Chapter 8: I wonder

"Hello?"

"Hey..." I love her voice.

"Spencer, Hi. I didn't wake you up, did I?"

"No. I was just here. Laying here." I close my eyes and picture her laying in my bed at the hotel.

"Good... Why didn't you pick up just now?"

"I was screening. It said it was from an unknown caller."

"Ah..." I've got nothing.

"I thought you would have called sooner." I did. A bunch of times. But she doesn't need to know that I was too nervous to let the calls go through.

"Yeah, well Logan was over here and I couldn't get rid of her." I partially lied.

An uncomfortable silence takes over, so I fidget with the hem of my comforter. There is so much we need to talk about, but how do you just start a conversation like this?

"Do you sleep with a lot of people?" Uh. That was completely unexpected.

"What?!" I scoff guiltily.

"I talked to Madison Duarte today at tryouts..." OK, now I'm just mad.

"Do you sleep with girls and tell them you're not gay, often?" I change the subject and she doesn't respond. "Hello?" Still no answer. "Spencer?" I look to the screen of my phone and see that it displays 'Call Ended'. Sigh.

Well, that didn't go well. I internally scold myself for being so stupid. I press 'send' to redial.

She immediately answers. "What?!"

I sink deeper into my bed and turn over so that I'm laying on my side. "Spencer, I'm sorry. I'm just so bad at this." I say genuinely.

She takes a moment and exhales before speaking. "Bad at what?"

"Talking." I admit.

"Lets just promise not to get defensive or anything."

"And not hang up on the other person?!" I joke.

"And not hang up."

"OK..."

"So I'll start by answering your question. I told you that I've never been with anyone else. Why would you ask me something like that?" She sounds so timid and vulnerable.

I roll my eyes at my stupidity. "I know. It's just that... I don't know why I said that." And now I'm frustrated because I can't find words. There is so much that I want to say, but there are no words for it. This is why I don't do conversations in the first place. Suddenly I feel obligated to return the honesty. "And yes, I've slept with a lot of people." I figure I'd better just get that out there so it doesn't come back to haunt me later.

"How many?" She asks tentatively.

"I honestly don't know." Her silence tells me that the answer isn't enough, but I've never counted. So I stress the words, "A lot."

It's funny how I've never had a conscience before. If anything, I would have worn my promiscuity badge proudly. Knowing that I could get laid by pretty much anyone I wanted was always something I prided myself on. Maybe even gloated about to others. But in this moment, right now, I've never been more ashamed or scared of the consequences.

"It wasn't just an experiment." Wow. She is all over the place. It's cute. "But..."

"But?" I usually like butts. But I have a feeling I'm not going to appreciate this one.

"I'm not-"

"Spencer." I interrupt. "If you're going to say that you're not gay, I'm going to scream!" I realize that I might have got a little defensive. And we said that we wouldn't. "You have no idea how inadequate that will make me feel after what we did!" I joked playfully to lighten the mood. But it's the truth.

"Believe me, you shouldn't feel inadequate." Did she just...? "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"I don't get you." And I don't. I tell her she's straight and she says that I'm not so smart. She tells me she wants me, we have sex and then she walks away. She comes back into my life and tells me that she's gay. She lets me kiss her and tells me to call her. Now she's flirting. She is fucking with me.

"I'm just confused, Ashley."

"Clearly." Bipolar tingler. Figures I would fall for one of those. "Look, Spencer... I need to tell you this." Why do I need to tell her this? "I like you."

"I like you too."

"No, I mean... I LIKE like you." Oh god. How old am I? Smooth, Davies. And why isn't she saying anything? "Shit. Forget I said that."

She sighs. "I LIKE like you, too." For the second time in my life, I feel my heart drop. "But it can't be-"

"I know. It can't be more than this." I quickly say, knowing very well those were the words she used on the beach that night. If I were being completely open, I would tell her that I had that statement on repeat in my head for the last week. I am feeling a bit rejected. But partly relieved at the same time. What was I hoping for, a relationship? I don't even think that's what I want. I wouldn't even know what to do in one of those. She likes me. And that should be good enough for now.

"Can we just try and be friends?" I can hear the hope in her question.

"Yeah, sure." I'll give it a shot. Do friends kiss? "Are you sure you'll be able to keep your hands off of me?"

"I'll try!" She laughs.

After that, we settled into easy conversation, much like our day in Cancun. Only this time she wasn't as guarded about her life. We talked for about three hours. I never wanted to hang up. I just loved hearing her voice and learning little facts about Spencer Carlin. Things I would store away in the memory bank for later retrieval.

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"Don't friends usually say 'Hi'?" Logan says with a mouth full of dry Cheerios.

"Not always." I don't really care that she didn't say 'Hi' or whatever. She's with Madison and her followers. God forbid I would have had to share breathing space with them. I might have caught something.

"I'm just saying... She doesn't seem very friendly." She hands me the baggy her cereal is in.

"Why the fuck do you always talk with your mouth full?!" I snap at her. Her shocked expression turns to indifference as she takes the baggy out my hand and walks off.

Wait. She's walking towards Spencer. This can't be good. Just walk on by. Don't talk to her. Don't talk to her. Great. She's talking to her. And now Spencer is looking at me. Don't look at me! I don't think I can do eye conversation this early in the morning across the quad. Good. Watch Logan yell at Madison. Why are you walking over here now? OK, Davies. Look busy. As if you weren't staring at her the whole morning. Coffee cup. Yeah. This brown thingy around it looks interesting! Look, it swivels around the cup.

"Is she always that forward?" Says the tingler in that oh so sexy voice as she sits down too close to me and leans back against the table.

"What did she say?" God, what did she say?! I will kill her.

"Hmmm." She throws me a sideways glance. "I think her words were, 'Hi, I'm Logan. I don't want to hurt you. So go say 'Hi' to your friend'?"

"Oh god." I am going to kill her. "I"m sorry, Spencer. She's... just protective." And a bitch. She is so dying right after this.

"I was going to come and talk to you before class. I just had to talk to Madison about getting a ride after practice."

"Whatever." Really. This coffee tastes so good. "And if you ever need a ride... you can always ask." I'd hate for you to have to burn your clothes after sitting in her slut mobile.

No, don't turn and look at me. I can't just be a friend when your eyes are boring into mine like that. And stop them from telling me that you want to be more than a friend. I can't stand that you are confused and sending me mixed signals. Do all of your friends get lost in your eyes like this? I hope you don't send them all tingles. Because that would be uncomfortable for them and all.

"Does she know?" Huh? You can't just say important things with your eyes and then ruin it with talking.

"That we're friends?" What? Don't look at me like I'm stupid. I know what you meant. I'm just avoiding it. Because that isn't a question that friends ask.

"No. You know..." Yeah, I know. I must really suck at the eye talking thing.

"Yeah." Because I really can't lie to her. And I will have to figure out why. Maybe there is something on the Internet about that.

"Hey, Spencer." I knew this would happen. Talking to Spencer equals sharing air with Madison. I'll schedule a doctors appointment after school. Just to be on the safe side. I want them to catch it before the disease gets too serious.

"Hi, Maddy." Maddy? I was friends with Madison for 9 years. I never once called her that. Yeah, scoot away from me, Spencer. And look guilty, too. I can't handle this. I'm out. OK, so the bell rung. But I'm still cool for walking away without saying anything. Awesome Ashley Davies. Badass Ashley Davies. Hot Ashley Davies. That's right. I've still got it.

"Maddy, I think Ashley is going to give me a ride after school!" Spencer yells across the quad. When did she catch up to me? It's that warp speed again. "Is that OK?"

"Sure." OK, good. Locker. Distraction.

"Ashley, don't open that right now-"

"What's this?" I point to a necklace. The one that was mine that I gave to her. The one that should be her necklace, but apparently isn't because it's in my locker.

"You're necklace." I'm glad that is confirmed.

"Why is it in here?" I hope you just want it engraved or something. You know... Spencer and Ashley. BFF Forever. Yeah.

"Can we not talk about this right now? I don't want to be late for class." Damn her blue eyes. Just like I can't lie to her, I can't tell her 'No' either.

"OK..." Because that's all I have time to say as she heads off to class.

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If you would have told me a week ago that I would be sitting in the gym watching cheerleading practice, I would have laughed in your face. I've had the urge to walk out of here on several occasions, because some things are just not worth it. Unfortunately, one thing is worth it, and she is the reason that I am stuck here having to suffer through 'SexyBack' on repeat.

Bzzzzz. I pull my cell from the holster to check the text message.

Where are you? Shit. I forgot about Logan.

In gym. Giving Spencer ride home. I reply.

I wonder if it's just my imagination that my tingler friend keeps looking at me at the line 'It's just that no one makes me feel this way'.

Bzzzzz. WTF? I'm here at your house. Whatever. She deserves it for that stunt she pulled this morning.

Sorry. What? I'm not going to have a text fight. Besides, it's distracting me from my Spencer watching.

"OK Girls! That's it for today. Same time tomorrow. Don't be late or I'll kick your sorry asses off the team!" If I could rip out Madison's vocal chords, I would. Her voice is that annoying.

Spencer grabs her bag and walks to the gym door. She turns around and calls out to me. "Are you coming?" Ha. Not yet.

I make my way down the bleachers. "Yeah. Hold up."

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I never go into girl's bedrooms. I mean, I don't really do that. What's the point? If I let that happen, then it would be too personal. And I get what I want in bathrooms, in alleys, in cars, and on a beach... That's why it is so weird to be sitting on Spencer's bed right now. Her room is so... girly. Honestly, I feel like a pedophile. I'm stupid hot over a girl that has teddy bears on her pillows. A gorgeous blonde that has a frilly pink comforter. A poster of... Kelly Clarkson? Seriously?!

"Hey." Spencer walks in with two glasses of tea.

"Hey." I'll pretend that your fingers didn't just send spasms down my legs when they touched mine as you were handing me this drink.

"Thanks for giving me a ride home." Maybe I have powers. If I did, I would make her sit over here by me instead of at her desk. Focus. Try. Focus.

"Yeah, no problem." SO not working. Sigh. "Where did you get that scar that's on your knee?"

She looks at me with a devious grin, "Ashley Davies! Were you looking at my legs?" Um, yeah. But I really just have always wondered about that scar.

"No. I noticed it when we we were on Vacation." Because friends don't look at other friend's legs. Right? I don't know anymore. This is all too confusing.

"There's not really a cool story behind it or anything." So?

"So?" I just really like hearing her talk.

"Glen and I were fighting in the kitchen. He threw a fork at me and I then slipped on something and fell right onto it."

"Really?! Come here. Let me see." I set my glass of tea on the nigh-stand as Spencer sits next to me and raises her leg onto the bed so that I can get a better look.

"Oh my god! I can totally see the fork marks!" Funny scar. I wonder why I hadn't noticed that before. I guess you just would never assume that someone would had fallen on a fork.

"It's ugly! Not attractive at all." She looks up and locks eyes with mine.

"It's not- You're not- " Don't say it. "You're beautiful." Damn.

That smile. OK, I'll say that again and again and over again if it will always make her smile like it's meant for only me.

"Ashley..." Spencer, don't ruin the moment. I'm leaning in to kiss you because I want to. And I don't know why that is. How I could never want to kiss anyone and then all of the sudden can't think of doing anything else with you. Except for maybe driving you home everyday after practice. Or exchanging notes with you in class. And maybe we could talk on the phone every night. God, your breath smells like.. like Altoids. Altoids? Wait a minute!

"Spencer?" I pull away.

"What?" She says softly. She's looking at my lips and it's hard for me not to attack hers.

"You have Altoid breath."

"You're smart."

"Did you plan for this to happen?" Like that night when she mauled me in my car in Cancun?

"You're not so smart." She leans in to kiss me but I don't want to kiss her now. Because I'm confused. And I hate that she is doing this to me. So I cup her entire face with my hand as I push her away.

"Why did you give back the necklace?" I need to know. And we need to stop playing these games.

Don't sigh at me, Spencer.

"Why?" I raise my voice a little bit. But only because she must have not heard me before as she didn't answer.

"Because you gave it to me so that I could remember you." Exactly. I don't get her.

"And...?"

"Now I don't need to remember you. Because you're here." That sounded sweet. Was it supposed to be? Screw these feelings that don't know what the hell is going on anymore!

"But I gave it to you. I wanted you to keep it." It was important to me. And for some reason bipolar tinglers are important to me.

"Well maybe you can give it to me again sometime."

Roll eyes. Why would I give her something I've already given her that she's already given back? I can't stand this. And I'm realizing that I can't stand a lot of things about Spencer. So why do I still like her and want to kiss her and make babies with her? OK, so maybe not make babies. But they'd be hot babies, you have to admit.

"I've gotta go. I was supposed to meet Logan." And I'm up and out the door. Because If I would have stayed, I would have kissed her. And that's messy and complicated. Especially since I know she LIKE likes me. That she planned on kissing me with her Altoid scented mouth. Even though she says she's not gay and only wants to be friends.

Oooomph. Fuck! All I want to do is get out of here. Why did I have to run into...?

"Logan?!!" Oh shit. Glen.

"Glen! How are you?" Quick. Run.

"Doing good! I can't believe you're here! Do you live here? Were you just with Spencer?" What is with the inquisition? Damn.

"Um... Yeah..." The door is just right there. You can make it. "We go to the same school. Look Glen.. I'm late. I'll talk to you later."