Korea! M*A*S*H 4077th
November 18, 1950

And here we are, out in Uijongbu, ROK! This is Maxwell Q. Klinger, head reporter of M*A*S*H Notes, coming in for a landing finally, after some weeks of running, dismantling and flying away, with notes scattering to the winds after bombs burst amongst. We may be heading more southward is things heat up, but it's been getting louder and louder as we settle into a more permanent location. We're about three miles from the front lines (as this reporter has been told by a certain colonel who shall remain nameless), but from what we've been hearing, we might be here to stay! Locations may vary, but Uijongbu will be hosting the 4077th for as long as the enemy likes us kicking around. So, sit back, everyone, and enjoy the new edition from the one and only Uijongbu. Let the new edition commence. All in preparation for Thanksgiving!

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ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM COLONEL BLAKE

There have been notes kicking around, all of them claiming to be from the Officers' Latrine Bandit, and all of them considered evidence in this Army investigation. If anyone has anymore of those notes (or any other evidence) pertaining to the search for the Bandit, please leave them with Radar or leave them in my office when I am there soaking my toes from a long day at the office. All of the evidence will be sent to Lieutenant Walker of HQ Seoul, who is still here. I am not in charge of this little search anymore, so I must ask that all refrain from searching for the Bandit (including Majors Burns and Houlihan on their walks with the Bible to the Mess Tent services) and let the proper authorities handle the situation.

Now, speaking of which, Lieutenant Walker is still investigating this investigation, so give him all you can. He's just tired of being here for a month, traveling with us, and having the enemy on our butts as well as the Bandit (annoyed also with the lack of toilet paper). So, if you see him walking around the camp and feeling grouchy, leave him alone. All reports of daily activities are being sent to Seoul, so everyone must behave when he's around! All toys must go in the attic, all antics be squashed and we all be professional. And that's an order.

As everyone also knows, Rosie's Bar just opened down the road, for business and laughs (as well as partying that we can't do here). I want everyone to know that you all need to behave yourselves and not get caught up with some B-rate girl while you're there. I mean, we don't want to be fighting over them, the drinks and some money with the Marines, do we? So, if you can't play nice here (I am not mentioning names, you know who you are), don't go down there and cause more trouble. Rosie doesn't need it from us. The Marines are usually enough for her.

Lastly, as a reminder to the enlisted personnel of this camp, the Army has ordered that no more lectures be presented on the topic of SEX. The reason is because…well, it's because the reason is because the officers are having too fun with it and are not being serious when I asked them to leave. No orders are being followed when it concerns lectures like that. And because of this (and the report from Lieutenant Walker, dated last week, sent to Seoul), the Army has asked that no more lectures be said on that topic. Instead, they have asked that new lectures be about the diseases caused by said action that everyone loves. So, this Saturday in the Mess Tent, the lecture about VD will be presented. No officers allowed please! An MP will be posted at the doors and on all sides, so leave the enlisted personnel to their mandated lectures please.

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Extra! Extra! Read all about it! WAR IN KOREA (NOW A "POLICE ACTION" AT HOME) RAGES AND WAGES IN OUR HEARTS, MIND AND ALL AROUND US! MORE WILL FOLLOW IN THIS ISSUE!

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Halloween Party Costume Winners!
By: Maxwell Q. Klinger

Ok, ok, I do want to apologize that this is all late. You can blame the North Koreans and Chinese for getting us all in a twist. But now, I do have the winners of the Halloween Party's costume contest, all judged by our very own Colonel Blake and Major Burns (as if one of them has taste, but we shall leave that there) with prizes to be announced whenever the former can come up with any. All were supplied by our gracious Colonel Blake and Radar, but here they are! And the winners are…

First Place: Father Mulcahy (as Saint Paul, but no severed head)
Second Place: Captains "Trapper" McIntyre (as Batman) and "Hawkeye" Pierce (as Superman)
Third Place: Lieutenant Janet Baker (as a convincing geisha)
Honorable Mentions: Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger (as an actual GI Joe), Corporal "Radar" O'Reilly (as Papa Bear with his Baby Bear) and Lieutenant Ginger Balis (as Amelia Earhart)

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"A Desperate Man", Part III
By: Maxwell Q. Klinger

I humbly apologize to my readers for no notice on my latest attempt as everyone was busy elsewhere, but it now has to be said. I understood that the Halloween festivities took the best of us and a humble corporal's story would have not been very attentive, especially at this time of year. Please note that I felt your sorrow and disappointment in my heart, knowing that the first major holiday has come and gone without our loved ones, but this shall melt it.

My latest attempt was probably an obvious one as you may guess. Yes, it's Halloween, and as everyone dressed up, so did I. But as many of you noticed (or not noticed), I did not dress in one of my wonderful collections of dresses, even when I was planning to dress as our very own First Lady, Bess Truman. Oh, no! I dressed as a regular GI Joe!

So, while everyone was celebrating All Hallows Eve (and trying not to get drunk with the orphans around), I decide that, since no one will pay attention anyway, I would sneak out. The excuse being getting more supplies for this paper of course, which was always taken with a grain of salt (especially with our esteemed Colonel Blake so happily handing me permission before he passed out). I anxiously took a jeep, packed my necessities and took off like the wind! I made perfect timing and was thrilled that this was going to be it! I was free and going back to Toledo at long last!

But my story ended when I was stopped by a guard, a MP alerted about my escape (by someone who shall remain nameless), between here and Seoul. This guy was smart. Since I'm infamous in Korea for wearing dresses and escaping, he realized my plan for Halloween and sent me back to you guys here at the 4077th. Of course, the only person who knew that I was gone was Major Freedman (and the informed to the MP) and he wasn't going to confess anything I told him on the backseat of a jeep when I came back. So, the secret was safe…until I was told you all today.

Here I am, alas for Toledo (and myself). Writing this story for our edition stuck longing for the smell and land of Toledo. I hear it calling me in the night, always begging at me with her fingers. Oh, Toledo needs me as much as I need it. Please, folks, call your Congressman! Tell them that I cannot deny these calls from Toledo. I need to be there and the Army can deal without me. Please let me go home!

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SOME NEWS FROM THE WAR FRONT

~The day after Halloween, the Chinese pulled in some forces and attacked Unsan. We attacked back and ended up with wounded up the behind. This caused us to move too, many times over, and had the Chinese following us too. They, as well as the North Koreans, have been pushed back up. UN forces have been digging deeper into enemy territory. Rumors have been abound of getting the North Koreans and Chinese back into China and decimating North Korea, but we shall see what happens.

~On November 3, the United Nations finally passed a resolution, saying that North Korea was violating a "breach of peace" between nations and they have been censured from the UN as well. Hey, they could have asked us on the front and back to tell them that! No big surprise there!

~There have been more rumors floating around (mostly from Majors Burns and Houlihan) that General MacArthur ("Big Mac" to Klinger, as written in his letters to said general) will be pushing a "Home by Christmas" campaign. If this is so, we would be some busy bees for a while, but it would be worth it to be home for the actual holiday season and the New Year!

~President Truman has been asked time and again if he would use the A-Bomb on North Korea and China, as he did in the last war, as the Japanese gave them no terms of surrender when the offer was on the table. What has been passed on to this reporter's ears is that it might be used, but there is no guarantee, saving it for the last resort. Truman did not like what happened to Japan in the last war and does not want to hit them too close to home when bombing North Korea and China. For now, Mr. President has been said to be "considering" using the A-Bomb.

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From the Mess Tent
By: Private Igor Straminsky

Thank you to everyone who participated in our Halloween meal and added more to it! I surely had a shock when Captains Pierce and McIntyre decided to make some sort of slime and, well, slimed people as they walked in (mostly Majors Burns and Houlihan). My apologies if it got into the food that I know everyone tried enjoying, but it could not be helped. Me and the cook did not have anything to do with it, as we've been trying to tell Majors Burns and Houlihan. And we will say it again until we are blue in the face!

Brace yourselves for the Thanksgiving rush that will be coming up very shortly. We will wait patiently for our rationed turkey and powdered goodies to arrive, expected to be in by this Monday, November 20. More details when we, the Mess Tent, get them! Hopefully, we will have more news in the next edition for Klinger.

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Trapp's Movie Review: Casablanca
By: "Trapper" John McIntyre

This week's movie that the Army so generously gave us was the one and only Casablanca. It is one of the better movies that we have received without going on some type of strike. And I mean it!

All love scenes with Ingrid Bergman are perhaps the best in cinema history. Despite what the last war offered us (even if all of us were not in Africa about ten years ago), it still brings little to no women, but one that would melt your socks right off. Ingrid Bergman was one lady I would not mind ripping clothes off of. And her performance…it is so moving and powerful and it will be here for another whole week!

So, if you are bored and decide that you will try to memorize a movie because the Army once again messed up (and trust me, there are many of them), this is for you! Grab your popcorn, drinks and other assorted goodies and head down to the Swamp at 2000 hours where your hosts, I and Hawkeye Pierce, will make your night a magical one. We are only accepting women at this time, but all male personnel are welcome to attend Happy Hour when the movie is over. Klinger, this does not mean you, but you can come to the party afterward.

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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM HAWKEYE

As many of you are fully aware, I had a contest on Halloween night for the women of our fine establishment to meet me for a night of fun and frolic while at the same time judging for the best costume. Of course, there has to be one winner, but I want all you ladies to know that all of your costumes were fantastic and perhaps sexy. And all fascinated me.

In my big heart, you all are winners (even if "Hot Lips" Houlihan was not there, she is one too), but I have to say that the winner is…Lieutenant Leslie Dish! Dressed as a vicious cat (along with a tail that wrapped around your tongue), there was no doubt that she would not win, even if Henry Blake was all over her. I could not choose any other winners after her, but I must say, all were startling to the eyes and speaking much to the lips!

The night was filled with magic, moonlight and landmines. You cannot get more romantic than that! So, until next year ladies, happy days ahead! Or, if the war's over by then, I will personally give you my address in Crabapple Cove, Maine (and the cabin in Vermont for Christmas) so we can keep this tradition going. Consider it a war memory that must be followed.

And I must add…no, I am not married and I do not have five children. That was a vicious rumor spread around by yours truly and is not the truth.

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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM AUNT SADIE

There will be no Letters to the One I Love…In Camp and Dear Aunt Sadie in this edition. My children, it was a tragedy as to why this happened, something that has moved your Aunt Sadie to tears. With all of the moving around we did, all of the letters were blown to pieces. The tent in which everyone leaves their writings, contributions and such, moved when thieves stole some money from Colonel Blake's office…well, when we were bombed two weeks ago, when we were still in Taegu, one of the enemy shells hit the tent where all the money and writings were. None were recovered except the ones shown in this edition, which were sitting in Colonel Blake's office under lock and key thankfully. And yes, we were lucky that those were saved for this very belated edition!

I do apologize, my dearies, but the two sections will be back in the next edition. So, do not fret! Everyone's letters and replies will be there. Just resubmit them, under no charge whatsoever, and they will be back. Thank you, to everyone (especially Colonel and Mrs. Blake, the latter whose letter was also lost), for the understanding and sympathy!

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WEATHER

Today: Scattered showers are likely, highs in the upper thirties to low forties (if there is no rain). Snow flurries are possible, but Stars and Stripes did say that snow was rare here in Korea.

Tomorrow: More rain, highs around forty with lows around thirty-five. It is possible for that snow again, but we have to be wishful about it!

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Greetings from the new camp in Uijongbu, everyone! We're almost there to Thanksgiving and the special edition for the holiday, but give our hopes to "Big Mac" for a Christmas 1950 at home, with a truce to boot. Here's to getting home and not having tents and rooms blown up in a flame of glory where there is money and writings to be had! So, pray with Father Mulcahy this Sunday for peace and going home, send in your money like good little boys and girls and keep on writing! As Aunt Sadie said, all new posts will be free because of the loss. But it will not happen again, I assure you!

I have to say how much of a success this has been to all. However, we need more writers. So, this is Maxwell Q. Klinger…not only signing off, but also calling all writers, big and small, for the 4077th's successful paper. Send us your tired, poor and handwritten articles for this paper along with some money for it. Remember the prices and drop in accordingly, giving it directly to me or Radar in the office.

Have a great day, camp! Let's have some fun in Uijongbu and party on at Rosie's!