"Now who the hell's there, someone's knocking on my door.
I feel death is out to get me, hope to make it out for sure.
There ain't a star in the sky so it's hard to make a wish.
I might be the next to die, hard to see through the mist.
Blowing kiss for my mother, give a hug to my brother.
Light a candle on the mantle, say a prayer, say another.
[...] It's another day alone, it's a war to survive.
I'm all on my own, hope to make it home alive.
It's the street life, street life. It's the street life, street life.
My heart's turned to stone, man it's almost like it died.
You could run and run forever but there ain't nowhere to hide."
~ Astal 'Street Life'
Chapter 8: "Poker Face"
October 25, 2021
12:23 p.m.
I was staring at my lunch, feeling rather nasueous. I haven't had appetite for weeks now. My body was tired and weak from lack of sleep and overwhelming stress. I picked up my meatless sandwich and cringed, suddenly realizing that I hadn't eaten for over 48 hours. I couldn't even look at food anymore. I dropped the sandwich back on my tray and wiped my hands on my jeans with an intent to leave the cafeteria. But unfortunately, I wasn't fast enough.
"Hey girl!" Johanna appeared basically out of thin air and her loud, as always, voice echoed in my pulsating head so very painfully. I glanced up and faced her and Finnick; they both looked as if they'd just seen a ghost. "Oh shit, what's wrong?" Jo asked, worry written all over her face as they both sat down at my table, gaping at me like I was some sort of an emergency.
"Nothing, why?" I said in a weak and hoarse voice. Which I guessed didn't really help my case.
"No offense, Clove, but you look like death." Jo announced, making me smirk half-heartedly. Well, she was probably right. I've been avoiding looking in the mirror.
"Don't listen to her, princess. You look just fine." Finnick complimented me, but these days I could smell bullshit from a mile away. He was trying to be nice. I just gave him a dismissive nod.
"So where's Cato?" Johanna asked casually and I really wished she hadn't. I felt like the answer to that question was rather obvious after what had happened last Friday. But that was just me.
"I have no idea." I murmured, picking out a piece of lettuce out of my sandwich just to keep my hands busy. I didn't want to make any more eye contact with them. I knew they were both watching me with their eyebrows furrowed, trying to figure me out.
"Is Gale back yet?" Jo decided to ask another incredibly undesired question and it actually made me look up again.
"I don't know." I snapped at her even though I knew she had nothing to do with any of this, really. "I don't know where Cato is and I don't know when Gale is coming back. They don't talk to me in case you haven't noticed yet."
Johanna actually looked taken aback by my attitude, but Finnick just laughed it off. "What? That's crazy talk, girl. I don't know about that Gale guy, but there's just no way Cato's mad at you."
"Wanna bet?" I said under my breath and I doubted they actually heard me. But the opportunity to convince them just how right I was about that came soon enough;
"Hey Cato!" Finnick called out suddenly when he noticed his best friend walking with his lunch in search of someone to sit with. "Come sit with us!"
Cato locked eyes with me for just a split second before responding in the most freezing voice I'd ever heard come out of his mouth: "No, thanks."
And with that he just walked off and sat at somebody else's table, quickly engaging in a meaningless conversation about something he probably couldn't care less about. Finnick looked like the other guy had just slapped him and then stared at me with wide eyes. "Wow. What the hell did you do, princess?"
I guess I should have just ignored that question. I should have just kept my mouth shut. But I wasn't really the master of great choices, was I?
"I told Gale about the Purge."
The atmosphere at our table changed in an instance. Johanna's fairly concerned look became a glare while Finnick's face took on an expression of sudden realization.
"You told Gale?" Jo gasped, shooting daggers at me. Well, that was a first. "Are you mental?"
"Maybe." I said simply with a shrug. I really didn't care what they thought of that. Things couldn't really get any worse, could they?
"Well that's just great, Clove. Real nice."
Maybe they could.
"He deserved to know." I tried defending my actions but to no avail.
"Well you deserve the treatment you've been getting from him and Cato. Serves you right, you know." she said in a freezing voice, similiar to Cato's, then just left. I rubbed the back of my neck with a tired sigh. Okay, I hadn't seen that coming.
"Great." I summed up bitterly, watching her go. "What are you still doing here?" I asked Finn, surprised he stayed put. "Have I not done a good enough job turning everyone against me?"
Finn just shrugged, looking quite unaffected by what just happened. "I don't care that you told... what's his name again?"
"Gale."
"Right." he said dismissively, landing his hungry eyes on my sandwich. "Are you gonna eat that?"
I stared at him for a moment with a frown. Well, he was something else. At this point I felt so incredibly crappy and guilty about everything that I found it amazing that Finnick, of all people, was the only person who stood by me. Then again, was I really that surprised? I mean, he did take the time to try and cheer me up a few weeks ago after Gale had left me basically crying my eyes out in the cafeteria. And as far as I remembered, he'd always been very kind, but I used to think he was just being his typical self, all flirtatious and what not. At one point I kind of established that he was always hitting on me simply because he liked getting on Cato's nerves, just for the heck of it. I never actually stopped to think if there could be more to that.
"No." I told him, pushing my lunch tray towards him. Immediately he perked up and snatched my sandwich.
"No ham?" he asked in a disappointed voice. "What am I supposed to do with a lettuce sandwich?"
I smiled slightly, wondering how in the world was it so easy for Finnick to cheer me up. I'd just been royally ignored by Cato and snapped at by Johanna, for Christ's sake. And yet I still had it in me to smile thanks to Finnick. And I actually did feel a tiny bit better. Just for a moment, though. Seemed like these days life wouldn't allow me to feel less than miserable for more than three seconds.
Out of the blue Cato marched right up to us, glaring down at me like he was born to despise me. "I hate to interrupt you two, but there is just one thing I wanted to make sure was going to happen."
I glanced up, looking rather uninterested in whatever he had to say. Frankly, I really wasn't curious or in the mood to talk to him. I mean, he had been ignoring me ever since we'd left the Principal's office and it didn't matter how many times I tried calling him over last weekend; apparently he wasn't in the mood to talk to me either. Well, until now.
"Tell your friend to keep his trap shut, Clove."
And that was about it. That was all he had to say to me. I honestly had no strenght in me to even respond. I just looked at him blankly and couldn't help but notice that his stern eyes softened a little when he noticed how pale my face was and the dark bags underneath my eyes.
"Chill, Cato." Finnick said suddenly, to my surprise. "I'm sure he's not gonna tell anyone."
"What are you now, her new best friend?" Cato snapped at him, clenching his fists as if he thought that would calm his nerves.
"Don't be a bitch, man." Finn almost barked, getting angry and effectively taking Cato aback. "Leave her alone."
I couldn't believe what was happening. I could not believe that I had just managed to make Johanna mad. And I couldn't believe Finnick was actually defending me from his best friend. But most of all, I couldn't believe that Cato and I had ended up like this. People say life turns on a dime. And trust me, I had experienced the truth of that saying before. But I couldn't believe that with a snap of the fingers Cato had gone from seemingly caring so much about me to practically hating me. That just led me to start wondering did he actually ever care for me. I mean, I couldn't even call him my boyfriend because we had never established anything like that. We just hung out and spent a lot of time together but we never actually got to the point where he or I would ask that cliche of a question; what are we?
Guess it didn't matter now. Because as of today we were a big, fat nothing.
Cato looked as if he'd just been slapped and well, I couldn't blame him. I had equally hard time grasping what just happened. Finnick was wearing a rather serious face and let me just say, that was a first. I hadn't seen him look anything even close to serious before. Apparently that wasn't a frequent sight for Cato either. He landed his widened eyes on me next. But I said nothing. And neither did he.
I just let him walk away.
October 29, 2021
10:30 p.m.
I banged loudly on the door in front of me; or maybe I only thought I made such a great noise because my head hurt so much that every little sound seemed ten times louder. I wasn't sure what was going on. Everything was blurry and sort of shapeless. This was the second time that I had gotten myself so messed up in my life and if I had to be honest, I kind of liked this feeling. I liked feeling so careless, yet anxious at the same time. It was almost as if I knew that I was worried or upset about something but I couldn't quite remember why or what it was. And so it kind of didn't really matter for the time being.
I had stolen booze from my mean aunt's cabinet while she was passed out in her beloved rocking chair. My guess was she'd had enough alcohol for tonight so I had decided to help her out a little. And one thing was for sure; I needed it way more than she did. I knew I was likely to get in trouble if she were to find out but then again, by the time she'd finally drifted to sleep she was so out of it that I figured I could easily just convince her she had drunk all the liquor on her own. Once I was halfway through with the bottle, though, it had become quite clear to me that I really couldn't care less about my aunt's reaction.
With all that alcohol in my system the idea to come knocking on his door seemed ground-breaking. All I knew was that I really needed to see him. Talk to him. Make him listen.
The door finally opened and I faced him or someone who looked very much like him, anyway. "Hi!" I gasped, feeling my stomach twirl. I quickly closed my mouth in fear that I'd become sick.
"What are you-" he started saying but then noticed how hard it was for me to keep my balance and my barely conscious, extremely intoxicated eyes. "Are you drunk?"
"Yeah, I guess." I laughed. "Since you're so blurry."
I didn't know how he felt about seeing me so wasted because I could barely see a thing at that point. I felt myself starting to black out. And then there was nothing. I didn't know where or who I was anymore.
I dreamed of unexplainable things; you know just one of those times you have a nightmare that's just so ridiculous that you end up waking up seriously questioning your own sanity. That weird dream of mine, in which I recognized a couple of random people from school doing random and odd things, went on and on until I began waking up. And God how I wished I hadn't.
My head was killing me, I'd say almost literally. I tasted something really foul in my mouth and slowly opened my heavy eyelids.
I was outside. That much I was sure of. The sun was already starting to rise and the brightness of it hurt my eyes and head, both at the same time. I managed to make out a swing and a seesaw in front of me and that only added to my confusion. I realized that I'd been resting my head on something rather soft and warm. Hesitantly, I sat up straight and looked to the side, trying to piece together some of the events from last night and thinking of ways to explain myself.
"Morning." he rasped, glancing at me, as soon as I lifted my head from his shoulder. I furrowed my eyebrows and ran a hand through my hair, my fingers getting caught on some tangles. "You okay?"
His caring and gentle voice was rather soothing; I'd expect for a person who probably had just spent a good few hours babysitting a drunk friend to be less understanding. But different people just continued to surprise me.
"What the hell happened?" I asked in a hoarse voice, nausea trying to get the best of me. I swallowed hard.
"Well, I can't tell you too much." he said with a slight shrug. "You came here last night, drunk as ever." he explained, hugging his arms to his chest and I did the same when I felt the cold breeze making my skin cover in goosebumps. "You looked about ready to puke all over the stairway so I led you outside and well... here we are."
"Wait, you sat here with me all night?" I asked him in disbelief, memories from last night flashing through my tired head.
"Pretty much." he sighed, smirking. "I was going to wait for you to feel better and take you back inside but you fell asleep on me."
I felt my face turn hot red as embarrassment began sinking in. I couldn't believe I'd gotten myself in this situation in the first place. What the hell was going on with me?
"Sorry." I whispered, at a loss for words, really. I mean, what was there to say?
"It's okay, you didn't barf on me or anything liek that." he almost laughed, bumping his shoulder against mine in order to convince me that he really didn't mind. "No harm done, Princess."
I smiled at Finnick, wondering how the heck had we ended up as friends. I really had no idea. Going back, I'd say we'd started off as one of those people who only knew each other's names and that was about it. How did we end up like this? How did I end up turning up at his door, out of it and how did he end up taking care of me all night?
And what about Cato? I knew he must have heard me banging on the door last night. There was no way he hadn't heard my voice either. Something squeezed my heart as I realized that he must have just simply ignored the fact I'd come to see him after midnight, drunk out of my mind. Like he had been ignoring me altogether for the past week.
"So what's the last thing you remember?" Finn asked suddenly, interrupting my thoughts. "Just out of curiousity."
I frowned, trying hard to go back to the very last moment my intoxicated brain had managed to register. "I, uh... talking to you in the stairway, but I guess I wasn't even quite sure who I was talking to."
"You weren't." he snickered. "You thought I was Cato."
"Really?" I whispered just to respond somehow. But I wasn't too shocked.
"Yeah, you tried making out with me."
"What?" I gasped. Now I was shocked.
"I'm just playing." he laughed, obviously pleased with my reaction. He put his hands up in mock surrender. "Sorry, Princess. You know I like to kid."
"Yeah, well, that was a bit too much." I almost snapped, feeling my teeth start to chatter from the cold. Finnick picked up on that immediately.
"Want me to take you home?" he asked in all seriousness which wasn't a very common thing for him to do. He looked almost odd while trying to remain serious.
"No, it's okay." I declined, thinking of my aunt. "I don't really want to go back home."
"Well you can stay at mine if you like?" he offered, but shockingly there was no suggestive smirk on his face. "You could take a nap or whatever. I sure am going to sleep for a bit since someone kept me up all night."
"I am really sorry, Finnick." I tried apologizing again even though I knew he was only teasing me.
"Clove, seriously, it's not a big deal. Had I not wanted to, I wouldn't have stayed here with you. So really, no worries."
"I just feel really stupid." I confessed, playing with my fingers akwardly. "I guess my idea was to talk to Cato. I really didn't think that you would end up having to take care of my drunk ass."
"Well your drunk ass is lucky that I'm so very fond of it." Finnick growled, that infamous, flirtatious smirk of his appearing on his tired face, after all. "Come on, let's go inside before we freeze to death."
"Finn," I stopped him before he had the chance to get up. "I don't really like the idea of going back inside. I think I'm just gonna go somewhere else-"
"Cato's not in." he cut me off, having realized the reason for my hesitation.
"How do you know?" I frowned.
"Because he hasn't come home since yesterday morning. He went somewhere straight after school."
I felt like a bucket of icy water had just been poured right on top of my head. Well, at least now I knew why Finnick was the one who had spent the night watching me. I guessed that meant Cato hadn't ignored me or refused to talk to me, after all. But if he wasn't home... where did he spend that unfortunate night? "Do you have any clue where he might be right now?"
"Not really." Finnick replied and I could tell he really didn't know. I could tell he was not trying to cover for his friend. "I'm gonna be honest and say that Cato had been pretty cold with me for a few days too. I guess he didn't really appreciate how I tried defending you on numerous occasions this week."
My heart actually skipped a beat; and no, not in a romantic kind of way. But having a guy like Finnick not only understand my actions but also seeing him actually step up and defend me in front of his best friend was something that meant the world to me; especially since I had managed to turn everyone else against me. "Thank you." I told him as sincerely as I could. Because I really meant it.
"Hey, he might be my best friend and yeah, maybe telling Gale about the Purge wasn't very loyal, but Cato needs to get the hell over it. It ain't like we took an oath or some shit. He's gotta chill." Finnick said, getting on his feet and holding out his hand for me. "And I didn't appreciate the way he's been treating you because of something so trivial."
I smiled softly, taking his hand and letting him help me up. "It's okay, though. I get why he's mad."
"Clove, you think you do. But you don't." he said, making me frown yet again. "Look, I really don't think it's about you telling someone. I think it's about you telling Gale."
My face relaxed instantly as I began considering that option. Finnick could be right. I doubted that Cato would have started World War III had I told anybody else. Anybody but Gale. "You think?"
"I'm almost certain." he shrugged then stretched his arms with a yawn. "Those two have been silently going at it for months."
"How did I miss that?" I asked myself, not fully realizing that I actually said that out loud. Finnick watched me for a few seconds before breaking into a sad smile.
"That's how life works, Princess. We only see what we want to see."
Finnick was way smarter than I had orginally given him credit for. And he never stopped proving me just how wrong I had been about him. He'd become a really close friend of mine so fast I almost missed when it actually happened. We've become so close that shorty after that surprising night there came the times when I'd share certain things with him and him only. He turned out to be a fabulous listener and someone who really did give great advice. And cared, as well. Despite his flirtatious nature, he only saw me as a friend. And since our friendship was so fresh, he was easily able to stay detached emotionally when it came to talking about issues concerning both Gale and Cato. I really didn't know how it was possible for a person to be a best friend to someone yet still stay very objective about matters concerning their best friend. He was never careful with words; if he thought that Cato was wrong, he would say it. To him, to me, in public. He was never sticking up for Cato no matter what just because they were best friends. He wasn't a typical best friend to Cato. He was a smart best friend. He was the 'I'll stop you before you kill' instead of 'I'll help you kill' kind of best friend. To sum all this up: he had some balls.
I quickly learned that Cato never held a grudge against Finnick about any of this. I realized he knew that Finnick was usually right about stuff so he'd either let it go or put on a hard face for a few days then forget about it. I knew that he was very grateful for a friend like him. I knew he wouldn't trade him for anyone else; they'd been best friends for as long as Gale and I.
That day Finnick and I both ended up passing out. I, naturally, took Cato's bed and being that I was unbelievably hungover, I didn't even stop to think what would happen if he came back while we're both asleep. All I knew was that the next time I opened my eyes, he was sitting next to me with a face so hard to read that I wasn't sure whether I should run or simply pretend that he wasn't there.
"Still not much of a drinker, are you?" he asked me rhetorically, staring at me like a hawk. I really had no idea what time or even day it was. Very disoriented, I propped my sore body up on my elbows and frowned. "May I ask what you're doing in my bed?"
"Sleeping?" I rasped, hoping that was a good enough answer, but at the same time I expected him to just get angrier.
"All those months and now is the time to be a smartass, Clove?" Cato asked in a rather stern voice. I could see he was still mad at me and I guess having found me in his bed while his best friend was very likely passed out in the other room didn't really make things better for me.
"I figured I'd give it a try." I said in a weak voice, pulling myself up into a sitting position. "Where were you?"
He rose his eyebrows, looking sincerely surprised. "What, you're gonna interrogate me now?"
"Well, where'd you spend the night?"
"What's it to you?" he asked me bluntly and I almost gasped.
"Excuse me?"
"I sure as hell didn't spend the night with your best friend, I can assure you." he told me, his voice very cold and bitter. "Did you have fun?"
"What is the matter with you?" I snapped, glaring at him so intensely he actually looked away. "Why are you being such an ass?"
Cato glanced at me briefly before landing his eyes on the wall before us. Silence answered my question.
"Look, I am sorry if I betrayed your trust. I am, believe it or not." I said, now gaping at his profile. "I didn't exactly get wasted and decided to come here last night because my life's such a blast."
"Yeah, well, I'm sure Finnick made it all better." Cato muttered, matter-of-factly, standing up and walking away toward his closet. My body filled with rage. Before I knew what I was doing, I grabbed the nearest object available and threw it at him. The book hit him on the back of his head and he spun around with wide eyes.
"You know what, he did!" I snapped, tears of anger springing to my eyes. "And shame on you, Cato, because that should have been you."
And with that, I was done. Scrumbling out of his bed as fast as I could, I stormed right past him and slammed the door of his bedroom behind me.
He never followed me.
November 1, 2021
12:22 p.m.
Days were going by slowly. Too slowly. I still couldn't sleep or eat but I'd gotten used to feeling miserable by the time I stepped into the school that Monday. I was just following everybody else. Doing my job. Pretending I was fine. Like a robot. Hiding my misery behind the poker face I have been wearing.
I found myself standing in the hallway all alone, hugging my book to my chest as if it were to save my life. I realized, after a minute or two, that I couldn't remember how I actually ended up just standing there, frozen to that spot.
I missed him so much. I missed seeing him heading my way so we could walk to the cafeteria together. I missed seeing his smile from the other end of the hallway. I missed our carefree chats during lunch. I couldn't remember the last time we did all those things. I missed our routine. I missed him.
"Hi, Princess. Everything okay?"
I shook my head and automatically smiled up at him, realizing that his nickname had stopped bothering me quite a long time ago. I actually started to like it. It was his signature nickname for me and I had to admit that I liked how it made me stand out; Finnick called girls a milion of different names, but that one he'd saved for me only.
"Hey." I greeted him, ignoring his question and tightening my grip on the book. "How's it going? Did you sleep it all off?" I asked, hoping that he did.
"Oh yeah, I slept like a log. By the time I woke up, Cato was dialing 911."
I laughed, trying not to cringe at the mention of my former friend's name. "Well, I'm glad you're all better now."
"I'm good, no worries. How 'bout you?"
"Well," I sighed, pretending to think hard about his question. "I'm no longer hungover. Guess that's something."
"Sure is." he said with a chuckle. "So listen, my bitch of a best friend wants to talk to you but he's too scared you're gonna throw another book at his head so he sent me."
I rose my eyebrows, incapable of stopping that half-satisfied smirk from showing on my lips. "Oh really?"
"True story." Finn said, smirking back at me. "Shall I announce you?"
"Come again?"
"He'll be waiting in Mr Abernathy's classroom until the end of lunch break if you wanna go talk to his dumb ass." he informed me, making another grin lighten up my face. "Do your worse, Princess." he winked at me then walked away. It was funny because I was quite sure that Cato had asked him to simply tell me he was willing to wait for me if I wanted to talk. But the way Finnick introduced this whole thing to me had simply made my day. And not even the glare I received from Johanna as she passed me by was enough to ruin my mood.
I decided to go simply because I missed Cato's company. I missed all of them, actually. Cato, Johanna and Gale, of course.. If there was a slight chance I would be able to patch things up with one of them, I was sure going to try. And so not even five minutes later, I was already going inside the classroom where I found Cato leaning against the teacher's desk with his hands placed on it on either side of him. Next to him, there was a lunch tray loaded with all the things he always liked sharing with me. With a look of pleasant surprise, I glanced up from the food to him and he just sent me a small, but inviting, smile. Wait. Was he actually smiling at me?
"They, uh," he began in a raspy voice, then cleared his throat. "they ran out of strawberry yogurt at the cafeteria so ... I ran to the store." he told me, picking up the yogurt for me to see. I looked at it, trying as hard as I could to stop myself from smiling. I couldn't give in so easily. Sure, his gesture was super sweet but that didn't change the fact he'd been looking past me for a whole week. And so I glared at him, crossing my arms over my chest, letting him know that I wasn't going to simply forgive. "Alright..." he sighed, putting the yogurt back down, then taking a few steps forward. "Look, I am not very good at this. I'm not good at apologizing. I'm not good at admitting that I was wrong. And," he paused, looking down as if incapable to face me. "I'm definitely not very good at talking about feelings, but I'm going to try. For you."
I chose to just listen. For once, I was willing to just let him talk without interrupting, getting all angry or trying to throw things. When I didn't say anything for a minute, he got up the guts to look up and was now staring right into my dark eyes. "Clove, we never really defined... this." he said, looking rather embarassed. "Us, I mean." he cleared up, as if I didn't know. " And I don't want you to think that I was only so kind to you before in order to 'get' you. I can be a pig, but I really don't do stuff like that. The way I've been treating you for all those months, it was all real. It was all sincere and it was true me, okay? I never pretended anything with you, I swear. But the other night... that was a whole new side of me in your eyes." he paused there for a short moment, swallowing hard as if the next words couldn't make it out of his mouth so easily. "And it was also true me. That side of me has always been there. I never pretended anything with you but I wasn't exactly letting you see me at my worse, either."
I was rather stunned and the more he talked, the more he was catching me off guard. I had no idea that Cato could actually be so brutally honest and willing to put himself in a darker light.
"You were right; I was an ass. And my behavior was very uncalled-for." he admitted, taking another couple of steps towards me. "I'm sorry."
I knew that at that point, my eyes were no longer glaring. Maybe that was what encouraged Cato to continue: "I don't know what you do to me. And maybe I was simply looking for a good enough reason to push you away because this, in all honesty, scares me. I don't know how else to say it."
"Cato," I spoke finally, letting out something that sounded like a half-laugh of relief. "do you think it doesn't scare me? I became a completely different person after I met you. I stopped caring about things that were very important to me once. My friendship with Gale began fading right before my eyes and I wasn't doing anything to stop it. This scares the shit out of me, as well."
"I guess we both let ourselves get a bit carried away." Cato whispered, now standing much closer to me. "I really care about you. And believe it or not, I've never said that about or to any other girl."
"I believe you." I smiled, looking up into his blue eyes, as the familiar feeling of butterflies danced in the pit of my stomach. "Because I care about you, too."
"But see, here's the thing, little girl," Cato said, sounding a bit hesitant, as he glanced down. "I'm not the only guy you care about."
I expected him to go there. I really did. Because he was right. He wasn't the only one. But there was something else he was forgetting. "There's a few different ways you can care about someone, Cato."
"Thanks for the reminder." he joked, half-seriously. "I know that. But looking back at what's been going on between you and him, are you sure that you can still tell a difference? Because to me it seems like you're pretty torn on that matter."
"I'm not." I denied right away. And I meant that. "Gale's my best friend. He's almost like my family."
Cato stared at me in a way that made me certain he was still not sure about that and so I decided to do the one thing that I hoped would help convince him. Wrapping my arm around his shoulders, I pulled him down and brought his lips to mine. Rarely was I the one to initiate anything like this. I knew how much he appreciated it because every time I was the one to kiss him first, he'd respond twice as enthusiastically.
At last, I pulled away to catch my breath. I placed my hand on his chest and gave myself a couple of seconds before looking up again. He smiled at me, clearly relieved that we'd managed to talk this out.
"I know that it's not really something you used to do and that your friend would hate it," he said. "but wanna skip today?"
I noted how hard he was trying to avoid actually saying Gale's name. For a few seconds I was debating whether to ask him for a reason or not; but seeing how excited and happy he seemed to be back on good terms with me, I decided to let it go. It was probably nothing, anyway.
"Sure." I agreed. "What's one more detention, right?"
"Yeah and I'll be there, as well, to keep you company. " he laughed, throwing the yogurt at me. I caught it swiftly in the air, making him smirk. "Let's pack it up and leave before Mr Abernathy shows up."
"Actually," I said, thinking fast. "I need a favor from you first."
Cato rose his eyebrows curiously. "Sure, feisty. But only if that'll get me back in your good graces."
I smiled softly. "It will. But you're not gonna like it."
November 1, 2021
4:15 p.m.
He opened the door and was only half-surprised to see me there. I'd expected so much more but that was good enough. Him not slamming the door in my face was also good enough.
"Hey." I greeted him with a small smile. He looked much better than that last time I saw him; his black eye was almost all gone and his lip was back to its normal size as well. He also looked rested and healthier, which made me feel a tiny little bit less guilty.
"Hi."
Even his voice sounded softer and stronger. I suppose he had some time to recover from what I had shared with him that memorable day at school a couple of days ago. "I know you said you wanted me to give you some time and I still will," I assured him quickly. "but I just thought that I could help you out a little. Being that your suspension is basically entirely my fault."
"Help me out?" he asked with a frown and I nodded, then handed him the bag I was holding.
"Yeah. Here."
"What's this?" Gale murmured, looking inside the bag and taking one of the notebooks out.
"They're for you. So you can catch up with all the homework and stuff." I explained, making him look up at me in slight shock. He stared at me for a moment then began looking through some of the notebooks I'd brought him.
"These are all from different people, how did you get them?"
"Well..." Here comes the bomb. "it wasn't me, actually."
Gale froze with his arm half buried inside the bag. He then slowly drew it out and let it fall limply to his side. "Your boyfriend got those for me?"
I opened my mouth for a few seconds, lacking a good response to his question. I had to say something, though, so with an innocent shrug I murmured: "He's in the same year and he knows all the nerds that are always on top of school work, so..."
He watched me with furrowed eyebrows for a good minute or so and I was almost certain he was about to decline Cato's help. I was quite sure he would throw that bag back at me and slam the door. But shockingly none of that happened.
"He must really like you." Gale said, looking as if it physically hurt him to say that. "Can't believe he actually went through all the trouble."
Honestly? I couldn't believe it, either. "Yeah, I asked him nicely."
"Thought you guys were fighting." Gale said, putting the bag down then rising his eyebrows at me.
"How'd you know?"
He didn't answer. And he didn't have to, frankly. I knew Johanna had something to do with it. She could never keep anything to herself, really. She wasn't a gossip, she was just brutally honest. She didn't understand the definition of secret. "Okay. well... I'm going to give you some space now."
As I turned around, I felt his hand grab my arm, making chills crawl down my skin. "Wait."
I glanced at him over my shoulder, feeling my heart rate go up. "Yeah, Gale?"
"You..." he paused, looking very troubled and torn. "you don't have to go yet. If you don't want to."
I broke into a tiny smile, my eyes filling with hope. "I don't?"
He let go of me then let out a heavy breath. "No, you don't. I'm sure the little ones would be happy to spend some time with you. They've been asking about you."
"Really?"
"Yeah." he smiled softly. "Stick around if you like."
"I'd love to." I said, feeling happier than in a long time and I knew he noticed. "I just need to do something real quick first."
"Sure."
"Cato's waiting for me outside so I'm just gonna go tell him that I'm staying, ok?"
Gale looked very much taken aback, but he must have been pleasantly surprised because he almost grinned. "Okay. I'll leave the door unlocked."
"Thanks." I said, shooting him a quick smile before running off. I basically hopped my way down the stairs, feeling so overjoyed that Cato took a step back when I came rushing out of the stairway.
"Wow, someone's lookin' pretty thrilled." he growled, watching me curiously. "Quite a change."
"I got bored with being miserable, what can I say?" I told him, coming to an abrupt stop right in front of him. "Don't be mad but I'm going to stay and hang out with Gale's siblings; they haven't seen me for weeks and wanna play. And I need to talk to Gale, too. Is that okay?"
Cato's pleased smile disappeared faster than Halloween candy given to a bunch of hungry kids. He looked away from me before speaking in a defeated voice: "So you chose him?"
My mouth opened wordlessly as I struggled to come up with a response. Was my life a literal seesaw? Seemed like I just couldn't keep myself up for too long. "I.. I mean, wh-"
"Relax," he chuckled suddenly, leaving me very confused. "I was just kidding. It's fine."
"You sure?" I scowled. "You're not mad?"
"No. If staying is going to make you happy, then go ahead."
Okay, what was happening? How in the world did he look so ... okay with this? Was it just another act he was trying to pull off?
"And plus, there's no solid reason for me to get jealous over you and him hanging out with a bunch of kids everywhere around. That's not exactly romantic."
Well, he did have a point. I laughed quietly with a shake of my head, then went up on my tiptoes to place a soft kiss on his cheek. "Thank you. For the favor and everything."
"No problem." he assured me. "Call me later?"
"I will." I promised.
"Well you better." he warned me teasingly. "I'd say 'have fun' but well, he stole my girl from me for the rest of the day so I'll pass on such courtesy."
Everything stopped. The moment I heard those words come out of his mouth I felt adrenaline running through my veins, making it instantly much harder to breathe. He watched me with that beautiful smile of his and it seemed like it took me forever to respond;
"Your girl?" I asked, my voice shaking slightly with excitement.
"Yeah. " Cato said with a hint of authority in his voice that made me want to kiss him breathless. "You're my girl."
July 22, 2022
8:30 p.m.
I felt so cold on the inside. It's been a month and it still felt like it happened yesterday. Like today was the first time I came here. Like I haven't been coming here every other evening this month. Ignoring the fact that my jeans were all clean, I went down to my knees, my fingers digging themselves into the grass on either side of me. I just stared. I had nothing to say this time. I couldn't get a word out.
Out of the blue I heard some footsteps coming my way, making me anxious. I turned my head and felt a huge lump in my throat when I saw him.
He didn't look surprised to see me there, which led me to believe he had every intention to come here at this time. He stopped a couple of feet to my right and locked his sad eyes with mine; I could feel his pain very vividly. Because I was in pain myself.
"Hey." he rasped after what seemed like a good five minutes of silence. I didn't know how to feel; on the one hand the sight of him enraged me. On the other, I was glad to see him because it's been weeks since the last time we spent more than five minutes together. I cared about him. I really did. He was very important to me and to see him so crushed was like yet another slap to the face. Yet another ache that I really did not need.
"Hi." I said, barely above a whisper, looking away from him. After another moment I heard him come closer until he stood right next to me. We stayed like that in silence for at least twenty minutes. If not way longer. I wanted to say so much but somehow I wasn't even able to put two words together. Everything hurt. His presence so close to me was making it worse.
"You're usually gone by now."
I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut. So he didn't actually come here looking for a chance to talk to me. He had expected I'd have left by now. He was right; normally at this time I was already on my way home. But today was just different. "Yeah, something came up."
I didn't want to look at him and so I had no idea what was his reaction to that was. Minutes began dragging on and he just still stood there; I could sense he wanted to talk but I figured he was dealing with the same problem that I was struggling with. He just couldn't put any words together. At last, he squatted, his arm brushing mine. I flinched at the contact.
"Clove..." he whispered in a voice that made me think he was about to cry. And so I turned my face to look at him and indeed there were signs of upcoming tears in his eyes. I wanted to hug him so bad. Just hold onto him and tell him things were going to be okay. But that would've been a lie. Nothing was going to be alright. And I wasn't capable of touching him. Because if I were to touch him, I wasn't sure if I'd end up comforting him... or hurting him.
"Cato," I whispered back but my voice was cold as opposed to my eyes that I could tell showed pain and pure sorrow. He winced at my tone but didn't tear his eyes away and continued to stare at me; his warm breath softly grazing my cheek.
"I need you." he confessed and I swear I almost felt my heart break in half. God, how I wished I had it in me to comfort him. How I wished I could look at him the way I used to once upon a time; with kindness and affection.
But I couldn't.
"Cato..." I choked out his name again, looking away. I couldn't handle facing him any longer, knowing what I was about to do. "I can't."
There were millions of ways that I wanted to go with to explain myself. There were thousands of words I had running through my head. But I wasn't able to use any of them. I was empty. I was cold. "I'm sorry, but I just ... can't."
That was all I had to say to him, desperately hoping he would understand. That he would get the message. That he would realize that this was me saying I was done.
Did he? I never really knew. Because he said nothing. He took something out of his backpack and I glanced down at his hands. It was a candle. Without a word he lighted it up and put it down in front of us; his hand shaking slightly as he did. Pain shot through my body but I swallowed down all the tears that I felt were coming. Cato clasped his hands together and lowered his head hopelessly between his knees. I stared at his profile and noticed his shoulders began trembling so gently I thought I was imagining that.
I wanted to hold him. I wanted to give him the support he so badly needed. I really did.
"I'm gonna go now.." I whispered instead, getting back on my feet. I no longer knew who I hated more; him or myself. He lifted his head again, his eyes red and glistening, but he wasn't looking at me anymore. He fixed his gaze at the stone before him and was quiet.
I wanted to place my hand on his shoulder. I wanted to do at least that before I'd leave him here all alone.
But I didn't.
And as I began walking away, I heard the last words that I wanted to hear from him right then:
"I love you."
I froze, feeling my heart beating fast in my chest. Why did he have to do that? Why now? Why here? I balled my hands into fists, feeling a sudden urge to hit him. How dared he? Was it his desperate attempt to make me change my mind? I didn't want to believe that his words were sincere; he couldn't possibly mean that.
But as I glanced over my shoulder to throw a hurtful response at him, I stopped the words from coming out of my mouth. His face was buried in his scarred hands and he was no longer trying to hide the fact that he had finally broken down. He wasn't making any noise whatsoever but it was very clear to me that he had let the tears go.
I was filled with rage and sorrow and all those feelings were so strong that I literally wanted to scream. But what was that gonna do? How was that going to help?
I couldn't remember making my way back to Cato. Nor could I remember sitting down next to him again and putting my hand on his back. I rubbed lazy circles on his shirt as he continued to cry. He never tried holding me and I was grateful that he was smart enough to have scratched that option. He didn't even look at me. Slowly, with time, his sobs began to calm down and I waited until his shoulders stopped shaking completely before taking my hand away. That was all the comfort I was able to give him in that moment.
My eyes glanced down to the candle; I watched its flame dance for a little while before looking up to what stood in front of me, my heart sinking;
In Loving Memory Of
Finnick Odair
Born August 8th, 2005
Died June 22nd, 2022
A/N: Well, things are starting to make a bit more sense, aren't they? Thank you all for all the wonderful reviews and I hope that you enjoyed this (longest yet) chapter! :) In the next one, I will of course pick up where I left things off last time and I will also add some flashbacks from Cato and Clove's previous Purge nights.
Have an amazing rest of the week!
