There was a noise. A really annoying noise… It was his phone.
He jumped with the realisation. He was on the floor of the living room. Why? Oh. He remembered why. His phone was still ringing.
"'Ello?"
"Ste where are you? You're meant to be opening up." Tony. He'd slept straight through his alarm.
"Shit. Sorry. I slept in." He was meant to be working split shift. Morning, miss lunch then get back for dinner.
"Ummm." Tony didn't believe him. He wondered what was giving him away. "I've opened up and I'll cover but you'll have to work my lunch shift."
"Yeah. Er thanks. I'll be in soon."
"You owe me a morning off."
"Yeah. Thanks. I'll be in soon." He cut the call off. He groaned and leant back against the wall. He felt like shit, worse than shit. He tried to push himself up but a blinding pain took his breath away. He breathed through it and used the sofa to help keep his balance. He managed to get to shuffle to the kitchen. He retrived a box of pain killers from the top cupboard, he popped three from the casing and tried to dry swallow them but he mouth was too dry and he had to get a cup of water.
He groaned to himself. He was such a wreck.
He managed to get to the bathroom. He undressed and started the shower. He needed a hot shower to relieve the pain but he needed a cold one to wake him up. He couldn't take the punishment and turned the dial up.
It hurt just stepping into the bath. He leant forward and let the spray hit his back. A flash of the previous night passed through his mind and suddenly he felt dirty, filthy. He grabbed the shower gel and scrubbed. Scubbed until he started to bleed. He look down at the blood. He still felt dirty. Why couldn't he just… He punched the wall. Tears burned in his eyes. He punched the wall again and he slipped smashing into the bottom of the tub.
He lay on the bottom of the tub with the water turning freezing cold.
"After today we get our happy ending." He remembered saying those words. Well it was some happy ending.
His phone started ringing again. He managed to get himself up and turn off the shower. The phone was silent by the time he got to it.
"1 missed call – Nosh." Tony again.
He needed longer. His right hand wouldn't co-operate without the pain being too much so he fiddled with his left until he could make the call.
"Hey Tony I'm sorry I'll be there in an hour." He put the phone down before anyone could speak.
He needed… He pressed the speed dial.
"Laura Ellington please it's Ste Hay." The receptionist put him straight through.
"Laura, I…" His breath hitched.
"Where are you?" She always knew when he was in trouble.
"The flat."
"10 minutes." She stated then put the phone down.
He had to get dressed. There was no way he could let Laura see him naked, she had already seen him at his most emotionally vulnerable he didn't want her to see him naked as well.
He pulled out some jogging bottoms and manoeuvred them on, it was hard with only one hand. He pulled a tee-shirt on just as there was a knock at the door.
"Come in." He called from the sofa.
She walked straight into the living room, took a look at him and cursed.
"Good night?" She was fuming, he could tell but professionalism was winning out.
He held up his hand and she walked forward. He hissed and tried to withdraw even though she was gentle with his hand. She managed to get him to open it out. She was very gentle as she examined his fingers but it hurt so bad that his eyes teared up.
"Bruised I think since you aren't writhing in agony when I move the joints but it'll need a x-ray. The bloods from a split knuckle." She was talking to herself more than to him. "First aid kit?"
"Top cupboard closet to the oven." He wiped his eyes with his forearm.
She opened the kit and put it on the coffee table. She went back to the kitchen and retrieved some water mixed with TCP he could smell it.
"This is going to sting." She stated before starting to clean the blood away. He hissed despite himself. She went to the fridge and pulled some ice out of the top draw wrapping it in a cloth and handed it over.
"You'll need a trip to an actual doctor." She stated when she had finished. She took the first aid and put it away. "Do you want to tell me?"
"I went on a bender."
"I can see that. Any reason why?"
He told her of Jamie's rejection. About Darren. About losing it. About going to the club. He left out about the bloke and the drugs.
"I just wanted to be wanted." He stated. His hand was numbing. He liked that feeling. It was better than anything else. He wished he could do that to every part of him. Just lie under ice and let it numb all his pain.
"Are you working today?"
"Yeah meant've opened up so I'm working through to make up for it."
"Tomorrow?"
"Might be opening depends when Tony wants to trade."
"As soon as you know give me a call. I want you to come into the office for a session."
"Isn't this a session?"
"No this is me patching you up. A session is when you've got time to talk and you're not on the come down."
"I'm not." He wondered how she knew about the drugs.
"Don't lie."
"Alright. I'll call when I know."
"If you get a chance go to A and E and get an x-ray. I'll be waiting for your call." She walked back out leaving him alone.
He looked around the flat. It was still so lonely. He thought that he would get used to it but it never happened. He was used to noise, grown up his entire life with noise whether it was his mothers drunk ranting or Terry's blaring anger. Then the kids and Amy. Justin and Dom. The kids. Amy. Brendan. It felt too big even though it was tiny.
He sighed and dragged himself to his feet. He had to get to work.
He was surprised when Tony didn't give him a dressing down, he just looked at him and said nothing. It was far worse.
Once he was in the kitchen he worked on autopilot. It switched himself off and just went through the motions. Until Tony came into the kitchen.
"Go home Ste." He stated. "Come back tomorrow, no point in being here if your hearts not in it."
He didn't even argue, just picked up his coat and headed out into the blustery wild and drizzle. He walked. He didn't have anywhere to go so he just walked and walked. He didn't register the pain anymore. He found himself in the playground. There weren't any kids about the weather was to bleak. He sat on the bench and let the world roll by.
"Thought that was you. What you doing out here?" Darren asked. He had Oscar in a pram with a plastic cover.
"Nothing." Ste replied defeated.
"You alright?" He didn't answer. "Look mate I know I've been giving you a hard time."
"Don't worry about it." It was his own fault. He deserved it.
"You shouldn't sit out here too long you'll get pneumonia." He shrugged. "Come on."
"I'm alright thanks." Darren shouldn't be offering him help not when he had hid kid to look after.
"Ste don't make things so difficult for yourself. Come on I'll take you home." He didn't want to go back there to silence and memories.
"You better go, don't want him catching cold." He nodded to the pram.
"Yeah well… Take care of yourself." Darren walked away.
He watched the rain fall. It was nice, the hum from the road, the sound of the rain.
He shifted his weight as his back protested. He shook his head. What was he doing?
He snorted to himself. He was self-destructing all over again. He couldn't blame anyone this time. There was no one to blame. He had fought so hard to get back on an even keel, to get himself back something, a life. And he was chucking it all over again. He didn't even know why. He had excuses but they didn't work anymore. He wasn't responsible for his past but he was responsible for his life. He had control now.
He was in control of his life and the decisions he made. He was responsible for his actions, no one else. No excuses. He had to get his head straight once and for all.
