A/N: Words do not express how happy I am that the Fangirl Layer went over so well. I really didn't want to step on any toes, and I was so worried someone might get offended. And really, GO's fangirls are relatively tame, so it wasn't a shot at any of you, buuuut there's no way fangirls could resist two pretty hot people xD

Continued love to my beta Quantum Witch (who now only has five weeks to beta the next chapter, o noez! ;) ) and love to all of you wonderful people for your nice words and things :D I'd give you the heart emoticon but the site would delete it :(


Chapter Six

Evilosoth the Conqueror, Destroyer of Worlds finished destroying this latest battalion of angels without too much effort on his part. It was sort of his thing.

He had confronted them in a city square, having walked upon them as they were Gomorrah'ing* the city. Not caring one way or the other as to whether or not they accomplished their goal of destruction, he decided to see how effective his Antichrist powers were against real angels for the first time. It turned out they were very effective.

"Would you look at that," breathed one human male survivor.

Slowly but surely the humans who hadn't been destroyed came out to see their theoretical savior. Evilosoth the Conqueror, Destroyer of Worlds started to clean his blade of angel blood.

"Our hero! He saved us from the evil angels!" exclaimed another.

"What's your name, son?" asked an old man.

He told them.

"Wow, I find myself filled with trust and admiration for you, Evilosoth the Conqueror, Destroyer of Worlds," said a teenager.

"Me too! Let's help Evilosoth the Conqueror, Destroyer of Worlds out! He's obviously on our side!"

Evilosoth the Conqueror, Destroyer of Worlds shrugged. Apparently the Antichrist charisma drew humans to him whether he wanted them or not. It didn't matter, really; humans weren't much of a challenge anymore, and while he didn't want followers, it didn't seem worth it to get his sword dirty again yet.


* Not Sodom'ing. That's a completely different thing.


In a bar in southern France, two demons were sitting and getting drunk. Considering that there were no humans left in the city, they weren't hiding the fact that they were occult beings.

"Oy, so ye think we can beat all of the Humans?" asked the first well-to-do demon, "There's a bloody good deal of them."

"We're the powers of 'ell!" exclaimed another one, chugging a mug of virgin blood *, "First we'll kill all the humans, and then the forces of Heaven!"

The first demon looked wary even as he sipped some tea. "I dunno… There's a lot more of them than there is of us."

The second demon smiled broadly up until it didn't have a head. To be fair, it still smiled, but the head was on the floor and the first demon couldn't see it there, considering in a moment he lost his head.

The one who decapitated them cut holy symbols into their back with a sword before leaving as easily as it had come. No one else in the bar even saw the cloaked figure leave or come in; however, rumors of the Dämonverderben, the Demonsbane, were still plentiful.


* Like most people, demons don't actually enjoy virgin blood, nor does it do any good to drink it. But it certainly looks evil.


The inside of the fangirls' stronghold looked very similar to how the outside represented it – a fortress. "So where are we even going? There's nothing in here that's out of the ordinary," Gabriel said, gazing impassively around the stone floors and walls with their erotic tapestries.

"Well," Crowley said, "up or down, I guess. He used to be encased in a lake of ice so maybe down is our best bet?" Gabriel calmly strode to the staircase that led down. Crowley sighed and followed. "So admit it, you do think he's hot," he said.

"I think no such thing," Gabriel scoffed. "He's an incompetent fool."

"But a really attractive one, am I right?" Crowley teased.

Gabriel's frown deepened. "Even if I did find that incomprehensibly moronic simpleton attractive-"

"You should tell him," Crowley interrupted.

Gabriel stopped on the step and fixed Crowley with a glare. "Ah. And I've finally met the one that Father has assured existed – the one creature actually more Michael than Michael himself. Tell him. I would rather rip out my tongue. Do you even know what such information would do to him?"

"It's obvious he likes you too," he said with a shrug. "It's the juvenile 'annoy you to show affection' method, but there's no mistaking it."

Gabriel snorted in derision. "Regardless of any sort of reciprocation, confiding in him would inevitably result…"

"I find you attractive," said Gabriel.

Twenty years of touring had inevitably taught Michael a dance move or two and he began to move to a familiar beat.

"Sing anything Foreigner and die."

The music instantly changed from "Hot Blooded" to –

"Oh, if you want my body and ya think I'm sexy, c'mon sugar tell me soooooo!" Michael sang, dancing a simple move that involving a lot of hip-swaying.

Gabriel face-palmed.

"… in that."

Crowley nodded. "Yeah, that's about right. All right, maybe it's better if you don't tell him that."

"Exactly. He is a buffoon and an ox, even if he does… … … have lovely buttocks. * So." Gabriel paused at the bottom step. "Ah, I see the décor has changed."

At the bottom of the staircase was a veritable plain of lava riddled with small pathways made of rock. "Huh," said Crowley, "I guess so. Lava is the new ice."


* Voted Best Arse in Creation since the vote's inception! **

** With Lucifer in second (much to his rage) and Belial in third. ***

*** And, actually, Aziraphale has consistently outranked Crowley as well. ****

**** Crowley has not complained about that for a very long time.


"And I saw four angels," Johnny McWhistle muttered, "and they went to the four corners of the earth and of the Abyss… And Serpent fought with Serpent, and the Dragon was unleashed and the world trembled…"

"Ma'am?" one of the woman's advisers asked her, slowly approaching, "would you like us to take him back to headquarters, or…?

She shook her head. "No thank you. We'll be fine here. A spot of tea would be nice."

"Of course, ma'am." He nodded to her and left.

She continued writing. This was getting quite interesting, she had to admit, although it was a bit hard to concentrate with all of the curious beavers staring at her.


Gabriel's scowl returned and doubled in intensity as he found himself curled up on the stairs, once again a mongoose. "Ah. Now that the fangirls can no longer pair-"

"Slash."

"What?"

"Fangirls slash you with people."

"... Every time you open your mouth, I find I respect you less. And as I was saying, now that the fangirls can no longer pair me with anyone, being as they are not here, my true physical form obviously lost its usefulness to Lucifer. You are going to carry me throughout this quest of ours."

"Ngk."

"And you are going to do so with no complaints and absolutely none of this ridiculous phobia business. Lift me up, slave."

With shaking hands, Crowley reached toward the silky brown mongoose that was glaring at him with slate-gray eyes. And those sharp teeth. And those snake-killing claws…

Crowley miracled a large pair of tongs and picked Gabriel up by the scruff of his neck. The mongoose hissed and flailed before going still.

"When you inevitably," he spat, "fuck up your second chance," (Crowley felt chills when Gabriel actually swore)"at Redemption and you Fall due to your gross ineptitude and uncanny ability to fail, I, personally, will hunt you down, and… Well. I shall require time to plot your demise – time which I doubt I shall have given your level of incompetence – but rest assured, it will hurt you. Oh, will it hurt you."

Nothing worse than what Raphael was planning on doing to me if I dumped Aziraphale, Crowley admitted to himself, starting to walk off with the mongoose still tong'ed.

"Release me from these tongs," Gabriel demanded. "Now."

"I can't hold you in the tongs and cross this plain of lava at the same time," Crowley admitted more to himself than to Gabriel. This would require a lot of jumping on his part, and as much as he would like to accidentally stop squeezing the tongs and let Gabriel fall into lava, he recognized that was likely not going to go over well with some other people. So he let Gabriel go, and the mongoose crawled up his body (being sure to shove his claws in as much as possible) before curling around Crowley's neck like a scarf. Crowley broke into a cold sweat but clenched his fists to help him save face.

"All right. Now then, straight in the distance I can see there is a door with a very large heavy lock on it, and to the right there is another door with no lock. I am certain of course that our true path lies through the door with the lock, but we shall have to get the key to that door through the door with no lock. Now get going, slave."

"Thank you so much for wasting my time," Crowley drawled.

"Your very existence is a waste of my time."

Crowley is very lithe and flexible, and as he jumped from suspended-in-lava platform to suspended-in-lava platform he did so with speed, grace and accuracy. He certainly wasn't attempting to dislodge Gabriel.

"Hey," exclaimed Gabriel, and Crowley twisted in the air in order to avoid getting hit with a lava spurt. He landed on the next platform, which instantly began sinking, so he sprinted across it and jumped, quickly landing on the next one.

When he made it to the platform connected to the unlocked door, he quickly strode to the door. That is, at least, until said platform began rumbling.

"Look. Jump."

Crowley pushed off the side of the platform, released his wings and took to the air, narrowly avoiding the rush of lava that pushed the platform up and into the spiked ceiling.

Crowley flapped his wings to keep stationary in the heated air. "I didn't notice the spikes before," he admitted, gazing up.

"Listen," Gabriel snapped, "You have got to start paying attention."

"All right, do you even know how to show emotions in your voice? Because this is getting weird."

Gabriel bit him on the ear.

The lava spurt holding up the platform faded and it dropped again. Crowley touched down, opened the door and quickly slid in.

There was one small room there, dark and unsurprisingly warm. In the room there was a treasure chest rather inconveniently stored behind a large lizard that looked hungrily at them.

"Hey," said Gabriel, "the weak point is its tail. Is that one of your relatives?"

"Oh of course," replied Crowley sardonically, "Because every reptile is related to me."

"Except that they are all more advanced."

Much to Crowley's surprise, the large lizard – it looked rather like a cross between a komodo dragon and a gecko except larger – could also breathe fire, and quickly (enough so that he didn't die, but not quickly enough so that his boots didn't get lightly burnt) he threw himself out of the way, landing hard and skidding to rest against the wall.

"Far more advanced," Gabriel murmured, clinging tightly to Crowley's neck. "Look, did you forget when I said that its tail is its weakness?"

"No, but I was rather distracted by the fire-breathing part! Why does everything Down Here have to breathe fire!"

"Because this is Hell, you moron."

Crowley didn't justify that with a response as he got up and ran behind the lizard. It quickly spun to defend its tail from him, but he saw his opening when it opened its mouth to breathe another burst of fire at him. As it prepared itself, he flapped his wings and threw himself to the side so that he could get behind it, where he promptly slammed a foot down on its tail. It roared in pain and he used that opportunity to reach into the chest, grab the key that was there, and run out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

"What a brave hero you are," Gabriel sneered.

"I bet you that thing eats weasels."

"I am a mongoose, and that's very brave talk coming from someone who fears that I will eat him. I believe the key you just fetched opens those large doors on the other side of this area. You are going to have to put the key in the lock, turn the key, and allow the lock on the door to what we call unlock."

Crowley put aside his fear, grabbed Gabriel by the scruff and ripped him off his neck, and held the mongoose out over the lava. Gabriel of course hissed, but Crowley didn't relent until he felt his point had been made.

"Not only will I destroy you," Gabriel said once he was again wrapped around Crowley's neck to the point where it could certainly no longer be comfortable, especially considering the inclusion of claws, "but I will laugh as I do so."

"Yes, like I believe that you're capable of laughter."

Crowley spread his wings and took off from this platform, sailing across the lava and letting the warm air plumes carry him. He expertly dodged the spikes on the ceiling which of course fell just when he least wanted them to, and also the occasional surprise pillar of lava.

He landed on the platform directly in front of the locked door. "So what now, o great sage of wisdom?" he dead-panned.

"Die."

Crowley snickered as he stuck the key in. The heavy metal lock fell to the floor, and Crowley kicked it aside with a foot, upon which it fell into the lava and melted quite quickly.

"I think a weasel would melt just as fast," Crowley said musingly as he opened the door.

"I am no longer speaking with you," Gabriel said, "as doing so is clearly causing the destruction of my brain cells. I will only be speaking to you, and only in instances where I feel it might spare my own life."

Crowley walked forward into this new room, perplexed by the fact it was a simple square one with a chest in the middle. "Huh… A giant hammer?" Crowley said aloud, confused, as he lifted the hammer out of the treasure chest. "A heavy giant hammer."

"Don't complain," Gabriel instructed tersely, already forgetting his own rule.

Crowley smiled like a certain kind of reptile and looked at his mongoose companion. "You know, the game is called Whack-a-Mole but I'm sure that it can easily become Whack-a-Weasel…"

"… … … I will kill you in your sleep, waking you up in just time so that I may see the life fade from your eyes."

"But what is a hammer doing in here?" Crowley had to ask.


In another part of Hell, four figures cloaked in shadows were discussing just this.

"Why, why, why is the artifact to slay the Leviathan directly on the path to the Leviathan?" the one in charge demanded.

"Oh come on, don't you know how these things work?" asked the second figure, "If the lair were full of vampires, then a whole bunch of stakes and an anti-undead mace would be in there. If the lair belonged to, say, an abominable snowman, then-"

"Hit him," said the first.

There was the loud sound of a throat clearing pointedly.

"Please," amended the first.

The third hit the second on the back of the head.

"Ow! Hey! Come on!"

"The logic is definitely flawed," said the fourth, "but to be fair, aren't we rooting for Crowley anyway?"

"Unofficially," the first admitted, "but still, what if it weren't Crowley, huh, then what!"

"Quit complaining, it makes perfect sense," the second said with a pout.


"Oh well, not complaining," Crowley said, walking forward with the hammer in his grasp and Gabriel around his neck. "I highly doubt an enormous hammer that feels magical is going to be useless."

Gabriel gave a thoughtful hum.

"Stop thinking about how to use it to kill me."

"But then it loses all purpose," Gabriel admitted. "Go-"

"Do not tell me to go through the door," Crowley snapped before seeing that the next room was nothing but a circular platform lined with lava and no discernable ceiling, as it was obscured by the rising smoke and dizzying height.

But really, Crowley was far more distracted by the enormous dragon-snake curled up on the aforementioned platform. When the door behind him slammed shut and sealed, he didn't even jump. He took off his sunglasses to better see what he was up against. He put them on the inside pocket of his suit coat; there was no point banishing them, considering he was never going to be wearing them again, from the looks of it.

Gabriel hopped off Crowley's neck and calmly walked back to press himself against the now-closed door.

"Where are you going?" Crowley asked, not able to remove his eyes from the being he belated realized was the Leviathan.

"I am going to confess my sins," the Archangel-turned-mongoose admitted, curling up there.

"I don't know why you're bothering," Crowley said, "After all, this is clearly not the Leviathan. The Leviathan lives in water; this is not in water. Therefore, this is not what it appears to be. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. The Leviathan is not guarding Satan's power source. It's not."

"If my soul is trapped here, I hope it goes to the Michael Layer," Gabriel said wistfully, "and I hope you go there as well, that I might make good on my promises to destroy the pair of you."

"It's not real. It's not real," Crowley continued. "It's not real."

Both glowing red eyes opened and the creature hissed loudly before letting out a veritable roar.

"Well what do you know. It is real," said Crowley hopelessly. He gazed at his weapon – the hammer – and gave a sad sigh as he put it down. He didn't know how to use a hammer, and besides, it wasn't going to help him any. Not only was it far too heavy for him to use in a more normal situation, but nothing was going to help against that thing. Besides, having a decent weapon might give him a bit of hope, and he didn't want that, not against this beast…

Leviathan reared up, smoke coming out its nostrils.

"Father, I am sorry for my sins…" Gabriel began solemnly.

The creature snapped its head forward and Crowley jumped up, flapping his wings to avoid falling in any lava. To his surprise Leviathan began flapping its fins and also took to the air, pursuing him. Crowley dodged another attack, feeling rather like a canary going up against a gigantic canary-eating snake.

As they flew higher and higher, Leviathan gave up trying to chomp down on Crowley and instead surprised him by taking a deep breath and breathing fire at him; Crowley's suit ignited and as he rapidly started trying to Will it out, Leviathan finally caught Crowley in its powerful jaws.


"EEEEE!" cried a fangirl, "CROWLEY/GIGANTIC SNAKE OTP!"

"HOT SNAKE ON SNAKE ACTION!"

Yet another war broke out.


"Wait a moment," Gabriel called out, "The sword of him that layeth at him cannot hold: the spear, the dart, nor the habergeon."

"YOU ARE NOT QUOTING THE BIBLE AT ME!" Crowley screamed even as he shoved his hand into Leviathan's nostril and began clawing at the inside. Leviathan sneezed, which allowed Crowley free enough to flutter his way to the ground to start healing himself.

"He esteemeth iron as straw, and brass as rotten wood. The arrow cannot make him flee: slingstones are turned with him into stubble. Darts are counted as stubble: he laugheth at the shaking of a spear," Gabriel recounted quickly, "The hammer. The hammer. Use the hammer!"

"But I can't! It's too heavy!"

"What have I told you about complaining?"

Crowley grimaced and picked it up in both hands. Before he had a chance to comprehend how exactly he was supposed to use a weapon he couldn't use to kill something that in all likelihood he wasn't going to be able to kill, the Leviathan dove from the top of the cavern and began burrowing into the middle of the platform, disappearing from sight.

Crowley gripped the hilt of the hammer tightly, bending his knees and fluttering his wings, ready to fly if he had to. The platform was shaking, and Crowley closed his eyes to feel the vibrations, try to pinpoint exactly where

It shoved its head out through the floor nearby, just close enough to swerve over and bite him. Hot spikes stabbed into his torso and he was overwhelmed with the scent of sulfur as he was slammed into the wall.

Gabriel felt hopeless and helpless, but he couldn't just sit there and do nothing, not matter how fun it was to watch Crowley get eaten. Even though the front half of the Leviathan was shoved into the wall, the tail end was still on the platform, and so Gabriel skittered over bit the end.

There wasn't a shriek of pain, which would have been too rewarding, but the objective had been accomplished: the beast came back out of the wall, and a barely-conscious blood-covered Crowley flew from its mouth and landed on the other side of the platform. To his credit, the hammer was still in his grasp.

The enormous snake turned to face Gabriel, who instinctively crouched and hissed, his fur spiking up.

Leviathan balked. Gabriel would have laughed if he had been more inclined to do so and had the situation been less dire. Instead, he hissed louder, trying to be as intimidating as possible, just long enough for the useless one to recover himself. Leviathan slowly began circling, and Gabriel began to internally panic as he realized he was being surrounded.

Crowley finally healed himself enough so that standing wasn't an impossible task. He shook his head, trying to focus. Crowley, seeing the Leviathan was distracted by what he assumed was Gabriel, would have like to let the monster finish the mongoose off. But since it was his spouse's uncle… He sighed and did what he could to distract the beast; he began hissing very loudly in snake language, taunting the larger serpent for not missing its original prey.

Clearly Leviathan took offense at this, as it abandoned the fearsome mongoose and burrowed back underground.

Crowley swore softly to himself as he once again began feeling for the vibrations.

There it was! The Leviathan was surfacing again, right next to him like before –

Winding up like no human could do and putting all his weight and strength behind the blow, Crowley slammed the hammer directly into Leviathan's skull. He almost grimaced at the sickening crack it made. The beast hit the platform with a thud and slowly slipped off into the lava.

There was violent rumbling, the sound of something high above them exploding, and then silence. Satan's power was free.

Gabriel gaped.

Crowley, shaking, laughed a little in relief, too distracted to even marvel at how nice it was that Gabriel wasn't talking anymore. "Gabriel was right. It worked. It actually worked." Then he thought about it. "There'll be no living with that arrogant prat after this," he said darkly.


In his office, Lucifer smiled brilliantly. "Ooo, he did it!" he exclaimed in joyful shock. "I can't believe it! I never thought what's-his-name had it in him. Spot. Sparky. Whatever."

"Lord? Shall I send someone to heal the Principality?" Samael intoned.

Lucifer snorted. "Psh. I don't care. I'm going to go kill Michael. Oh, right, that one is his nephew too. So, you can either give them the okay, or make up a new task for them. Whatever, I'm done here." The Emperor of Hell Ascended.


The Fangirls of Hell pouted at this latest turn of events.

"Awww, that sexy beast Lucifer escaped," one said sadly. "He's so hot; it's so unfair that one being can be that hot. Except for Michael. And Belial."

"Oh, Belial!" They all swooned. None of the fangirls slashed Belial with anyone in particular, because no matter who or what he slept with, it was still sexy.

Another proudly said, "But it's okay, because Lucifer is going to find Michael, and they're twins, and that is just beyond hot. Angry, hot, slashy twincest. Mmmmmmm."

"No, I don't care what you say, Lucifer and Michael are not going to hook up!" another fangirl protested, "Michael would never betray Gabriel like that!"

"Of course he won't betray Gabriel," another said bitterly, "because Gabriel isn't dating Michael, he's with Crowley!"

"That's it, now you die!" screamed another fangirl who slashed Crowley with anything other than angels. An all-out brawl began.