It's here.
If the answers to this nightmare exist, they must be here. I suppose, it is poetic in some twisted, utterly heartless way: the place where it all started is the place where it will end. In this park, twelve years ago, I met her for the very first time.
"I cannot understand the way this girl thinks"
It's a good lie, a convenient one. I believe, she always used to say that the best lies are not the ones we use to deceive the others. In fact, the humanity's nature is selfish to the core, so we always prepare our best lies only for ourselves, no one else.
In other words, the best lies humans are capable of are meant to fool our own hearts. It's twisted and horrible way to think, but the one I can understand. I wonder if this means that I also was turned into a twisted human being by her.
Isn't this also a lie? I was not turned. I choose to turn myself, so I could understand her. I wished I understand that girl, and thus, I learned to understand her in process. I understood her, but I wasn't able to think the way she did.
"I can understand her, but I cannot be like her".
Is this the truth? I am not sure anymore. In those horrible days that turned this oyster's shell upside down, I also learned that things of great value can be lost as easily as any cheap stuff. In the end, the difference was in how hard I tried not to give them up.
"I am at loss"
It was said by a beautiful woman to my left. She, along with me, was sitting on a set of swings, looking depressed. In all honesty, she was someone who could easily define the concept behind the word "woman" simply by existing. In other words, she was perfect.
I, sadly, had no interest in her. If it was me from a week before, I'm sure that my reaction would have been different and, probably, extremely embarrassing, something I certainly would regret later. I was sure of this fact.
"It was supposed to be a perfect plan. I was sure that all thing would go smoothly, and in the end, I would receive great words of praise from my superiors and show all of them how good I actually am. I never doubted this plan of mine would ever fail."
It was pretty dark already, so this park was empty of all people, save for this lady and me. I think, she must be some kind of white collar worker or such that decided to rant to someone about her work. I'm sure those are words not for my ears.
"It was supposed to be perfect. I guess, this is where the root of the problem is. I think, the universe doesn't want any of us to be happy, so it pushes, and pushes, and pushes, so you won't be happy anymore. I was happy once, very damn happy: I had friends, work… heck, I even had some higher cause to work for"
"Ah, those were good days, but they didn't last. I fell from grace, literally, and lost a reason to live. I had nothing until that man picked me up. I had a second chance in life. I suppose, not all of us have such a privilege. And thus, I tried my damn best again"
"I tried when it was easy. I tried when it was hard. I tried when it all looked like shit. I got my hands dirty too many times already. But, that man, he gives me a chance, a lifeline or like. So, I decide that this looks like a pretty nice idea. I decide why not"
"I suppose; it was a bad call from the start. It was no miracle, or intervention, but more of a demotion. In the end, here I am, talking about my troubles to a little kid, in a desolate park, drunk. Honestly, this isn't what I expected from my life. I guess, this is life for you"
Oh, so this where the scent of alcohol in the air comes from. I looked at the stars, lost deep in thought. I told her what I felt inside.
"Yeah, the life is too damn unpredictable. I mean, a weak or so ago, I only wanted some normalcy in my life. In a sense that I wanted my childhood friend to act normal for a change. I wanted her to act like a normal girl I could talk normally with. I wanted things like that"
"But now… heh, now it all looks so distant. It's like my life turned into a fantasy novel. I suppose, in hindsight, I should have seen the first signs on our first meeting. I guess, this is the life for you"
"Oh, look here, we have a smart-ass over here. If you are so lovey-dovey with this chick, why not telling me about her? I'm too drunk to remember this talk later, so your secret is safe in me, boy"
"I… I was not lovey-dovey with her. We are friends. And, well, she was quite something. I mean, there wasn't a day without something happening. And by something, I really mean something. It didn't matter to her what exactly. If it was scary. If it was strange. If it was bizarre. If it was ordinary. If it was fun. If it was… I think, she was happy as long as the day before was unlike the day now. In honesty, I kind of liked that trait of hers"
"Well, sounds fishy to me, your feelings for her, but who am I to judge. I must admit, you are quite a listener, boy. It's really a shame I have to eliminate you. In other time or other life, I'm sure we could have become friends. Sadly, I can't gamble with this chance"
In an instant, a pair of wings sprouted from her back, black as night. In her elegant arm, a shining spear of light rose.
"If you want to blame someone, blame your friend who sold you out"
