Chappie 8: Drunken fobbits, dark strangers, and uncouth rubber plants

Disclaimer: Own LOTR I do not. The characters belong to me not. Very insane I am. Hmmm.

Thanx for the koolies reviews! This story is still getting madder, by the way.

"This is the life!" said Jam, helping herself to the mini bar.

"Yeah, yeah," said Clodo, who was still a bit mad about being put to sleep.

"Hey!" said Ferry, bouncing on the bed, and then hitting her head on the ceiling, "Let's go downstairs and hit the bar! We might see Kandalf. She said she'd meet us here."

"Cool," said Alippin, reading the room service menu.

"I dunno," said Clodo, "I mean, I'm still tired.." - she glowered at Jam - "and we should keep a low profile."

"It's 'all expenses paid'" pointed out Ferry, rubbing her head.

"Cool!" said Alippin.

"Oh, all right," muttered Clodo. They headed down the stairs to the classy restaurant, and saw that it had changed into a redneck bar, where a brawl had just erupted. Clodo fought her way to the front.

"What's happened?" yelled Clodo, ducking a flying bar stool.

"We target the masses," yelled the bartender, "During the day it's nice people who want lunch who come here. At night it's sad alcoholics, drinking their money, then coming here to drown their sorrows because they have no money because they're drinking it here to drown their sorrows because they have no money because they're drinking it here to drown their sorrows because they have no money because their drinking it hereuuuurrk." With that he slumped to the ground because Jam had used a sleeper hold on him. Jam vaulted over the bar.

"What's it to be, ladies?" asked Jam.

"Four Urka - Colas, please!" said Ferry.

"How do you want them?" asked Jam.

"Cool," said Alippin.

"Good choice," said Clodo.

Jam got their drinks and jumped back over the bar. They went and sat down at a table (first of all, Jam sleeper-holding a guy already sitting there.) They looked around the bar. It was a traditional fobbit bar, apart from a few oddities.

Jam was very fond of plants, and was fascinated by a rubber plant in the corner which seemed to have feet, and swore loudly when someone bumped into it, and accepted pork scratchings. Also, it seemed to be closer to their table every time she glanced at it. She supposed it was from Berkwood, or maybe Fondue.

"This is great!" she said.

"Yeah!" said Ferry.

"Cool!" said Alippin.

Clodo however felt uneasy. Kandalf was supposed to be here, but there was no sign of her - or her kangaroo. She gazed around the bar. There was one person who was not joining in the free-for-all that had just begun (she could see Jam, Ferry, Alippin and the rubber plant diving into the fray) and was staring right at her.

"My goodness," she said, "that person is staring right at me!" He was dressed all in black Versace, and looked as if he hadn't even heard of shampoo, let alone rinse-and-repeated in the last month. But somehow, he managed to keep his stubble to a controlled level. She asked a passing drunk who he was.

"I dunno," he said. "He just pops in for peanuts now and then. Very strange man. Nobody knows who he is; there are no clues to his identity except for the crest of Fondue on his shield and his birthmark in the shape of the Crown of Izzybore on his arm. But round here, he's known as Waddler."

Clodo glanced uneasily at Waddler. The stranger very threateningly waved at her with a big grin on his face, his eyes glittering with enthusiasm. Clodo screamed and ran. As she ran to her room, she saw Jam, Ferry and Alippin be knocked out. She was torn. Should she save herself or her friends? She ran to her room, bolting the door.