Days turned into weeks and weeks into months, and before Merlin realised it, he had been at uni for nearly a whole term and Christmas was upon them. He could barely believe that this time last year he had been living with his parents and would be spending Christmas day with his Mum, Dad and Mordred. This Christmas day would be spent with Elena and some friends they had made at uni who were not going back home for the holidays. The alternative had been a gathering at Gwen and Morgana's, and Merlin had been more than tempted, but Arthur would be there, and Merlin didn't think he could bear it.

Instead of getting easier without Arthur, it was getting worse.

Arthur made a clear effort to avoid him, so much for staying friends, and when they did see one another, Arthur made sure to get away from Merlin as fast as possible. Merlin missed him so much that it physically hurt.

And yet, he wouldn't say he wasn't happy with Gwaine. Merlin lived with Elena and Gwaine would stay there some nights, he would stay at Gwaine's on others. It was easy. Gwaine made him laugh – he made Merlin feel loved. Arthur was always there, in the back of his mind and Merlin wondered if this sense of loss would every go away, even if he lived to be a hundred and fifty.

Merlin hadn't been able to resist buying Arthur a Christmas present, still trying to kid himself that they were friends at least. It was only a t-shirt; Merlin and Elena had gone to London for the weekend a few weeks earlier and on Sunday morning had spent hours wandering around Spitalfields Market, which is where Merlin had seen the t-shirt that had jumped out at him as being perfect for Arthur.

He'd bought it without thinking about it.

His intention had been to drop it at Arthur's front door, leave it there for Arthur to find, without them having to meet face to face. Only when Merlin turned the final corner in the stairwell to find Arthur was just letting himself in through his front door and it was too late to duck back down again and hide.

"I, um, brought you a Christmas present," Merlin stammered. He held up the neatly wrapped present as though it was evidence and he had just been caught doing something wrong.

For an endless moment Arthur didn't say anything, he just stared at Merlin before wordlessly holding open the door. Merlin hesitated and nodded, slipping past Arthur and into the open space living area. He gasped when he noticed it was full of packing boxes.

"I – you're moving?" Merlin accused. "Where to, are you leaving town?" Something twisted in his belly at the realisation that Arthur might be moving away from Albion. He placed the present on the dining table and watched Arthur for an answer.

"Would you care if I was?" Arthur asked from his position on the other side of the sofa. Merlin had forgotten how Arthur liked to use furniture as a barricade to him when the conversation turned uncomfortable.

All of Merlin's instincts were screaming at him to say 'yes, I'd miss you like hell' but something stopped him. Like the fact that telling Arthur he would miss him was a pointless exercise. Merlin missed him enough as it was and he only lived a few streets away, but he didn't see him any more for the proximity. He gulped; what would it be like knowing Arthur wasn't just around the corner?

"Of course I care. We're friends aren't we?"

Arthur's face fell. "Right, yes, of course we are." He switched his gaze to the present. "I didn't get you anything."

"I didn't expect you to. I just saw that, and thought of you." I think of you all the time.

"Well, thank you. I'll open it tomorrow." Arthur circled the far side of the sofa and opened the fridge. "Drink?"

Merlin knew it wasn't wise to stay, but if they really were friends then there was no reason why he couldn't. "Why not?" he replied and watched as Arthur took a beer from the fridge and tossed it towards Merlin.

"So, you haven't told me where you're moving to," Merlin pushed. He had to know. It mattered; even though Merlin might be on the verge of a much bigger move himself. He just hadn't said yes yet.

Arthur opened a drawer and pulled out the bottle opener, popped the cap on the beer and held it out for Merlin. Merlin walked over to collect it and Arthur pulled it back. "Why are you here?" His eyes burned like blue fire.

Merlin's heart thundered. "I told you-"

"Christmas present, of course," Arthur sighed and the fire burned out. He shook his head and handed Merlin the bottle. "I've bought a house in Castleview." Castleview was the popular boho-ish area a mile or so outside the city centre where Gwen and Morgana lived. Not far then. Merlin felt the relief filter through him.

"You're moving nearer to Drew. That's a good idea." Merlin had heard from Gwen that Arthur was seeing a lot more of Drew these days, and that father and son were more than a little enamoured with each other.

"Thank you, Merlin. You know I live for your approval."

Merlin grinned. Now this was more like the Arthur he knew and loved. He span on his heel, shifted an empty box off the sofa and sat down, putting his feet up on the coffee table in the way he knew annoyed Arthur. He didn't want to force it – regaining the camaraderie between them – but it couldn't hurt to cultivate it a little.

He took a long swig of his beer and watched as Arthur came to sit on the other end of the sofa, as far away as he could possibly get without sitting on the arm. "You got any plans for tonight then?" Merlin asked, thinking Arthur might be going to Camelot's Christmas Eve Grotto extravaganza.

Arthur shook his head. "No, just me, a take-away and whatever shit's on the TV."

"I haven't got any plans either. I'll stay and keep you company." Merlin deliberately made a statement rather than offered his company as an option.

"Where's Gwaine tonight then?" Arthur asked and instantly the elephant was back in the room.

"He's got his work Christmas meal. No partners allowed."

Arthur snorted. "They have their Christmas meal on Christmas Eve?"

"Gwaine's boss is a stickler for tradition," Merlin said. He declined to mention that he and Gwaine had had a mammoth argument about it and that they were currently not even talking – that Merlin had stomped out of Gwaine's flat last night.

"You're happy with Gwaine?"

"Yes." Despite their recent argument Merlin wasn't lying. Knowing he would be happier yet with Arthur didn't mean anything.

Arthur took another swig of his beer and after more awkward silence said, "Fuck it, I'm opening my present." He leapt to his feet and made a swipe for the present off the table, making light work of the elaborate gift wrap and needless bows. He pulled out the t-shirt and held it aloft in front of him, his face breaking into a reluctant smile when he read the text on the front – 'shy'. He pulled the t-shirt he was currently wearing over his head and turned to Merlin, the smile still in place and said, "You idiot, Merlin."

His smile faded as his eyes met Merlin's, and Merlin couldn't even pretend not to know why when the unexpectedly shirtless torso in front of him hadn't filled his cock with need and-

He shouldn't have been surprised when Arthur straddled him with lightning speed and covered Merlin's mouth with his own, or when Merlin was divested of his own t-shirt, and Arthur pulled his jeans down over his hips and that Merlin had let him without a second thought. Arthur scrabbled to his feet and kicked off his own jeans, and instead of returning to Merlin's lap, he sat down beside him and pulled Merlin onto his.

Merlin didn't object, he was lost in need and sensation and an unequivocal desire to be close to Arthur, because he'd missed this, missed his touch and he needed it, like nothing else.

Arthur buried his face in Merlin's neck, sucking a trail of tiny kisses into the hollow there, his thumbs traced over nipples before moving lower and cupping his arse. Their cocks bobbed together, begging for touch, and one of Arthur's hands abandoned its desperate quest for Merlin's entrance and wrapped confidently around them, stroking a slow slide over both of them, causing Merlin to hiss Arthur's name and seek out his mouth for a long slow kiss.

Merlin summoned his jeans and rammed his hand into the pocket to come up with lube and a condom. He handed it to Arthur who was still fisting their cocks together, and set about preparing Merlin for his cock. It could have been just moments or even hours, but Merlin heard his own disjointed voice begging Arthur to do it, that he was ready, that he wanted Arthur inside him.

Arthur obliged, Merlin raising himself on his knees so Arthur could shift into position before lowering himself slowly onto Arthur. When he was fully seated he leant forward and bowed his head against Arthur's shoulder to adjust; Arthur's familiar scent filling his nostrils and squeezing his heart.

"God, Merlin, I've missed this," Arthur groaned as he settled his hands on Merlin hips and began to buck upwards. He tipped his head back and caught Merlin's eyes. All Merlin could think of, outside of the sensations that were the drag of Arthur's cock inside him was home. He closed his mouth over Arthur's and began to ride him hard, he needed this, God he needed it, but he also need it to be over and to get out of there. This was a dangerous place to be.

For Merlin, it was the length of their separation that had him coming so quickly, and his ability to read that Arthur was close as well. He exploded over Arthur's chest with a guilty groan. His hands gripped Arthur's shoulders as he rode out his orgasm, feeling the exact moment when Arthur followed him, his eyes on Arthur's face to capture the memory of his face as he came.

Merlin committed it to memory and lowered his eyes.

His breathing was ragged, as was Arthur's as his breath tickled over Merlin's earlobe as he struggled to regain his composure.

"Fuck," Arthur said under his breath. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

That was all Merlin needed to hear to know Arthur regretted this; that nothing had changed. He might want Merlin but he didn't want him. He never had. Merlin had deluded himself for far too long and he wasn't about to go back to that place and... Shit. Gwaine. Merlin's boyfriend. Merlin was willing to bet that if he checked his phone now, there would be another text from Gwaine saying how sorry he was and would Merlin please call him and tell him where he stood? The thought of Gwaine had Merlin scrabbling off Arthur's lap and reaching for his clothes in an attempt not to panic...

-0-0-0-

Arthur watched silently as Merlin panicked and began to urgently drag his clothes back on, avoiding his eye as he did so. "Merlin-" he began.

"This never happened," Merlin interrupted. "I'm not- We're not- We don't do this anymore."

"Don't we?" Arthur drawled sardonically, looking Merlin up and down with a smirk. "It looks very much to me like we do."

"I thought I could do this," Merlin continued, ignoring Arthur's interjection. "I thought I could be 'friends' with you, Arthur, but I can't. It's not fair on Gwaine, or me."

The vice around Arthur's heart tightened. Arthur opened his mouth to say something, anything that would bring Merlin back to him, and abruptly closed it again. Merlin could do better. Merlin had done better. Gwaine was one of the good guys. All Arthur was good for was fucking around and Merlin deserved more. Arthur couldn't be that person. He couldn't stay faithful to one person. He didn't know how.

"I didn't mention this before because I still wasn't sure I was going to take it, but I think it's for the best that I'm away from Albion for a while," Merlin was saying as he pulled his t-shirt over his head. "I've been offered an eight month placement at NYU – they run an exchange program for people like me, you know, magic, and normally you have to be in your second year but - I go in January. Gwaine's transferring offices to come with me. I'm moving to New York."

Arthur's head span. He was glad he was sitting down because he didn't like his chances at remaining standing. Don't go. Don't go. DON'T GO!

"Anyway, we'll go on or around the thirteenth," Merlin continued. "So I guess this is it." He finally looked at Arthur for a response, but Arthur had long since schooled his features into indifference.

He shrugged. "Good luck then," he said blandly.

Merlin's blue eyes scanned Arthur head to toe – sitting still on his sofa as naked as the day he was born. Arthur met his gaze unblinkingly, praying that his sudden urge to cry wasn't as obvious to Merlin as it felt to him.

"Right," Merlin said. "I hope the move goes well." He picked up his bag and without another word, he was gone.

Arthur leapt to his feet the moment the door clicked behind him and bolted it, before heading for the shower. He stood for endless minutes underneath the powerful jets, allowing them to wash away the tears that he refused to cry.

He barely slept, and the following morning when he donned his Santa outfit and went to Morgana and Gwen's to see his son, he hoped nobody would be able to tell that he'd just lost the most important person in his life for the second time.

Gwen took one look at him and pulled him into a bear hug. "Oh, Arthur," she said gently, kissing his cheek gently. "Why do you do this to yourself?"

Arthur sank into the embrace, but didn't reply.

-0-

Arthur didn't go to Merlin and Gwaine's leaving party, he went to Camelot and fucked the first guy to put the moves on him. He took a different guy home and didn't even care that the guy stayed over, or that he stayed for the best part of two days, or that when he finally left, Arthur still didn't know what his name had been.

-0-

It was March when Arthur finally screeched to a blinding halt; caused, embarrassingly, by an intervention by Leon, Gwen, Lance, Morgana, Gaius and Alice. He'd been lured to a 'gathering' at Gwen and Morgana's, whose house he now lived nearer to, and had been barricaded in by a human force field of interfering busy-bodies.

"You have to stop this, Arthur," Morgana ploughed straight in. "It's like you've set yourself on 'self-destruct' and you're not going to be satisfied until you've totally burnt yourself out."

Arthur scowled. Like it was anyone's business what he did! He never missed a day at work; and if he was a little tired then coffee was more than enough of a pick-me-up thank you very much. He always kept his promises where Drew was concerned, never missing an opportunity to spend time with him. What the fuck was their problem?

"I'm absolutely fine," he said, crossing his arms in front of his chest and trying to barge through to the front door and out of the nightmare.

"Mate," Leon said. "You are so not fine. Have you seen yourself lately? You look like an extra from 'Thriller'."

"You always were prone to exaggeration, Leon," Arthur scorned. So, he'd lost a little weight and hadn't bothered so much with keeping up his tan. That was hardly a crime. "What exactly are you all trying to say to me?"

"We-" Leon began, but was cut off by Gaius.

"We're worried about you, Arthur. All of us here love you. I myself consider you a member of my family. We can't stand around and watch this anymore. When was the last time you stayed in for the night?"

Arthur stayed in all the time! He searched his memory and came up blank and frowned.

"There – you can't remember can you? You're out until all hours every night, you bring back a different man every time – you work all day – you're going have a nervous breakdown and it needs to stop."

Arthur failed to see the difference in how he was now and how he'd been before Merlin. It always came back down to him; Merlin, who had gone to New York with his new boyfriend without so much as glancing behind him.

"I've always been out every night and with a different guy every time, why are you all getting your knickers in a twist now?"

"Not like this you haven't, Arthur," Gwen said, chewing her lower lip nervously. "It was never every night. It was never like this."

Arthur felt trapped, backed into a corner like prey that knew its number was up.

"Merlin-" Lance started, and Arthur balked.

"Don't mention him!" he cried, backing up until he literally was in the corner of the room, a sea of concerned faces looking back at him.

"Why not, Arthur?" Morgana chimed. "Because of you, we all lost Merlin. You're not the only one who misses him you know!"

"I don't miss Merlin," Arthur replied, his chest tightening. "I'm glad he's gone. All he ever did was drag me down. I wish I'd never met him!"

"Arthur," said Alice, approaching him like one might approach a feral animal, one hand held out tentatively, as though Arthur might need to sniff her first. "You love that boy. I know you miss him. You love him, any fool can see that; but he's gone, and you need to accept it and stop trying to compensate for your loss this way." The hand landed on Arthur's shoulder and before he knew it, Arthur was sobbing in her arms.

-0-0-0-

Merlin loved New York. He loved the tiny apartment he lived in with Gwaine. He adored the buzz of the city and the fact that there was always something to do, something to see, someplace to go.

No, his homesickness was not about the geography. He missed Gwen and Drew. He missed Alice's coffee and Gaius' quiet counsel. He missed Lance's stoic friendship, Elena's loyal dedication, Morgana's sardonic wit, his mother – hell – he even missed Mordred!

He couldn't go back though; as much as he'd longed to visit over Spring break, he couldn't risk seeing Arthur. He couldn't be sure he wouldn't repeat what had happened at Christmas if he did, and he couldn't do it to Gwaine. Even if he had finally admitted to himself that his feelings for Gwaine were never going to grow beyond a strong friendship with benefits.

"I saw Gwen the other day," Elena said when she called Merlin to finalise her plans to visit him for a week later in the year. "She said Arthur wasn't doing too well."

Merlin buried the concern that instantly spiked in his chest and waited for Elena to elaborate.

"He's in some kind of rehab."

Merlin closed his eyes and tried not to think of what Arthur had been doing to get him to the stage where rehab was the only answer. He knew Arthur had occasionally dabbled in a recreational smoke and Merlin had often joined him in that. But rehab?

"Then I'm glad he's getting the help he needs," Merlin said. "Now, can you bring me a box of Lifeboat tea when you come, because I can't cope with this shit they call tea over here any longer!"

Elena sighed, but didn't call Merlin out on his avoidance turning the conversation to how the girl staying in Merlin's room - his exchange partner, Freya - had a huge crush on Morgana.

When the call ended Merlin turned on his laptop and checked his email. He was in touch with Gwen and Morgana via email, neither of them had mentioned Arthur going into rehab. Neither had Lance, and when he'd called Alice and Gaius at the weekend, nothing had been said then. He could only gather from the lack of information that Arthur didn't want him to know.

When Gwaine came home from work Merlin said, "Elena says Arthur's gone into rehab."

Gwaine shifted guiltily.

"You knew?"

Gwaine sat down at the other end of the sofa and said, "I talk to Lance at least every other day, of course I knew about this. It's not rehab as you probably think, it's not drugs or booze; he's on a retreat. He's exhausted is all."

"Exhausted!" Merlin gasped, wondering what he had to have been doing to run himself down so much. "So, why didn't you tell me?"

Gwaine sighed and ran a hand through his long hair. "Because I knew you'd worry."

"I'm not worried," Merlin lied.

"Right, of course you're not." Gwaine scooted along the sofa and took Merlin's hand, brown eyes meeting blue. "Look, Merlin, I know this isn't the best time, but – no – perhaps it is. I can't do this anymore. I can't be second best."

"You're not second best!" Merlin's heart was hammering in his chest, but not for the reason it should be. He hated that Gwaine had known all along that Merlin didn't love him, really love him. He hated that he had hurt his friend.

"Merlin, you love Arthur, you've always loved Arthur, and I was a fool to think that I could come between that. I thought that if I was the dependable one, the one who didn't fuck around on you, that that would be enough, but even with thousands of miles between you, you still pine for him."

"I do not-"

Gwaine held up a staying hand and Merlin paused.

"At least be honest with me, Merlin, I deserve that much don't I?"

Merlin hung his head. He nodded. "Are you leaving me?"

"I think I am," Gwaine said, and pulled Merlin into a hug. "I think we're leaving each other."

-0-

Merlin got lucky and managed to get a place in the NYU dorms in Greenwich Village after moving out of his and Gwaine's apartment. The room was much bigger than he had expected and he was soon settled in. Elena still came out as planned and Merlin spent the week showing her the sights of the city.

Of course, they ended up in a gay club before the week was out, Elena saying things like, 'getting back on the bike' and 'more fish in the sea'. Her words fell on Merlin's deaf ears, and he knocked back the many offers to buy him a drink – even when he saw Gwaine wrapped around a good looking blond, he felt nothing other than pleased that Gwaine was moving on. He certainly had no desire to pick anyone up himself. He told Elena as much and she said, "Arthur's with someone now. If he can then you can."

"He's 'with someone'?" It was weeks since he had heard Arthur had been at this retreat place and he knew he had to have come home by now. No one ever mentioned him to Merlin. Every email held an Arthur shaped hole. Now he was home and had a boyfriend? Arthur didn't do boyfriends!

Elena nodded, not even looking at Merlin as she ripped his heart out of his chest – her attention was on one of the scantily clad podium dancers. "Do you think they are all gay in here? I mean-"

"Who – is – this – boyfriend?" Merlin said slowly, making sure she heard him.

She still didn't look at him when she said, "I think Alice said his name was Cenred or something. I saw them at the café the other week – he's one of those leather wearing sorts – really hot."

Merlin felt hot. He'd always been safe in his certain knowledge that Arthur merely fucked around, that Merlin was the only one who'd ever gotten close, and if Merlin wasn't with Arthur like that then he could be damned sure that no one else was either. It had been some comfort.

His head was still spinning when a tall skinny guy materialised beside him and offered to buy him a drink. Merlin was in the back room with his cock in skinny guy's mouth before he had time to process exactly why he was doing this. When he came he was crying.

Later that night he lay in Elena's arms and stared at the ceiling. "Why didn't you tell me about Arthur sooner?" he asked.

"I hadn't planned on telling you at all," she confessed. "I knew you would react like this, but you know what I'm like when I drink vodka." Vodka loosened her tongue and suppressed her inhibitions. She had actually asked podium dancer guy if he was gay, and run away like a five year old from the child catcher when he said he was bi and she suddenly remembered that the question was moot, because Elyan waited for her back home.

"I miss him," Merlin said. "I'm scared that I always will." It really was over. Arthur had moved on.

Elena stroked his hair and closed her arms more tightly around him, "You'll meet someone else eventually. You're nineteen, Merlin, not ninety."

"'M not nineteen till next month," he argued feebly. Merlin didn't want to meet anyone else. The longer he was apart from Arthur the more he realised that there was no one else for him. He was royally fucked.

-0-0-0-