Chapter 8

It was against my better judgement but somehow Bill had talked me into going back and talking to Eric. I really didn't want to yet here I was standing in front of him silently. My arms folded over my chest as he smiled at me from the couch.

"I am so sorry Sookie. I am truly sorry for trying to control you the way I did and breaking my word to you. I can swear to you that it will never happen again." Eric uttered the words through gritted teeth.

"Uh huh, what did Bill tell you?" I wouldn't make the mistake of believing him again.

"He is very worried about you, my love. We both are. Why did you not tell me you were so unhappy? Why did you hide it from the bond?" So we were starting there then.

"I didn't want to hurt you." He reached out for me but I jumped away from his hand. "Don't touch me!" He sighed and leaned back into the leather couch.

"What can I do to get you to forgive me Sookie? How can we get past this? We have much we need to discuss but first you must trust me when I say I will never ever try to compel you again. I was wrong. I see that now." He was pushing his remorse and love at me over the bond. I sighed and sat next to him.

"I know because there really wouldn't be much point would there? For what it's worth I'm sorry too. I should have listened to you so you didn't feel you had to compel me." The odd thing was that I knew how wrong I was and yet I was still so angry with him. I should have listened to him but he tried to control me. I simply couldn't forget that even if I could forgive it.

"I am going to be very honest with you, my love. I didn't tell you much about the first year as a vampire because I wanted to protect you and I was afraid if you knew what it would be like you would change your mind and die. I can't live without you Sookie but I am also done indulging your every childish whim. I am older, wiser and more experienced than you. I am a king and while I am very proud of your status as Supreme Minister and Goddess you are still my wife and I deserve your respect. I can't keep trying to help you while fighting against you. We should work as a team. I want us to work together. If you can show me respect and listen to me I can try to understand your point of view so a compromise can be reached." I tried to calm my mind and think rationally. I knew that what he was saying was logical and fair but it was so hard to hold in my anger. I felt like my mind was spinning out of control and I was trying to rope it together with very little success. Not knowing what else to do or say I started to shake and tears rolled down my cheeks.

Eric pulled me into his arms and I pressed my head into his cool chest and cried. I cried until there were simply no more tears left. As the blood leaked from me the anger melted away and turned to misery.

"I am so very sorry Eric. I should have listened to you. I should have told you how I was feeling. I was just so afraid of hurting you," I mumbled into his chest.

"Is our life together so bad Sookie?" He stroked my hair and rocked me gently as he asked but I could hear the pain in his voice. I snapped up to look him in the eyes and I clutched his face in my hands.

"No Eric. No. I love you and Astra more than anything, anything. I couldn't ask for more than that it's just...me. I am so tired. I feel like I am always fighting myself for control and I am so very tired. I just want...peace." I shuddered as I spoke and buried myself into his chest again. I was starting to get hungry again and the feeling was scary in its animal intensity. It was like an addiction. It wasn't just an urge it was an inescapable need.

"Shhh, Sookie. It's going to be alright. I am going to help you. We will get through it together. You don't need to fight anymore. Just let go. Let it go, I've got you." So following with my promise to listen to him I did. I let go and everything was wiped out in a blinding white light. The cage inside my mind was opened wide and the light which escaped it consumed everything.

"You know who I am?" The woman before me was tall, as tall as Eric. She was dressed in a black robe that billowed in the soft breeze. Her hair was jet black too as were her eyes. They burned black fire as she gazed down upon me. The darkness was contrasted perfectly with the paleness of her skin.

"I know you Antwyn." She smiled softly down at me and there was sunshine in her expression.

"And do you know where you are?" I looked around at the white expanse. We were surrounded by fluffy clouds as far as the eye could see.

"Yes. We are in the layer between worlds but I do not know why I am here." She stepped closer to me and took my hands in hers.

"I have waited a long time for you. So much has happened and you are still so young. So much pain, so much grief, so much loss. You have fought for so many years and despite everything you have lived. You are a god among men and beasts but like all gods you do not have true omniscience that is just a myth. You merely have power, a power which you never use to dominate or abuse others. Your heart is still so pure, so innocent and yet darkness clouds it. Your scars are deep and you never truly dealt with them. Your daughter saved you but she did not redeem you.

I am mother of death. I am giver of life. Finally you have given in to the screams in your mind. You let go and came here so that I could tell you what you need to know." I shivered at the authority in her voice. She was so powerful and so old. I could feel her in my very bones. I had never met her or seen her but I knew her as I knew myself. She was a part of me, a part of everything.

"What do I need to know?"

"Oh, child. You need to know why you ache the way you do." She pulled me into her embrace and kissed my head. I was too stunned to speak, even to cry. "You are so brave, Sookie. You never give up no matter how much you may want to but it is time to accept that you are not the human you wanted to be. You are a creature of power. You will never be at rest until you accept the ferocity within you. You hate yourself so much because you see it as wrong to be so powerful but your power comes from your heart Sookie. It is not evil but benevolent in its nature. Yes, you have an animal inside you but no living creature is any different. You know better than anyone how monstrous humans can be. No creature will stand by as injustice surrounds them and does them harm.

As a vampire you are strong enough to handle your own power but with it comes the knowledge you have been ignoring. Your emotions are wild because you hear it all. You hear their thoughts and their feelings and you must learn to block it all or you will go mad." I nodded silently into her chest. It was like being held by a tidal wave or tornado but still it was a comfort. She understood. I could let go and she understood.

"What will happen when I return?" Part of me didn't want to go back but I could feel a pull on my heart. I belonged with my family no matter how hard it was. She stepped back placing her hands on my shoulders. Her smile was so radiant.

"You will go back to your life and learn how to block the world. He will help you." I nodded. It was so strange. I was standing in the middle of nowhere-literally- and I was with the mother of life and death. She was older than time itself. She understood me in a way no other would and I craved that understanding. I needed the soothing calm her support could give me. I was hungry for it. It was the mother's love I had been so long without.

"Sookie, you don't need to cry anymore. You are grown and strong. You have the love of a family. You have power and never ending life. You can let go of this grief and be happy. Just let yourself be happy because you honestly deserve it." I nodded knowing it was stupid to argue even if I didn't agree. Her wry smile told me I hadn't fooled her though.

"I will do everything I can, Antwyn. I will let Eric help me. He is right. He has more experience and wisdom than I will ever have." She laughed and it was the sound of a nightingales song.

"True but you have more power. Together you will be a force the world can look to. You are his weapon and his heart just as he is your strength." I stepped away from her and looked out at the vast white sheet of this hollow place.

"Astra is calling me." I could feel the pull getting stronger and I was ready to answer my daughter's cries.

"Ah, yes. You must return to the little one. She will be grown soon. Another two years and she will be ready to break free."

"She will live forever, won't she?" I had never voiced my fear before. My daughter had never stopped growing rapidly. I was sure she would be alright but without confirmation there was always a slither of fear.

"What does your heart tell you?" I looked back at her and felt the warmth of her burning eyes inside me.

"That she will always be with me. She is unlike any other creature and we are linked soul to soul. I can always depend on her just as I will always be there for her." Antwyn nodded her head and if I didn't know any better I would swear I saw parental pride in her expression.

"Always trust your heart, Sookie. It will never lead you wrong." The light blinded me again and as I opened my eyes I saw deep blue staring down at me.