[Here it is the eig...7ath and last chapter.]
The Doctor and Rincewind ran up behind Ponder just a few moments after he saw the BARDIS dematerialise,giving the wizard the shock of his life.
"Sorry about that Ponder,"said the Doctor cheerfully, "Just had some wibbly wobbly timey wimey business to take care of,I've got a plan but you're not going to like it."
"Mmm?"ventured Ponder.
The Doctor composed himself and then began to explain, "We have to feed this rift something with a complicated space timeline to give it indigestion,the interdimensional tunnel will be so mangled it'll be impossible for anything to come through with all their atoms still attached."
"And what would you suggest doctor?" Ponder asked,he had a feeling he knew already what the Doctor would suggest.
"The BARDIS,"he replied, "With all the hundreds of paradoxical journalises me and Rincey here have been on it should be perfect."
"I see Doctor,"was a very dejected Ponder's reply, "and do you realise that to build that thing it took the HEM department's entire funding for centuries? all ten dollars of it!"
The doctor thought for a moment and then grinned, "That shouldn't be a problem,"he beamed,"Rincewind,toss me your sonic tool!"
Rincewind fumbled in his pockets and then chucked the Doctor the noise emitting tube of infinite uses. It had evolved much from the simple silver tube that it had started out as at the beginning of their travels,it now had all sorts of pipes and tubes protruding off it increasing its range of functions,there were fans of steel that spun for no reason at all. Much of its functionality had been improved on by Bloody Stupid Johnson himself when they had met him,although he had only seen it as a mouth organ capable of making animal noises.
The Doctor held it up and waved it around while it whirred away,his own screwdriver was still in his pocket but this required Discworld tech. He stopped waving it and watched as a huge sack of gold came dragging itself over the ground,swearing under its breath, A little blue figure emerged from underneath it which Rincewind recognised as Eddy the fault locator. He gave Rincewind a friendly salute then ran off bringing back another sack.
"We picked up a lot of things on our travels,"explained the Doctor, "On the counterweight continent we liberated a few sacks of gold. That's your funding problem sorted out. Just don't go building too many BARDISes,"as he finished speaking these words Eddy the fault locator finished bringing out the last of the sacks,it made an impressive pile.
Eddy cleared his throat and said as if he was reading it, "By being removed from the device I was installed in you have voided my warranty so I have no choice but to withdraw my services. I hope you have enjoyed using the Eddy™ fault location system. " With that he vanished and retired to the beaches of Ephebe where he worked as a picture box operator in his spare time.
"Right then that breach needs seeing to,"declared the doctor,pressing another button on the sonic tool. The BARDIS floated down corridors at a steady pace a few inches from the ground and touched down right in front of the doctor. Another button on the tool made the doors swing open. He pushed through them and found himself in the wood panelled console room which had been his home now for many travels,he wondered if he would sacrifice his own TARDIS to prevent the destruction of a world as he slammed down controls he was now an expert with. The crystal column rose and fell as outside the internal broomsticks pulled the craft high off the ground,the Doctor pulled another button and it slid through the air until it was hovering just above the rift. It was still surrounded by chanting wizards who were getting bored and waiting till they could go to lunch,like students throughout the multiverse.
The Doctor twisted a dial which was something like an oven timer and then swung the doors open,he made confidently for them with the dial ticktocking violently away. With an impressive dive the Doctor leapt from the door and landed on the grass. He got up and looked around just in time to see the countdown finish,all power dropped from the BARDIS. Gravity took hold and the box disappeared into the void like,well,like a temporal anomaly eating an Ankh Morpork City Watch box.
The rip got smaller and smaller until it was just an ugly hole in the lawn surrounded by ripped up chunks of grass.
"Modo's not going to like this,"muttered Rincewind.
Their job done,the students dispersed. The Doctor strode onto the spot where the rip had been just to demonstrate that it was really gone,Rincewind sidled up behind him and said, "Right then now that that's out of the way all we need to do it get you home."
"I'd completely forgotten about how I was going to get back,how are you going to manage that?"asked the doctor.
Rincewind smiled as he grabbed the Doctor by the hand and led him away...
...The Doctor was manhandled,(or timelordhandled,depending on whether the term manhandle applies to the one who is doing the manhandling or the one being man (or as the case may be time lord) handled)into the sprawling library of the the university. He was now familiar with much of its layout having navigated through all of time and space by its corridors, Rincewind brought him before the ancient carved wooden front desk and knocked on it for attention. The librarian hopped out of his little nest under it and onto the table,he ooked attentively.
"Take the Doctor back to where we found him,Librarian,"explained Rincewind, "He has saved us all,its been a nice break for me."
"Oook!"affirmed the librarian and gestured to the Doctor to follow him.
He was led through sprawling corridors piled to the ceiling with books that writhed and flashed under the chains that held them in place. At one point the Librarian noticed a book that had been wrongly shelved,tutting he paused to put it in its proper place then continued to lead the Doctor through the library which was becoming more magical and distorted the deeper they went. They turned a corner and the Doctor suddenly realised that they were walking down a corridor familiar to him,it was the science section of the biggest library in his own universe,it only took up a whole planet and a couple of space stations so it was not nearly as big as the unseen university's library.
Noticing a particularly dark patch of shadows the librarian pinched the darkness and placed it in his mouth as if he was picking fleas off a fellow orang-utan,the little mites in the shadows,whatever they were, he found in satisfaction he turned into another wing with the Doctor following behind. Turning a corner the Doctor realised that without any kind of teleportation,simply by walking into another room,they had arrived in the library of his trusty old TARDIS. Turning around he realised that where they had entered was now just a shelf of books,interestingly the shelf just happened to contain the complete works of Terry Pratchett. Ooking a last goodbye the librarian turned and vanished back into the bookshelf. The Doctor stood a moment then walked back to the console room,the hum of the engines telling him he was home,he slammed down a control and was off into time and space once more...
...Death,for want of a better word,awoke. Not five minutes ago he had popped into existence to find the disc completely desolated,he had had a good chat with his old friends the Doctor and Rincewind,then popped out of existence again. Now he was standing in the thriving city of Ankh morpork,centuries after the Doctor had left. A glorious sun was in the sky and people were going about their everyday business,beggars begged, theives thove and people busied themselves making money with whatever marvellous technology was in vogue this week but would be gone by next week.
He looked over at the campus of the unseen university,they were launching a few more spaceships to the colonies on the moon and on A'tuin's shell. Death grinned,he didn't have much choice.
BACK TO WORK I THINK
he said to himself,walking away to attend the day's clients.
THE END
