Chapter 8: How to lose a mare in 7 minutes!

Outside Everfree Forest (Rendezvous Point Beta)

The cutie mark crusaders where on their way to the apple barn to see if they can get their cutie marks in cider brewing, "I bet that I will get a cutie mark by makin' the best darn cider that Equestria will ever taste" while they were walking and talking about how great of a cider they will make they hear a loud noise over their heads. "What in tarnation is that?" said Apple Bloom "I think is one of those aliens I heard your granny talk about" said Sweetie Belle "or maybe is Rainbow Dash making a triple rainboom" said Scootaloo as she tried to fly up the trees to see for sure. As the sound started to be louder and sounded closer they started to see a big ship landing behind on the Everfree Forest, "Oh my Celestia! Are those aliens?" said Scootaloo as she started to get exited "we should go tell Twilight" said Sweetie Bell as she started to remember what her sister told her about those kind of situations, "what so that she gets the credit for something we found?" said Scootaloo angrily, "It could be dangerous" said Sweetie Belle and as she was saying that Scootaloo started to sprint towards the ships location. "Scootaloo you come back here!" said Apple Bloom to the orange color Pegasus, but it was too late she was on her way to the landing site, "we have to follow her!" said Apple Bloom to Sweetie Belle. "Ok!" as they start to get close to the landing site they saw what seems to be a big three headed dog running towards them, "quick hide!" said Scootaloo as she hid inside of some bushes, right after they hid the three headed dog stood in front of the bush and he lifted his leg to mark territory, the cutie mark crusaders just found themselves getting pissed on, and as they started to noticed this Sweetie Belle shouted out of disgust, calling the attention of a group of changelings that where guarding the area, "Nice going! Now we will get caught", "indeed you did girls!" said a female voice, as they looked behind them they saw the Changeling queen and a big flash of light afterwards.

Everfree Forest (Rendezvous Point Beta)

As the ship started to land the boss's allies saw the logo of the 3rd street saints: The famous purple Fluor de Saints. As the ship doors opened the boss ran right inside the ship to greet everyone, "Que pasa cabrones?" said the boss to the crew, "Yo man wazzup!" said Pierce, "Zdorovat'sya Comrade!" said Oleg as he greeted the boss, "Johnny" said the boss, "ready to make some glue!" "Hell yeah man!" answered Johnny as he picked up his weapons, "Hey boss nice to see ya drop by!" said Shaundy as she looked her surroundings. "Man I can't wait to fuck this planet up!" said Pierce as he grabbed the "Special" weapon he developed against ponies. As they all started to talk about the stuff they planned to do to the planet, Chrysalis appeared in front of them with the three little Phyllis tied up and crying, "Da fuk is that?" said Pierce as he (and the rest of the team) raised their weapons at the queen, "Wooow woow wow! Da fuk guys she's cool!" said the boss as they all lowered their weapons, "Aw man I wanted to shoot something" said Johnny as he lowered his weapon, "Then why don't you shoot this!" said the changeling queen pointing to the three little Phyllis who when hearing Chrysalis suggestion started to cry even louder "Ok then" Johnny then Aimed his magnum at Sweetie Belle's forehead, "Wait I just got a better idea" he said at Gat as he was about to pull the trigger and send Sweetie Belle to the great pasture beyond, he then looked at the three little mares and asked them: "Are you gonna participate in the school performance of the anthem?" the little mares stood there with tears roling down their cheeks, right then he grabbed Johnny's gun and aimed in at Apple Bloom and yelled "If you don't answer me I'm gonna start shooting so talk or die!" this said the orange phylli said: "Yes we are gonna be in the performance and whats best is that we are the main vocalists" right there the boss lowered his gun and called Trixie and Sunset Shimmer, "So can you hypnotize ponies?" asked the boss to the two of them, "hypnotize? That's phylli's play" said Shimmer as she was glowing her horn, "good!" said the boss, "I need you to hypnotize this girl so that instead of the anthem they can sing a famous song of my planet!" "We will never sing anything that offends out kingdom!" said Apple Bloom, "Wow! Surprising how stereotypical this series is!" said the boss as he sat down next to the cutie mark crusaders. "I beg your pardon?" said Apple Bloom as she saw the boss's reaction "I mean the pony with a hillbilly accent defending her country! Last night I was turned in to a llama and you know what I was called by a southern colt in Appleloossa" said the boss as he remembered with a big grin in his face, "Go back to the south you furback!"he said trying to imitate the southern accent," At least that was what I think the horse was about to say before I stabbed him in his neck!" as he said this Apple Bloom remembered that his cousin BraeBurn lived in that town, "any way I ended up killing that assholes whole family and burned his apple farm to the ground! What was his name again Brade Burnt? No I think it was Rae Durn, or some shit like that!" as he finished the story Apple Bloom started to cry and yelled at the boss: "You monster that was my cosin when I get my hooves on you I will…" right about that moment the boss shot the gun at the sky and aimed it at the phylli "da fuk are you threatening me? Oh yea I forgot I was the one being captured and tied up, with a gun in my head here, Oh no what's that you say? I'm the one with the gun? Oh is that so! Then you should shut the fuck up before I blow your fucking head up so you can get fucked by your cousin in hell!" when said this, the boss lowered his weapon and said: "But no you will first serve your purpose and then die!" this said the boss told Sunset and Trixie what to make the Phyllis sing.

Sweet Apple Acres, Ponyville

"Where in tarnation are those Phyllis" asked Apple Jack, an Orange mare that always wore a cowboy hat to a red stallion that had plowing gear on, "I don't know I thought they wanted to learn how to make Granny Smiths famous apple cider!" said the red colt to his worried sister, "maybe something happened to them! We should search for them!" said the mare, as she was about to go she saw the three cutie mark crusaders walking in her direction. "Where the hay where ya'll" asked Apple Jack, "We were in the everfree forest trying to get out Timberwolves taming cutie mark!" said Scootaloo, "Yeah It was fun! You should have been there Sis!" said Apple Bloom, "I enjoyed myself a lot!" said Sweetie Belle, but then something didn't added up, the crusaders looked like they were crying and they smelled like urine, not to say they looked like they were beaten. "Are you sure ya'll was doin what ya'll said you were doin?" asked Apple Jack since she knew when ponies where lying, but that was it she didn't know if they were telling the truth because they didn't acted suspicious, so she let it slip. "Ok! I believe ya! But I think ya'll should take a bath! Ya'll smell worse than Big Mac after a date with Ms. Cherilee!" she said before thinking why he always smelled like piss and sweat after a date with the local school teacher. As she continued doing what she was doing she heard a big crash coming from behind the barn, so she went and check it out, "Sorry about that!" said a grey Pegasus with eyes in opposite looking directions, "Derpy what in tarnation are ya'll doin here?" asked Apple Jack since she saw her wearing her mailmare gear, "I got some special delivery from the colonel's office in Appleloossa!" "That's weird I don't know anypony who's a colonel in Appleloossa" as she gave her the letter she then said "Well I gotta go, this colonel has been sending a lot of letters lately! He must be very popular!" as she lifted flight again and left the farm Apple Jack opened the letter, as Apple Jack started reading she then notice it wasn't from a colonel, it was from a coroner official. "It can't be!" she said as she read the next few lines of the letter that confirmed what she was afraid of.

The letter was like this:

Coroner's Office Appleloossa PD

To any familiar of the following:

Braeburn Appleseed

And/or

Apple Fritter

We are sorry to inform you that the individual(s) listed above where killed by an unknown murderer, please pass to the Appleloossa Police Department for body identification and belongings removal, we are deeply sorry for the inconvenience this will make, and once again we reassure you that the Equestrian government will not rest until this and all the other recent murders, will be resolved, may the goddesses help you in this time of need.

Signed Coroner: Massa Tommy

As Apple Jack finished reading this she couldn't even move as she felt that a part of her died, as she then started crying, as this happened her brother and grandmother were entering the room and as they saw her lying on the floor weeping, they all rushed to her aid, "Sis what's wrong" as he said this Granny Smith saw that she was holding a letter and as she then saw the tittle of the letter she then said "I was afraid that that phone call where real!" she said as her Grandson asked "What are ya'll talking about?!" Granny Smith then started crying and then said "your two cousins where murdered in their farm in Appleloossa!" he then said "I see" as he said that Apple Jack grabbed her brother and Grandmother and said to them: "We must not tell Apple Bloom about this until after we identify the body to make sure it really them! Ya'll have to promise me!" she said with tears rolling down her cheeks "We Promise" they both said to the heart broken mare.

Ponyville Coronation day:

It had been 12 days since the boss threatened princess Celestia, and the Princess looked very worried, "Tia was wrong?" asked Luna to her sister, "Oh it's nothing; I'm just thinking about how nervous Twilight should be! After all it's not every day that you get your own kingdom!" as she said this, the introductive music played telling everypony that it was time to start the ceremony.

In the crowd they were all of the residents of Ponyville, as some other unknown faces, but since it was a coronation it was expected that even ponies from far away would show up, so nopony give importance. Between the unknown crowds they were our heroes (or should I say Anti-Heroes), disguised thanks to a spell made by Sunset Shimmer, there was Shaundy (who was a purple colored unicorn with a broken light bulb with smoke coming from it as her cutie mark) Johnny (a yellow with dark purple Pegasus with a Gat as his cutie mark), Oleg (a gigantic black and purple earth pony with a broken skull inside of a red star cutie mark), Pierce (a purple with gold striped zebra with a saints flow can as a cutie mark) and the boss (since his last form would be easily recognized by Shining Armor so he was now a blue and red Pegasus with the purple flour de saints inside the puertorican flag as his cutie mark). They were all ready to do protocol glue factory as soon as the boss gave his cue (which will be after the crusaders finish singing the" New Equestrian Anthem") "Is alpha team ready?" the boss asked thru his walkie talkie, "Ready!" said Queen Crysalis as she and her changeling children just finished tying the Cakes and their employees (including Pinkie Pie!, how you ask? Simple! Crysalis used the old "does this smells like chloroform to you?" trick), "Good! Cause it's your cue!" saying this Crysalis transformed in to Pinkie Pie and grabbed the can that the boss gave her and told her to give the drink to Discord and Luna, when she asked what was in the drinks the boss simply said "something that will make them open their eyes!" So then she poured the drinks in to the two glasses and went directly to the moon princess and the god of chaos, "Here you go your majesty! Complements from the fellow in the left corner!" as she said that the boss looked at Luna and winked at her in a seductive way "Oh my! He's how you mares put it? HOT!" she said as she blushed. It was then Discords turn to drink the concoction, She then stood next to Discord and said "Fluttershy told me to give this drink that she made with love to his best friend!" as shee said this she then gave the drink to Discord who was suspicious "You say that Fluttershy made this huh?" he said as he standed next to the changeling queen in Pinkie's form "yes she said that it was a thank you present for saving our buts against that dummy Tirek!" "Oh!" said Discord as he grabbed the drink "Ok I'll thank her personally later!" he said as he winked the yellow Pegasus "Can you tell her to meet me at my place after the Ceremony, I'm gonna give her my present wrapped, if you know what I mean!" he said to the changeling queen in Pinkie's form. She then left the podium and back to the catering room, while trying to forget what Discord and Luna said. "It is done!" said the queen to the boss thru her walkie talkie, as the mayor of Ponyville finished saying her speech it was Discord's turn to Shine, as he stood up, the drink started to make effect on both Luna and Discord. "Hey boss what was on that drink again?" asked Pierce as he saw Discord's and Luna's face. "Do you remember the time we went to the family guy universe?" said the boss with an evil look in his eyes "How to forget? You helped that evil big headed talking baby bring his doll to life!" said pierce while still looking at the two formerly evil characters "Well in exchange for that he gave me a grudge potion!" "Grudge potion? da fuk is that!" (Flash Back BITCHEZ!)

Quahog Rhode Island

"So how does this work again?" asked the boss to Stewie Griffin "It's easy! You just Mix a little bit of the meat of the ruling species pee on it and mix it with a bit of CoolWhiph!" "I didn't understood the last thing, what was that?" asked the boss to the baby genius "CoolWhip!" said Stewie Griffin again, right there the boss realized that Stewie was messing with him so he did what any purtorican would when someone is messing with him, speak Spanish "Bueno mi pana gracias por bregar conmigo!" Stewie looked at him and said "I don't understand that taco language of yours! Speak English, this is America dammit!" said Stewie Griffin "Oh so you can speak that shit that I don't understand but when I do it you get pissed huh?" said the boss right back at him "Ok, ok fine! Use the the meat of the ruling species then pee on it and then use cool whip" "Now on to how the potion works: Its simple really once the person or alien drinks the concoction he will remember all of the reasons why he became a villain and his hate will triple and also the love kindness and friendship will be consumed by the hate consuming it completely! Making him/her soul be twice or even more evil than when he was a villain" said the talking baby "Ok thanks man!" said the boss to the baby "Now where is the dam reanimation gun!?" said Stewie to the boss "Here you go! Don't shot your eye out, or it will become a living being and rip itself off your head!" said this and the gun hander to the baby he aimed it at his teddy bear "Let's see if it works!" he then shoot the gun at the toy bear "Oh my fucking god living hurts as fuck!" said the toy bear, "Oh my god Rupert your alive!" said the baby at the toy bear "No shit Sherlock!" said the toy bear as the baby hugged him "Got any beer?" asked Rupert "Rupert you drink?" "Of course I drink, I'm not a pussy!" this said the boss stood up and said: "Well enjoy your living bear! I gotta universe to rule!" "Hey, hey don't leave me here!" said Rupert "Hope you enjoy your new life!" this said the boss said to his watch "Beam me up scotty, Man I always wanted to say that!" "You sound so corny right now!" Said Matt on the other side of the TV Transporter. As he said this the boss disappeared Start Trek style. (END OF THE FLASH BACK BITCHEZ!)

Back at the Coronation Ceremony

"Oh yeah that was some adventure!" said the boss as he saw that Discord was wrapping up his speech, "So once again I am very, very, very, very soooooo sorry for betraying my friends and everyponies trust!" saying this everypony stood up and clapped. As he sat down the master of ceremonies stood up and started introducing the Ponyville students singing the Equestrian anthem. "Is Beta team ready?" said the boss to the two unicorns in charge of hypnotizing the Phyllis "Of course remember to say the activation word!" said Sunset Shimmer "Good!" "And now without further ado here they are the Ponyville grade school students and their teacher Ms. Cherilee to sing the Equestrian National Anthem" "Ok that's your cue Linux!" "Ok man! Hacking the music system! aand done! Setting the audio and activation word!" as he placed the music and pressed play, an all common sound known in all the galaxies and universes in all the fan fiction land! "LOOOOUUUD FAAAARRTT NNNNOOOOIIISSEEE!" all of the ponies in there looked in disgust (except for the colts 'cus let's face it what male doesn't enjoy a good fart noise? Some of them even laughed! Including Spike and some of the royal guards including Shining Armor who was sitting next to his wife and Flash Sentry who was sitting next to Twilight), Right then the music started playing, but surprise, surprise! It wasn't the music that was supposed to play it was well known music called Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks, but with an Equestrian Twist. "Can you fix that?" asked the Princess of the sun to the pony in charge of the music "I'm trying but the computer doesn't respond!" said this, the Phyllis started singing:

Bitches ain't shit, bitches ain't shit
Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks
Lick on these nuts and suck the dick
Lets get the fuck out after you're done
And I hops in my ride to make a quick run...
I used to know a bitch named Rainbow Dash
We used to roll around and fuck the hoes in a flash Tighter than a mutharfuckin' gangsta bail
And we was ballin' on the muthafuckin' Cloudsdale

Peep that shit, got deep and it was on
Number one song after number one song
Long as my muthafuckin' pockets was fat
I didn't give a fuck where the bitch was at
But she was hangin' with a white bitch doin' the shit she do
Suckin' on his dick just to get a buck or two
And the ends that she got meant nothin'
Now she's suing cuz the shit she be doin' ain't shit

Bitches can't hang with the streets
She found herself short
Now she's takin' me to court
That's some real conversation for your ass

I once had a bitch named Rarity
Used to be up in them guts with everything
The pussy was the bomb, had a nigga on sprung
I was in love like a muthafucka lickin' the protung
The homies used to tell me that she wasn't no good
But I'm the maniac in black, Ms. Scoot Eastwood
So I figure niggas wouldn't trip with mine
Guess what? Got gaffled by one time

I'm back in the muthafuckin' county jail
Six months on my chest, now it's time to bail
I get's released on a hot sunny day
My nigga Scooty L. and my homey Ms. Belle
Scooped in a coupe, Bloom we got the news
Your brother was trickin' while you was draped in your county blues
I ain't been out a second
Now I already gotta do
Some muthafuckin chin checkin

Move up the block as we groove down the block
See my own house, Scoot, pass the glock
Kick in the door, I look on the floor
It's my little cousin Babs and he's fuckin' my Bro
I uncocked my shit...
I'm heart-broke but I'm still locked
Man, fuck that bitch!
...3,...4,...

Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks
Lick on these nuts and suck the dick
Gets the fuck out after you're done
And I hops in my ride to make a quick run...
I used to know a bitch named Apple Jack
We used to roll around and fuck the hoes in the crack
Tighter than a mutharfuckin' gangsta thrill
And we was ballin' on the muthafuckin' Ponnyville

Peep that shit got deep and it was on
Number one song after number one song
Long as my muthafuckin' pockets was fat
I didn't give a fuck where the bitch was at
But she was hangin' with a white bitch doin' the shit she do
Suckin' on his dick just to get a buck or two
And the ends that she got meant nothin'
Now she's suing cuz the shit she be doin' ain't shit

Bitches can't hang with the streets
She found herself short
So now she's takin' me to court
That's some real conversation for your ass
Bitches can't hang with the streets
Bitches can't hang with the streets
Bitches can't hang with the streets
Bitches can't hang with the streets

As the song was finished, Princess Celestia stood up and shouted "WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS TRAVESSTY!?" as she said this the boss yelled: "Right here bitch!" as he then said this he grabbed his gun and aimed it at her, "GUARDS SEIZE HIM!" said this a large group of guards surrounded the boss and pointed their spheres and swords at him, "Your under arrest for conspiracy against the country of Equestria!" said the princess, "Oh really you and what army!?" said this the entire group of guards turned around and aimed the weapons at her, "WHAT? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!" said Princess Cadence. "Fuck you! You stupid bitch!" (Now this was the part that everybody was waiting for!) as everybody turned to see who said this they were surprised to see that the pony who said this was seating on the spot where princess Luna was seating but she was in her Nightmare Moon form, she then stood up and shoot a big ass beam from her horn and hit the Crystal princess in her face, "What? Luna how could you?" said her sister with a heart broken voice, "Why wouldn't I? You stupid piece of shit always treat me like I'm a step on your way to total monarchy! Well I say to you nay!" right then it started raining Chocolate milk, "NO IT CAN'T BE!" said Twilight as she saw that indeed it was what she thought, "HA, HA, HA, HA, I'm free, I'm fucking free." Said Discord as the chocolate rain turned in to fire, then everypony started to run and cry, and even the elements of harmony were afraid, "What will we do!" Twilight said as she started to run towards the Princess of the Sun, right there the boss grabbed a rifle and shoot the new alicorn princess on her hooves, she then fell on the floor with agonizing pain as the boss transformed back to his human form and grabbed a sword and placed it on her neck. He then looked at Celestia and said "You better surrender bitch or the lame copy of Stocking gets it!" "Ok I surrender!" "What? Princess we can take 'em" said Rainbow Dash as she started to dash at the boss "Oh no you don't bitch!" said Johnny as he then shoot a few shots at the rainbow colored pony who received all of the shots in her back "AHHHHHHH!" she yelled as she fell on the floor leaving a trail of dirt and blood behind her "OH CRUD!" she yelled as she found herself wounded, then Johnny aimed his gun at the wounded Pegasus head and was ready to end her, "Hey boss should I put the bitch out of her misery?" "Gee I don't know should you? Huh Twilight? Should He?" he said as he grinded his sword against the princess neck cutting her slightly in the process, "No please! We surrender!" she said as she was crying from the pain and resentment, "Good!" He then picked his walkie talkie and said "Tirek it your time to shine!" "With pleasure my friend!" said the big red monster as he showed up and started sucking all of the remaining resistance and civilian's magic, "Right as we practice huh?" said the boss as he let go of the Princess as Tirek sucked all of hers and the other two princesses magic, "Ahh yes even more tastier the second time around!" said Tirek as he finished sucking all of the magic around. "Guards take them away!" said the boss as he stood up and aimed at the cameras with his gun and shot them.