I am heavy, I feel frail
The third day of Jimmy's stupid bargain. Thomas snapped at hallboys and received a telling-off from Mr Carson for his attitude. "I do my duties, Mr Carson, and more so," he replied evenly. "I'm not obliged to enjoy it into the bargain."
Jimmy looked weary. Distant. Thomas needed him to eat.
When they sat down to lunch, Thomas stared down at his plate. He had no desire to eat. It all looked about as appetising as the plate it sat on; not disgusting, just fundamentally not-for-eating.
He glanced up at Jimmy, who was looking at him, then back at the peas. He took a forkful, transferred it to his mouth, and chewed listlessly, mourning the loss of that clean, unsullied feeling in his mouth.
He saw that Jimmy had taken a mouthful too, and smiled with relief.
Jimmy smiled back, small and lopsided.
Thomas let the conversation of the other staff fade into the background, playing with his food to make it look as though he was eating, wondering if he could drop any on the floor.
A few minutes later, Thomas looked up to see that Jimmy sat with his arms folded, leaning back on his chair and frowning at Thomas. His dinner looked untouched. Thomas took another forkful; so did Jimmy. Then he stopped, and so did Jimmy.
Rage boiled up inside Thomas in a second; he stood up, the blackness tunnelling his vision as he leaned over the table towards his friend and snarled, "Go to hell, Jimmy."
Ignoring the various gasps and noises of reproach around the table, he stormed out of the room and dragged himself upstairs, feeling as though he was leaving the anger behind as he climbed. He was unable to sustain the feeling, slipping instead into the usual greyness as he focused solely on getting himself to his room. It shouldn't be this hard, he was so unfit, he was so unfit and weak, no wonder Jimmy didn't love him when he was so fat.
Thomas choked on a breath, gasping as he finally reached the top landing, and paused at the top, holding tightly to the handrail to make up for his inability to balance.
Wouldn't it be easier if he was dead?
He was so tired. He should go for a walk. He should go for a walk but he was so tired and he would have to walk past Jimmy and Mrs Hughes. Maybe he could just lie down for a while. He could still go later.
