Collin and Brady's antics know no bounds. Really they don't.
It all started this morning. I was sitting out on the porch with Collin talking about his most recent girl-crisis. See, he was under the impression that I'm some sort of ladies man. But of course I wasn't about to burst his bubble so I just went with it and pretended to know what I was talking about.
"And now she won't talk to me. What do I bloody do Seth?" Yeah, Collin did just say 'bloody'. His parents had a problem with his constant use of the f-word, so they insisted on a substitution. However, in his defense, hearing a 13 year old Native American kid use British slang is sort of entertaining. Okay, okay, maybe that isn't a point in his defense, but it's still true.
"You honestly smashed her whole diorama right before it was due?" He nods solemnly. "Then you should take responsibility for your actions. Tell the teacher that it was an accident and wasn't Kari's fault. He'll understand." That was… somewhat insightful. Maybe I know more about girls than I thought. Probably not though.
I noticed Brady was no where to be found. Just a few minutes ago he had been chasing cars after he'd seen dogs doing it and thought it might be fun. "Brady!" I yelled. Where was that kid now? "Brady!"
Suddenly I heard a scream. I'd recognize that girly screech anywhere. I was up in a flash with Collin close by. I turned at the street corner, expecting to see Brady in a bloody mass on the ground. Instead he was kneeling in the middle of the road and generally being an idiot. I thought he might be injured so I ran over to him and grabbed his shoulders demanding to know if he was okay.
"It's Lizzie!" He sounded near tears, but he was unscathed and I didn't see any 'Lizzie' in the vicinity. In fact I was just about to launch into a full-scale rant on the dangers of chasing cars and standing in the middle of a road when he pointed to something on the pavement. "Lizzie! She…or he…it's dead!"
I glanced down to where he had pointed. "Brady…that's a bloody lizard." No really. It's a bloody lizard.
"I know!" He hugged me and began crying about this 'Lizzie' person again. Who the heck was Lizzie? And then it hit me: he's in hysterics over the lizard!
"What's going on?" Collin asked from the sidewalk. "Should I call an ambulance or what?"
"No. Just a funeral parlor for lizards."
I stood, not bothering to pry Brady off of me. He let me go and asked through his tears, "R-really? We can h-have a f-f-funeral for i-it?" Collin came over to us and gasped when he laid eyes on the flattened lizard. Apparently they had adopted Lizzie as a pet a few hours ago. Why do they have to have live pets? What ever happened to pet rocks?
"No!"
"Please Seth?" Collin and Brady begged. I don't know…Heck, why not? It could be fun. I gave them the okay and they high-fived each other with a 'YES!' I scraped the body off the cement, but it still had some pebbles embedded in in its skin so I had to pick those off as well. It was pretty gross.
"Okay. Where do we burry him?"
"Your bloody backyard." Thank you Collin…
"Fine." I didn't get two steps before Collin yanked on my shirt sleeve. He held out a piece of paper. Apparently I couldn't just carry the darn thing, we had to put it in a 'coffin'. I folded the paper around Lizzie in a retarded-cube sort of way. Shut up.
I began walking towards by yard, but they stopped me almost immediately. "What are you doing Seth?"
"Uh, walking?"
"No no no. Like this." A funeral march. We're going so slow a car could be coming from Mexico at less than 2 miles per hour and we still wouldn't be able to get out of the way in time. Oh well. Step left, pause, step right, pause. Step left, pause, step right, try not to trip over your own feet.
This may surprise you but I am actually a bit of a Little House on the Prairie fan. Don't tell my sister; she'd never let me live it down. Anyway, the point is, I know most of the words of their most famous church song. And what's a funeral without a good church song right? So I started singing. "Bringing in the sheaves! Bringing in the sheaves! We will come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves!" I still don't know what a 'sheave' is. It sounds like a French swear word. Speaking of which, when French people swear do they say like 'pardon my German' or what? Oh the questions that plague me!
I hesitated before starting in on a refrain. Remebmer how I said I know most of the words? Apparently I know all the words, and that was it. Collin and Brady gave me a weirded-out look, but joined in halfway through the second verse. Ha, closet LHONP fans! "Bringing in the sheaves! Bringing in the sheaves! We will come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves!"
"Hey guys." Q&A shouted, coming over. Of course they asked what we were doing walking down the road singing carrying a paper towel dripping with blood.
"Having a funeral for a lizard." The three of us answered.
They exchanged glances.
"I'm in!"
"Ditto!"
So they fell in step behind Collin and Brady in our funeral march. The only problem was that they were clearly not LHONP watchers. It took them three refrains to be able to keep up with the song, and even then they couldn't figure out what we were saying so they just kept shouting 'bringing in the sheets!' over and over, totally off-key.
They were loud enough to make some of the neighbors open their doors and curse at us in English, Spanish, and Pig-Latin. I know. I'd never been cursed at in Pig-Latin either. Sam, from a few doors down, heard the commotion (though how he'd gone so long ignoring it is beyond me) and came out to investigate.
"You all have gone nuts haven't you?" he demanded.
Embry stopped his drowning-cat screeching long enough to tell him, "You can't go somewhere you already are, right Seth?"
"Shut your bloody mouth, Embry," Collin interjected. I had to turn away to hide my snickers.
Sam just dead-panned and muttered something like 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em,' before trailing the procession and taking up the chant.
Eventually we made it to my backyard after picking up Jake and Paul and having Leah begin inconspicuously following from a few feet away. I set down the bundle and realized we didn't have a shovel.
"We'll just find a place and dig with our hands." Quil suggested. Gosh, what was with him and these ideas lately? First the suggestion to hide damages to the trellis and now this. What is the world coming to?
So I found a sandy plot and began digging…then I discovered- quite painfully- that I was digging in the middle of an fire-ant hill. "AAAHHH! Get'emoffget'emoffget'emoff!" So Brady grabbed the garden hose and sprayed me everywhere except my hands and arms where the ants were biting.
After a good fifteen minutes all the thousands of ants were either smashed, sprayed off or had just gotten bored and jumped. Quil, Collin and Jake had found a decent plot in the meantime and dug a lizard-sized hole using a spoon from the kitchen. Then Embry who, in case you haven't noticed, loves to hear himself talk, gave a eulogy. Something like "We are gathered here today to not to mourn a death, but to celebrate the life of Iggy-"
"Lizzie."
"Whatever. Because he…she…it… would want to be remembered not in the cold clutches of death, but in the warmth of life! Can I get an Amen?"
"Amen!"
"Shut up Quil. And Embry, get over yourself." Jake said.
I didn't get to hear the rest because I was in so much pain I had to go inside and beg mom to overlook my stupidity and help. My hands were on fire from the stings and Leah practically had to drag me in the house, saying, "Stop complaining Seth. Its not that bad." Easy for her to say! Her hands aren't three times their normal size and feeling like they're about to crumble to ashes.
With all that pain you must be wondering how exactly I can write all this. Thing is, I'd tell you…but then I'd have to kill you.
See ya,
Seth ;/
oOo
Sooo sorry for the long wait but I just got back from vacation about five mnutes ago from somewhere where there was no internet. Actually, now that I think about it, I probably should have mentioned that before leaving you guys to think that I'd given up on this story (like that would ever happen!). So again, mucho apologies!
And also, the next chapter is not going to be narrorated by Seth *collective gasp of horror.* This next part just couldn't be done by him...well, I guess it could, but it wouldn't make much sense. Yeah, so while you read the review responses I'm gonna go hide from the angry mob outside the window with pitchforks, mmkay?
To darkknightprincess222: Go fish is probably the most epic card game ever, just saying. Except for maybe...nope. Nevermind. It's the most epic. Glad you liked the chapter!
To .Wannabe-Fantasy.: Nah, that didn't sound too wrong. Unless you try to think about it like that. *gets horrible mental image* AHH! It BURNS!
To Thefluffypuff: Thank you! Seth and the other wolves are just so much fun to write. By the way, freakin' awesome pen name! ;D
To Brg3: Lol! But don't worry, insanity is catching so your family will get it eventually! (just kidding!) And yeah, he really does need to learn to use some common sense more often.
Love,
earth warrior
