole body sang at that thought, and I smiled to myself. I looked down at my watch and noticed it was nearly half four, I had been here for hours, just sitting here, watching the rain, and thinking about Bella. I stood up and stretched my limbs; I was stiff from sitting there all day.
"Stupid brain." I muttered to myself, once I was sure I wasn't going to double over half way through my journey from cramp, I started jogging. Emmett popped into my head again, him and his observance, why was it, that this one time, he was smart enough to notice something like this? And yet most of the time he was oblivious to most of the things that went on. And he said about Alice, if it was obvious to Emmett, why hadn't Alice called up on it? She usually pushed me forwards into things that were swaying me from my depression, however rare they were.
Like when I found that book in the attic, she passed me in the hallway and I laughed at something on the page, she all but tackled me to the ground with her hugs and went out and bought me a whole collection. Or when I met Tanya, she thought I was happy with her, when all she did was occupy my time for a while. I grimaced when I thought of Tanya, of touching her, of kissing her. It seemed strange. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I laughed to myself as I approached the lawn. Even Tanya couldn't get me down right now; I was less than twenty feet from Bella.
I opened the door breathlessly and I glanced towards the living room, expecting to see Emmett or Alice, or even Bella, but there was no one. I peered round into the kitchen and it was the same, empty. I shrugged, maybe they are out.
I walked up the stairs, a little down that I couldn't see Bella. I got to the top of the stairs and heard a faint voice; I pretty much knew it was Bella at once. It sounded like she was humming. I got closer to the door and leaned into it silently, she was humming. Stifled a chuckle and pressed my ear to the door, she stopped humming abruptly and I stepped back, afraid she had caught me. I thought about quickstepping towards my room.
The door opened slowly, and I pretty much froze.
"Edward?" she asked, quietly. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing really came out so I lifted my hand and waved once, sighing and smiling. She laughed and leant on the doorframe, "when did you get back?"
"A couple of minutes ago. I thought everyone was out."
"They are." She confirmed, "Alice and Jasper are at some kind of double date with Em and Rose. And Esme is shopping I think. Did you have a nice run?"
I shrugged and she laughed, "you will have to take me one day." I looked up at her, had I not thought earlier about bringing her to the meadow? I shook my head and smiled at her.
"I would love to; there is a really nice place I know." Hell, I might as well.
We stood there in silence for a few seconds, and I felt that strange electricity again, crackling in the air. It sizzled between us.
"Well I'm just going to...shower, so..." she seemed to snap away from the charged atmosphere too, and she nodded, stepping back into her room. I turned away from her and walked the short distance to my room, I heard her door shut and I opened my own.
When Alice got back she was more hyper than usual, practically buzzing. Emmett said he was going to bed early, at only half ten. It wasn't like Emmett at all. But he did give me and Bella a knowing glance as we sat next to each other on the sofa. Bella didn't catch it, but I did. We sat together and watched a film in the sitting room, I tried not to think about how strange it was, and I tried not to stare at Bella the whole time. Neither one was I successful at.
It was strange how I had just thrown myself into my family's routine, their activities, but none of them seemed to pay much attention to it, or they did a good job in hiding it. And Bella would tuck her hair behind her ear, or laugh silently, or even look towards me. It was hard not to watch her, she was so...watchable.
Once I had stalked upstairs, tired enough to sleep, she followed. Not three steps behind me. she had stopped me and hugged me before opening her door to her room and shutting it behind her. Now as I shut my door behind me, her scent was swirling around in my head. I could feel her warm little arms around me, as she whispered her goodnight into my shoulder. I sighed loudly and changed out of my jeans, swapping them for sweats and staring at my bed, it just didn't seem complete. Like it was like I was missing something.
Her.
I groaned in frustration, as much as I loved her she was becoming more of an obsession. I climbed into the bed anyway and yanked the quilt up over me.
But I could smell her, her strawberry scent and sweet flowers. Her breath was on my pillows, her scent on my blankets. I sighed and pressed my face subconsciously into the pillow. I was asleep before I really knew it.
Well...review me and make me smile... :)
