And now, it's time for a totally stupid short on…the dangers of binge eating. Uh, no, that was done in the first chapter. How about just a SSBM version of why you shouldn't take drugs? All right…

"Hey, I'm wasted. Let's go to the bar and grab some drinks before we keep partying!" Roy mumbled loudly to Link and Marth.

"Boo-yah, why didn't we think of that earlier?" Link muttered, dizzy from doing 360-degree spins on the dance-floor while trying to impress some princess. Aurora or Apple or something. Marth rolled his eyes, unimpressed at their antics.

The three headed over to the bar, where Mario sat, bartending with a wide range of drinks behind him.

"Hello'a, what canni do for you?" he greeted them, in a sarcastic Italian tone.

"Uh…we'll have…uh, three Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters." Roy said, pointing at a bottle of vodka.

"Hey'a Roy, are you on drugs? Do'ya know how much'a those things cost?"

"No buddy, give me the drinks." Roy snarled back, nearly falling off his chair.

Mario shrugged and poured some beer. As he did so, he reached from under the table, and tipped some powder into Roy's drink. The packet of powder read "WARNING: may induce consumer to try out some hilarious pick-up lines. Also can cause sneezing, chicken pox and deep vein thrombosis. May also cause consumer to believe that they are full of win."

Roy sank the beer in one gulp. Marth and Link stared at him, and ignored their own alcoholic drinks. Roy's liver promptly asploded, but this didn't really matter as he tried a pick-up line. Mario sniggered from behind the table as Roy staggered to Wario, drunk.

"That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed." Roy slurred, nearly falling over.

Wario punched him, and turned to Link and Marth, confused.

"He's rather drunk. I think Mario spiked his drink."

"Uh well, we should call a doctor then." Captain Falcon said as he arrived at the scene, looking at the unconscious Roy.

Roy's mind was partly conscious, and when he heard "mouth-to-mouth", he began to scream.

Roy woke up from his power nap in a cold sweat. Link and Marth, who were both eating nacho chips from their (tidied) food stash, stared at him.

"What?" they asked.

"I've decided to not take drugs when I get older…" he replied.

"You've told us that before."

"Shut up."

The Smashers started lazily again in the afternoon. After the Dance Dance Revolution contest, they hung around the arcade again until they got bored and stepped back into the mansion for lunch. Master Hand was nowhere to be seen, so they assumed his location: organising another event.

And he was. He had shuffled over to Looney Tunes Land, and was trying to convince the head of ACME Corporation to lend him some of his racing carts.

"NO U, FULE!" was the reply.

"Look, you bastard, I've got a tournament to organize here. What should I use instead of your carts, billycarts?" Master Hand said angrily, and was promptly struck down by a bunch of true-blue Australians.

"You buggering the old billycart, cobber?" asked one of them.

"Uh…no."

"Okay," the Australian shrugged, and the group vanished in thin air.

"So, uh, what were we talking about? Yes, what should I use for the tournament?" Master Hand asked.

"Get them from Nintendo. Or build your own, you're a goddamn giant hand, you've been represented in video games as a click-point-build sort of thing, haven't you?" the ACME head replied.

"You know I can't trust Nintendo with their karts! This is a god-damn real racing tournament, it isn't Mario Kart DS. You know what, I'll try Konami." Master Hand said, and he disappeared into thin air.

"Bastard…" muttered the ACME head before he talked to another character, who was trying to sell Michael Jordan's Space Jam jersey…

So Master Hand headed over to the world of Konami, to try and persuade the owner of the item shop to lend him some racing carts. The old man was sceptical at first, but eventually agreed and Master Hand finally got his wish. Now it was time for the Smashers to get racing.

The reaction this time wasn't so unexpected, but some Smashers were still annoyed, as the Mario characters had raced karts before, which supposedly gave them an advantage.

"I mean, we've played the games, but we haven't actually raced in those things before!" Wario mumbled.

"Sure, Wario, sure. Keep believing tha-AAGH." Popo smirked, until he was backhanded in the face by Wario.

"Yeah, well you'll be racing in different tracks, not just Mario Kart ones." Master Hand said.

"Like?"

"How about Beggar's Canyon?"

"Oh, ha-ha. No, seriously. What've you got?" Falco asked.

"Burnout tracks, Forza Motorsport, I fancy doing tracks from Rallisport Challenge…street races from GTA. Konami Krazy Racers, Rad Racer. Gran Turismo? You're going to do them all in your kart. If you piss me off, I'll add something obscure."

"WHAT?!" screamed the Smashers in unison.

"Relax, there's still weapon boxes. Stuff from Konami's racer and from Looney Tunes Racing as well. Lego Racers yeah, that's on too. Crash Nitro Kart. Actually, from that fat list, maybe just the more arcade-y and shorter races."

"You are total ah-soh." Ness muttered.

"Shut up or you get hit with one of each item. Trust me, it hurts aplenty."

The Smashers paused for a second, and Marth piped up:

"Hey Hand, how are we going to race? I mean twenty or so people are too much, it'll be just a demolition derby."

Master Hand smirked to himself and broke the news:

"In fact, that's exactly what we're going to do." he said.

"Huh?" yelped Ganondorf.

"Well, just the first part. I'll sort you into racing groups by organising a hilarious 24-player race at the Super Speedway of Juiced. I'll organise you into groups via position."

The group of Nintendo characters just stared at him, but Master Hand ignored their stares, flicked his fingers and behind them, a bunch of karts fell out of the sky. They were classic-looking video game karts; nothing special, nothing particularly unique.

"You tards want a guide to the weaponry?" Master Hand called.

A few of them nodded, and Master Hand brought up the screen that he had used during the Halo event. He went through the Mario Kart weapons first-he designated red items as offensive items; the triple and single shells, and thunder bolt. Blue was defensive: bananas, fake boxes, the boo. Yellow was for boosts, and Gold was for special items; the star, the spiked shell and golden mushroom.

Looney Tunes consisted of mainly offensive items in the cream pie, the boom, the rain cloud and the homing missile. Anvils were special items and the dust item was a boost. Konami Krazy Racers had offensive items in blue and red missiles and the electric batteries, and a crapload of defensive items. They included the invisible eye potion, the icicle crash, the hole driller and the timed bomb. The special items included the barrier which acted like a star and the Circe curse.

By this time, a few of the girls were looking rather sick at the painful weapons. Master Hand kept on ploughing on though, as he moved onto Crash.

"Yeah, well, we have a complication here. You see, there's a feature in Crash about Wumpa Fruits, which make your weapons uber if you collect enough of them. They'll be spread around the place, along with Lego blocks, which make Lego items better too. You guys are lucky that I'm screwing around."

"Hardly." Fox grumbled, biting his paws.

Master Hand talked about the offensive items and their "juiced-up" abilities; the homing missile, the rolling bowling ball that asploded at the driver's will, the tornado and the red-eye missile. Defensive items included the infamous TNT crate, the static orb, invisibility and the ice mine. The hand pulled out the big gun special items, showing the deshpicable clock, the invincibility mask, and the super engine, an overpowered boost. To boot, there was the same regular nitro boost as in other games.

By this time, several of the Smashers were green, sickened at the thought of being constantly barraged by a series of cartoon-violence-promotion items. Master Hand ended by explaining various weapons of Lego Racers, and talked about how weapons could be upgraded by picking up white blocks. The offensive items involving the cannonball, grapple hook, lightning wand and three homing missiles; the defensive shield and obstacle items and the uber-turbo, culminating with a warp turbo. For the hell of it, Master Hand also had the Lego Racers 2 rocket, which could carry racers for a time before it exploded and the massive brick earthquake, which hit everyone on the track with vicious authority.

While this was occurring, Ness had written a list, which the Smashers all happily accepted:

Offensive items: Red and green single and triple shells, thunderbolt, boom, rain cloud, triple blue missile and triple red (homing) missiles, electric batteries, rolling bowling ball, Crash Nitro Kart homing missile, the tornado, red-eyed missile, the red block Lego weapons, the Lego Racers 2 racer-riding rocket, the LEGO RACERS homing missile ("Fantastic originality there." Samus commented.)

Defensive items: Bananas, fake boxes, boo ghost, eye potion, icicle crash, hole driller, timed bomb, TNT/Nitro crate, static orb, invisibility, ICE MINE, the Lego Racer shields, the Lego Racer obstacles.

Boost items: Various nitro boosts, "dust", Lego Racer uber boosts.

Special items: Star, blue shell, golden mushroom, pig curse, barrier, time-stopping clock, invincibility mask, super engine, Lego Racers brick earthquake

"And trust me, they aren't as painful as they sound." Hand said reassuredly.

Coughs all around. Master Hand shrugged and pointed at the karts. Grudgingly, the Smashers made their way to them and buckled themselves in. Then Master Hand teleported them to a long, round speedway-rather easy, no real obstacles. The weapon boxes were set all along parts of the track, in groups of about 15. A test of driving ability, not particularly skill.

And so it was. At the start of the race, those who had gotten the boosts slammed into the back of others, causing each other to skid out at various points. Pikachu and Kirby shot away from the ruckus, but both were promptly slammed by an assortment of offensive items as the others untangled themselves and picked up a series of powerful "leader-hunting" weapons. It was soon clear that the race was going to be won by the one who had the best luck and made their move at the right time.

Malon, Luigi and Samus all made moves using their invisibility and when they were visible again, Mewtwo released his pig item. There was a giant flash, and pretty much everyone was turned into tiny pigs. Laughing madly, the psychic Pokemon ran several of them over as he passed by, but everyone was out to get him, and several of them succeeded, striking him with cream pies, missiles, bowling balls and a couple of red shells to boot. By the time they had done with him, he was looking rather out-of-it, even though his kart had survived as it was indestructible.

It was painful stuff. Nobody was able to get a head of steam, as they were usually interrupted each time by clocks, by brick earthquakes, by thunder bolts, by electric batteries, by static orbs. Magnetic fields and mummies caused havoc as racers were sucked in five at a time, and the circuit was a constant minefield as obstacles filled it. One particularly spectacular crash came at the expense of Popo, who after going through a line of bananas while out-of-control from an oil slick, ran into a nitro crate with a timed bomb stationed next to it. He was blown into the wall yelling in agony, and Donkey Kong laughed at him as he passed, only to be hit by an exploding bowling ball moments later.

Some racers were more intelligent. Krystal, still riding on her first-place finish and eager to pick up as many trophies as she could before heading back to Star Fox, went for a series of boosts and pushed for the warp boost, but was plugged constantly by items. Captain Falcon used his experience in F-Zero racing to dodge obstacles as much as he could, especially with the help of various shields. Link tried to slash at a flying item with his sword, but it exploded in his face. He used invisibility and invincibility items as soon as they popped up, as they were the most important items. As all the mayhem occurred, Master Hand floated around in the stands watching. Some of the Smashers definitely would've wanted to pound him in the face, but they couldn't, as they were too busy dodging torrents of weapons flying at them. Bowser tried shooting a cream pie and aiming his red-eyed missile at Master Hand, but the giant hand reflected them both and after that, nobody had tried to settle terms with him.

Finally, after five laps, it was what had been predicted: the lucky one would succeed. That one was Peach, who flew onto a series of useful items in the final half of the final lap, using electrical batteries, followed by a lightning bolt, and then a golden mushroom while on a star while on a super engine to speed home at blinding speed past Kirby who had recovered well from being totalled at the start, and had evaded plenty of obstacles with large slices of luck. Krystal flew in third after riding in on a rocket, and eventually, a straggle of others flowed in.

Plenty of the Smashers wanted to get their hands on Master Hand, but he didn't let them as a scoreboard shot up with the rankings from the race. It was quickly replaced by the groups for the tournament:

Group 1: Peach, Mewtwo, Marth, Luigi, Samus, Ganondorf, Pikachu, Malon

Group 2: Roy, Mario, Zelda, Link, DK, Ness, Kirby, Popo

Group 3: Fox, Falco, Captain Falcon, Krystal, Nana, Wario, Candy, Bowser

The Smashers gathered in front of Master Hand as he went to explain the rules of the tournament. They seemed noticeably relieved that the racing was only in 8-player groups now and involved much less hazard. Master Hand brought out a list of racing tracks, set for the event along with the rules:

Each group will be racing these eight tracks:

-Shy Guy Beach, Mario Kart Super Circuit

-Vinewood, GTA San Andreas

-Calypso Coast, NOS Hot Pursuit 2

-City Slicking Course, GTA San Andreas

-Moo-Moo Farm, Mario Kart 64

-Grand Valley East, Gran Turismo

-Magma Moon Marathon, Lego Racers

-Tiny Temple, Crash Nitro Kart

The top two point-getters in each group advance to the finals and the two racers that finish below them enter a wild-card race for the remaining two spots in the final. The tracks listed are for the finals:

-Toad's Turnpike, Mario Kart 64

-VC Endurance, GTA Vice City

-Cyber Field 2, Konami Krazy Racers

-High Speed Ring, Gran Turismo

-Atlantic Coast, The Need For Speed

-Xalax, Lego Racers 2

-Velo's Citadel, Crash Nitro Kart

-Rainbow Road, Mario Kart 64

There was a terribly ghastly silence. There was a terribly ghastly noise. There was a terrib-

Before Dominus Noobius could finish typing, a bunch of Douglas Adams fans charged him.

"Hey, this is my fanfic, you have no right to do anything to me!" he shouted furiously as they swarmed him.

"Do you want Vogon poetry to be read to you? Or worse, be attacked by wet towels?" asked one, drawing out two towels. Others did the same.

Having no answer to the sheer versatility of the towels, he quickly surrendered and agreed not to make the reference.

The Smashers were watching the little argument from their own world. Dominus Noobius stared at them, and slammed the fourth wall shut.

"Wow." Roy muttered.

Master Hand took over the situation again and told the first group to get ready before he teleported them off to Shy Guy Beach. The eight racers weren't too scared at the notion of this first track-the Shy Guys didn't pop up much and the only real hazards were the dropping bombs that landed way out from land and the crabs, which were rather easily dodged.

So off it went. As Master Hand let them start, a rather sinister meeting was occurring somewhere else in the gaming universe…

"I will not stand for this! A Nintendo character using Microsoft-system video games to organise a fucking tournament?" screeched Grill Bates, head of Microsoft and pushing force behind the one and only personal home computer, considering Macs were a load of fail.

"Well, we can't control what's going on in the Smasher Mansion. We signed an agreement to allow a hilarious battle tournament to be held for those within the mansion once in a while, and that's about it…" explained the director of Nintendo, who was wearing a Nintendo logo shirt (which the Sony head made thumbs-down at regular moments.)

"Yeah, well you still suck. Why do you give video game characters so much power though? I can't interfere or I infringe copyright or something…" mumbled Bates.

"Woah, woah, woah, don't blame us. Master Chief headed over to the tournament our Hand is holding without telling you, they're going on their free will, not because we tell them to."

"Or they're bribing them." Bates snarled.

There was a silence. Sony and Bates exchanged glances. Eventually, Nintendo asked the question.

"What can I do for you then, Bates?" he asked.

"And what about me too?" Sony asked.

"Dude, Master Hand's not going to organise anything based on a Sony-specific game. It lacks proper multiplayer stuff apart from SingStar. Unless you make them play MultiTheftAuto or something." Bates said.

"Yeah, so what should we do?" Nintendo asked.

"I think maybe we should call upon the villains of the various games that we own. Let them pay a visit, give this Master Hand a show of force."

"You mean the villains of your games. Most of my flagship "villains" are at the mansion." Nintendo grumbled.

"Yeah, well, we've got plenty of firepower. Sony has the characters like Sephiroth and stuff. I've got Hell Knights and that Tartare Sauce douche with the big hammer. I don't think he wants to be screwing around with the hammer though, we had to put him in rehab after we finished making Halo 2. That was the secret reason we ended it on a cliffhanger." Bates said.

"Hah! I'm going to post that stuff on the Interweb!" Sony shouted, scribbling down notes rapidly.

Bates snapped his fingers, and the head of Bungie came out of nowhere and thumped Sony in the head with a baseball bat.

"Yeah, so that wasn't supposed to happen. But anyway, you fine about my arrangement?" Bates asked Nintendo.

Nintendo shrugged, but he added one more thing.

"Watch out for those Atari guys, especially Pacman. He'll eat your villains alive if they piss him off enough. They'll respawn, but trust me it's disturbing to be eaten by a yellow blob."

"All right." Bates replied, and he disappeared, but not before kicking the unconscious Sony in the face one more time.