Yuri: Wow…can't believe it's been three years since I last updated. I don't think there is anything in the English language that can adequately describe that kind of laziness.

As a way of explanation, my home computer literally blew up two years ago. I got a laptop, but never got around to transferring all my files over…until just recently, when I got bored.

Anyway, I went back and revised every chapter. The spelling and grammar has vastly improved (I hope), and I edited and added some gags.

A huge thank you to all those who reviewed over the last three years and, without further ado, I give you the chapter three years in the making: Chapter Eight.

Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Yu-Gi-Oh or any of its characters. Plus, parodies are protected under some act or law…so suck on it!


Chapter Eight

The day following the death of Solomon Mouto, Yugi stood before the remains the Kame Game shop when Yami strolled into view, clothes askew, smoking a cigarette and looking satisfied in every way.

"Yugi, there you are!" He exclaimed, throwing his cigarette. "Me and the entire gang just had the best orgy. We all decided to get together and have sex, then laugh at you for missing out."

"That's nice, Yami," Yugi replied absentmindedly. "You haven't seen my grandfather have you? He hasn't been around lately, and usually he leaves convenient, yet vague notes whenever he leaves to Egypt, or the hospital…or Vegas."

"Yugi, your grandfather died."

"What?!" Yugi shouted incredulously.

"Yeah, he died yesterday in the game shop explosion, remember? It was the same day I bought you an ice-cream," Yami replied.

"Oh yeah," Yugi mumbled, fondly recalling said events. "That was a fun day."

Picking through the charred remains of his former home, it occurred to Yugi that he was now homeless.

"Don't suppose my grandfather left me any money?" He asked, turning to Yami.

"Yeah, but I blew it all on hookers," Yami replied. "…sorry."

"Oh well," Yugi sighed. "I was probably on the verge of being put in a foster home anyway. Child Welfare were investigating after Grandpa kept taking trips and leaving me, a minor, home by myself."

Just then, Jou walked onto the scene.

"Hi guys!" He called.

"Hey, Jou," Yugi called back. "Are you here to return all the Duel Monsters cards I lent you?"

"Nah, I sold them for crack," Jou replied. "Anyway, I'm just here to announce that I will spending the next week at Kaiba's mansion, seeing as we got paired together on school assignment in which we invade one another's privacy, tear down our psyches and generally the defile the sanctity of personal space."

"Is that kind of school project ethical?" Yami asked. "Or even legal for that matter?"

"Yeah, and apart from being richer for the experience, the project holds no educational value whatsoever," Yugi pointed out. "A week with Seto Kaiba, imagine what that will be like," he added as an afterthought.

Pausing for a moment, Jou tilted his head thoughtfully.


"So now that I've revealed to you my devastating past, thus explaining my lack of humanity, do you want to have sex?" Kaiba asked, sitting with Jou on the couch in his mansion.

Jou stared back at him with wide eyes.

"Oh God no," he replied in apparent disgust. "No, no, noooooooooo."


"Hmm, gross," Jou muttered, breaking from his daydream. "Anyway, it's not like the school can force me to live at another student's house, right?"

BANG!

Suddenly, the teacher from chapter one appeared, wielding a sawn-off shotgun.

"You will complete this assignment, Mr Jounouichi!" She shouted angrily, making Jou cower in fear. "A lot of time and effort went into the careful planning of this assignment."


Three hours prior…

While smoking crack, the teacher pulled out her student roll and pointed to two random names.

"Seto Kaiba and Jounouchi Katsuya…" She read, writing the names down. "Alright, finished. We've got an assignment."


"If you complete the assignment, then I'll shoot you. If you survive that…then I'll just give you an F."

"Holy shit!" Jou exclaimed, running away with the teacher following and still taking shots at him.

"That was weird," Yugi muttered, watching Jou and the teacher disappeared into the distance.

"I'm sexually frustrated," Yami said offhandedly.

"Awesome…"


On the other side of town, Ryou was enjoying a copy of Hustler when Bakura walked in the front door.

"WTF?!" Ryou exclaimed, quickly removing his hand from his pants. "How the hell did you get out of prison?"

Bakura just shrugged.

"I don't know," he replied nonchalantly. "It was never really explained. Then again, my returning, as well as having a physical form, seldom is explained."

"And you think just because you're my darker half, that somehow gives you the right to live with me?"

"But Ryou," Bakura protested. "Haven't I been like a brother to you? Possessing your body and mind, beating you around a bit, and occasionally raping you."

"Oh, Bakura! I love you!" Ryou exclaimed dramatically, watching as Bakura's face lit up.

"Really?!"

"No! Get the fuck out of my house!" Ryou demanded, angrily pointing to the door.

"But-"

"Do you like hospital food or something? I said fuck off!"

Sulking, Bakura had no choice, but to comply. What with the multiple restraining orders and all. Standing on the street, alone and homeless, Bakura realised he needed to come up with a new plan.

Crossing his arms, Bakura fell into deep thought…


"Look at me I'm a vampire!" Bakura exclaimed, baring his fangs. "Jesus ain't got shit on me!"

Now joined by his fellow vampires, Seto and Yami, the trio leapt onto a nearby roof to watch their current prey…yeah, apparently gravity was having a day off.

"He's perfect," Yami said, watching an oblivious Yugi walk past below. "I'll make him mine, ruining his innocence and naivety, then proceed to spend the rest of the story pissing and moaning about what I've done."

"Good work," Bakura said, briefly watching his victim, Ryou, before turning to Seto, who was watching Jou. "Why are you here again? I thought you already had some action?"

"Yeah, but Child Welfare didn't take too kindly my incestuous relationship with Mokuba," Seto replied. "Now I only do underage boys who aren't related to me…my God, I really do have problems, don't I?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Bakura replied, Yami nodding his agreement.


Snapping from his daydream, Bakura grinned slyly to himself.

"Yeah, and all that stuff. Let's make that happen," he murmured to no one in particular.

As Bakura continued his train of thought, Malik came along.

"S'up homie," he greeted. "Trying to repent your evil ways again?"

"Nah, I gave up on that and made peace with the fact I'm evil, but sexy," Bakura replied. "My fan girl count increased tenfold."

"Good work."

"Yeah, now I just need a place to live," Bakura said offhandedly. "Perhaps I should ask the others how they earn money, what with a complete lack of parents and/or job. I mean seriously, when was the last time Kaiba went to work?"

"You could ask Anzu for help," Malik suggested. "She's always banging on about second chances."

"Nah, she's now secretly working as dancer/stripper in New York."


"Take it off! Take it off! Take if off!" Guys chanted, surrounding the stage and waving twenty dollar notes.

In one swift motion, Anzu ripped off her dress.

All: O.o

"…put it back! Put it back! Put it back!"


"I see," Malik said thoughtfully. "Where did you say she worked again?"

"Hooters," Bakura replied. "You know what? Fuck this. I'm just going to join a band."

Five minutes later, Bakura had a number one hit record and multimillion dollar music contract.

Because let's face it. Bakura is smexy, and smexy sells.


Yuri: At last, Chapter Eight is completed. I feel like their should be a choir of angels singing alleluia or something. Yeah, so this chapter is not as smooth flowing as my previous, mostly because I was trying a looser, more random style, similar to Family Guy. Not sure if I'll continue with it though. Oh, and as always, I'd love to hear more of your ideas. They're a big help.